Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Got any change bro?

Dudes, dudettes! This is the big day, huh? USA! USA! Well, maybe. I mean, so far shit seems cool, right? There are huge lines outside all the libraries for a change and, well, once they evacuate every building with an eyeline to Grant Park, a million of the black guy’s closest pals are going to descend on downtown Chicago (a million? Jesus fucking louise!) for what’s either going to be the best party or the ugliest riot that we’ve seen around here for a while.
I’m staying in. I think this is a good move for me pretty much forever. I like staying in. I pretty much need to go out once a month to realize how great staying in is. I think, if tonight the old Frankenstein’s monster and the crazy hick lady win, and the black guy’s victory party turns into a gigantic festival of destruction that somehow winds all the way to my neighborhood and I end up dying in a pyre of enraged flames, I don’t think my last thoughts are going to be “man, I wish I had spent more time going out and getting beers”.
I think that’s pretty much been covered.
I voted last week. My friend just told me that it took her 2 hours when she went this morning at six fifteen. That’s pretty wild, huh? I was watching that androgynous smug woman on MSNBC last night, and she played a clip of some Reagan administration dude talking about how the Republicans always stand to gain from low voter turnout. Presumably, because people who vote republican tend to always get out there, but the democrats (which is really slang for a loose confederation of sovereign groups following unrelated ideologies that all in some way don’t fit under the Republican umbrella, kind of like how the Bloods were really just a confederation that developed in response to the Crips in LA) kind of need specific issues to be on the table to get out in force. Yeah, so big lines, good for the black guy, bad for the old man. Heh. That’s kind of funny, if you recapitulate that last sentence as a drug reference. Anyway.
SO, what’s the point? I don’t know, but I’m feeling pretty good about this day. I was talking about the myth of Republican small government last night with my wife, and I was saying (not that I’m revolutionary in this thinking or anything) that in the last 8 years, these fucking people have created a whole new department in the government, passed a gigantic sweeping pack of laws (an ‘act’ if you will) that lets the government enter our homes, our computers our phones, they’ve spent billions of dollars, everyone still pays insane taxes. There’s no small federal government under a republican regime. The only reason they toe that line is because they were never really in control of everything at the same time before. That’s like being straight edge until you’re twenty one. Dick Cheney is essentially Brian Baker recapitulated. Okay, but for the record, Brian Baker is amazing, Dick Cheney, he’s only pretty great.
Yeah, so it’s election day and if you’re just joining us, we’ve been rapping about politics from a barely informed, highly specious, theoretical level here at BSC. We’re gonna have some people over to watch the results come in and I’m in charge of election night foods. Here are some ideas I have so far. (I’m leaving out things that obviously pander to stupid ‘old guy, black guy’ jokes such as Metamucil or watermelon for a few reasons. First, that’s fucked up, questionable in terms of you know, general decency, and just too easy. Also, I had watermelon and Metamucil for breakfast, so I don’t want to do it again tonight.) Here we go:

Wings-both hot and barbecue, representing left and right wing policies respectively. Barbecue seems to be mostly the product of red states (and they’re so fucking good at it, btw…Oh, man, go to Stubbs in Austin and get the hot link sandwich or the ribs….FUCK!) meanwhile hot wings were born in the blue state situated city of Buffalo. Pretty clever, eh?

Pizza- If it’s half pepperoni and half blue cheese, then it’s red and blue, like the election map and it’s already cut into pieces, just like our great country. Plus, I’ve never had blue cheese on pizza, and while part of me thinks it sounds gross, part of me thinks it sounds great. Which is kind of how I feel about you know, hanging out with Sara Palin’s family. I bet those hicks know how to party, but I bet they’re into some fucked up shit. Especially Track. Don’t ask me why I think so, I just do.

Some sort of game meat- I mean obviously. Shot from a helicopter if possible.

Fondue- Representing the great melting pot of America. Dipping pieces of meat and fruit into a cascading fountain of…who am I kidding? I don’t want to clean a fondue fountain. Next.

Cheese Steaks- Pennsylvania is a big deal in this election people, and I don’t want to eat scrapple (look it up, westerners).

Nachos- Representing the ever increasingly important Latino vote. Easy to share, too.

A plate of sausages and clams- This is to show support for the votes about gay marriage which is a big deal in this election, in California, Florida, and maybe Arizona(?). Just let people get married already. And don’t give me that bullshit about it opening the door for people to marry goats and all that shit. No one wants to marry a goat. Haven’t you heard the expression ‘why buy the goat when you can get the milk for free?’ I’m pretty sure that’s relevant somehow.

Falafel and hummus- Because, you know, Barack is a terrorist and a muslim. Oh, wait. That’s fucked up on at least 3 counts, huh? Aye aye aye.

And finally, Wild Turkey, because if the old man wins, I’m going to need a shot or two, and if the black guy wins, I’m gonna want one. Yup.

Get out there and vote please. It’s seriously the least you can do.
xoxo

21 comments:

A l e x said...

Meanwhile, Canada waits anxiously, hoping against hope that everyone votes for Obama and we don't have to deal with McCain ever, ever.

Capt Murdock said...

During the 2000 election we served pulled pork sandwiches on election night and my buddy passed out holding one. When I woke up in the morning the thing was all over his pants and it looked like he had engaged in the physical act of love with this thing.

I should of known then that it would be a metaphor for the next 8 years.

xNARCOPLETICx said...

Arizona is voting about adding the definition of marriage to the state constitution.

I waited 2 hours to vote as well...fuck that. Early voting '12!

Sam Tie Blogger said...

Republicans only use the term small government when it comes to social issues. They dont want the government helping anyone, just killing ragheads to keep us "safe". At the same time, the Democrats have done nothing but sit back and watch. Look at Al Gore! Hes captain fucking activist now, but he wasnt when he was telling people to shut the fuck up and love their new president Bush!

Nancy Pelosi is the first woman speaker, as a Democrat she gets in there and bends until she damned near breaks.

Sure, I really hope that Obama wins over McCain, but to think that he is going to miraculously change all of this countries problems with a catch phrase and youthful vibrance is ignorant to say the least.

If he wins, great, I hope he is held acountable for the things that he has promised. I hope he is able to do so.

P.S Don't Write said...

My university is having an all night event for this, with debates every hour. From midnight until 7am. And I have a class at 9am tomorrow morning.


YAY FOR NO SLEEP EVER.

SauliosBJ123 said...

I think 2pac is going to jinx this election. You see, I've been listening to his music again a lot recently in the past month and I keep hearing a song that has the line "and even though it seems heaven sent, we ain't ready for a black president" and, as we all know, 2pac is like a witch or something and is kind of like Nostradamus. Damn you, Tupac!

LittleJonnyHormone said...

I fucking love the Brian Baker reference. I'm surprised no one else has said anything. Genius!

Bonus Cupped said...

falafel and hummus are Israeli aren't they, in which case your waaaaay off.

Sam Tie Blogger said...

No, falafel and hummus are basic mediterrainian foods, not specific to Israel. Ive never heard that before in my life.

lostandclowned said...

Who needs DC when we've got D4?

DoYouStillHateMe? said...

That's a pretty good menu you got there. You still need a dessert. Maybe a Devils Food Cake for the old man and...hmmm, a Bean Pie for the other guy?


So, you guys need to come to California with NOFX in February and bring D4 and Dead To Me.
Make it happen!

DoYouStillHateMe? said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Andrew said...

I really think they need to broadcast BSC live somewhere between the daily show and colbert report. That shit would be great.

Jason said...

If you’re looking for some more John McCain themed food, you can always check out this link for some inspiration....

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vietnamese_cuisine

J✫sh said...

Way to leave Gainesville early and not play the warehouse show.

Kyle Krische said...

It's sad that people here in Canada know more about the American election then they did about our federal election about a month ago.

Sickie27 said...

My first time voting today, I only waited in line for an hour, and half of it was just waiting for the polls to open. I got lots of dirty/questioning looks from all the old tarts and got the, "You look like you're 12" comment.

I think the people who had the ability to vote but didn't this year are pretty much kinda dumb.

I should have written you in for Senator! I can dig it.

Joe Costa said...

I would say that you should run for Obama's soon to be vacant senate seat, but I'm pretty sure that assure that I never saw your band again.

Thanks for this weekend, you guys made it for me.

T.NERB said...

the other day i was driving in la and i saw a bum holding a sign that said "obama aint the only one asking for change". i almost crashed it was so good. if i were not driving i for sure would have hooked him up.

Tokkie said...

blue chees on pizza is actually pretty good, just gets a bit too salty for me after a while. how did it work out for ya?

brett said...

androgynous smug woman. fucking classic.