Tuesday, October 28, 2008

I got ants in my pants. I'm jumpy.

Last night I was going back through the old posts on this blog to try and figure out when my baby started sleeping through the night. Turns out it was about the second week of August. Anyway, I was struck by the notion that perhaps this thing is just getting shittier and shittier with each passing day. Now, this is one of the most patently ridiculous things to worry about as A) this is a blog…so who cares B) A lot like point A, this thing is supposed to be a reflection of my thoughts, which means it can really only be measured empirically, and C) Are you fucking crazy? This shit’s better than ever, yo!
BUT, this moment of panic on my quest for self actualization, or whatever you want to call it, really highlights something that I think is important in the world of making shit, call it ‘art’ if you must (though I hardly think dick jokes and entreaties to not be such pussies about what you drink at the bar could ever qualify as art…maybe in the south). Namely, the fear that everything you’re making is subpar. This is a funny thing, because usually, you start off a project (for this example, we’ll use a blog, but this could just as easily be a book, a band, a screenplay a series of paintings or an interracial gangbang video serial…really anything that taps into your creative mind) and there are no expectations, so the first blog entry (in this case, a little number I did back in July 08 entitled ‘hello blogosphere’) isn’t burdened with having to really do anything. If, by the creator’s standards, it succeeds then a second one follows. If it sucks, then it’s abandoned and well, no one’s any wiser or worse either way. BUT, if it’s successful, and continues to be, then there’s a moment where you, as a creative heavy lifter, start to look back to those carefree days when there were no expectations and wish you could recapture that magic. Why? Because the stakes are higher now, you’re ostensibly better at what you do, and so you’ve got all sorts of new expectations to deal with, and as such the freedom to just kind of let shit roar (which is usually when the best shit is made) becomes compromised. So, what do you do? Oh, what do you do?
Usually, between these moments, the moment of initial conception, when, let’s say, the band gets together and writes that first song or you first film that first Japanese girl taking a dump on that other girl, you get a period where you’re still unburdened, but you’re heady with the success of kind of effortlessly succeeding. This is absolutely the best place to be creatively. The, “man, these people are gonna be fucking amazed when they see the shit I’m pulling off next!” mentality definitely makes for the most effortless and therefore highest caliber output.
But whatever, I’m talking about what happens once you’ve crested that and you’re just sitting there in your underpants looking at your computer going “fuck. Can I still do this shit? I don’t even remember why I liked interracial gangbangs in the first place.” What do you do? Well, you take comfort in the fact that your creative mind is jolting you with fear as a method of inspiration, for one thing. One thing you should never ever do though, is look to your own output from the past as inspiration. That’s the artistic (just for lack of a better word) equivalent of eating your own shit for nutrition. It kind of works, but it doesn’t work nearly as well as eating the stuff that the shit was made from.
Man, so, in my first entry I laid out what this thing was gonna be about, a bit of a mission statement, and I said it was gonna be self reflexive (dude…check.) and advice oriented (seems like I solved everyone’s problems, because I haven’t got any good advice queries in a while…except for the guy who wants to know how to get his old lady to wax her asshole and beav…Okay, here’s what you do. You wait until things are relaxed and you’re just kind of having a good, fun conversation. Maybe you’re drinking wine and sitting on the porch or maybe you’re watching tv in bed or maybe you’re driving somewhere…get the idea, somewhere conversational. Anyway, casually bring up something you’ve seen regarding waxing, like say, that scene in the forty year old virgin. You mention how funny that shit is, or how disturbing it is, and as every conversation about waxing has ever done, it will eventually turn to how much pain the waxee feels during the process. At this point you say something like “yeah, for sure, but I gotta tell you, I think that girls that are all waxed look super hot.” Then, you see what the reaction is. If it’s something like ‘WHAT? REALLY? EW!” then it doesn’t seem to me like you’re with a girl who’s ever gonna drip hot wax onto her asshole and pull out the hairs…sorry. Pretty much any other reaction, and you’ve planted the seed. And really, that’s the most you can do, because talking to people about their grooming habits is like talking to people about their kids…they get defensive real fast, and if you want someone to do what you want, the last mindframe you want them in is defensive. SO, then you change the subject and wait for your birthday.)

Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, so we’ve got self reflexive, advice oriented, and finally celeb and pop culture driven, so, like when I say that I can’t believe that LC and Heidi are talking again, I fulfill this part of the mission statement. Good. Done. Hmmmm….I don’t know though. I used to do lots of lists. I haven’t done a good list in a while. How about this? Here’s a list of things that if you’re holding when someone walks by you on the street, you’re guaranteed to get a strange, judgmental look.
A baby that’s absolutely freaking out.
Your penis.
A large pizza (the ‘you’re already fat’ category)
A hypodermic syringe
Lotto tickets and a welfare check
A bucket full of gasoline
A bucket full of chicken heads
A map of the town you’re in
A swastika flag
An autographed picture of OJ
A balloon (the ‘you already look like a pedophile’ category)
A kid on a leash
-this one really pisses me off. Kids learn to walk before they learn to comprehend things like how it feels to get hit by a car or what it’s gonna take to find mommy in this gigantic parking lot, and yet assholes just blithely comment on this like it’s their right. “Don’t put that kid on a leash. He’s not a dog!” Hey, guess what asshole? He’s not a dog, but I’ve got kind of a lot to keep track of over here, firstly, and secondly, go fuck yourself. You know what’s dangerous? Coming up to strangers and telling them how to raise their kids, ESPECIALLY if they’re just doing something harmless that protects said kid. You know what? You should maybe get that tubby wife of yours to put YOU on a leash so you don’t wind up getting punched in the face for sticking your nose in other people’s business. Anyway, my kid can’t even walk, and as such, he’s never been on a leash, so this isn’t a gripe from personal experience. It’s just one of those things I’ve seen happen and it’s fucking infuriating. That person is a parent, their life is over and they’re trying to navigate this drunk midget with no grasp of English or the physical world through the fucking Macy’s. give ‘em a fucking break, man. Christ.
Back to the list:
Anything that implies that you’re a hippy (you’re dressed like a stupid hippy category)
This includes:
-a flower
-a cup for change
-keys to an SUV
-a lid of grass
-some Quaaludes
(At this juncture, I’d like to point out that there’s absolutely nothing judgmental about hating hippies. It’s perfectly natural)
A large dildo
A small dildo
Any sort of double dildo
Sheep carcass

Okay, that’s pretty good. I have a friend who sometimes eats his mcdonalds cheeseburgers on the toilet while he takes dumps. He says something about evening out the amount of food inside you or something like that. It’s gross. But he also shits for half an hour at a time and gets really sweaty, so maybe he needs the snack. I bring this up only because my baby is currently eating and attempting to poo at the same time. Today it’s peas. I just tried em. They’re actually not bad. Off to the farmers market. Last chance of the harvest season, people. I gots to get my fuji apples and deer steaks before winter sets in.
xoxoxo

18 comments:

Andrew said...

if the beginning of this was some kind of metaphor for your band I encourage you to keep going. Even if your next record sucks total ass I will continue to purchase your music because I know that record was probably a fluke and the next one will destroy me.
That being said, I am strongly predisposed to believe that your next record will not suck because I've heard that new song you played at the subterranean on youtube. Rules.
But take for example the Gaslight Anthem. You have no doubt heard all the hype about them by now. Sink or Swim came out last year and freaking ruled. And the Senor and the Queen EP came out and continued to rule. Then came The '59 Sound. It blows. I absolutely refuse to believe any of the asskissers that said it is better than the first. It's just not true. But I will continue to listen in the hopes that it was just a sophomore slump.

Now after that too-drawn-out analogy, I have another piece of useless information to add. You should convince Chris (mccaughan, I don't know if you have other friends named chris) to write a blog. He's probably at least close to as good a writer as you, and probably close in popularity. I for one would lap that shit up. I want to know what's on his mind too. Call me nosey.

J said...

Amen about the kid leash. The only reason I don't own one is because I'm non-confrontational and can't stand said judgmental looks, but my daughter's a damn lunatic.

Joe Costa said...

Your description of a child as a drunk midget is the best thing I've ever read anywhere.

And, because you haven't gotten a decent query for advice for a while, I've got one. And yes, it's about girls, and I feel like a tool, but I guess this is my small way of trying to get you to keep writing, because every time you write, and I read it, I'm also inspired to write.

Okay so, I'm a sophomore in college. Last year, I had speech with a girl that I determined I really wanted to get to know. So I did. Just as things started to look like they were going somewhere, she ends up in a relationship with a younger guy. I guess they went to high school together, he was still in high school at this time, etc.

So fast forward to now. We are pretty good friends. Every week we go get Chicago Dogs together, occasionally go out for a few drinks together, etc. I sense that there is some interest, and her boyfriend now lives 2 hours away in Gainesville, as opposed to 45 minutes away before. Now, I should probably preface this with the fact that aside from being a complete dork on the internet, I am actually pretty cool/amiable/funny/intelligent in real life. The major disconnect between her boyfriend and I is that he is one of the sensitive, lovey-dovey, sappy types, where I'm more fun loving, live and let live, etc kind of guys (I know I sound like I'm tooting my own horn a little bit but just bare with me). Now, I do feel like there is something there, and I think I could really break her out of her shell that she seems to be in. Is it okay to want to break her off from her boyfriend? And if so is there any advice you could give me to aid in this? Thanks.

A l e x said...

for the record, the '59 sound is totally as good as sink or swim, if not better. i hate confrontational strangers. and the correct response to your cheeseburger-eating-friend, is, of course, "don't you mean evening out the amount of shit inside of you?"

oh snaaaaapz.

Troy said...

Bro. Kids on a leash is fuckin' creepy.

Robb said...

Double quarter pounders whilst on the John? Never tried that--but I know I do like it.

strokerace241 said...

So..It's cool to walk around town with a medium sized dildo?

alkalinepunk13 said...

Dear BK,
I was starting to really get to know this girl. We had been hanging out alot and I really started to fall for her. I didn't want to come on to her too fast so I decided to take it slow. That might of been where i fucked up. She started talking to my friend and somehow he got his arms around here and now they're kind of together. I'm pretty sure he knew I liked her. Well now I've been going crazy cause I never had the chance to tell her how I feel. You think it would still be a good move to go for it? The guy she's with is my friend and all but I'm just sick of getting fucked over. What can I do?

SauliosBJ123 said...

For reasons that are unimportant, yesterday I began to think about how small of dildos exist. It doesn't seem logical to have like 1/4 dildos...but I think it would be funny to have a 1/4 dildo that is meant to look like a character's exposed penis in a movie (which is the original reason that I said was unimportant).

Chas Lee said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Purplesmurf said...

Are we still on the leash thing???

I remember a rant about people being on leashes that was made by you about 5 or 6 years ago. It pretty much ruined your experience to Rockford,IL and I am sure you have never returned since.

Someday you will be able to move on from this I am sure...

Kyle Krische said...

'59 Sound is a solid all around record, while I do agree Senor and Sink or Swim were better, it's still a good album.

Suzanne said...

Firstly, the kids on a leash thing is totally acceptable in england, since the nineties when two kids abducted a toddler from a mall and did things that really don't bear thinking about.. Since then, it became totally cool and the done thing to leash up your kids when out and about.

Secondly, advice..

Creative stuff. I paint and draw a lot, do tattoo designs, all kinds of stuff. How do you price up creative endeavors? Do you change what you would charge someone based upon random factors? It's always awkward to deal with people and money, especially since, ya know, I'd rather get paid something than not make any money at all, but. yeah..

Angiepants said...

The best baby food is Gerber peaches. I used to steal that shit from the younger gremlin all the time. I think that makes me a bad aunt. But whatever, that shit was tasty.

Angiepants said...

And Purplesmurf, dude, kids on leashes is like, last on the list of reasons to not go to Rockford.

SauliosBJ123 said...

http://www.brendankellylpnh.com/

Sickie27 said...

Kids on a leash thing...
I never SAY anything to the people who put their kids on leashes, but I can't help but think, "What the fuck, person."
I'm a female so I've done my share of babysitting, not to mention I have a five year old niece. And I make sure the little suckers are permanently attatched to my hand/side in public places. I've never lost a kid on the way. I, however, have been lost about twice as a child. But only because my mother is an oblivious cunt who probably wanted to lose me anyway.



But I love you anyway even if we do disagree.

nancy said...

So, it looks like we're still discussing kids on a leash. I'm glad you gave us your view on it cause prior to reading your opinion I was kinda weirded out by it. How about a list of other parenting taboo topics, such as breastfeeding in public. I saw a lady breastfeeding while walking around Wal-Mart and my face got red. On a final note, the '59 sound blows nuts. Especially that god awful only cowgirls get the blues or whatever it is. Sink or Swim and Senor and the Queen were awesome and I was all set for the gaslight tattoo but then once I heard '59 sound I changed my mind. Like Andrew says, maybe it's just a slump. BSC=punknews.org?