Friday, October 3, 2008

Say it ain't so Joe! There you go...

Okay, hi. How bout that feisty little thing from up north, eh? She really winked and ‘aw shucks’ed her way right into my heart last night. Don’t know about you guys, but I’m ready for the rapture. Of course, as we’ve already discussed, that would require Obama getting elected, as I believe one of the seven plagues is a black guy over all of us all the time or something like that (black sky? Nope. Pretty sure it’s black guy. And Obama is half that, so that kind of works. But if, as is my suspicion, he pardons OJ and puts him in the cabinet, well, that’s a black guy, right? I mean, am I right?) but THEN, Jesus, prick that he is, is most likely gonna be so mad that we didn’t vote his holy warriors into office that he’s gonna freak out and probably throw a tantrum and ruin the whole rapture. The spoiled kids of powerful people, man…There’s no reasoning with them. It’s a real catch 666 for us righteous ones. Vote in the antichrist and get the rapture and eternal bliss now! Today! OR vote in the old Lego man and his perky yet untrained lapdog and deal with this bullshit for another few years. Fuck. It almost makes me not want to be stupid anymore. Almost.
I hated work yesterday and it made me sick. When I got home the baby was already asleep. The cubs lost. The guy with the sideways eyes seemed to win the debate pretty handily over the decent looking version of Roseanne at her craziest. I fell asleep at ten. I’m really living the dream over here, everyone. Livin the dream.
Speaking of dreams, I had a dream that I was running for president or at least some sort of important office and for some reason the way I listed off the ingredients in a good bloody mary (Guinness, Absolut Pepar, horseradish, A1, Worchester, tobasco, pepper, celery salt, red pepper (like the flakes you put on pizza) a little bit of a different, much more flavorful Louisiana hot sauce like Cajun Chef or Crystal, and of course, some mix…mrs. T’s works great, but just plain tomato juice works in a pinch too.) was the key factor in if I’d be elected. Pretty interesting, right? I did this to prove a point. Listening to someone else’s dreams (nocturnal thoughts, not hopes for the future) is NEVER interesting. Telling someone else about your dream might be fun for you, but whoever you’re talking to is not paying attention unless the dream involves you fucking them senseless or killing them, and these dreams are almost always better left untold.
So you just had a dream that you were hanging out with Julius Ceaser, but it wasn’t actually him, it was actually Mr. Johaness from biology…Oh, that’s right, you had a different bio teacher, well anyway we were rowing in like a hallway, but it wasn’t really a boat, it was like a dish, like a huge dog dish and he says….See? It sucks. So, in the same way that George Costanza got us all to think twice about double dipping chips, I’d like to take this opportunity to throw out a new suggestion for improving society. Shut up about your dreams.
My mom is taking her grandson for the evening, which means that we’ve got a real opportunity tonight to go out and get loose. Drink beers, hire transsexual prostitutes to slap us around, pay the homeless to suck each other off, blow lines off boners down at Sidetracks (a gay mecca, for those of you not from Chicago, and also a really nice bar. If you’re not a total pansy (wait, that kind of came out wrong…if you ARE a total pansy, or you’re just not the kind of insecure nutsack that gets creeped out around gay people), you should check it out. It, like everything gay in the Midwest is located on Halstead. Anyway, yeah, we COULD do that stuff, but I don’t know if it’s in the cards. I have a big rock show next week…a week from today in fact. My band is playing at the HOB Chicago. It’s one of the only shows we’re doing all year. In fact, it will have been 364 days since we last played our hometown. I’d really like the show to do well, so tell your friends to go. I promise a little Bad Sandwich Live between tunes.
Oh, and that leads me to my final point for the day. If you, like so many thousands of rabid BSC readers out there would love a bound edition of my dickjokes, stories about creepy friends of mine, and ill informed political commentary, well, fuck, start telling your friends to come here and read this shit. I will need web traffic to thrive, and as such, I can’t do it alone. I know, this is free already and there’s no need to take it to the next level, but um…I don’t do updates on the weekends, right? So you could read a book on the weekends. I’m just saying, if you’ve chuckled at the story about the poor girl getting the abortion or brought the word assmask into your everyday lexicon, give back. I’m like PBS and this is the telethon. Or you could just all start sending me money/nude pics. Either way works for me. Okay fuckos, off to the mines. See you in the funny papers.

17 comments:

John said...

Stoked for next weekend. It'll be my first time seeing you guys, and along with all the killer bands on Sunday, it'll be an awesome time. Worth the trip from Mass.

A l e x said...

Ugh. That was such a depressing debate. I passed on watching the Canadian party leaders' debate because... well, Canadian politics is less exciting. Plus, I already know who I'm voting for (Green). That said, it's really, really sad when the more left wing of the two candidates says straight up that he doesn't support gay marriage, or when he comments on Palin's use of the word "maverick" by challenging how much of a supposed "maverick" McCain really is rather than pointing out how dumb and jingoistic it is. Also: since when are soccer moms good barometers of the economy? Goddamn.

Capt Murdock said...

Alex-
I am a huge supporter of the Green party but did you see this?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6nc-DouFzYM

Wow! It makes me feel crazy for being registered Green.

Keri said...

why vote green? i mean, i could understand if the green candidate was a major candidate and actually had enough verbal support to actually stand a chance at winning. so vote democrat instead because i'm pretty sure most registered greens would rather see obama in office than mccain.

Candice said...

speaking of next weeks show...i have two tickets and i can't make it because my school fucking blows. i'll be there the following weekend for the falcon/sundowner but i'm looking to get rid of these two so if anyone needs them i'll give you a good deal. or a beej if you pay full price. whatever works.

amanda said...

Coming from CA for the show next weekend!

A l e x said...

I'm Canadian, y'all. Different Green Parties, different electoral systems, the whole shebang. Here, voting for a party that's not one of the two major ones actually does make sense. It's so... logical. Strange, huh.

Andrew said...

I think that guy meant that he's voting for some canadian guy named green.
There isn't even a green party candidate on the ballot.

i'll take the tix and the bj. I don't even know what show he's talking about. is that riot fest?

Some Young Guy said...

candice, i'll take yer tix and a beej. or just the tix, whatever. seriously though.

Candice said...

send me an email if you want the tickets. send a pic if you want the beej.

candicenbarra@gmail.com

no stalkers please.

zamboody said...

So slapstick was suppose to play a show with my band a long long time ago. You guy sbroke up but then we got to play with the bollweevils(another great band). then they broke up a day later. the following weak we played with urban dk. then they broke up. So im offering my services to form a band again to play with nickelback. than hopefully all will be at peace. unless chumbawamba is back together, then i would play with those douches instead.

Andrew said...

i hear new kids on the block is back together. hook that shit up.

AlexCanteen said...

BSC- the place to trade tix and beejs
anyone want a z-job and a pair to Celine Dion?

Mikey said...

not a person named green. it's the green party. the leader's name is elizabeth may.

and there's still no point voting anything but liberal or conservative. i wish there was, i love may, but... bleh:(

i'm scared. harper, as fucking evil as bush, is going to get a majority...

Suzanne said...

Bren, you want naked pics, you gotta give them up to your loyal readers.. Give to get back, that's all I'm sayin

Candice said...

suzanne's got the right idea. tit for tat my friend.

Troy said...

Last night I had a dream where I encountered Soulja Boi and it ended with us doing a car chase knife fight. It was awesome.