Tuesday, September 9, 2008

They call me Snotty.

The day after your birthday is always kind of crappy, right? You’re a little older, and you’re kind of getting used to the idea of everyone treating you a little bit special, but guess what? It’s not your time anymore, pal. There are billions of birthday boys and girls out there and we’ve gotta move on. Enjoy your hangover and your new proximity to death. Whee!
I went to Kuma’s Corner for lunch yesterday. What’s Kuma’s? Well, it’s only one of the places you absolutely should go when you’re in Chicago.

Kuma’s Corner-
Without having any of the details, I’m gonna just guess that this place was started by a guy who loves heavy metal, microbrews and cheeseburgers because, well, it’s a cheeseburger restaurant where every burger is named after a different metal band (I had the Insect Warfare yesterday…but I often get the Clutch), they blast metal and they have all sorts of dumb ‘specialty beers’. Fear not, for they also have PBR. It’s expensive and you’ll feel like shit for a long time after you eat one of their burgers (which have serious variety. What do you like on your burger? Eggs? Goat Cheese and green chili? Pineapple? Whatever, they do it there), but that moment you’re eating the burger, you’re kind of drooling meat and saying things like, ‘you know, Chris, this probably IS the best burger I’ve ever had.’ The waitresses are all cute chubby Midwestern girls who have lots of tattoos and look like they probably eat too many delicious cheeseburgers. It’s kind of a douchefest in there, honestly, because it’s where the elite hipster dildos and the bohemian graphic designer soccer dads go to agree on something and, you know, the employees know that the place is awesome, and they kind of act elite for some reason (um, dude, I don’t care how cool your restaurant is, you’re still a busboy, okay?), but that’s all easily overlooked, cuz, man, that burger is delish.

Yeah, so I went there yesterday. I got sick. I blame it on a late night, early morning, latent hangover, giant burger, trip to Costco, internet pornography, my parents, the state of America’s public schools, religion (God specifically), sexual taboos, beet famine, shit fetishists, bowlers, grandma’s day and jalapeno cheetos.
Regardless, I’m not here to cast stones. I feel okay today, and me and the boy are going to hit the town as soon as he wakes up. Maybe we’ll go to the zoo, or maybe to a bar. Who can say at this point? The world is our oyster.

I think that one thing I can tell you for sure is that I’m tired, and I didn’t get nearly enough nudes from you guys! Come on, I know you’re proud of that neatly trimmed nutsack or almost symmetrical set of tits! This is your big chance. I’m actually too much of a luddite to even know how to post pictures on this internet thingy, so whatever…I’m not turning this into a porn site any time soon, I guess.
Blogs are boring, huh? I woke up, ate lunch, hated my job, missed my dead puppy, played some scrabble and made a manwich. Whoopee! Someday I’m going to do something exciting, and you people will all sit there in your cubes, just eating lean cuisines and reading about my endless adventures and you’ll just be like “man, I wish I was doing that shit!” but today, not so much. I’m just kind of kicking it, which, technically is cooler than being at work, so yeah, nevermind. Start your jealous little engines. I’m in my underwear right now! Nah, that’s not even true. What’s actually true? I’m going to have a sparks soon! I hear they’re trying to outlaw sparks, which is just sad…What do they mean it’s bad for you? Spoken like a true old world pussy if you ask me. We need to stock up. In a world where sparks is illegal, only outlaws will drink sparks.


Anonymous said...

So Chris,Neil and maybe that Toby guy. Got shitfaced and ate bad burgers, sounds like a good B-day.

Anonymous said...

No mention of those that made your birthday so great?!?! I'm fuckin' GLAD you feel less special. Also, that Sparks is mine.

Robb said...

The phrasing of your last sentence ("In a world where Sparks is illegal...") reminded me that film trailer voicover god Don LaFontaine just died, and now I'm totally bummed.

sassy said...

outlaw of sparks?!
i really hope your bullshittin.
k..i gotta go investigate this matter.
fuck workin. theres better things to worry about like the outlaw of sparks.

Keri said...

whatever dude, sparks isn't even that good. i mean it totally negates itself so you're still drunk but maybe not as tired...ok i guess it's alright.

but joose is the shit. it's stronger and cheaper. do they have joose out here?

Eric said...

i am quitting my job next friday and i plan on drinking sparks all day, every day, for a month

Anonymous said...

Happy belated birthday! Also, the new D4 album is fucking ridiculously excellent. C'mon, Brendan, Larries need to up the ante and make a record of their own. :)

Anonymous said...

My friend told me about some guy that had sex with a horse and got his insides all ripped up from the penis being so big and he died. Then, he brought up that there is a movie about it today called "Zoo" and so now I don't think I'll ever think of the zoo the same. I'll always be a little paranoid I'm going to show up at the zoo and there will be nothing, but a guy getting fucked by a horse.

terrrrrible said...

@sauliosbj123 Yeah, that's Zoo / Mr. Hands he was talking about. Guy died from internal bleeding and all of that good stuff.

They better not outlaw Sparks, because I know some people that will be pretty angry / start riots.

mutiny123 said...

sux they might outlaw sparks...if its any consolation when i'm hangin i usually take 2 aspirin, a vitamin C tablet, a vitamin b-complex tablet, and drink em down with a pediasure(not just for babies huh). you can follow up with an energy drink if needed. Don't expect miracles though, this usually helps me out.
oh and i found a link to a site that talks about the lawsuit over sparks.


deanna said...

fuck sparks! let's talk about the fact that the goblin cock has bacon and a HOTDOG on top of it (among about ten other condiments and veggies)! this is some intense meat stackin' going on here. just one of those places you have to try once.

i have to go back there soon. one of the few places where i can get a delicious la fin du monde. (no i do not get the goblin cock).