Wednesday, October 1, 2008

You know how black guys talk like this, but white guys talk like this?

Last night I went to karaoke with my friend who’s in from out of town. I got there late, as I had a work meeting (which, by the way, took two and a half hours…what a bunch of bullshit. They DID have wine, which was good, but come on, man! The meeeting was about ninety percent for the waitresses, and then after they let everyone go, the bartenders got a little talking to for another twenty minutes. I don’t know how many times a person can roll their eyes and think ‘really? We’re still talking about this?’ but I must have come close to the maximum potential for a human being.) so I didn’t sing, and I missed my other buddy doing Wind of Change by the Scorpions, which is kind of a bummer. I was, however, treated to some of the crappiest dog-shit-mixed-with-sulphur renditions of some of the crappiest songs in the universe. This asian guy is doing kiss from a rose by Seal? Are you fucking serious? And he’s not even hitting the high note in the chorus. That’s the hook, Asian guy. That’s THE HOOK.
THEN the girl that runs the karaoke machine (too good looking for that job, but not really ‘good looking’. She just doesn’t look like the bemulleted fat asses in perpetually tinted glasses that usually run karaoke machines [or the slightly less popular, but still prevalent ponytailed Steven-Segal-picking-up-a- little-extra-scratch-after-the-dojo-closes karaoke guys]) sang that song by Nickelback. Uh, what’s it called? I don’t know. It’s the hit, though. “I been down, I been out to the bottom of every bottle” or something like that. Now, I, like you, thought that the dude in Nickelback had created the worst version of this song, or indeed any song, but I was wrong. This girl (and I honestly don’t believe that I’m about to type this) BUTCHERED a song by NICKLEBACK! How do you even do that? That’s like doing something that creeps out John Wayne Gacy. That’s like saying something that’s too racist for the head of the Klan to get behind. That’s like being so hopelessly out of touch with reality and your place in the world that your potential ascent into the white house makes George Bush look rational, well spoken, worldly and well informed by comparison. It’s nearly impossible. But it’s happening. It’s all happening. I just hope Barack wins and the Cubs win, that way, we’ll have World Series rings in Wrigley, a black dude in charge of America and when the frogs start falling from the sky and Sarah Palin says “Told you the rapture was a-comin!” we can say, You fucking evangelical dipshits should be kissing our Anti-American, anti god, anti family, anti living baby asses right now. Because now that all the crazy hippy abortionists voted for the brother and the NATIONAL LEAGUE CHAMPS the Chicago Cubs finally brought it home, you can meet your Jesus, and he can tell you, first hand how FUCKING BACKWARDS you are. um...
Okay, so anyhow, this bitch was terrible at karaoke. She kept on going too. And I was there with all these people I went to highschool with, but didn’t really know. Oh, I remember the Michod twins, but fuck if I can still tell them apart. There was the guy who looks like an ugly Pete Wentz (I know, how’s that possible? Wentz is beauty incarnate, right? It’s possible.) and some other guy. I went to a highschool that was kind of overrun by hippies…actually, that’s unfair. I went to highschool at a TIME overrun by hippies. The most pathetic, lame hippies that the world has ever seen.
Man! Those tough, socially pyrotechnic early nineties! Thank god there were faux hippies (and their bullshit BULLSHIT music-remember phish? Remember the Black Crowes, the Counting Crows, the Spin Doctors. Oh, man. I’m getting red just writing this. Listen, if you’re one of those people who likes one of these bands, that’s fine. Really. Just know, you have terrible taste. There is no debate on this point. [and don’t give me the bullshit ‘oh, the counting crows don’t belong with those other bands.” Wrong. They do. They suck. Terribly. That bullshit pastiche-y visual art by way of vague lyrics about mystical vagabonds schtick is tired. If you can’t see that dildo for the hack he is, you know what? You deserve your favorite band the Counting Crows. Go ahead, take em. Sheesh. Anyway…]) fighting the power while America enjoyed relative prosperity and a decent global reputation. God. I played with a hackey sack. It sickens me. It’s like saying I used to watch the girls gym class shower or something. It just feels dirty now.
So, these people from my highschool, I think they still kind of looked like hippies. One of them was in red sweatpants for sure. I don’t know. I bet they all have more money than I do. Dumb hippies.
Uh, long story short, I had two high lifes and went home. Big night. Today, I have to write a skit for my class. I’m thinking either a NAMBLA meeting or a chronic masturbator’s anonymous meeting where every time someone starts talking (“this girl on the bus, whenever I smell her hair, I just…”) everyone in the meeting starts beating off. You know, cuz they’re all chronic masturbators. No good huh? Okay, back to the lab. XOxo

30 comments:

These Seans said...

the ending was laugh out loud at work worthy.

sassy said...

so lets say a gal masturbates at least 3 times a day....does that make her a chronic masurbater or just really really really horny?

John said...

I'm still not sure I understand how one makes a song by Nickelback worse. It... it just doesn't make any sense.

But, neither does their continued success.

Jorubo said...

Seal
Nickelback
Asian Guy
Counting Crows
Pete Wentz
Miller High Life
Chronic Masterbating

Well, looks like you covered it all.

AlexCanteen said...

What qualifies as chronic? If you ask this question, you probably know the answer...

Candice said...

3x a day sounds like another sunday afternoon to me.

Josh said...

I was trying to convince my friend how TLA was better than this other band he was trying to convince me was the best. And he goes on to say that TLA lyrics are vague and just a bunch of words put together haha. Your CC rant reminded me of that. My friend also has a Larry Arms tattoo and I don't.

I also don't think you should have to compromise. Couldn't you have it be some kind of NAMBLA chronic masturbaters meeting? Or maybe just a nervous/paranoid internal dialogue of a NAMBLA member who secretly jacks off under the table during speeches? The punchline could be he also does it behind the podium. I'd laugh.

Sam Tie Blogger said...

I've agreed with most of the things that you have written in this blog, and I genuniely enjoy reading it, but there is one thing I just have to say...

High Life is terrible! Sure, its cheap, and kind of hip at the same time(not that it matters) but how can people drink this shit?? It tastes like someone drained the sweat from an NFL teams jockstraps and socks and bottled it! Everyone that I know that drinks that shit tells me; "well, its cheap".. So are the hookers on Vine St in Cincinnati, but that doesnt make it a good idea!

STOP DRINKING HIGH LIFE!

Capt Murdock said...

August and Everything After is one of the best albums to come out of the 90's. Much like Dylan, they lost their way once they went "electric" and had some commercial success. I think they found a winning formula and beat it to death but that doesn't negate the brilliance of their first album.

Capt Murdock said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
KyleLM said...

Wow. I laughed the entire time of this one. Holy shit. hahaha.

lostandclowned said...

but the crows really don't belong in that category.

John Barrett said...

Phish is getting back together now, and I believe it's because you mentioned them. So, you know, thanks, jerk.

sarah spills said...

I'm going to have to disagree with the gentleman who is claiming that High Life is terrible. It's the champagne of goddamn beers, my friend. All of the domestic light beers that any white hat dude would typically order, Bud Light, Rolling Rock, etc. pale (literally) in comparison to a cold High Life. The others taste like water, or piss...I guess I'll go with piss water. If I don't have the money for something bourgeois, and I usually don't, it's what I'm going to get. P.S. - I thought PBR was the hip beer? Another fantastic blog, Brendan.

Eric said...

Does anyone else watch the Sarah Silverman Program? There's an episode where Brian Posehn's homosexual partner discovers that Brian only pretends to be listening to metal. In reality, the only song on his iPod is "Two Princes" by the Spin Doctors.

Also...are ALL the female readers of this blog going for the daily hat trick?

A l e x said...

I've come to the conclusion that, while entertaining me greatly, this blog also depresses me mildly, because it hammers home the point that Brendan gets to be a "famous rock star" not because of his stunning good looks or industry connections, but basically because he is smarter, cooler, funnier, and generally more talented (and thus deserving of the proverbial 'good life') than I am.

Them's the breaks, I guess.

Suzanne said...

Eric, clearly the only reason we read this is to get our early morning jerk on.. so to speak..

To go with the coffee and the dump.

SauliosBJ123 said...

Not to be a contrary dick, but: if they like one of those shitty bands (and I agree they are shitty), but they are reading this blog...they probably like your band too and, as a result, have excellent taste in music (except for the shitty bands they like, so "mediocre taste").

bk said...

You need to write more songs about mystical vagabonds.

Sam Tie Blogger said...

Sarah,

Some people may really like High Life! However, saying its the champaign of beers is like saying Budweiser is the King of Beers, and, well, it aint!

Maybe High Life isnt hip anywhere else, Cincinnati is really behind the freakin times!

Aaron said...

This is wildly entertaining, not as entertaining as your music, but close.

jack said...

1. budweiser is the king of beers 2. brenden you forgot crash test dummies on your list and 3. your blog is the only joy i have right now, and im on paid vacation. so either im truly that lame and depressed(possible)or you are that great, im rooting for the latter.

LaurenSmash said...

haha skit sounds good. very chuck palahniuk. I think he would really get behind it. He said that he invites his friends over to hang out and play games and then gets them to talk about situations. What would you do if this happened? what about this etc. He said in those game nights he gets enough info for whole books. You should ask your silly friends, about stuff, they could probably inspire some super funny/awesome skits.

Hunter said...

Wow you get a shitload of comments.

Jack Black once sung kissed by a rose on American Idol. It was pretty fucking hilarious.

SauliosBJ123 said...

hunter,

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dyL1cE4omic

in HD too.

Max said...

Enjoyed the post, but have to disagree with you: that Nickelback song doesn't suck. The band might (I'm not too familiar with them) but the song is decent. It's no GL/GE but it's a nice syrupy hum.

Max said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Tony said...

max, you are wrong. oh lord, how you are wrong

Adam said...

I read this after the Cubs lost game 1. I am overcome with morose dejection.

Eddie said...

GO PHILS. 2008 NL Champions. I'm calling Phillies in 4 over the Brew crew, Cubs in 5 over Dodgers, and then the Phils in 6 over the Cubs...