I just read the following (and this is a paraphrase) “Tom Hanks’s Blog! Find out how the world’s coolest actor spent his summer vacation.”
Dude. Seriously. Tom. Hanks.
Okay, so he was in Bosom Buddies, sure. He did Joe vs. The Volcano and Bachelor Party and more recently (but still, like ten years ago) he made a movie with a beachball and grew some dreads. I personally think white guys with dreads are, um, what’s the word I’m looking for…I don’t know. Is there a word for when you go out of your way to do something that makes you look stupid/blissfully unaware of who you are/annoying/gross/ pathetic and greasy all at once? Damn this limited vocabulary! I mean, having dreads is one of those things that you can use as the ONLY description of a person and it usually suffices:
“Okay, so we’re at the theater, all ready to leave and all of a sudden Melanie is talking to this absolute douchebag and I’m like ‘lets go!’ and she actually decided to stay and go to some bar with him.”
“What was the guy like?”
“Oh, you know. He was one of those white guys with dreadlocks.”
See? It’s a bad scene. But whatever, man. Some people think that’s cool, I guess. (Actually, I’m personally not too impressed by the whole ‘physical transformation to play the role’ school of hardcore method acting or whatever it’s called either, speaking of old ‘Castaway’. Wow. You got fat. Wow. You got skinny. You got TEN MILLION FUCKING DOLLARS to do it. Give me thirty grand and I’ll pack on a hundred pounds quicker than you can say ‘Oprah’ and I won’t even go around to talk shows talking about my bravery in the name of my craft…sheesh. Actors, what a bunch of self important dongs.) Okay, so back on track here. Tom Hanks is not the coolest actor alive. I don’t know who is, but I know who ain’t. Here’s a quick summary of some actors who aren’t the coolest actors alive, no matter what their publicists tell you.
Tom Hanks- Not to belabor the point, but no, dude. The Terminal is the last movie I can even think of that he was in. That was what? A serious take on Borat but confined to an airport? Wow. Good idea, studio executive! It appeals to everyone who went to Borat for the love story, but got a little unnerved by the rampant dick flailing/gay sex. Tom’s New Englander accent in ‘catch me if you can’ was so embarrassing that Leonardo Decaprio’s Irish brogue from Gangs of New York was laughing at him, and that’s saying something, cuz leo’s no fucking master of accents.
Robin Williams- God, I’m so sick of this guy and his bullshit. He’s the classic example of someone who lost it, and then rather than looking forward for inspiration he turned to his old work. When he does his “Robin Williams thing” he’s essentially eating his twenty year old poo and shitting an even less nutrient rich version of the poo back out for us to kind of try to enjoy in that ‘oh-I-used-to-like-something-kind-of-like-this-years-ago’ sort of way. And god help you if he’s not doing his ‘every-reference-under-the-sun-coked-out-just-kidding” thing…then he’s doing something so laughably heartfelt and contrived that it verges on being funnier than his crappy stand up….ugh. It’s enough to…
Okay, I can’t do this. I don’t care about old actors who desperately cling to their faded glory days…Sometimes I can laugh at or along with the morality play/cautionary tale that is Hollywood and sometimes it just bums me out. That place is seriously like a work camp where we send our most desperately insecure and untalented individuals to fuck and suck their way through the smartest/slimiest/grossest/most conniving human beings on the planet, and as a reward, we go through their trash, examine every aspect of their lives, feel smugly superior as we worship them, and then give them a few million to blow on coke before they either get dragged, kicking and screaming into obscurity or they die, or, in the rare case, they just take the money and run.
I never understood why more people didn’t pick this last option. I tell you what man, if I got ten million dollars for a job, I don’t care if it’s putting out a record, selling tons of books, painting a picture, acting in a movie, whatever…that’s fucking it, man. I’m done. You won’t be seeing me again. I’m moving somewhere nice and I’m gonna kick it. No more fighting all these assholes to stay relevant. What’s relevant about being a multi millionaire? NOTHING! As SOON as you’re that rich, you’re no longer someone who easily relates to anything approaching real life.
Oh, sure, Deniro and Billy Joe Armstrong still do great work, and good for them. They’re talented. I’m not saying they shoudn’t work. I’m saying, imagine how hard it is for them to put aside the fact that they can’t even take a dump in the airport without someone poking their head under the stall door and asking for an autograph, putting aside that they have their own chefs in their homes, putting aside that it’s been so long since they even hung out in public anywhere without being harassed, and putting themselves into the mindset of making something that dirty plebes like us find to be relatable? That’s some nigh-impossible shit right there.
Fuck man, I barely remember what it’s like to not be married, and that was only five years ago. I barely remember what it’s like to not be a dad, and this little dude is only six months old. We’re talking about being so desperate that you completely deconstruct yourself just to somehow figure out how to make yet another album/film/statement, because all the accolades and accomplishments you have suddenly seem not that shiny, not that important. For fucks sakes! It’s been fifteen years since ‘Dookie’ came out! No fucking thanks. That’s too much work. Give me my millions, and I’ll be out of your way. Thanks.