It’s my birthday. The garbage truck shook all the cars on my block, setting off a million alarms and woke my ass up at ten. My baby is at daycare, and I was supposed to sleep in as late as possible today. What a crock of bullshit. It’s one of those things, though. You can’t really get mad at the garbage man for waking you up…he’s, after all, hauling your old bloody Kleenexes and shit away, and has been since about 4 in the morning. I doubt he’s gonna be too sympathetic to my fucking woes. Okay, I don’t feel terrific. I’m tired. I’m going to have to nap soon, but I have to go to Costco first. Anyone ever been to this place? It’s THE go to for people who need a palate of toilet paper or two square feet of smoked salmon. I’m going for the formula and staying for the six pound bags of coffee.
My wife isn’t entirely convinced that all large stores are set up exclusively for women. I mean, obviously Target, Crate n Barrel, the Container Store, Pottery Barn, etc, are women stores. Look around next time you’re in there. It’s women with these predatory looks of excitement dragging around dead eyed men, without fail. Oh spare me! No, your boyfriend does NOT like target. He likes your vagina and so pretends to like Target as to keep his access more unfettered.
I would throw into this mix Home Depot. My wife insists that I’m just a pansy with no interest in home improvement, which is true. What she doesn’t understand is that that’s the male in me. It’s a farce on par with the fallacy of the liberal media that men are interested in home improvement. Ever see a bachelor’s house? MAYBE he has a dresser. Things like granite counter tops, recessed lighting, decorative sconces, dark hardwood, these are things like hair conditioner- Things that men don’t even really understand the appeal of but know that it makes women think you’re the kind of guy that they may someday want to blow. Sorry to ruin the illusion, but it’s true. Ladies, if your man really, truly likes sprucing shit up around the house, and he’s not just doing it to appease you, he’s gay. No question.
Tonight, I’m going to a shitty dive bar to hang out with my 2 besties. That’s all I want in the way of a celebration. I’m old.
I’m going to eat a large cheeseburger right now. It’s my birthday, man. I’ll do what I want. If you want to help me celebrate my birthday, please send naked photos of yourself to me. Dongs or clams, people. I don’t care. Thanks in advance, and if you’re sitting there being like ‘would he really like to see me naked?’ Of course! SPRING BREAK!