Friday, December 3, 2010

big dinosaur. Pornography.

My brother is a fancy big city lawyer. Well, that’s only if you count St. Louis as a fancy big city, I suppose. And actually there’s nothing too fancy about doing a deposition in Wisconsin wearing nothing but umbros and a ‘coed naked tennis’ shirt, but that’s exactly what he’s gonna be doing today, as someone mistook his carry on bag for their own last night. The phrase that my brother used to describe the perpetrator is not suitable for print here, but suffice it to say, he’s bummed at the mentally challenged person of questionable sexuality.

I mean, I feel his pain. He’s got nothing but the clothes on his back and he’s gotta give off the air of professionalism. And if he’s anything like I remember him, he just reeks of farts, so there’s that to contend with. That’s why my standard life-advice maxim has always been ‘never get yourself into a position where you can’t do what you need to do while high as balls and in nothing but a pair of cutoffs.’ It worked for Ozzy. It worked for Steve O and Henry Kissinger. It worked for Jayna Oso. It worked for the guy who created ALF. It can work for you too.

Anyway, speaking of things that are completely unrelated, have you guys watched the Dinosaur Train? It’s the story of a young, pre teen tyrannosaurus rex and his adoptive family traveling through time and space on a train run completely by dinosaurs in conductor outfits and southern accents. It’s one of the trippier things that you can watch at 830 in the morning and it’s also kind of mindbending because it’s full of paleontological jargon and long, ten syllable words, but, you know, it’s about time traveling dinosaur kids so there’s a bit of an intellectual disconnect that you can’t quite ever get over which really is saying a lot under the circumstances. It’s the kind of thing that you can probably ONLY come up with if you’re simultaneously a ‘wacky’ paleontologist and the type of guy who sits around all blasted eating peanut butter with a spoon and staring at your fingers.

The dinosaur train is apparently a huge hit. My kid loves it, and I see the characters on backpacks and stickers at the pediatrician’s office and such, but it’s on PBS which makes me think that if it weren’t for the marketing aspect, this poor, stoned paleontologist wouldn’t really be making a dime for his hugely successful hit. As it stands, I’m sure he’s got plenty of golden microscopes and jars of fluffernutter, you know, because of all the backpacks and notebooks and pencil boxes and stuff, but we’re talking about a huge hit here. If they could sell ads on the Dinosaur Train, this dude (or lady? Nah…probably not) would be filthy rich. I mean, fuck. It’s the only show that I’ve watched consistently this year. It’s kind of a bummer, but then I remember that I’m not making any money either and I stop feeling so bad for the guy.

Which brings me to my point. People can, and often do read this blog and refer to it as juvenile or puerile or purely scatological and therefore immature, and yes, yes, yes. It’s all that and less. This blog is little more than dick jokes, beaver discussions, poo humor and beer and boob enthusiasm. It’s working at a consistently low level as long as nobody dies and makes things too serious. But here’s the thing:

Critics have been known to refer to me as someone who has refused to grow up, or someone who still indulges in the childish pursuit of pornography and booze and hilarious anecdotes about dongs, but those are all mature topics. I didn’t get into the idea of wanting to see boobs until I was what….nine? Twelve? Well, twelve for sure. By twelve I think all boys are practically beating off to memories of geodesic domes, so yes, mothers, I’m functioning on the level of a twelve year old (who has a cool uncle that lets him drink beer). But you know who the real man-children of the world are? Paleontologists! They’re still indulging their interests that they developed when they were fucking two! Nobody ever gives them any shit for it though. I mean, it’s not really as though they’ve done anything practical except completely piss off religious nutjobs.

Nobody really gives two fucks about the way an Icthyosaurus’s tail protruded or which dinosaur was the smartest (it was apparently whatever the conductors of the dinosaur train are, btw) except for two year old boys. That’s the ENTIRE public interest in the science.

I mean, sure, we bring dinosaur bones to museums and tour them around the world and all that. But you know WHY those bones are popular enough to tour? Because in every country in the world, there’s a parent of a two year old boy pulling their fucking hair out trying to get them to not destroy what precious few grown up possessions they still have. They NEED to get them outside, if only to calm them down, so they take them to see the bones. Period.

There’s no adult interest in dinosaur bones. Nope. There isn’t. And ESPECIALLY no female adult interest. Paleontologists are, in fact, nothing but a bunch of manchildren who have hornswaggled our higher education institutions to fund them to indulge in a pretty useless infatuation that they developed before they stopped shitting their pants. And you call me a child because I watch pornography all day? For shame! The human asshole can do amazing things, people. Things that dinosaurs and their bones never dreamed of trying. AND, my interest in pornography is at the very least contributing to an economy (ha!) and perpetuating the stardom of several young ladies. That’s way more than I can say for any paleontologist.

Well, no. They’re entertaining kids…if I’m being fair. That puts them on the level of the Wiggles or Raffi, or DJ Lance (who is almost fifty by the way! I mean, he looks fucking AMAZING! If you’d told me he was 23, I would have believed it. Man…), but the difference is that Raffi teaches you about the color red and liking music and DJ Lance teaches you not to bite your friends, shit that you’ll keep with you until you die (unless you’re Marv Albert) while Dinosaur train teaches you a bunch of stuff with no practical application that will be tossed aside for eternity the second you see your older sister’s friend in a bathing suit.

I dunno…I used to love dinosaurs too. Maybe I could get a job doing that somehow.

33 comments:

Donnie said...

Jurassic Park - Dinosaurs for adults/ teens...

crazycarl said...

Belladonna. Thoughts? Comments? Criticism? She did put a baseball bat in her butt after all... just sayin.

Hamilton Martin said...

nice marv albert rip

Kevin Burnett said...

one thumbs up for belladonna

word verification: nglab

Gov said...

We've had this discussion before. Porn is and will always be a staple in our lives. No matter how old one gets, seeing an asshole shoot out water that someone pumped into it, across the room is a wonderful sight. You know it, I know it, Belladonna's asshole knows it.

Come back to Seattle and I can promise more hair will be set on fire. If not on accident, it will happen on purpose.

Sean said...

a show that's also awesome and trippy but geared towards kids is "Adventure Time" on cartoon network.

It features a human (who i think is the last human in existence or something) and a shape-shifting dog with Bender's voice (from Futurama).

It's awesome... and also has the added perk of subtly hilarious sexual innuendos.

Sir Larry Danger Lowry Esq. said...

As a 20 year old dude, I think the shit I read from your blog is actually going to help me when I become a parent. Keep makin' those mistakes, I'll keep learnin' from em.

Sarah said...

Hey, um, I'm a female adult interested in dinosaur bones. Just sayin'.

BEEXtrix Potter said...

Da-da-duuuuum, da dum-dum-duUuuuum: Round up the horses, count up the forces/order the arches to burn up the forest/attack from the northeast, wait there and call me/then on the next morning I'll send you an army/do not defy me, undermine me or lie to me/Ask me politely but answer me NICELY!! Brendan, you sexy faggot.

BEEXtrix Potter said...

(Vague, shitteous interpolation of Gloria Estefan's 'The ryhthm Is Gonna Get Ya': Middle age is gonna GET ya, yea MIDDLE age'll GET ya (whick-cRaAW~!!) Middle-age-iz-gonna-get-ya-toNITE~!
Brendan, you heterosexual faggot

Tim said...

Thought I'd let you know that Tay Neeg didn't make Cracked's list of "20 Best 'That Guys'".
Additionally, Sean is right. Adventure Time kicks ass.

It's A-me, Martucci said...

nothing on cartoon network ever has or will 'kick ass' contrary to popular opinion "you just don' understand, man you jus' don't understand" "you hafta smoke weed man, you hafta smoke weed ta get it" ohh ok...still not funny, high...siiiiiigh

It's A-me, Martucci said...

tim - a google search reveals no tay neeg. there IS a tay ninh, a town in southwestern vietnam, however. is this an insiiiide joke betwixt you n b dawg? anyway shut the fuck up

It's A-me, Martucci said...

"a message from wikipdia authors abbas" "a personal appeal from wikipedia author kartika"

Sean said...

you don't have to be high to enjoy watching Adventure Time, contrary to popular opinion "you just don' understand, man you jus' don't understand"

It's A-me, Martucci said...

Ohh get fucked, Sean. Really? You sit around watch Adv Time in your spare time? Do you and your college roommates have a lame ongoing "Uh-ohhhhh u know what time it is??..(knowing grin).. ADVENTURE time!!" meme? 'Breeexdan will think this is quirky!' Tell us more about how awesome 'that cafe eleven show' was!!!!

It's A-me, Martucci said...

Seeeeean. Seaaaaaan! peeeee-ka-boooo! I see yoooou! Youre only pretendin to be mad! Look. I dont fucking believe you watch adv time with any kind of regularity, alright? I believe it's somethin you saw once or twice on a fluke, k? btw Only in ironic internet world would postulating that you dont wavch adv time regularly be considered an insult. I feel like youre up to cooler shit than that

Sean said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Sean said...

Nope, not up to any cooler shit than that. I've seen every episode.


In fact, my college roommates and I actually take videos of us saying that very phrase and send it to "Breeexdan," hoping that he'll find it quirky.


But when I'm not doing that I'm on here, commenting about "that cafe eleven show," reminiscing about the good ol' days, before the sock drawer was policed by fake internet personas.


"When I say 'fuck the man,' it's what I believe, no matter who that man happens to be."

Sean said...

"something something calling you out on your appearance/comments/interests/past actions/hypothetical hobbies/shit I made up just to spark some drama, all the while hiding behind a fake username/picture."

- the internet police

It's A-me, Martucci said...

"sumthin sumthin my need to express my alleged 'enjoyment' of adv time publically on internet comes from that crummiest of places - the appeal to irony/quirkiness. Event though martucci is being frivoloius as fuck and surely acknowledges such, he makes a very real point. Also, my referencing the 'fuck the man' line from warped tour super awesome good job made little to no fucking cents in this context when you put it under scrutiny"

--sean

"scents bro. scents"

Luke said...

"hornswaggled"

Sean said...

I believe lyrics are open to interpretation. One acting as a faux-authority figure passing judgement and disguising it as "how it is, bro" in a blog's comment section can be my personal interpretation of "the man," can it not?

Please correct me if I'm wrong in assuming this personal interpretation, as I'm sure you will.

Sean said...

Furthermore, you were mistaken in assuming that i was attempting to be ironic. I was actually being serious and do in fact enjoy watching adventure time. Take it for face value, because thats all it is. There were no hidden agendas or strings attached. I dont agree with your opinion, but at least i respect your right to have one. I dont mind admitting i like a goofy childrens tv show. I find it amusing and entertaining, and in the end, isnt that the point of a tv show to begin with?

Sean said...

sorry for like coming off as a dick or something, i really don't mean to... i just need to let you know, ya know?

i mean, does it really matter in the end of the day what someone does or says or acts like or what hobbies he or she may have, as long as it makes them happy and doesn't make your own life less enjoyable? If it doesn't directly affect you, why even mention some of the things that are brought up? It seems like it only really bothers you.

It's A-me, Martucci said...

Ohh Sean. You couldn't be a dick if you tried, you sweet cherub. Don't you GET it?? This isn't about the lyrics to warped tour super extravaganza or what children's programs you may or may not watch, at all. Look I've never had feelings for a fellow male before, so this is all still very new n exciting for me. I'm like baby Bambi finding his legs. So I've reverted to a childlike state in which you're weeeeally mean to the one you're mad crushin on. Here I am practically THROWING myself at you and, and. Do you think you could ever..learn to love me? Shhh don't speak

limited nobility said...

sung/gay rapped like fred schneider of the b52s-
"Two big boys on a saturday night/just-a roastin and-a postin/and-a speakin their minds! whooo!"

Seagull Steve said...

The adult in me says Paleontology provides tons of insight on evolution, climate, biological communities, debunking the bible (always fun) etc...thus it is interesting to adults, but only nerds. On the other hand...the child in me has his feelings hurt because you made fun of dinosaurs.

Sean said...

let's just be friends.

It's A-me, Martucci said...

Sure, we'll take it slow. Let's also start a clothing label called '7 Dragons'

Julene Horowitz said...

I think the real root of the problem here is that you're mad you didn't take up on the "loved it when I was 2" career pursuit first.

meo150 said...

you could probably make a quick score by doing a commercial for vodaphone, with a slight rewrite of the lyrics for on with the show.

Dissent said...

I sit in a cube all day, and this blog makes it almost worth it. Goddamn hilarious.