Hey hey! Thanks for coming out to the Subterranean, for those of you who did. Good times. I’m a little exhausted, so I’m keeping this short. It’s Monday, and my boy has to go get some shots today. You wouldn’t think that a baby would have the “dude, seriously?’ look so dialed in, but after he behaves for one or two shots, that third one produces the ‘dude, seriously?’ look so amazingly that I’ve come to believe that we (humans) are genetically coded to be disappointed in others. There’s no other explanation.
On Monday, the baby is in daycare, and I’m home alone. It’s like a little field trip that I take, back to a simpler time, when I had no job and no baby and I just kind of fucked around all day. It’s eleven and I’m only wearing shorts. I don’t even believe that every day used to be this easy. I had it fucking made! What the fuck, man? I mean, I’m currently tired, but fuck, this is about as close to being asleep as you can get and still do something that passes as productive. Oh, I wrote in my blog today, that’s something. It wasn’t a total waste! Hmmm…
I should have slept more, but I have a crazy CRAZY problem sleeping. If I wake up, I have to get up, no matter how tired/hungover/sick I am. I feel insane amounts of guilt when I lay in bed. It’s not logical at all, and right now I’m not really doing anything, except wishing I’d slept more, but it doesn’t matter. I’m up, so that’s how I’ll stay. Awake.
I fell into a microphone last night and hurt my back, so I can’t even exercise or anything. It’s nothing serious, mom. Jesus, relax.
Moms…they just call and call, right? And then, you give em an inch and they take a mile. I swear, the guy who constructed this maxim was talking about moms. Just answer the phone once, because you know, you’re feeling guilty that your poor old mom keeps calling and calling, and then BOOM she’s right into the story about the daughter of the neighbors that you don’t even know and how her husband is thinking about switching jobs and maybe they’ll have to move to Kansas City and it’s like FUCK MAN! I don’t think it would be humanly possible to find a story out there that I care about less…But here’s the thing, she’s your mom. She was wiping your ass and picking your nose when you were the most insufferable little shit on the earth. She still thinks you’re cool, even when you’ve most obviously turned out to be nothing of the sort. AND (and this is the ultimate dick punch) now, I’m a parent and so I feel this renewed sense of empathy to my parents and this already sickening clinginess to my child. OF COURSE I’m gonna call and blab about crap. My life is done. I’m nothing more than a conduit through which the best possible life for this little guy flows. I don’t have time to do worthwhile shit that would make a good story. I’m busy being a dad. AND once it finally gets to that point where he’s off on his own and I’m no longer taking up all my time with making sure he doesn’t become a pervert/asshole/religious nutjob/guido/swishy fashion hipster/condescending prick/fat guy/creep/date rapist/hick/elitist/buffoon/racist/overly nice guy/pussy/judgmental douchebag, I’m going to have been out of the loop for so long that I’m not gonna be able to go out and get into good trouble if I want to. Fuck, so the neighbor’s kid did what now? Her husband’s going where? Hmmm… That’s all our futures, get used to it.
Yeah, okay. I’m going to lunch. I gotta find some pants.