Dog fucking.

What is it with the dog fucking? It’s gross. We’ve touched on this before in this space, but for whatever reason, it’s decided to baffle me again today. What’s up with the dog fucking and the pig fucking and the horse fucking and all that? Oh, what’s that? No. No. I’m sorry, you’ve misunderstood me. Of course I know why guys fuck horses and pigs and cows and sheep and dogs and goats and cats and monkeys and hamsters and weasels and frogs and porcupines and warmed up melons and couch cushions and so forth. It’s because they’re guys. They’ve got dicks and the desire to stuff said dicks in pretty much whatever’s around is perhaps not always prominent, but definitely at the very least latently encoded into every wang controlling brain area (probably the stem [heyo!]) in every male that’s ever lived. Ever.

No, I understand why men fuck animals: men are depraved and gross and (again) we’ve talked about all of this before. There but for a long term of unbroken solitude, just me and my goats, go I. AND OKAY, I’d like to re-state this point: it’s gross and wrong and terribly disgusting and there’s NOTHING AT ALL good that ever comes from a dude fucking an animal (pretty controversial point of view, eh?), but I get it. What I’d like to examine today is the women who let animals fuck them…that’s a whole other thing, innit?

Okay, firstly, women don’t want to fuck animals. Women barely want to fuck men and the women that end up doing things like animal porn tend to be (and I’m generalizing a bit here, so forgive me) total crack whores and demented borderline retards. There’s absolutely zero market for women watching animals fuck women. It’s all men. But who the hell are these men?

What man out there has decided that in the name of pornography and this one particular fifteen minutes that he’s gonna devote to whacking off this one particular time on this particular day, he’d like to watch a woman suck off a pig? It boggles the mind. I mean, there are so many women out there doing so many weird depraved things in the world of pornography that you’d think that SOMETHING uh…species specific could scratch this guys itch, wouldn’t you? You’d think, between all the myriad perversions that gross, twisted human beings have cooked up to try to stuff into or splash all over one another that the notion of a woman getting fucked by a Labrador retriever in front of a fireplace wouldn’t ever need to be something that happens, let alone gets filmed. But it does. It happens and it gets filmed and there are people that love it. Presumably.

I mean, I’ve never met anybody who’s told me that they enjoy animal porn. I’m just assuming that they’re out there somewhere because otherwise, why would it exist? The guy that films the animal porn may not like it. The woman sucking the horse dick definitely hates it, but someone in the production hierarchy is into it, or it would never be. That’s just gotta be true, right? Of course. So what is the mental glitch that makes you want to see that sort of thing (and yes, I’m referring to your proclivity for beastiality as a glitch. Call me closed minded if you must)? That’s the question for today. And I think I may have an answer. Ready ladies?

Okay, here goes.
Men have the worst and most completely fucked up relationship with female sexuality. All our lives we walk around doing pretty much anything we can to get someone to blow us. It’s the number one goal in life. It’s why there are big cars, successful athletes, mansions, guys like Ty Pennington etc. The whole thing (being alive) is one very simple minded quest. Now, if you’re gay, you’ve got some problems to overcome in the short term. You’ve gotta tell your loved ones you’re gay, you’ve gotta deal with the fall out, you’ve gotta soul search and be strong and find yourself a little more than your straight contemporaries, but once you do…boy howdy did you hit the jackpot! Did you say blowjobs? Getting a blowjob at a gay party is like getting milk at the grocery store. You can’t just walk in and expect it for nothing, but if you do the bare minimum of work, you’re walking out satisfied. Yeah, being gay is no picnic, and I don’t want to belittle how difficult it is to have to grapple with your sexuality in a prejudiced world, but man…the garden of delights that awaits you, boys…good on ya. It seems like it’s gotta be worth it.

BUT, if you’re straight, you’re dealing in a whole different kind of garden…it’s more of a hedge maze, and the fucked up thing is that as far as I can tell, it’s pretty much straight guys who made the whole thing so confusing and difficult. And they did it by being complete assholes roughly 100% of the time.

We walk around looking for a woman that will be kind enough to blow us. We beg, we plead, we take trains mammoth distances. We stand in the rain with boomboxes over our heads blaring awful post-prog-african-inspired-brit-pop-garbage. We go see dumb movies with John Cusack in them, we sit though horribly dull conversations, we buy things, go to school, learn trades, join bands etc. etc. etc. all in the effort to find women kind enough to put our dicks in their mouths. And what happens when finally, after our desperate search, like depraved and dying wanderers lost in a desert who come upon a fresh pool of clear, blue water, we’re finally lucky enough to find a woman who will actually blow us?

We greedily receive the blowjob and then we blow them off, or call them sluts, or make fun of them some other way, or subtly decide we’re better than them. It’s completely fucking insane! WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT? THAT WOMAN HAS DONE FOR YOU WHAT YOU’VE BEEN TRYING TO GET DONE TO YOU SINCE YOU WERE TEN! What are you, retarded? That shit makes women not want to blow us, and that, in turn, makes it harder to get blown, which makes us have to work even harder, which makes the eventual shittiness that we exude once said blowjob is completed that much more fucked up.

But there are reasons. Bad ones, but reasons nonetheless.

Firstly, there’s no doubt about it. Women have the power over men. Yes, yes, in the hegemony and with the sexism and the phallocentric world and all that, of course men have the power, but when the rubber hits the road, men, slaves to their dongs, need women to handle said dongs badly, and therefore need women way more than women need men (I realize this is a gross simplification of the male/female sexual dynamic and one that’s possibly very offensive. I’m not referring to emotional need here, just the basic primal urge to bone, which is [and I don’t think this is any surprise to anyone] very different in men than it is in women. Not better, not worse, just different. And that’s all I’m saying here).

There’s a power dynamic in place with a bunch of gross needy men walking around with their dicks out on the bottom, and the women who think they’re gross on the top. Once a woman is somehow wooed and the BJ exchange has happened however, the man, temporarily clear headed for that brief, fleeting five or six minutes immediately following the blowjob when he’s not actively looking for a blowjob, may foolishly see himself as being some kind of awesome conqueror, rather than the pathetic recipient of charity that he is. In an attempt to keep himself on equal footing (a futile task) he may then start acting like a total dickbag. I’m not saying it’s good or right. I’m just saying men are gross pigs and they act like assholes. Cool? Okay.

So what does this have to do with horse fucking?

Porn is fantasy. I read an article recently that eloquently stated that women in porn are not like real women sexually. That’s exactly why they’re in porn. Even THEY don’t really like to behave like that. It’s fantasy. Deep inside, we know this, but we hate to admit it to ourselves. We pretend to think that we could probably bang Bree Olson if she was sitting next to us at the bar, because uh…she’s totally always banging random dudes, right? But we secretly know the truth. Those women aren’t banging us…even the ones in the gross gangbang porn where five hundred guys line up aren’t banging us. They’re getting paid and they’re in an industry and those dudes are professional stunt cocks and there’s a whole business paradigm going on there and secretly we know that. We know that as porn consumers we’re buying into a fantasy that we’ll never be a part of where we sub in our small dicks for the mammoth dongs in the movie and pretend that this woman enjoys taking said dick out of another woman’s ass and sucking it, even though that can’t possibly be true.

But those ladies that fuck dogs would probably fuck just about anyone. Even you.
And I think that’s the appeal. Because I can’t imagine what else it could be. I mean, have you seen a dog dick? It’s fucking revolting. That’s the only answer, folks. That’s why your uncle has those weird VHS tapes. That chick probably would fuck him. I mean, she fucked a pig!