who's next!??!

Hey y’all. Thanks for bearing with me yesterday. I felt terrible. I was actually up all night tossing and turning last night too for some semi nameless reason, so today marks the uh…I dunno, ten zillionth day in a row that I’m exhausted. Whatever.

I’ve been out with the vampires in Pennsylvania. Did you know that there were vampires out there? It’s true. That’s what happens when you end a place name with –Sylvania. Vampires move in. It’s like how young white hipster kids move into black neighborhoods that suddenly become predominantly latino. Or cancer when it moves into your bones. I dunno. Listen, this vampire had the biggest house I’ve ever been in. It was pretty wild. Okay, I’ll start somewhere in the middle and go from there.

This guy’s name was Bam. Now, I’d never heard of him before but apparently he’s famous for having a big fat dad that he punches while he’s sleeping or something. I dunno. It doesn’t make any sense to me either, but he was obviously rich. His compound (it was too vast and sprawling to call it a house) had what looked like an airplane hangar on it, and a big treehouse and a gigantic mural of Osama Bin Laden on the garage and a ton of purple cars and…well, honestly everything was purple. So, keep that in mind. Every single thing at this guy’s zone was purple, from the tricked out go karts to the little display cases that held all the various suits of armor in the living room to the pool table and the giant TV.

Oh, did I not mention that this house was actually kind of a castle and it was packed to the gills with swords and armor and helmets and all sorts of wacky shit like that? Or that there was a radio station inside (where some guy from CKY interviewed me and my friend Matt [but left my mic off {I’m pretty sure}])Or that there was a dude there who spray painted his dick silver and stretched out naked on the couch (which was actually a backyard swimming pool sized beanbag chair) in one of these helmets while a dude named louie flipped said silver dick back and forth between his hands like some sort of slinky?

Yeah. It was a real scene. Look, I gotta drive my wife somewhere and take my kids to a museum or something, so I gotta run. Sorry to leave you hanging right when it gets good.
We’ll talk more about this another time.
xoxox