Monday, November 10, 2008

Let's be serious for a moment...

Would you rather eat with your ass or shit from your mouth? It seems fairly obvious at first, right? If you’re like most people, you have already instantly decided ‘uh, eat with my ass, dude. What are you, retarded?’ Okay, well firstly, you’re not supposed to say ‘retarded’ any more, okay? And secondly, think about it for a second. Shitting with your mouth would be a bummer, granted. A huge bummer. BUT, you shit all alone, in a bathroom. If you choose eating with your ass, that next dinner out with your boyfriend’s parents isn’t gonna end well, no matter how many witty anecdotes you regale them with.
Simply put, there’s no easy way to stuff food in your ass with other people around. SO that means if you choose eating with your ass, you’re either really flaunting your lack of appreciation for society’s mores, or you’re eating all your meals in the bathroom (just gross, even with regular, mouth-style ingestion) or you’re getting a whole new set of friends and favorite restaurants that I want nothing to do with.
If you shit with your mouth, yeah it sucks, but you just have to carry scope and gum. You should probably be carrying that shit anyway. Just this weekend I hung out with a friend whose breath just about murdered me. I don’t know what he was doing with HIS mouth, but man…wowzers. Let’s just say I wouldn’t be surprised if his ass smelled like sandwiches. Anyway.
This is usually the precursor to the much more interesting discussion, namely ‘what foods would be the best to, you know, make love to’. If you’re a woman or a bottom, well, it’s pretty boring right? I mean, I think the Porky’s movies have pretty much covered all the best ones. Cucumbers, gourds, carrots, bananas (probably not a good idea, actually), um, what else? Popsicles, you know, shit like that. What about if you’re a dude, though? Here’s where some good old fashioned American ingenuity comes in handy.
I have a friend who used to heat up baloney in the microwave and then line a hole in his couch with said baloney and fuck that. He claimed it was amazing. Personally, I’ve had sex with a couch sized woman with a vagina that smells like baloney and you know what? It’s not all that. But whatever, man. Some people like what they like. For example, my wife like’s Wendy’s. I don’t. There you go.
Okay, so people always talk about fucking pumpkins and stuff, but to me, this seems uncomfortable. Pumpkins, melons what have you, all have pretty sharp edges if you bore out a hole, and well, no thanks. I don’t care how soft the inside is (not very, by the way). I don’t know what kind of drillbit dicks these guys have, but the whole thing just sounds too rough and tumble for my sensitive demeanor.
Likewise, people have mentioned things like an apple pie. I don’t know where this came from, but it seems to be popular with the kids for some reason. Listen, an apple pie will just fall apart until you’re essentially fucking a handful of crusts. That’s ridiculous. Fucking a pie. Please. If you want to fuck a food, here’s my suggestions:

A bean burrito from taco bell, no onions and extra red sauce- Now, that’s never the way I’d order it if I was gonna eat it. I’d get sour cream on there and probably extra cheese. But to fuck it? Get those onions out of there. They’re little cubes and they’ll just be distracting at best. The red sauce seems like it’ll keep things um, sliding along smoothly and there you go. You’re fucking a burrito like a champ. Nice one. Oh, and it’s warm, so there’s that.

A jelly sandwich. This is really the winner, I think. You need white bread, not any kind of nice white bread though, you’ll need like wonder or something like that. And you need like Smuckers grape jelly, not preserves, but the real gelatinous stuff. You know what I’m talking about. What about that sandwich DOESN’T scream penile comfort, right? I don’t know that it would be good to eat. In fact, I’m nigh positive that I wouldn’t like it at all, as I don’t like either of the ingredients, but that’s not really what we’re talking about here, is it? It’s like the difference between eating with your ass or eating with your mouth. As delicious as they are to eat with your mouth, can you imagine how difficult it would be to cram a cheesesteak up your ass? I mean, if somehow I wound up eating with my ass, let’s say emergency surgery or something, it would be nothing but turkey dogs (no bun, no mustard, just dog) for the rest of my life. That seems doable, in a sort of “well, things really can’t get much worse now” sort of way.
Ah, here I am again, talking about stuffing food up my ass. It’s because I’m hungry. I didn’t really get much dinner last night and because I worked I slept in, so now I’m all hungry. All this talk of stuffing food up my ass and fucking other foods though, my synapses are all firing at the wrong time. I’m kind of horny and afraid, and every time my stomach growls those feelings increase.
Well, I’m not gonna figure it all out today, that’s for sure. It’s lunch time. I’ll keep you all informed.

15 comments:

Shane McPain said...

take a bite out of an xl bacon double cheeseburger from burger king, you could totally fuck that.
im sure it would be lovely

the xls optional.

bloodiedup3o said...

I'm assuming you've seen the South Park episode. Thanksgiving turkey in the ass? Something to look forward to. I never understood the apple pie thing unless you had like a two inch dick. Otherwise wouldn't you just be banging yourself into a hard pie tin?

allison paige said...

sometimes when you haven't updated by 10 I get nervous

xNARCOPLETICx said...

Eggplant for dudes. I had a friend that said you throw the eggplant in the microwave for about 10 seconds, cut the top off, stick it in the couch and go to town. Messy but effective..I guess..

Candice said...

dude this was the most ridiculous thing i have ever read.

and it reminds me of a joke:

what's the difference between jelly and jam?

you can jelly your cock down a girl's throat

T.NERB said...

its bologna not baloney, retard.

SauliosBJ123 said...

You just made it sound like your wife likes to fuck Wendy's and you don't. Or maybe that was your intention.

Matt. said...

I have a friend who once told me, without a hint of shame, about fucking a honeydew melon. He started off by microwaving it, but I guess he didn't have much of a frame of reference for that sort of thing, and microwaved it too long. He apparently was eager to dive right in as well, and ended up scolding his penis.

You'll be happy to know however, his second attempt (20 minutes or so later) was successful.
What a trooper.

Mark said...

The things I learn on this blog are amazing.

Sam Tie Blogger said...

Didnt NOFX cover this on Surfer? Fuck a midget fuck a jew, fuck fans of Blink 182, but thats illegal if youre born in 83!

Jason said...

wow just wow, i almost died in class at the bean burrito part! classic. lol.

John Barrett said...

Don't you hate how blogger automatically lists the "subjects" of your blogs alphabetically. Kant's response should obviously not come before Neitzche's Ubermensch.

Eric said...

It's OK to fuck fans of Blink 182 now.

Andrew said...

how can you not like wendy's? One word man: baconator.
I don't even know if it's all that great, but with a name like that you can't pass it up.

amandatague said...

i have one friend who used to routinely fuck warm tomatoes. and i have another who once tried to fuck a piece of pizza. these guys both make some questionable decisions when it comes to the women they sleep with as well. so i'm guessing food fuckers= most likely to have herpes.