Friday, October 22, 2010


This morning while making my rounds on the interweb I’ve already come across two distinct articles about drinking less than delicious things to get drunk. One was a ranking of the worst tasting beers (spoiler alert: Bud Light Clamato Chelada made the list) and the other was the grossest shit that people drink to get drunk all over the world. Some of the featured brews in this article were a Kenyan booze that contains such ingredients as rocket fuel and battery acid (people often die while getting their drank on) and pruno, which is the delicious treat that prisoners brew underneath their toilets using sugar cubes and fruit cocktails and ketchup. Oh, and they also mentioned Russian aftershave. I guess folks are guzzling that shit too. It’s pretty wild what people will go through for a buzz, eh?

I mean, it’ Friday. All the world over, motherfuckers have been slaving at their various jobs all week, and this evening, everyone is gonna finally trudge out of the boxes that hold their souls hostage, take off their ties and/or pantyhose and gulp down fermented grains and fruit until they’re all staggering all over the place and fucking/punching each other with wanton abandon. It’s a wild phenomenon.

You’d think that there would be some sort of alternative method of repopulating/getting people to crash their cars at least somewhere on the earth, but no. Everywhere you go, it’s booze. Motherfuckers love to get drunk. And for whatever reason, we’re all kind of okay with it. There’s really nowhere that has a completely alternate method of allowable wastedness, is there? I mean, sure, in Holland (for example) you can smoke weed and hash, but I’d bet dollars to donuts that there’s way more booze flowing through Amsterdam than there is pot smoke. Even in those Muslim countries where all wastedness is illegal, booze is still the go to, as per what I’ve read about the illicit club scenes in Dubai and UAE and so forth.

You’d think with all the wacky ideas that people have about how to live, with all the wildly different cultures out there that there’d be a society somewhere on earth that completely eschewed alcohol and instead uh, all shot heroin after work (just for example). But no. There’s no LSD nation or cocaine nation or heroin nation, and even if there are places where that shit is more acceptable (Colombia comes to mind) they’re still boozers first and foremost. I mean, it bears repeating that motherfuckers are out there drinking AFTERSHAVE and ROCKET FUEL to get drunk.
That’s making it seem like a borderline instinctive need.

No, seriously. Think about fucking for a second. It’s an instinctive need, right? In Maslow’s pyramid, sex is down at the bottom with food and crapping. So, put a dude somewhere where he can’t fuck anyone…let’s say he’s a pumpkin farmer up on a mountain or a shepherd way out in the middle of the New Zealand boonies. What’s gonna happen? He’s gonna fuck those pumpkin/sheep eventually. Ladies, this is true. There’s not a man alive that doesn’t just know instinctively that a period of solitude, real extended and unbroken solitude is the only thing that separates him from those who fuck gourds/livestock (on a side note, I don’t know how this works for ladies. I don’t really think it’s the same. There’s no way a woman, left alone with a bunch of goats or pigs or something would eventually just wind up fucking them because they’d been alone for fifteen years and they really needed to get laid. I mean, right? Am I crazy? Does that mean that sex is an instinct to males only? I’m really not trying to be funny here, and if I wasn’t sure that my daughter was about to wake up and completely dominate my time to the point where I couldn’t maintain a train of thought well enough to write, I’d start this whole post over to just tackle this notion….woah. Woah. Woah. I guess tune in Monday for that, maybe).

Anyway, you see what I’m saying? People have to crap. Sometimes, in a pinch they’ll just crap on the floor or in their pants. People have to fuck. Sometimes they’ll wind up fucking pumpkins or pigs or the keyboard player because that’s the only option. People need to eat and sometimes people will eat rocks and dust or maggoty meat because their bodies are ORDERING them to eat something, no matter how gnarly. Doesn’t this same sort of necessity seem to apply to people who are out there drinking glasses of battery acid to get loaded? Now, yes…EVERYONE eats and everyone shits. Not everyone drinks. BUT, not everyone fucks either. Ever hear of lesbian bed death or nuns or any stand up comedian’s spouse? That’s still considered to be an instinct. I kind of think drinking may be too. How else can you explain Bud Light Clamato Chelada?

That’s what I’m sayin, bro. Have a good weekend. See you all in hell.


FranklinStein said...

thank you so very much for informing me about pruno. this halloween's going to be particularly delicious!!!

Shaun said...

I'll say this about that:

You ever meet someone who overrides their instinct to fuck?

They're fucking scary people. Or monks, but generally, they're humorless, uptight, irrationally angry people.

You ever meet someone who overrides their instinct to sleep?

That's where sociopaths who scribble doctrines about needing to "save the unclean" come from.

You ever meet someone who overrides their instinct to eat?

Again, sometimes monks, but generally, they're people who have an entirely warped view of what a healthy lifestyle is.

And finally, you ever meet a straight-edger (of the "never had a drink" variety, not the more understandable "I'm a recovered alcoholic" variety)?

Sometimes they're OK, but more often than not, they're humorless, uptight, irrationally angry people.

That's probably a decent measuring stick.

If you can't abstain from doing it without developing some traits that make others near you go "uh...," then it's probably a natural instinct.

tk said...

Hey, I'm a first time Sock, long time Dog of War, and I have a dilemma that I thought only you could solve.

For the first time in as long as I can remember, your band is playing in my ancestral homeland of Manchester, NH. I was really excited to hear that because you're pretty much my favorite band, and driving to see you play ten minutes from my house beats the hell out of flying to Chicago for your 10th Anniversary show (though it was worth it). The problem is, you're playing at Rocko's and were booked by I'm Thirsty Entertainment, and the guy who runs it is a total douche who has been bleeding money out of area bands and bullying other people in our music scene for years (among other bullshit), and I really don't want to line his pockets further with the price of admission. But then again, the price of admission also goes towards your finances.

So what do I do? Suck it up, buy my ticket, and see you play? Or do I stand by whatever shaky morals are causing this dilemma and boycott his promotion company?

Also I can't just solve this by going to the Cambridge show the next night because it's my grandparents' fiftieth anniversary.

Either way, do you think I could share some tax free alcohol with you?

EZB said...

ay yo! first of all great post, it really put me in the mood for some sailor jerry... lol just kidding, i quit that shit for almost a year so far (ah hem... reunion show).... shaun nice post, good points... clamato is disgusting, although i hear it's a good hangover remedy... but beex i think you need to stop shitting on the keyboard and keyboardists out there. i love horse the band, i'm still into a little motion city and love blues keyboards. i know you've posted about it a few times and i think you're pretty serious about it, but just wanted to show some loyalty

Shaun said...


Just go to the show. Nearly every ticket seller and concert promoter is a complete dildo box with their share of shady practices in the past and shaky morals.

Pay the money, go see one of your favorite bands and try not to worry so much about your minor financial contribution to a shitty system that you can't change anyway.

Anonymous said...

Some mammals drink alcohol and can't even get drunk. The question is what advantage does drinking bring them?

Sean said...

- limited nobility

hahaha yea I definitely got some sort of vibe from Dan... maybe something was on his mind or something, i dunno... haha

But yea, I dunno what you mean... I'm wearing a shirt dude.

Seagull Steve said...

@TK - dude, promoters are instinctively douchey. Just go. You will be kicking yourself in the ass if you dont.

Anonymous said...

@tk: i live in Argentina, so i never got to see the larry arms and probably never will, but i'm sure as hell that i'd pay for a ticket even if Hitler was the promoter.

Matt said...

I live in New Zealand - not only do I not get to see The Lawrence Arms, but I also get Brendan referring to my countrymen making love to livestock on more than a few occasions.

Harden up or go home. Or just try steal something from the promoter you don't like. Its all good.

Banana@1000MPH said...

I would go see Hitler play a show even if Brendan was the promoter.

limited nobility said...

hey rpm's!I thought you split.

Sean said...

iiiiii get it.

TheMEATBOSS said...

haha I can't believe you know about maslow and crap. You're one smart dude

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