Monday, October 27, 2008

Up next, the Octopus man!

Welcome to Monday. The longest possible time before you get work off again. This week I’m going to Florida. It’s going to be a gas. Interestingly, I farted right as I wrote the word ‘gas’ back there. It was a sublime moment that I’m sure doesn’t translate well to print, but just know that somewhere out there a man is smiling at the way the universe comes together sometimes, and sitting in the putrescent yellow fog of his farts.
I don’t have anything good to say this morning. I’m aggravated. I have band practice in a few minutes and we’re going to have to figure out how to get our stupid t shirts and shit down to stupid Florida. Yay!
My baby and I spent the weekend alone and it was fun. It was a little like Weekend at Bernies, with the baby playing Bernie. Not that he’s dead, but more because he just kind of sits there with a smug look on his face all the time, and if you want him to wave, you pretty much have to do it for him. I guess the metaphor really falls apart after that, except for that I’m pretty much the spitting image of what Andrew McCarthy and Johnathan Silverman’s baby would look like, just to take it all the way through the looking glass.

Last night these two old chicks came into the bar. They were pretty hot and they’d just been to the Madonna show and they were starving for wangs. The one girl came in, looked down the bar at the four guys sitting there and said “Hey! You boys want some Patron shots?!” It was great. More women need to be upfront like that. Dudes do that kind of crap all the time. It’s really not odd to think of, say, James Gandolfini coming into a bar and seeing four chicks sitting together and just buying them all shots. Ladies, the ball’s in your court now. You want the schlongs? Buy the next round.

Okay, so what’s really going on today? No…I don’t know. I’m just distracted. I was going to tell the story of this guy I used to play hockey with who sold mushrooms out of the locker room, but it just kind of fell flat as I was re-telling it to myself. Fuck, I pretty much just told you guys the whole thing right there, except for that one time, he mistakenly thought one of the members of Poison was a hot chick. Honest mistake, although, we still mocked his gayness. It was a hockey locker room, people.
Drug dealers in general are funny. I like the idea of a black market economy. It’s kind of the same reason that I like graffiti. Illegal art? How cool is that? Fuck, I should move to China. I hear all sorts of art is illegal there. Good one. Anyway, you know what I mean? There’s something great about a whole infrastructure of economy that operates in the shadows. That’s why people like ninjas right? They’re super organized and disciplined but it’s all shrouded in mystery. Okay, so I think, as per the laws of ninth grade geometry, I’ve proved the theorem that drug dealers=ninjas. Nice.
At the risk of sounding like I’m coked up or something (since I seem to be switching topics every two sentences) I’m gonna go ahead and throw this out there. Ninjas aren’t real. Man, does this ever piss people off. Mostly because they want ninjas to be real so fucking bad. I know, I know, I watch Sasuke as often as you do, and yes, there are some very compelling films out there. But seriously? Man, back in ancient times it had to be fucking EXPENSIVE to make a throwing star. I mean, they cost like nineteen bucks these days. There’s no way those fuckers just tossed those things out, never to be seen again while they hopped from roof to roof. The whole thing just doesn’t add up to me. All the vanishing and the masks and silence and all that. It’s cool, don’t get me wrong. But you’re telling me that people actually did that shit? Nope. Don’t buy it. ALSO, it seems a little odd to me that ninjas are kind of new in the west. I mean, my dad probably knew what a samurai was when he was a kid, but he sure as hell wasn’t playing ninja. That’s shit from my generation. Why’s that? The existence of ninjas only recently got declassified? All the Japanese people in the world kept ninjas under wraps until the seventies when they got together and decided “man, we’ve been keeping this ninja shit to ourselves for a while now. Those white people could probably make some pretty cool movies and toys and plastic crap. Let’s let ‘em in on it.” Okay, whatever. I don’t need to convince you people. They’re all a marketing scheme. That’s the end of it. Oh, look. You’re all pissed off and googling and shit. Seriously, it’s the best. I don’t know why that makes people so angry. Ninjas are fake! They’re like Santa and Jesus! They’re not real. They’re not real. Haahahahahahahaha. Nerds.
In Chicago, there’s this thing where you’re not supposed to put ketchup on a hotdog. The whole idea of ketchup on a hotdog is so frowned upon in Chicago, you’d be better off smearing bloody dog shit on your hotdog than ketchup. You’d get less snide comments and offended looks. Why is this? Who knows. I will say though, it’s probably in some small way connected to the same part of the brain that gets pissed about ninjas not existing. It all kind of seems the same to me. Yikes. Whatever. I’m out.


A l e x said...

"Thanks to the efforts of e-historian Dr. Brendan Kelly, it was revealed in the Fall of 2008 that ninjas, like, say, Battletoads, or the Marlboro-created Cowboys before them, were just an elaborate hoax concocted to sell toys to children. By that time, however, their silence, secrecy, and lethal accuracy in all forms of the martial arts had so entrenched them in the public consciousness that Kelly's findings were largely rejected by a world, who, like Cypher in the 1999 classic sci-fi action film The Matrix, preferred the bliss of ignorance to the cold, hard, gritty truth of real life. Well, that's all for tonight on the History Channel. Signing off, I'm Alex Manley. Good night, folks."

DoYouStillHateMe? said...

You once told me Patron taste like mouthwash. I think I said " I like mouthwash" as I drank mine and you shared yours with Chris.

Keri said...

seriously. i go to fucking clark street dog and ask for a hot dog with ketchup, mustard and onions and the guys usually need me to repeat because they simply can't deal with ketchup on a hot dog. it's delicious. and i will have one tonight.

planespotting said...

did the old broads that came in after the Madonna show have boobs that were fake, like Ninjas?

Bonus Cupped said...

You made it the whole way through that ninja section without mentioning the Ninja Turtles?! Even when you were talking about plastic shit!

It was the giant mutated green freakish white elephant in the room yet you resisted it, and for that I commend you.

P.S Don't Write said...

dude, Jesus is on myspace, that means he has to be real!


Anonymous said...

I used to go to McDonald's while my friends ordered things and get them waaaaaaaaaay too much ketchup in those little white cups...and, after a month (not daily, but a few times a week)- and I can't prove this was because of me - they changed to even more microscopic cups.

I have no real reason for doing this other than that everything is rip off...especially all the money they are rolling around in from their pop/soda/soda pop money.

Candice said...

umm so i've bought chris, neil and you- especially you- multiple drinks, multiple times. i even bought your wife a drink. and still no schlongs. wtf?!? i'm not even an old hag.

you guys owe me big. or small. whatever you've got.

Anonymous said...

This one time I was teaching feudal Japan and of course they wanted to learn about ninjas. They just about killed me when I said that ninjas were not real. I crushed a few souls that day.

Bill Shakespeare said...

I think you should do a post about Marilyn Manson. What are your thoughts on this man? I'm just interested to know what you think because I know it'll be funny no matter what. My girlfriend is obsessed with him but I can't stand him.

Troy said...

But the official Fest hotel is like $150 bucks a night. Seriously? My friend and I found like 2 different ones at $50 a night. Hey, maybe someone else here wants to bunk with 2 dudes to make things cheaper on this end. That's an invitation for gay sex, too.

Steven said...

I also thought Ninja Gaiden and Ninja Turtles are what got Ninja's to American children (though neither hold a candle to Daredevil and Sydney Pollack's "Yakuza").

And on a completely unrelated note, where is a good place to get Lawrence Arms shirts online? I had two from last time Lawrence Arms played Vegas (opening for Lagwagon) but they're kinda crummy now and I can only ever find the same design on places like Asian Man and Interpunk.

simmons said...

i heart ketchup.
Crazy Chicago kids anyway.

Dave Hofer said...

Yeah, dude. Like Steven said - it was all TMNT & Ninja Gaiden that hooked us 20- to 30-somethings up with ninjas.

I was the only person on the Milwaukee bus once, going to work, and when I pulled the cord to signal my stop, the driver was clearly startled, like she had forgotten I was there.

When I exited the bus, she told me that I was silent, like a ninja.

It was awesome.

sheila said...

first allow me start off by stating that i have been catching up on the BSC since my internet having been shut off in mid-october. and then i'd like to add that i was compelled to start reading your most recent post first and, uh...anticede...? backwards. i've no idea why. and i don't think anticede is a word, but it works for me. but getting on track, the point of this comment is that i'd like to kind of relate to your "sublime" gas moment. you see, when i got to the part where you wrote about ninjas not being real, hank venture began going off about ninjas on the tv that sits beside me. cosmic goings on, i suppose. or maybe the ninja is just so entrenched in our popular culture nowadays that the chances of this occurring are actually much more likely than i would have guessed.