Thursday, January 15, 2009

Candy cane earmuffs!

0kay, first things first, you guys are terribly sweet to comment so extensively on the last post, which was essentially about rock of love and the inevitable decline in quality and popularity of everyone’s favorite peanut butter colored daily entertainment. Thanks. Secondly, it’s even colder here today than yesterday. I drove my baby to daycare (and the INSIDE of my windows were covered in ice! The scraper is made for the contours of the outside of the window, so let’s just say it was harder than fucking a soapy pig that’s high on adderal while you’re too drunk to stand to clear away enough space for me to see) and when I got to the daycare parking lot, I put the car key, that was IN the warm car, in my mouth so I could get the carseat out of the back (I’m totally one of those scumbag dudes with a carseat now…I see people notice that, and I watch their eyes register ‘shoulda kept it in your pants, scumbag dude.’ I get that at the daycare a lot. People are a little hesitant to open the door for me, especially if it’s hot and you can see my arms or if I have a beard. All the girls that work there know me, it’s the other parents, who are all old for some reason, too old to be having a toddler…Shoulda whipped it out of your pants a little earlier grandpa. Now you’ll be too old to enjoy any time with your ugly, fat baby once she finally grows up and wants to play floor hockey and run around…You’ll be too busy fighting off dementia and hiding your shitstained underpants from the family. Heh.) and the fucking key stuck to my tongue, Christmas story style. That’s how cold it is. The temperature gauge in my car, which doesn’t measure windchill said it was negative nine degrees. For those of you who use Celsius or Kelvin that’s pretty fucking cold. Balls climbing back into your body cold. Although, if you use Kelvin, you’re almost undoubtedly smarter than me, and you probably have a pretty good handle on converting temps, at least I’d imagine. I actually went to school with a dude named Kelvin…no, wrong. His name was, I’m pretty sure, Kelwin. I think he’s a city planner now. He used to wear a seashell in his dreadlocks. Pretty nice look.
Okay, so back to the saga of my crappy jobs…I was, for a while, the door guy at a bar. This was a shitty bar that brought in a nice smattering of total assholes in expensive jeans and stripey button ups, skinheads, punks, bums, sluts of all shapes and sizes and more than a few drug dealers. Here’s a little piece of advice that I got from my good buddy Nader regarding working the door at a bar: Always act like you’re vaguely pissed off. Don’t really look at people too much when you ask for their ID’s and don’t ASK at all, for that matter. Kind of look out the door, hold out your hand and say “ID please” in a kind of annoyed way. This is key to having people cooperate with you. When I first started checking ID’s, I was polite, because let’s face it, I wasn’t raised by assholes. I like to be nice, and it was amazing how people just instantly interpret the door guy as a bit of a confrontation and try to seize the upper hand. It’s hard to explain, but at the door, being polite created a lot of problems. Lots of dudes without ID’s would try to push their way in. People would try to laugh it off and walk by, people kind of shit talking…It sucked/still sucks for polite door guys. AND, this was everyone, by the way, not just the dicks from the suburbs or the punks or the sluts…EVERYONE. Once I started acting like a bit of an asshole, BOOM. No more problems at the door.
It was a good job in that I got paid cash and free drinks and I got to sit there at the bar that I would have been at anyway, but it sucked because, in that little room, that little society of drinking, you’re the cop. That’s not a good feeling, ever. I remember one night a giant, giant dude with tattoos on his face and head came in and started getting a little aggressive, and I told the owner, “if that guy starts anything, I want you to know, I quit.” And I meant it. I’m not about to get paralyzed for fifty bucks and a couple of highlifes. BUT, that was a special circumstance, in that the guy was straight out of Mordor. Usually, I broke up any fights, and threw anyone out who was being an asshole, and I never really had a problem.
ALTHOUGH, one time, I was in the bar after I stopped being the doorman and I was hanging with my friend Mike (who does sound for Seether and Chevelle…you think your office plays shitty music…HA) and these dudes started messing with him. I went up to my replacement doorman (a big fat guy who looks EXACTLY like what Garfield would look like if he was a human) and said, “hey, there’s some dudes causing trouble over there” and he said “You know what, the night’s almost over and I’m not gonna do anything about it. I’m tired.” This was a sack punch, to say the least. Well, sure enough, the dudes got in mike’s face to the point where the door guy had NO choice but to go over there, so he, being pissed that he was being forced to, you know, do his job, just kicked everyone out, including mike, and locked the door. Well, on the street, the dudes beat the crap out of mike and one guy punched him repeatedly with a key sticking through his knuckles. Mike turned out to be okay, but it was shitty, for sure.
Final result? This big fat guy kind of hates ME for some reason. I guess he can’t handle how great I was at the door. And I left it all behind kids, for this. Being a bartender, which is where I’m going right now. xoxo

24 comments:

againstmeaghann said...

I'm definitely NOT looking forward to walking to work today and then heading to class afterwords. I cannot tell you how many times I have checked my e-mail this morning, hoping/praying it's been canceled. I'm also hoping all business in the South Loop are shut down.

Anyway. I still love your blog, man. Been reading from day one and probably won't stop any time soon. I'd say something more but I'm already late for work. Ack.

aplaidgreenatari said...

you are literally the coolest man alive.

Spir00s said...

fuck Chicago winters, but hey we beat Minnesota for once in temperature (i lied we are tied, i think) time to go and do nothing with my day off!

kylewagoner said...

You telling me about the weather on here helped when talking to one of my friends from Chicago last night when she was saying "My car wouldn't start." I could then follow up with "Yeah, Brendan says the weather is awful there and you got a blizzard and it's supposed to be the coldest Chicago's been in like 14 years." Thanks for that. And for the record, I read your blog every day, I just don't always have something to say. You're the reason I write my own.

bruce said...

ive always hated blogs and especially people who write blogs. but i really enjoy yours. keep up the good work sir. this is good. check it out.
http://eyeonspringfield.tumblr.com/

Eric said...

I agree with aplaidgreenatari. Loved daycare rant. I look like a normal dude and I used to feel weird going into the locked doors at kindercare. and seriously some people are way to old to be having kids. good observation. they are fucking selfish!

Chris said...

I was the catalyst of a bar fight once.. Some dude sent some other guy a Shirley Temple as a joke.. I thought he knew him and was just messing with a friend; turns out it was a stranger.. The insult-receiver got pissed and beat the shit out of the guy.. Head smashed on brick wall and everything.. Funny shit..

tip: don't be a dick at a bar unless you can kick the other guy's ass.. in fact, just don't be a dick at a bar.. no one thinks you're cool except you

and yes, BK is the coolest fucking dude in the world.. i wanna party with him

aaronsuspect said...

I hope you're not forgetting "guy in band." I specifically remember reading on here that that was going to be a topic of discussion. Also, do people like myself bug the hell out of you because YOU'RE BRENDAN FROM THE LAWRENCE ARMS, OMG? I try not to come across that way.

tonedeff said...

I'm from South Florida. I'm skinny, and never seen snow. 50 is cold for me.


I'm pretty sure I'd be dead right now if I was in Chicago.

dan638563 said...

I've never had problems with Chicago bouncers, mostly because I start up conversations with them. If you are cool with them, they will tell you which girl who works there is easiest to have sex with.

Angiepants said...

Pfft, inside of your window. Our storm door is completely frozen through and the inside of the actual front door is icing up too. And I had to take the damn dog out without a coat.

cornicula said...

I don't think I would mind the cold in Chicago as much if there wasn't so much wind. It whips all of the snow into your face and gets up into your nose and makes your nosehairs freeze and get stuck together.

Paul said...

I'd absolutely hate winters in Chicago from all the horror stories I hear on here. I get too cold to go out here in PA, and it's like 25 degrees...

Also, I feel Kelvin is a waste of a scale. Fahrenheit and Celsius weren't good enough so they had to invent another scale, and one that will never reach zero? Pretty useless if you as me.

nancy said...

Oh bK, just wait till little Wyatt heads off to school and you have to witness the "mom pants" jacked up to their necks. I noticed that dramatic dip in comments too, my theory was that people didn't want to share their past jobs since that was the topic and all.

Sandra Rodriguez said...

You know, there are times when I really hate living in California, but I can't say I hate the weather. I'd pretty much be a Popsicle anywhere else, with all the cold and whatnot.

Scott Juniper. said...

me key stuck to my tongue this morning when i was pumping gas.

SaulioSBJ123 said...

I often have barely anything to say, but still usually comment. I don't know if you prefer that or if I would be better off not saying something stupid at all.

Jack said...

I was wondering if Mr Nader would ever reappear in your blog. I still need to go up to Smalls on a Monday to ask him to tell the strip club story from Christmas Eve, I have a funny feeling his version will be a little different and it'll fill in any gaps

Nina said...

I've never had a doorman be nice to me and now I understand why.

Tony said...

in my experience, it's the doorbitches who are the real assholes.

Matt Ramone said...

Today is was so cold I reach down to adjust my nuts and it felt like a shriveled kiwi.

That's it. I'm buying thermal pants.

Victor said...

I have been reading this blog for about 5 months and this would be my first comment. Actually, this is the first time i have ever even read other people's comment, and i have to say that I 'm stoked that people love this blog as much as i do. Brendan, your freaking hilarious.

Oh yes, I live in uptown and today was so fucking cold i decided not to leave my apartment!
Chicago winters are brutal.

Sylvester Trombone said...

Hey BK, was that zero instead of an O (in 0kay) at the beginning there an accident or a nod to your faithful readers? 0r are y0u just j0ining the super d00per c00l internet craze like f0r realz?

Ryan said...

ireland has had relatively little snow and/or ice this time surprisingly but i'm thinkin of you filthy yanks! you've had a lot of jobs