Thursday, November 20, 2008

I Choose none! Then I choose both!

I took the day off. It’s a great feeling. Some of my best friends are in town today, and we’re gonna go out to lunch and I’m gonna show off my baby and all that kind of good shit. My wife’s home today too. It’s a real weekend during the week.
Last night, for my class, I wrote a skit about Winston Churchill working as a waitress at Hooters. I don’t know if it was particularly clever, but it was pretty funny I guess.
Whatever. I’m listening to Howard Stern right now and they’re interviewing a prostitute and a former virgin and talking all about his wacky issues with having sex (none of which involved an aversion to prostitutes, but some of which involved racism being required [he’s a black guy] for him to get a boner). Usually when I write this thing, the blog, that is, the only sounds are those of my neglected child screaming wildly in the background, today it’s an interview about hardons. It’s distracting. That’s all.
My friends are playing a big show tonight and I’m going to go. I’m excited, but I’m also a little apprehensive. I mean, this show is huge, and I hate being around that many people with no exit strategy. I don’t know, man…I’m not like agoraphobic or anything, it’s just kind of spooky to be in the middle of a big crowd. Usually, I spend so much time, you know, backstage, schmoozing with the important people, drinking champagne and eating beluga caviar out of less important people’s assholes while hookers dressed as mimes tie animal balloons with their own, separate, non-caviar-filled assholes that I’m just not used to the big teeming hordes anymore.
Well, whatever. I’m just gonna have to hang out backstage then. Besides, I’ve seen and played shows at this venue before. It’s one of the worst sounding places in the universe. Fine. It’s settled. I’m not watching any music. More caviar and balloon animals for me then. Good.
Okay, I really don’t know what’s going on here on the radio. Here’s what I can’t stand. I think that the staff on Howard Stern is usually pretty funny and right on, but I can’t stand prank phone calls. I mean, not just the dumb ones that they do on Howard Stern. All of em. I think the Jerky Boys are dumb. I think crank yankers was totally stupid, and I just generally don’t find the whole genre to be very funny. Oh, we used to do it when we were kids, for sure. They were almost never that funny either. In fact, what the fuck am I talking about? They were completely stupid. Except maybe one time, and even that wasn’t that amazing or anything. Prank phone calls are like the Jokes in Martin Lawrence’s stand up set. Even the best ones are just BARELY chuckle worthy.
Well, anyway, my friend Farth, back when he was still called Jon, did a ‘good’ one where a woman called his house on a misdial. Rather than say “hey, you got a wrong number” he went into this whole thing about how ‘janie’ or whoever the woman on the phone was asking for, wouldn’t come to the phone because she’s sick of your bullshit, and she thinks you’re a bitch, and don’t call here again. That was a pretty funny gag I thought, for a thirteen year old kid to come up with just out of nowhere. Anyway, that’s not really a prank call….it’s more of just ruining some other lady’s day for a while. Also, it’s not really THAT great. Okay, whatever. I’m suddenly writing an essay about how prank calls succeed or fail as a comedic paradigm? No thanks. This is almost as big a waste of time as listening to prank calls, or watching Martin Lawrence movies.
Here’s the other thing, I don’t like the fucking music that they play between songs on this show. I mean, is there really a reason for hearing anything by Alanis Morrisette? Under any fucking circumstances? Jesus. Look, I thought it was as funny as you when it came out that she’d been blowing uncle Joey from Full House in movie theaters, but uh, that’s where my love affair with anything coming out of Alanis Morrisette’s mouth ended. You know what else is funny? He played a comedian on that show, and I’ll bet you a lifetime supply of donuts and hair gel that if he had to go head to head against Stamos and Saget, his jokes would be the worst. And that’s against Stamos and Saget. That’s like Warwick Davis playing the role of an NBA center and then having to play Steve Buscemi in one on one. Buscemi sucks at basketball, you can bet your dick. But Warwick Davis is way worse. How can I be so sure? He’s British. (if this isn’t immediately funny to you, you should probably image google Warwick Davis…just, you know, so you can get the full brutal force of the joke).
Okay, I’m going to go enjoy my day off. You can all go to hell. See you tomorrow.
Bk

20 comments:

lostandclowned said...

i took the day off today too. And let me tell you, the sleeping portion of it was great.

rpophessagr said...

That venue does suck. It's like a giant reverb box with seats that just appear at some point. I guess you can't expect much from a venue that will have a rock show the week after hosting a cage fighting event (this is actually true).

Andrew said...

who's playing tonight?

Sam Tie Blogger said...

Seriously, and what venue! I dont even live in Chicago and Im intrigued!!

pause...

Took time to google before posting.

Rise Against and The Alkaline Trio, nice. Tell those bastards to come back to Cincinnati, the tour skipped us! For a big package tour, that is a really freakin good one, though I could leave thrice.

Ive been sleeping great lately, whooooo hoo!!

Mikey said...

This post reminded me of when I saw that show a bit over a month ago. It was great. The Gaslight Anthem were amazing. So were Alkaline Trio and Rise Against.

Thrice...meh...not so much.

Sam Tie Blogger said...

Yeah, thrice had one record that had a few good songs on it, but thats about it.

SauliosBJ123 said...

This one time, when I was in like 3rd grade, I was at my friend's house and he answered the phone and as soon as he said "hello" the other end of the phone said "oh, damn, I thought this was Shaniqua!" and hung up. I guess that story was a lot funnier back in 3rd grade...maybe I should quit telling it, but it was about the funniest thing ever back then.

Jose said...

So my girlfriend hasn't tried to come over to my apartment in 2 weeks. We've been going out for almost 3 weeks. If we hang out it's only when I make a trek over to her place... & when I ask her to come over to my place she wants me to meet her halfway. I feel like I'm putting alot more into actually getting together & like I'm only seeing her when it's convenient for her. This only one of our problems that we're having. Should I just dump her? I'm not happy when I'm not with her, in a resentful way. But when we're together, I'm happy, but mostly in a physical way.

Rex said...

not even the call where sal steals his wife's scooter and is trying to sell it and the cops are chasing him and shooting at him??? come on!

toiletslide said...

Because of you I had that Alanis Morisette song stuck in my head all day. It was finally gone, then I heard it on VH1's 100 Greatest Songs of the 90s about 5 minutes ago.

Jose said...

Nevermind, we broke up & I'm glad!

Dave said...

Brendan, you are way off about the Jerky Boys. I don't know how many you listened to but they are the Propagandi of prank calls. You know progressive and pushing the envelope without being a butthole about it. I would happy to make you a mix of there finer moments but I suspect you have your mind made up.

PS. I have seen Coulier's stand -up and it does indeed suck shit. Saget is mean funny and Stamos could just get up there and tell stories about The Beach Boys.

Sickie27 said...

I had to image Google Warwick Davis.

I am still chuckling. You are a comical genius.

Eric said...

I looked up Warwick Davis, and I have to be comepletely honest. The thought of Steve Buscemi trying to play basketball is funnier to me. I laughed pretty hard when I read that. I never thought about, but yeah, I'm sure he does suck at basketball.

Also- the random word verification thing I have to type in to post this is "turds."

Angiepants said...

BK! My expert colleague and I have determined that you need to listen to Chinese Democracy and commentate as you do so. Y'know. For science.

http://www.myspace.com/gunsnroses

nancy said...

I wonder if you're referring to the "can I come pick up the wheelbarrow" prank call that was on, I was annoyed by it only cause I get a little anxious for the prankee (?). The worst, WORST possible thing on Howard though, Brendan, even worse than the awful music he plays that everyone always agrees is just great, is Eric the Midget. HATE THAT FUCKER! Why does he always pick up his calls? Why!!

funkyrumblefish said...

Warwick Davis, heh. Anyhoo, im going to see the trio, gaslight, rise against and t(h)rice tomorrow in grand rapids, MI. Should be good.

sheezapirate said...

Oh my gosh! I know who Warwick Davis is without having to "google" him. I love the movie Willow... how lame is that?

MF DUMB said...

Longmont Potion Castle

Jim Ludes- Grundy/ Will County REALTOR said...

That show killed bottom to top last night though it's weird to see Tim borrowing Davey Havok's risers and hogging all the stage time.....and the sound there IS for shit.