Thursday, November 13, 2008

Which one are you? I'm Stephen.

Okay, so I was all geared up to write something this morning. I had a specific topic when I woke up, which currently escapes me. It probably had something to do with going to work, as I’m doing that in just a few minutes, but whatever. It wasn’t gonna be that interesting, at least not anything innovative for this particular corner of the internet. Again, whatever. So I took my kid to daycare (where I have the distinct feeling that a lot of, not all, but a lot of the girls who work there [college girls in sweatsuits] are perpetually hung over cockhounds….I could be wrong, I’ve been wrong before. This is just my impression, and they all seem real good with kids, so I don’t care. This is pure empirical observation, people. Their personal lives, besides being fodder for me to speculate about publicly, are really none of my business, and I’m not judging, unless you count ‘cockhound’ as a term of judgment, in which case I just feel bad for you, but as usual, I digress…) and when I was driving home, I was listening to Howard Stern interviewing Michael Lohan and Stephen Baldwin. Now, this is what erased my mind. Do you know what these two guys have in common (besides both being insanely jealous of Alec Baldwin and wanting to fuck Lindsay Lohan)? That’s right everyone! JC! They’re both Christians. AND they said some prayers, talked about their charity work (some dumb quasi celebrity boxing match) their mission work (going to brothels in Thailand and getting kids out of there [which is commendable. Once, I was in a mountain town with my in laws and our waiter was this guy who was just gross. I couldn’t put my finger on it, but besides his comb over, brown teeth, sloppy disgusting Jabba-body and creepy elocution, there was an eeeew factor just dripping, oozing out of this guy. THEN he volunteered the information that he had just gotten back from a solo trip to Thailand. Now, gents, here’s a little word to the wise. Are you going to Thailand by yourself? Okay, now if you answered yes, please carefully look over the following questions: Is it on business? Are you some sort of Martial Artist or aspiring chef? Is there ANY good reason {besides some bullshit, like ‘oh, I just love the architecture’ which is the reason that this guy gave} for you to be going so far all by yourself? Okay, now I’m not saying that every guy who goes on a solo vacation to Thailand is exclusively interested in pumping kids, trannies, goats in coconut bikinis, what have you…I’m just saying that everyone is going to THINK that’s what you’re doing, so just be aware of that while planning your trip. So, long story short, the waiter seemed even creepier after that. Okay.]) And then, Stephen and Michael tried to get Howard to convert his show to a Christian show, promising 15 million more listeners.
Well, this whole thing struck me as odd. Nah, that’s not exactly right. It just seemed like proof. “Huh?” you ask. Well, at the risk of going off on yet another tangent, have you ever seen that “Way of the Master” shit with Kirk Cameron where he points to a banana and calls it every atheists nightmare and then he goes through all this bullshit with the banana to prove that evolution is a farce, and that God is hooking shit up right here, right now? (Bear in mind, he’s one of those guys who thinks dinosaurs and humans walked the earth together, so we’re dealing with a complete fucking mongoloid) He says shit like “it’s got a protective seal and a pop top and it fits right in your hand! Thanks God!” Of course, this is ignoring the fact that the modern banana is completely engineered by human controlled artificial selection, not to mention all sorts of pesticides and shit like that, but whatever, he’s a mongo, like I said. Anyway, if the banana, according to Kirk, is proof of god, I’d like to argue that this appearance by Michael Lohan and Stephen Baldwin is the counter argument. Proof that there is no god. It’s hard to disprove something. That’s the greatest problem in science. It’s nigh impossible. However, sometimes shit comes together and you kind of look at all the data and say to yourself ‘woah, there’s no god.’
This isn’t gonna be long and drawn out, it’s pretty simple. Howard Stern’s show is probably the biggest show in the history of radio, right? I mean, he’s for sure the only A list celebrity to ever come out of the medium. Now, you’re telling me that God got some time on the Stern show to talk Jesus with millions of people – Heathen people, mind you- and he sent fucking MICHAEL LOHAN and STEPHEN BALDWIN???!??!?!?!?! Sorry, don’t buy it for a second. These two cock farmers couldn’t get cast in a direct to DVD tampon commercial; there’s no way that they’re the two members of the flock chosen by god to go on the stern show. AND, lest you think that God’s too busy doing other things, first of all, they (Mike and Steve) talked to him on the air, and it sounded, from what they were saying, like he heard them, and secondly he’s really not doing shit anywhere else. Didn’t we talk about this before? There are kids sucking gross waiter penises in Thailand, and kids eating dirt in Africa and kids in my very town who have to shit into grocery bags because they have no toilets. God’s not doing shit, and yet these representatives of god (not just Mikey and Stevie, mind you, but they’re on my list today), these unbelievable fucks have the nerve to tell these people “it’s cool, you’ll get yours in heaven.” Easy for you to say, Jerry Falwell, Stephen Baldwin, Ted Haggard, George Bush, any number of self righteous millionare douchebags who use people’s own hopeless ignorance against them. YOU SLEEP IN A HEATED HOUSE AT NIGHT!!! “You’ll get yours in heaven.” What an unbelievable pile of bullshit. That’s how I’m gonna start paying my bills. “Hey, yeah, I saw I owe a hundred fifty six bucks for cable, but how bout you just wait til we get to heaven and I’ll get you back then. Hey, fuck it, I’ll double it. How can you afford NOT to wait until we get to heaven?”
Well, there you go. Jesus has ruined my day again. Thanks Jesus. It’s funny, Cisco Adler (the guy with the huge, droopy ballsack) has a really powerful dad, and though he doesn’t really do much, he has this magnetic energy that makes people compulsively watch everything he does and really celebrate him as something special, even though he’s essentially just a long-haired douchebag with a powerful dad and nothing else really going on. Sound familiar, Jesus? Mmm hmmm.
I got drinks to pour. Bye.

(Oh, and just by the way, have you guys seen that M&M's commercial where Stephen Baldwin gets handily out-acted by a CGI M&M? Pretty good work there. Pretty, pretty good.)


John Brown Style said...

Uhh, Stephen Baldwin from Biodome? uh heh, ha, hahaha, HAHAHA.

Zac Markey said...

pretttttty prettttttttty prettttty good

Anonymous said...

There was another one of those Atheist's Nightmare things with peanut butter, I think he remembered right before the filming and just rummaged around his kitchen.

But what is truly important is that one time I accidentally found a video on Google and it was just a repeat of the guy sticking the banana in his mouth back and forth with either moaning or 70s porn music in the background, I can't remember.

Daniel said...


Nico said...

Brendan, I have a problem.

My brother and I used to be the greatest friends ever. He used to be a big player too. Until he got himself a dumb country girl. And I mean DUMB DUMB FUCKING DUMB.

She is at the house the whole time, being dumb, being obedient and having no spine at all, and she depresses me. My brother has actually become more boring, more hillbilly and dumber since going out with her.

Unfortunately its starting to look like a long term thing.

What should I do? Write my brother off? Kill her? Or just be happy for them?

timziegler said...

Dear Brendan,

Saw you guys at the Fest (I bought you a beer during Cobra Skulls at Market Street Pub). Anywhoo, I picked up one of your rad t-shirts, the one with the etched illustrations, only to lose it dancing around in the pit like I was some sort of teenager. Is there any place I can pick one of these online?

Show Me the Mullet said...

Hey Brendan.

I totally agree with you on the whole Christianity thing but this really is nothing compared to a documentary I saw on the problems in Ghana two nights ago. In short, some strands of the country have mixed 'traditional religion' and Christianity to come up with some absurd shit. Basically anything that's bad luck/unfortunate e.g crops dying, they blame on witchcraft. Now being that Ghana is one of the most religious countries in the world and also one of the poorest, the people there are in a pretty fucked up situation and will believe anything they're told to eradicate this 'witch craft'. So the ministers in churches are publicly telling individuals in their sermons that their son or daughter is a witch/wizard. Now if you were that parent, being told this in front of the entire community. You have no power going against the word of the minister/ everyone knows your child is a witch so you have to abandon whilst the community tie them up an beat them out a confession as to why they caused misforunte.
I've just woken up need to go to class. Please go read more about it if you have the time

nancy said...

Ha! I was listening to that interview too! I liked when they told everyone that the only difference between them (Alec & Mikey) and Howard was that they are sinners that ASK for forgiveness. I liked that next caller that said "so, you live your life like a giant shit storm and piss everyone off and then you ask for forgiveness when you're all done and all is good?" By the way, are you gonna read Artie's book?

Daniel said...

To expand on my already substantial earlier post, I would like to echo the honourable Christopher "Glen Lambert" Hannah in his sentiments towards religion.

waffle said...

Oh Kirk Cameron, you and your boat porn.