Thursday, September 18, 2008

You're like a disease, Kevin!

Dudes, dudettes! Good morning. I woke up and had to get the house in order on my own today, as the wife is out of town. So, I got the hookers to help me mop, dusted most of the coke off the baby and finally kicked that tranny out of my guest room. Also I cleaned up the dog shit that has become so ubiquitous with my morning routine. The house is still kind of a mess, but whatever, man! I can’t be expected to handle EVERYTHING, right? I know that every Thursday I complain about work, and today will be no different. Fuck working, man. If I had my way, I’d just live under the overpass in SF and grow my beard out, rarely wear a shirt and hit up local professionals wracked with white guilt over at the Jamba Juice for their quarters. But no! The prisons of marriage, children and wanting to keep my teeth have tethered me to the brutal wheel of servitude. Eh…I’m like the greatest American hero in the history of heroes. Woe is me.
I got this email from New England. It had a wonderful subject heading which was “Opinions are like assholes, and I need yours.” Now, people, pay attention, because that’s funny. If you want to dissect the humor, it probably comes from the fact that of COURSE he wants my asshole…it’s only the most desired asshole along the eastern seaboard. That’s like me saying I live near a Starbucks. Heh. Droll. Anyway…on to his query.

I recently began dating this girl. She lives a good deal away from me. I'm in Boston and she's in South Western Connecticut. Its a solid 6 hours via bus. To kick things off, we never really actually talked about dating per se. We talked about random shit like unicorns, rainbows, unicorns shitting out rainbows, you know everyday life. Then out of the blue, after maybe a week, I've now been dubbed her boyfriend. She never talked this over with me, and quite frankly it didnt sit well with me. I have some issues when it comes to commitment, mainly, I have a dick. I'm not saying I want to go cheat on her all the time and shit. Its more that being in a relationship seems to just scare the utter shit out of me and I always run the other way and sabatoge them right out the gate. I've done this with my last 5 relationships. None lasted more than a month because I felt like I was getting too close and overly attached to the person, and shot it down in a firey blaze. I can feel this one coming on. I'm becoming snarky, avoiding talking with her, and just getting annoyed by her for no real reason. I dont want to make this girl feel like crap. What should I do with her and how the fuck can I get over this woe is me fear of being with someone and it meaning a little something?

Side question: What do you about falling in love with one of your best friends? I've had this happen a lot. This honestly doesnt have anything to do with the first question though.

Okay, first things first…I don’t know from this letter how old you are, but that’s pretty crucial. Let’s say you’re 17-27 (which I gotta imagine is the case), Okay then, eh…who cares? She’s pushing your boundaries, you don’t like it, she lives six hours away and she’s making you feel pissed off? Hmmm…what to do?
Look, in this situation (the one where you’re seventeen to twenty seven) you just need to say, ‘hey, you’re kind of putting pressure on me that I don’t want/need, and it’s making me resent you. Let’s take a few steps back.” If she doesn’t like it, boo hoo. Sounds like you don’t like how it is now, so at the very least, you’re even. Man, there are so many people out there to hang out with, talk on the phone to and drunkenly bang in the shrubbery behind dunkin donuts, there’s absolutely no reason why you should make any attempt to leash your commitment shy dick to this six hour bus ride and subsequent pain in the ass at the end of it just because you guys share a philosophy regarding unity symbols and Unicorn proctology.
You’re young and it’s easy to get caught up in situations, but this sounds like unnecessary stress and drama (which is exactly what young people like to immerse themselves in). In the words of Samuel Jackson, tell that bitch to chill.

Okay, let’s say you’re 28 or above: 2 big things: 1. So you’re commitment phobic. That’s fine. You don’t have to have a girlfriend or a wife. It’s your life, man. Just because your friends are getting married and shit doesn’t mean you have to. If they all jumped off a bridge, would you? (nice!) Okay, seriously though, if you’ve got some issue based in past heartache (oh, I loved her and she blew my uncle! Now I’m scarred!) yeah, welcome to being alive…everyone has that shit. Sack up and deal with it or don’t, but don’t refuse to deal with it and wallow in the depression of not doing it. This is like eating cheesecake covered in caramel and complaining that you’re a lard ass. You get no sympathy. This brings me to point two, which is a lot like point one. You got to tell this chick that she’s fucking with your parameters. If she can’t handle that, she’s no good. She may say, ‘hey, you know what asshole? I’m gonna fuck with your parameters, because you fucking need it and you’re too much of a spineless pansy to jump in the fucking pool, so I’m pushing you in” and you may find that to be refreshing and great, or she may just get quiet and cry and get passive aggressive, which means she stinks, or any number of other things may happen. The point is, nothing ever got solved by sitting there and not doing anything. You’re good at articulating your problem to me. Try doing it to her (heyo!).
As for your post script…falling in love with best friends…yeah that happens a lot. The trick is to find a best friend that enjoys boning you as much as you enjoy boning them…then you marry that person. I don’t know if this is the answer you were looking for…uh, try honesty, I guess. Good luck.

All right! Later days and better lays, chicks and gays (and lesbians and straight dudes too, I guess, but it doesn’t rhyme nearly as well).


Jorubo said...

Home Alone!

Candice said...

you're such a fibber. we all know that you didn't make that tranny sleep in the guest room. you shouldn't feel ashamed.

Katie said...

Oh...nice Queers reference.

Ethan Anderson said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

Ok so I've got something I need some advice on from someone who doesn't know me.

I hold grudges over stupid shit and really wish I could stop. One grudge in particular is against this girl that I used to be really good friends with in high school. She seemed like the coolest person to me and everything I wanted to be like. We had some falling out that was probably complete bullshit as I can't remember why at this point. So we would passive-agressively make snide comments to about each other in our livejournals (fucking sweet and mature right?) until eventually I decided to stop doing that because it was dumb. Then, a mutual friend died and I decided we should put that shit behind us and try to be friends again. I'd go out of my way to see her and get approval from her (a completely seperate problem I have). I realized that she was incredibly immature and rude to her paretns constantly which I couldn't deal with because she acted like she was so independent when her parents did everything for her. So huge fight ensued again and now we haven't talked in a few years. Here's the deal: A lot of shit reminds me of her and I start to get panicky when I think about her. I hate allowing someone have that much influence over me. I saw her at school the other day and it sent me into a tizzy. I tried to not talk about it to anyone because I figure if I talk about it I'm never going to get the fuck over this shit. So, my question is how do I let go of this bullshit? I'd love to talk to her about it but can't stand talking to her. Damn, sounds like she should be an ex-girlfriend or some shit. I guess its a similar thing...

I hope that made sense.

Thanks for the list of places to go in Chicago as well, see you in October.

Kevin said...

You have the quote wrong, it's "Kevin, you're such a disease!"

alkalinepunk13 said...

hey brendan you've made you share of moves on chicks right? help me out on this one.
there's this chick i really like. when i hang out with her and she's talking to me all I can think about is wanting to kiss her.
we kind of have this thing going together and i think a kiss is all it will take to get things started...but how did i go in for the kiss without coming off as like a pervert or something. and what can i do to prevent getting denied on the kiss and being humiliated?

Ely said...

so your blog is now turning into a dating advice site. that idea is almost as great as your posts

Max said...

dear brendan,

there's been an accident.

now, i gotta stress that my intentions - my intentions from the very beginning - we're nothing if not good and true. people - yes, young people you see - we do... questionable things.

she was 12.