Friday, September 12, 2008

Ah, God...he is the biggest bitch of zem all

So, it’s come to my attention that the evangelicals in this world believe that judgment day is, well, nigh, I guess…so that’s why they’re into doing shit like pushing for drilling in Alaska and killing all the animals and making sure all the babies get born, so you know, they can get baptized and therefore get into heaven (where, presumably, they’ll no longer be retarded). I thought they were wasteful, selfish, self important pricks, but it turns out that they’re actually green…like, super, duper, stuff-it-in-your-ass-Gore green. I mean, Jesus left all this yummy wolf meat running around, a bunch of oil and a whole ton of brown people to kill and laugh at the backwards ways of. If we don’t clean it up now, well, the rapture’s just gonna come and it’s all gonna be tossed out with the bathwater like the big mess that it is. That’s great. When Jesus gets back here, I’m sure he’s not gonna be happy unless we’ve strip mined everything, clear cut everything, neatly eliminated all the ‘endangered species’ and heated up the planet to a suitable temp. It’s just like when I close down the bar, the last thing I do is melt all the leftover ice. Nice work God lovers! The holy trinity is calling last call right now, and you guys are turning up the shitty music and bringing in the shrill assholes that just bark orders at the rest of us. Thank god. I’m only just beginning to understand that it’s all out of love! You just want to get us out of here and on the spaceships to heaven or whatever. Again, thank God.
Funny fact. Did you guys know jesus was actually a heathen? Well, he was a jew, which is like a rich heathen, as per my understanding of how things work. He was also a zombie. Well, he died and then his corpse was reanimated…that’s pretty much the definition of a zombie, right? Also, he was kind of a hippy with a bit of an authority problem (kind of like a young Bristol Palin, or Jenna Bush), and I’m pretty sure this one time, he performed abortions for a whole congregation with only four coat hangers. I don’t know. It’s been a long time since I read the bible.
I’m also finally picking up on that whole thing with the priests fucking the little boys…no abortions to worry about. In fact, that’s pretty much an ‘everyone wins’ sort of solution. Nice. See, Catholic fundamentalists and Protestant fundamentalists don’t disagree on everything.
I guess I had this modern take on religion wrong. See, I thought that fundamentalism, when applied to anything, be it Christianity, Islam, dog fucking, was dangerous and led to reprehensible behavior that can be easily explained away and justified by pointing to a list of made up rules…Turns out, they’re all just looking out for the rest of us.
We owe the fundamentalists in this world a debt of gratitude for ushering in the end of all things with such aplomb and zealous grace. So, thanks Islam, thanks Christians, thanks Zionists! As a token of gratitude I’m going to follow in the footsteps of Jesus and sort of march to the beat of my own drummer this weekend…You know, get an epidural, and abortion, some whiskey, a little meth, some porn and a big old dick to suck before this rapture thing goes down. Did I mention that Jesus was gay? Oh yeah, big time. It’s right there in the bible. He’s like, super gay. Like Larry Craig, Ted Haggard gay.


lostandclowned said...

Fred Phelps is God.

Anonymous said...

No, they "fixed" Ted Haggard...he was just "confused".

@lostandclowned - Fred Phelps knows how it is: gay = bad, incest = his followers.

Jorubo said...

"Turns out, they’re all just looking out for the rest of us." That is a relief to hear, all this time I thought I was lost and no one cared.

Seagull Steve said...

Ya know, I always wonder how people can be really into certain bands when philosophically/politically/whateverally they have nothing in common. If some uberchristian Larry Arms fan (hypothetically, this is possible) read this, they might be in for some major butthurt. Oh well.

"I have a wide stance".

AT! said...

i think something akin to ghostbusters is about to happen. sarah palin is actually zuul. and john mccain is gozer. and rick moranis is rick moranis. and we're pretty much fucked because have you seen how terribly harold ramis has aged?

this is just the dream i had last night so i could be so totally wrong about this.

FranklinStein said...

you motherfucker!!!

lostandclowned stole my fuckin' idea! The only reason I decided to post was to praise the man that is Fred Phelps!


Anonymous said...

Your quick mention of the idea of a 7 inch qualified as (punk)news, but were you suggesting solo songs or larry arms 7 inches? I thought you meant full band, but punknews thinks you mean solo:

John Barrett said...

Jesus Saves (But God Hates us all)

Andrew said...

its funny how the org jumps on every little pointless ditty of information like it's headline front page of USA Today.
there has got to be another way.

Carl said...

jesus was a total homo. who else would care for the poor?

my biggest problem with christians is how unchristian like they generally are. what's the ratio of them working at the soup kitchen compared to the number of them complaining about paying taxes to fund social programs.

Sickie27 said...

This reminds me of my fundamentalist mother.

A few years ago she told me I didn't respect her and that I was going to die in a few days and got to Hell. I slept with a knife under my bed that night. Just in case something freaky went down.

Suzanne said...

I agree with Carl, I get really irritated at the overtly christian people I know, because, for example, they're far more likely than me, the atheist to steal shit from work, to be generally uncharitable and hypocritical with regards to what the bible says Christians should be, and how they actually act.