Monday, November 17, 2008

...In worn out shoes.

As a general rule, I don’t believe in stereotypes or racism. In fact, I think that the whole adherence to those fucked up ideas makes for some of the funniest jokes around. I don’t think it’s funny when someone makes some comment about a black guy liking fried chicken because of the actual content, I think it’s funny because well, really? That’s your thing? Black guys and fried chicken? Huh. Okay, firstly who on this earth DOESN’T like fried chicken? Next, you sound like an imbecile. Right? I mean, I’m not alone on this, am I? This sort of racism is so dumb that it almost pans out to awesome simply because the guy who’s spouting it is making a complete dick of himself just by articulating this kind of thing. Is this overly complex theory for fried chicken/watermelon jokes? Perhaps. BUT, I’m merely bringing this up because I ran, against my will, mind you, face first into a completely accurate stereotype like this last night. I wish I hadn’t and I’d actually love to unlearn it…but alas.
So, a few years ago, my friend Marcus and I were bowling. Jon, a dude we went to gradeschool and highschool with was visiting from NYC and was with us. I was in charge of the score sheet. Being the exceedingly clever dude I am, I wrote our names as various purile curses, such as butt, balls and fart. Let’s, for the sake of easy storytelling, say that those were the three names. I was butt, Marcus was balls and Jon was fart. Well, Jon was terribly offended. I mean, he would NOT be fart on the score sheet. Never mind that we, the only other people around were balls and butt respectively, he wasn’t having it. SO, he attempted to alter said score sheet. I think he wanted to turn ‘fart’ into ‘farther’ for some reason (A vastly worse bowling name, by the way…I’ll be fart any time. Farther? What are you, some kind of prog rock minister? Anyhow…) but once he put the H onto fart, Marcus and I caught on and shit got funny. FARTH!!!!??? You want to be called Farth? Uh…no, I was trying to make it say… Nope! You’re farth now. You could have been fart for ten frames, but you got greedy, and now you’re farth for the rest of your life. And, here’s the best part: it worked. My wife, who I’ve known for almost a decade, thought that Jon’s name was Farth until last year. It’s become so ubiquitous that there’s just no denying it any more. My friend from South America came up to stay with me last year, and he referred to Jon exclusively as Farth while he was here. This from a guy who knew Jon in high school, keeps in closer touch with him than I do, and wasn’t around for the renaming…he STILL calls him farth. It’s funny. We’ll nickname your ass. Watch out.
So, Farth was in my bar last night. He walked in and I’m not shitting you, he looked so much like Joe Jonas that I had a moment of involuntary laughter. Again, so we’re on the same page: Farth looks just like Joe Jonas: leather jacket, sweet scarf, gay hair…you get it. He was killing it. Now, Jon’s a pretty handsome cat, so it maybe can go unnoticed down in south America (where he lives) but let me tell you, upon witnessing him walking into a bar in the first world, man…the whole bar got Jonas fever, and by that I mean they were saying “who’s that didlo who looks like a jonas bro?” Jon’s 32. Not sixteen, thirty two. He looks young, and like I said, he’s good looking, but dude, he dresses like Joe Jonas, and in a cruel twist of fate, he LOOKS like Joe Jonas, so yeah. He’s one of those dudes Who I would, for sure, pretend not to know until it became imperative that I cast my allegiance. Then I’d be like “who, Joe Jonas the second over there? Yeah, I know him. He’s like, one of my oldest friends. He’s been in south America for a while. I’m confident he doesn’t realize how ridiculous he looks. Give him a break.”
So, Jon (Farth, for those of you keeping score at home) is jew. I, for whatever reason am always surrounded by jews. My highschool was pretty much all jews, the guy who puts out my band’s records, he’s a jew, it’s super jewy in my life…and that’s great., I’m pretty down with the jews. They’ve got great drugs for one thing. What else? Yeah. Hmmmm….So, man, jews…What’s their story? What do the hillbillies say about Jews? What’s the illiterate writing on the wall, so to speak? They’re cheap? Well, they’ve come a pretty long way since they killed jesus. I mean, they own Hollywood now, as per my understanding, and I think brave pioneers like Harvey Weinstien have made people realize that jews aren’t just cheap bastards, they’re just regular bastards like the rest of us. Nice work. This however, is where my friend Farth unravels all the hard work that brave jew pioneers have done for jews and their cheapness, or supposed cheapness.
Last night, Farth came into my bar at nine. He left with me at 2 to go get a drink at a four oclock bar. SO, that means he sat, drinking for five hours. I, as one of his oldest friends, charged him five bucks for his night of drinking. Guess what he gave me. Go on. Guess. Did you say a five dollar bill? You’d be right. I mean seriously, How badly are you setting back the ‘jews aren’t cheap’ cause, farth? Five bucks? This is a guy who I’ve been very close friends with for 22 years! I can’t even imagine what he’d do if a bartender wasn’t a lifelong bestie. Oh, five bucks? Well, here’s three. Keep the change. Cheap fuck. The thing is, I tried to shame him in front of the bar after this unacceptable display, and he was unflappable. SO, knowing that he reads the BSC, I’ve decided to take my case here. Hey farth! You cheap fuck. Next time, I’m charging you full price for the negronis AND I’m not gonna tell people to relax when they begin to get angry due to your Jonas Bros doppelganging. Eh,…whatever. I’m kidding a bit. I love that guy. Glad you’re in town, you cheap jew;.


Candice said...

my roommate works for harvey weinstein and he is the worst.

but farth, i think you might just have him beat. cheap fuck.

Keri said...

i did something similar the other night. not on purpose though. my lovely bartender was kind enough to give me not just one but two drinks on the house in honor of my birthday. all i had was a $10 bill and i don't know why i didn't ask her to break it so i could leave a dece tip for a dece lady. unlike farth, though, i wholly intend to make up for it next time i'm there.

DoYouStillHateMe? said...


Anonymous said...

"Farth" is too funny.

Zac Markey said...

hey brendan, i just turned 21 less than a year ago. i've been tipping bartenders like a dollar or two every two or three drinks. is that acceptable? if not what is? i'm sure it partly depends on the bar, and the only good bars here in tempe are usually dive-y. so what's a good dive bar tip?

Suzanne said...

Keri with two free drinks - tipping the bartender the tenner without breaking it is not overtipping.. Think of it like this, whenever you get something for free, that person still did the same work, and if you'd paid for the drinks, with a tip added, it probably would have cost you that $10 anyway.. hell, where I work, that barely gets you one drink. Yes, you end up not making out on the free drink part this time, but the other 364 days that aren't your birthday, good will from a bartender will not go to waste. That nice tip will get you better service and stronger drinks, and you'll end up saving it..

To Zac, I work in the industry, and usually tip a dollar a drink to a bartender.. If you want to save a bit, rather than tip every two or three drinks, run a tab if you can, then when you pay out at the end of the night, put a 15% minimum tab on what you had. Helps you to keep better track of just how wasted you are, too.

This may all sound excessive to you guys, but I know servers and bartenders. Any place you go to regularly, if you take good care of the staff, they will take very good care of you. Our local bartenders will often give me and my friends extra drinks, extra shots in drinks, free appetizers, all sorts of random acts of kindness, solely because (a) we aren't dicks to them (b) we tip well - a friday night bar tab for us is usually at least $100, and we tip usually at least $30 on top of that.. and (c) we don't take up much of their time.

Cheap people get cheap service. Tip badly, and act rudely, your server will charge you for every possible thing they can, your drinks will come light on the alcohol - I've seen bartenders make virgin drinks for people who're really shitty, and just pour a little liquor down the straw/float on top.. Which would you rather? Double strength or zero strength?

It's a crappy job, tip your bartender!

Great Lakes Suck said...

i bought godamn great lakes and it sucks. we got dortmunder gold and its fucking gross. Natie light looks like a jesus compared to it. I thought great lakes/Great escape was about the fucking beer "great lakes brewing co." That shit is fucked. Do you like dark beer? Because i dont. Jesus fuck!!!!

A l e x said...

Great Lakes Suck, I'm curious to hear more about your bold and exciting new ideas. Do you have a mailing list or something that I could subscribe to?

Sam Tie Blogger said...

Great Lakes Sucks, you are not very good at Beer. Great Lakes is awesome, drink a few Nosferatus and tell me shit about Nati light. Also, only rednecks and date rapists in white college hats drink Nati Light.

Im gonna take Farths side here. If you were a casual acquantance to him, and like, knew him from him being in some band or something, then its shitty as hell to do that. If someone just kinda knows me and hooks me up, they get hooked up. If its a good friend, its a tough call. Maybe he just tbought you were being super nice, and it wasnt work related.

Just playin devils advocate here!

M! said...

Your comments about stereotype-based comedians reminds me of the end of Peace Through Music by the Chinkees where they remix Andrew Dice Clay (I think) doing his usual bit with a beat. The amount of creativity it takes to come up with that shit must takes years of deep meditation and practice to achieve.



Anonymous said...

Negronis are the business.