I know that I must do what's right, sure as Kilamanjaro rises like Olympus above the Sarengetti

Hey there. It’s Thursday. As usual, I have to go to work, and as usual, I couldn’t be more excited. I’ve been thinking about this wacky election we’ve got coming up in our country, and of course, I can’t help but think of the Palin family. So, yeah, Mrs. Palin is a hardline moralist who’s against abortions, but also against sex education and in an unrelated story, she’s got a pregnant daughter who’s a seventeen year old boozehound (I think we talked about this before, right? Seventeen year olds + booze = pregnant teens/ all the Doritos in the house are gone, depending on how popular the kids are) and a retarded baby named Trig. That’s pretty fucked up. Trig. Can’t you already hear the kids on the playground making fun of his name? Oh, that’s right…they’ll already be too busy making fun of him for being retarded. Well, at least, if she already had the name picked out, she’s figured out a pretty great way to keep all the kids from making fun of it. The name, that is.
Okay, that’s just a little fun that I like to have with the misfortunes of others, and when I say others I mean people who are very actively trying to tell me what to do, which I don’t like so much. Just to be clear, I’ve got nothing against Trig, or Bristol. They’re just kids, and they’ve both got some serious struggles ahead of them. Kind of a bummer. BUT, in the service of community, I’d like to suggest a few things you, out there, can do that won’t lead to pregnancy, retarded or otherwise:

Butt fucking- All the pleasure of sex (for the guy) with none of the worry about pregnancy! Hey, sure you can spread disease this way, but come on! When’s the last time you read the sign over the sink in the bathroom? You can spread disease by not washing your hands after you pee. Trust me on this, if you’re unable to have sex, for fear of having a baby and upsetting your god, buttfucking is the next best thing.

Opiates- Ever take a handful of Oxycontins and try to get someone pregnant? Ever succeed? No man has. From Heroin to Codeine, nothing says “limp wiener” quite like an opiate. So go nuts kids! I’m also pretty sure that prescription drugs aren’t even immoral! IMPORTANT NOTE: If you’re a woman and you take opiates, you’ll probably still end up pregnant. I’m actually quite positive your chances go up, so watch out.

Domestic Violence- All the slapping, grunting and bad smells of sex with none of the chance that a vengeful stork will pop his head down your chimney in three quarters of a year. You’ve heard that pervert on Entourage talk about ‘hugging it out’? Well, I’m talking about ‘slugging it out’. NOTE: This is unacceptable if you’re just picking on someone smaller than you, but a full on back and forth slap off, well, there’s nothing immoral about that! Ask Jesus. It’s not like you’re masturbating.

Which leads me to…

Public Masturbation- So, you want the thrill of being risky but without the worry of a baby? Well, head down to the salon or the gym…anywhere where there are people basically stuck to a machine staring out a window, and just whip it out. This never stops being exciting and fun! Check out the face on that woman! Look at that fat guy trying to run out here and stop you! He’ll need to do a few more laps before he can catch you, right? Woo-hoo. See what I mean? Good times. Jesus doesn’t like this one, like we talked about before, but whatever…just go confess if you’re catholic. That’ll get you in good with the man upstairs for a few reasons. If you’re a protestant, hey, all you have to do is TALK about how bad that shit is. Your actions don’t matter! For example, if you just say things like “Being gay is a sin!”, that makes it okay for you to secretly be gay! Wear a shirt that says “My hands are for praying, not playing” or something like that, and you can whack off with impunity. At least, this is my understanding of evangelical protestant doctrine. But hey, what do I know? I’m a Zoroastrian. We have to beat off five times a day, to the east or we get eaten by hungry boars for eternity.
Well, that’s all the time I have today, everyone. I hope you guys have a great time staying pure in the eyes of god and party with these helpful tips.
Prost!