Friday, December 10, 2010

Happy birthday, Eric Halborg! Now back to me.

Okay, so I’m tweeting now (@badsandwich). I don’t really get it though. I mean, I’ve got it set up so if I text, for example “go get fucked why dontcha” that it turns up in my feed (is the shit called a feed?) but what’s with everything else? Like, I vaguely get that if I want to get toby’s attention, I can tweet “@redscaretoby is a total dildo” and that will somehow get reported to him, but does it get reported to him on his phone? On his computer? What the fuck? I don’t get it. What’s that noise? This music sounds like screaming to me! Oh! My hip! I’ve lost my medicine! Where’s the hash mark come in? Do I use that in a sentence like “man, how about those #cans? If I want to see a bunch of cans? I dunno. I really don’t know what the deal is with this twitter.

I dreamed about it last night though. That’s something. Usually, almost every night, I have the same dream. I’m having sex with a beautiful woman, but she’s got the face of Chris from my band and he’s got an Abe Lincoln beard and a stovepipe hat on (I guess another way to say this is that I’m doing it with an Abe Lincoln/Chris hybrid who has a vagina instead of a dick, but that makes it sound kind of gay) and then when we get up from that, I’ve got this gigantic dong, like two Pringles cans long and at least as big around as a slice of baloney (so, just a tiny bit bigger than my actual dong), and we have a good chuckle about how easy it is for me to suck myself off, and why do I even bother dealing with other human beings? Then we have fondue in the back of a mirror plated humvee and then usually, I wake up.

That’s the dream I have almost every night, but last night my dream involved twitter and all my followers and the notion that I’m further littering the already pretty gross internet with my unique form of uh…what’s the phrase I’m looking for? Useless drivel? Yeah, that’ll do. I guess though, if Sarah Palin can tweet, so can I, right? Of course I can. I mean, that chick on two separate occasions practically failed at passing Trig. Get it? Heyooo!

Okay, it’s not nice to make fun of a sweet woman who brutally and ruthlessly parades a special needs infant around the world at all hours in order to further her theocratic, fringe party agenda that promotes the destruction of the earth, the loss of basic freedoms, the war on small business, the middle class and the non-Christian world and of course the furthering and championing of the idea that stupidity equals honesty and patriotism somehow, because let’s face it: she’s pretty hot. And I’m sure she does depraved shit. Have you seen Todd? He’s gotta be a total ass man (and you know, if you do it in the ass, you’re still a virgin. True. Ask god.)

But this is the arena I’m in now. I’m a tweeter. A twitterist. I’m in the octagon with Palin and Kanye and Kim and Paris and man, I’ll be dipped in shit if they’re gonna do this better than me. I mean, I play to win, folks. That’s why my band is so popular and I’m so wealthy. And I’m gonna bring a new dignity to twitter. No C U FAGZ L8R shit for me, folks. That’s for your grandma Courtney Love and your great-aunt Lindsay Lohan. No. My twitterings (already more sophisticated sounding than tweets [you gotta start with the details, and work out if you want to fail in true, grand form]) will feature such lost traditions as punctuation and proper spelling. And you know, so forth.

So, my point is, fuck you Sarah Palin. Fuck you Kanye. Fuck you Courtney Love. You’re three people that I deeply respected before I started delivering my twitterings, but now, it’s on. It’s war. I fully expect to have more followers than Kanye by lunch time. Don’t let me down, slaves.

Now I just need to figure out how to work the twitter, and I’m set. Any advice?

26 comments:

Donnie said...

did you download the twitter app for your phone?

That might help....

Scott said...

dont feel bad, i have a twitter, i don't get it either.

date, no chaser said...

just spend like 3 hours clicking around the website & you'll figure out way more than you ever wanted to know about twitter. then you will realize how dumb 95% of the population is as well. at least that's how I did it...

@datenochaser

FranklinStein said...

LO FUCKING L

dustyfloors said...

# is a hashtag.

If you use that for something like #beaver as you already have it will be lumped in with any/all other tweets tagged with #beaver.

If enough people start tweeting about #beaver it will become a trending topic and you will be praised for your awesome twitterings...

Brett Story said...

So the obvious extension of what dustyfloors just said is that youshold put #boobs and #penis and #vagina in as many posts as you can and you'll have the biggest internet following ever.

Sean said...

socks, have you seen this? it's absolutely ridiculous...

http://www.buzzfeed.com/mjs538/miley-cyrus-smoking-salvia-out-of-a-bong



although I don't think that's really salvia.... I think she's smoking weed and is using the legal? salvia as a cover

It's A-me, Martucci said...

Brendan quit actin like you dont know the ins n outs of the internets like the back of your hand. You're clearly quite adept
#benstillerfaggot69

It's A-me, Martucci said...

Did that get tweeted? It gets tweetzed long as you put the pound sign right?? Dusty?

It's A-me, Martucci said...

'Chestnut1988', about 5 hrs ago:

"@badsandwich your jokes are dry and empty your trying tooo hard but damn it I understand you"

The posse should gang up n tweet the SHIT outta this guy! He seems like a real d-...should i say it? I dont wanna intrude on robb's troll meme or whatnot

dustyfloors said...

Awesome!
#benstillerfaggot69 is now a trending topic on Twitter

Robb said...

(Sheepish buck-toothed grin, eyes averted to floor; like a good-natured imbecile): Iz okaaaay, yoo cin saaay iiit...Dooooooooof- (lapses into violent spasms)

@Housedweeb I challenj thee to a spelling be! #confidence #humiwiation

Sickie27 said...

I'm about 200 twits shy of having 2,000 tweets so I think I win, right? Although 80% of my tweeds are me bitching about my feelings and the other 20% is me fawning over Ke$ha and/or Miley. I think it's still acceptable, though.

Me and my gentlefriend now follow you, though. Game on!

@Yumiko27, though. If anyone cares.)

siobhann said...

yay! may your twittering bring you a bounty of #boobs, #jugs, #cans, #funbags, and #beaver!

Garfield Roscoe said...

Apparently since I'm following you, I might also like to follow:

LilyLaBeau and kevin_nealon

haha, you and kevin nealon, peas in a pod.

Brittany Strummer said...

Why don't you tell Chris about that lovely story on twitter? @sundownermusic

TheMEATBOSS said...

Just play with the little button on your phone for some clitter action

Robb said...

(wearing one of those hats with the little propeller and really ill-fitting pajamas): Siiiickie...wann' seeee my pwiiiivates? (infantile giggle) ..wazaat baaad? I juss a doooofuss don' know no bettur!! (crosses hands over 'privates' compulsively)

relax bk there's like two more of these to go and it's over

Joe Lombardi, trained vocalist said...

breeeendan am i a gooooofball?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=id2q9-yoToI

Just doin' what I love!

Robb said...

(feasting on a bowl of cheez-it's floating in 2% milk like cereal; wearing comically oversized Garfield tshirt): Hooooooouse, can I play da hottist new video gaaayms wid yur doofuss yunger bruther for aprox. 45 minits and den steel yur dog an giv it a much happier life?? (begins counting on fingers methodically like Rain Man)

Robb said...

Hoooooooooousssseeee...

Hooooooouuuse, give me gentle doofuss fellatio while we watch Nobuhiko Obayashi's Hooooooooouuuse

Robb said...

man, i'm glad that's over. necessary though

limited nobility said...

The sock drawer has evolved into the "in a brass bra" amendment to the already dreadful phrase"Man,It's colder den uh witch's teety"......hooooouuuuuuusssss......















'

Hooooooouuuussssse said...

Haaaaaaaaaawzzzzz

It's A-me, Martucci said...

You already have 500 somethin twitter followers? How fucking irritating

Ryan said...

Good stuff. I don't really get the point of twitter. I used to know a girl that legitimately believed that she could get fucked in the ass and still be a virgin and lived her life by that. Pretty fucked up if ya ask me.