Monday, September 8, 2008

You say it's your birthday?

It’s my birthday. The garbage truck shook all the cars on my block, setting off a million alarms and woke my ass up at ten. My baby is at daycare, and I was supposed to sleep in as late as possible today. What a crock of bullshit. It’s one of those things, though. You can’t really get mad at the garbage man for waking you up…he’s, after all, hauling your old bloody Kleenexes and shit away, and has been since about 4 in the morning. I doubt he’s gonna be too sympathetic to my fucking woes. Okay, I don’t feel terrific. I’m tired. I’m going to have to nap soon, but I have to go to Costco first. Anyone ever been to this place? It’s THE go to for people who need a palate of toilet paper or two square feet of smoked salmon. I’m going for the formula and staying for the six pound bags of coffee.
My wife isn’t entirely convinced that all large stores are set up exclusively for women. I mean, obviously Target, Crate n Barrel, the Container Store, Pottery Barn, etc, are women stores. Look around next time you’re in there. It’s women with these predatory looks of excitement dragging around dead eyed men, without fail. Oh spare me! No, your boyfriend does NOT like target. He likes your vagina and so pretends to like Target as to keep his access more unfettered.
I would throw into this mix Home Depot. My wife insists that I’m just a pansy with no interest in home improvement, which is true. What she doesn’t understand is that that’s the male in me. It’s a farce on par with the fallacy of the liberal media that men are interested in home improvement. Ever see a bachelor’s house? MAYBE he has a dresser. Things like granite counter tops, recessed lighting, decorative sconces, dark hardwood, these are things like hair conditioner- Things that men don’t even really understand the appeal of but know that it makes women think you’re the kind of guy that they may someday want to blow. Sorry to ruin the illusion, but it’s true. Ladies, if your man really, truly likes sprucing shit up around the house, and he’s not just doing it to appease you, he’s gay. No question.
Tonight, I’m going to a shitty dive bar to hang out with my 2 besties. That’s all I want in the way of a celebration. I’m old.
I’m going to eat a large cheeseburger right now. It’s my birthday, man. I’ll do what I want. If you want to help me celebrate my birthday, please send naked photos of yourself to me. Dongs or clams, people. I don’t care. Thanks in advance, and if you’re sitting there being like ‘would he really like to see me naked?’ Of course! SPRING BREAK!

16 comments:

Danny Cohn said...

cant wait for you to post all the nakedness you receive. Happy Birthday!

John Barrett said...

Just use your imagination based on the blogger photo. Eew. Happy Birthday. I hear some big news is on the way about Palin's youngest "child" and how it's more along the line of her oldest grandchild. I hope this lady causes the judgmental loons that would normally vote without thinking for the Republican to not do that. Thoughts on the hypocritical nature of voters in this country?

Again, happy birthday.

8======D (it's a dong)

John Barrett said...

of note is that i am unbuttoning my shirt in that picture btw.

Troy said...

Being old is not punk.

But seriously, how are you? 30? 30 something? Oh fuck it, I know you have a myspace somewhere, I'll just add you.

Myspace is not punk.

P.S Don't Write said...

happy birthday, dude. It was my nephews birthday yesterday, and I made him this, but you can share in the joy too...
http://tinyurl.com/6qhsxk
I know you're not three. Lets just pretend that the other digit fell off... ;)

Mark said...

Happy birthday.

Eat a cake and get drunk or something.

Pete said...

Happy birthday!
Cheers for September birthdays. Mine is coming up on saturday.
Only one more year until I can go to shitty dive bars too.

Andrew said...

happy birthday brendan. Reading your blog gives me a chubby so i'll take a pic for you

alkalinepunk13 said...

happy burfday bk

Candice said...

don't tempt me.

SauliosBJ123 said...

if I have a kindergartener read your blog...do you still want a naked picture of them? Happy birthday. Hope you don't get arrested for naked pictures of little kids.

buddyc said...

you remind me of a younger and skinnier Lou Dobbs.

Happy Birthday Brendan!

Brian said...

Doe one of your besties include Neil Hennessy?

Julie said...

happy birthday bk! it really is an unoriginal birthday, you know? i seriously have at least 10 other acquaintances with your same birthday.

cheers,
julie wager (for 5 more days, then i become julie candy..so don't you forget it!)

Alex Pel said...

happy birthday man!

Jahni Mindu said...

Happy belated birthday!
i hope your hungover today
:)