So, it’s come to my attention that the evangelicals in this world believe that judgment day is, well, nigh, I guess…so that’s why they’re into doing shit like pushing for drilling in Alaska and killing all the animals and making sure all the babies get born, so you know, they can get baptized and therefore get into heaven (where, presumably, they’ll no longer be retarded). I thought they were wasteful, selfish, self important pricks, but it turns out that they’re actually green…like, super, duper, stuff-it-in-your-ass-Gore green. I mean, Jesus left all this yummy wolf meat running around, a bunch of oil and a whole ton of brown people to kill and laugh at the backwards ways of. If we don’t clean it up now, well, the rapture’s just gonna come and it’s all gonna be tossed out with the bathwater like the big mess that it is. That’s great. When Jesus gets back here, I’m sure he’s not gonna be happy unless we’ve strip mined everything, clear cut everything, neatly eliminated all the ‘endangered species’ and heated up the planet to a suitable temp. It’s just like when I close down the bar, the last thing I do is melt all the leftover ice. Nice work God lovers! The holy trinity is calling last call right now, and you guys are turning up the shitty music and bringing in the shrill assholes that just bark orders at the rest of us. Thank god. I’m only just beginning to understand that it’s all out of love! You just want to get us out of here and on the spaceships to heaven or whatever. Again, thank God.
Funny fact. Did you guys know jesus was actually a heathen? Well, he was a jew, which is like a rich heathen, as per my understanding of how things work. He was also a zombie. Well, he died and then his corpse was reanimated…that’s pretty much the definition of a zombie, right? Also, he was kind of a hippy with a bit of an authority problem (kind of like a young Bristol Palin, or Jenna Bush), and I’m pretty sure this one time, he performed abortions for a whole congregation with only four coat hangers. I don’t know. It’s been a long time since I read the bible.
I’m also finally picking up on that whole thing with the priests fucking the little boys…no abortions to worry about. In fact, that’s pretty much an ‘everyone wins’ sort of solution. Nice. See, Catholic fundamentalists and Protestant fundamentalists don’t disagree on everything.
I guess I had this modern take on religion wrong. See, I thought that fundamentalism, when applied to anything, be it Christianity, Islam, dog fucking, was dangerous and led to reprehensible behavior that can be easily explained away and justified by pointing to a list of made up rules…Turns out, they’re all just looking out for the rest of us.
We owe the fundamentalists in this world a debt of gratitude for ushering in the end of all things with such aplomb and zealous grace. So, thanks Islam, thanks Christians, thanks Zionists! As a token of gratitude I’m going to follow in the footsteps of Jesus and sort of march to the beat of my own drummer this weekend…You know, get an epidural, and abortion, some whiskey, a little meth, some porn and a big old dick to suck before this rapture thing goes down. Did I mention that Jesus was gay? Oh yeah, big time. It’s right there in the bible. He’s like, super gay. Like Larry Craig, Ted Haggard gay.