Presenting: offensive grandpa.

I gotta say, hell in a handbasket, kids. That’s where we’re headed. As 2010 comes to a close, I look around and all I see is tubby men dressed as hockey playing clowns spraying each other down with cheap, off-brand cherry cola, shake weights and greasy dagos prancing back and forth like their abs and cross tattoos just got appointed to some sort of dukeship. It’s a disgrace. Black presidents, females in positions of power, tax cuts, tax hikes, some Australian telling the world what we think of Sarkozy as a leader (not much) and a bunch of goddamned terrorists runnin’ around and exploding the few good, god fearing folk we got left.

George Soros and NPR are controlling the fucking airwaves, and by extension, our minds…Burger King is serving a sick pizza/cheeseburger hybrid that will instantly turn anyone who eats it into a Mike Moore type: fat, sloppy, effete voice, sympathizing with Cuba and Marilyn Manson…you know, a soft faggoty sort of cancer on the zitty arse of our decaying empire.

And speaking of zitty arses, they’re curing HIV using stem cells now? That’s just GREAT! Now all the depraved sodomites out there can go bugger each other to their little hearts content and then just turn around and use the juice of sweet innocent murdered babies to cure their gay cancer and go back to taking the world over. This is the best thing to happen to the gay recruiters since Queer Eye got a twelve share, people. Fred Phelps is being picketed as a depraved, evil (obviously closeted, ragingly gay) bag of human waste while Neil Patrick Harris gets to host the video game awards? Has the world gone fucking insane?

I mean, we’ve got secessionist hillbillies from Alaska with real live retards and unwed daughter moms in their family tree trying to play as the moral center against a cigarette smoking Kenyan president who’s so hell bent on setting up death panels and putting queers in the military that he can’t even take the time to stop and prove that he’s not actually a Muslim. That’s a battle with no winners folks. And you know who loses? You, me, and most critically, your children. Think of them, why don’t you? Put down the Cheese steak and sex lube long enough to think of your motherfucking children for a change, eh?

And look at the fucking televisions, why don’t you? Everywhere you turn it’s some new fourteen year old trollop jazzercising her cameltoe across a writhing sea of naked bodies over to a bong in order to nationally televise themselves smoking some drug that I’ve never even heard of! We’ve got glory holes in our airport men’s rooms, people! And they’re talking about it on the news while good people like me are trying to eat dinner!

A few years ago, all our problems could be summed up in two words: “Britney Spears”. She was the crazy, drug addled pansexual provocateur with crazy eyes, a man haircut and a penchant for walking into restrooms with no shoes on that titillated the gays and the little girls and revolted the liberals and conservatives alike. And she was married to that loser with the sweatpants and the beard. Everyone hated him too.

Ah…that was a simple time. We had reckless hillbillies and vampires running the country and we felt like we could do anything and no one could stop us. We’d just lost a bunch of investment bankers in what can only be called a fair trade, because suddenly we were able to stomp all over the world, telling everyone to suck our collective sweaty dick and people just had to deal with it. USA! USA! Suck on that, Gorbachev!

Yup…those were the days: we were reckless and had no sense of consequences and we could blame all our troubles on one depraved white trash celebrity couple. There was no Lady Gaga. There was no meat bikini. There was no Levi Johnston’s issue of Playgirl. There was no girlish, crying republican speaker of the house. There was no sense that anything was less than awesome. We were careening towards heaven in a luxury sedan (american made!) driven by a drunken angel and we were taking out anyone stupid enough to step off the curb, be they man, woman or child.

Now, we’re headed to hell.

And just in time for Christmas. What a world.
Enjoy your holiday sodomy.