Which one are you? I'm Stephen.

Okay, so I was all geared up to write something this morning. I had a specific topic when I woke up, which currently escapes me. It probably had something to do with going to work, as I’m doing that in just a few minutes, but whatever. It wasn’t gonna be that interesting, at least not anything innovative for this particular corner of the internet. Again, whatever. So I took my kid to daycare (where I have the distinct feeling that a lot of, not all, but a lot of the girls who work there [college girls in sweatsuits] are perpetually hung over cockhounds….I could be wrong, I’ve been wrong before. This is just my impression, and they all seem real good with kids, so I don’t care. This is pure empirical observation, people. Their personal lives, besides being fodder for me to speculate about publicly, are really none of my business, and I’m not judging, unless you count ‘cockhound’ as a term of judgment, in which case I just feel bad for you, but as usual, I digress…) and when I was driving home, I was listening to Howard Stern interviewing Michael Lohan and Stephen Baldwin. Now, this is what erased my mind. Do you know what these two guys have in common (besides both being insanely jealous of Alec Baldwin and wanting to fuck Lindsay Lohan)? That’s right everyone! JC! They’re both Christians. AND they said some prayers, talked about their charity work (some dumb quasi celebrity boxing match) their mission work (going to brothels in Thailand and getting kids out of there [which is commendable. Once, I was in a mountain town with my in laws and our waiter was this guy who was just gross. I couldn’t put my finger on it, but besides his comb over, brown teeth, sloppy disgusting Jabba-body and creepy elocution, there was an eeeew factor just dripping, oozing out of this guy. THEN he volunteered the information that he had just gotten back from a solo trip to Thailand. Now, gents, here’s a little word to the wise. Are you going to Thailand by yourself? Okay, now if you answered yes, please carefully look over the following questions: Is it on business? Are you some sort of Martial Artist or aspiring chef? Is there ANY good reason {besides some bullshit, like ‘oh, I just love the architecture’ which is the reason that this guy gave} for you to be going so far all by yourself? Okay, now I’m not saying that every guy who goes on a solo vacation to Thailand is exclusively interested in pumping kids, trannies, goats in coconut bikinis, what have you…I’m just saying that everyone is going to THINK that’s what you’re doing, so just be aware of that while planning your trip. So, long story short, the waiter seemed even creepier after that. Okay.]) And then, Stephen and Michael tried to get Howard to convert his show to a Christian show, promising 15 million more listeners.
Well, this whole thing struck me as odd. Nah, that’s not exactly right. It just seemed like proof. “Huh?” you ask. Well, at the risk of going off on yet another tangent, have you ever seen that “Way of the Master” shit with Kirk Cameron where he points to a banana and calls it every atheists nightmare and then he goes through all this bullshit with the banana to prove that evolution is a farce, and that God is hooking shit up right here, right now? (Bear in mind, he’s one of those guys who thinks dinosaurs and humans walked the earth together, so we’re dealing with a complete fucking mongoloid) He says shit like “it’s got a protective seal and a pop top and it fits right in your hand! Thanks God!” Of course, this is ignoring the fact that the modern banana is completely engineered by human controlled artificial selection, not to mention all sorts of pesticides and shit like that, but whatever, he’s a mongo, like I said. Anyway, if the banana, according to Kirk, is proof of god, I’d like to argue that this appearance by Michael Lohan and Stephen Baldwin is the counter argument. Proof that there is no god. It’s hard to disprove something. That’s the greatest problem in science. It’s nigh impossible. However, sometimes shit comes together and you kind of look at all the data and say to yourself ‘woah, there’s no god.’
This isn’t gonna be long and drawn out, it’s pretty simple. Howard Stern’s show is probably the biggest show in the history of radio, right? I mean, he’s for sure the only A list celebrity to ever come out of the medium. Now, you’re telling me that God got some time on the Stern show to talk Jesus with millions of people – Heathen people, mind you- and he sent fucking MICHAEL LOHAN and STEPHEN BALDWIN???!??!?!?!?! Sorry, don’t buy it for a second. These two cock farmers couldn’t get cast in a direct to DVD tampon commercial; there’s no way that they’re the two members of the flock chosen by god to go on the stern show. AND, lest you think that God’s too busy doing other things, first of all, they (Mike and Steve) talked to him on the air, and it sounded, from what they were saying, like he heard them, and secondly he’s really not doing shit anywhere else. Didn’t we talk about this before? There are kids sucking gross waiter penises in Thailand, and kids eating dirt in Africa and kids in my very town who have to shit into grocery bags because they have no toilets. God’s not doing shit, and yet these representatives of god (not just Mikey and Stevie, mind you, but they’re on my list today), these unbelievable fucks have the nerve to tell these people “it’s cool, you’ll get yours in heaven.” Easy for you to say, Jerry Falwell, Stephen Baldwin, Ted Haggard, George Bush, any number of self righteous millionare douchebags who use people’s own hopeless ignorance against them. YOU SLEEP IN A HEATED HOUSE AT NIGHT!!! “You’ll get yours in heaven.” What an unbelievable pile of bullshit. That’s how I’m gonna start paying my bills. “Hey, yeah, I saw I owe a hundred fifty six bucks for cable, but how bout you just wait til we get to heaven and I’ll get you back then. Hey, fuck it, I’ll double it. How can you afford NOT to wait until we get to heaven?”
Well, there you go. Jesus has ruined my day again. Thanks Jesus. It’s funny, Cisco Adler (the guy with the huge, droopy ballsack) has a really powerful dad, and though he doesn’t really do much, he has this magnetic energy that makes people compulsively watch everything he does and really celebrate him as something special, even though he’s essentially just a long-haired douchebag with a powerful dad and nothing else really going on. Sound familiar, Jesus? Mmm hmmm.
I got drinks to pour. Bye.

(Oh, and just by the way, have you guys seen that M&M's commercial where Stephen Baldwin gets handily out-acted by a CGI M&M? Pretty good work there. Pretty, pretty good.)