Wednesday, January 14, 2009

I thought this was rock of love, not rock of fucking.

It’s blizzarding, and it’s approximately thirteen degrees outside my house. My baby seems content to not sleep at his scheduled naptimes, and my cleaning lady is coming in just a few short hours. I don’t have any idea what I’m going to do with this day. I’ve got a lot of conferring with my writing partner about some script ideas we’re working on and I’m supposed to take my dog to get his nails clipped, I need to get an external hard drive and I want to go to the gym…but man, it’s fucking blizzarding! It’s gonna be one of the most monstrous pains in the ass to get anything at all done. That will, of course make me feel completely useless, which will spiral out of control into me exerting way too much energy on something that I can’t possibly do well around the house with my cleaning lady here, like trying to write songs or some shit.
I’m out of coffee.
So, man, the recession seems to have really hit my blog hard, eh? I mean, not last month I was averaging somewhere in the neighborhood of fifteen comments, and the month before it was usually in the twenties…Since 09 began though, not so much….Perhaps this all goes back to my mom liking the blog now, which, if we apply the equation Anything that A Mom Thinks Is Cool=So Terribly Uncool, well, then I guess we have some sort of answer, but I don’t know…maybe all those people out there have moved on. Is my time as a rising star of the blogosphere coming to an end? Am I doomed to be another white dwarf just dimming out there on the galactic horizon? Am I gonna be the blog writing equivalent of the dude that cruises through the anonymous sex park and strikes out, no matter what color handkerchief I wear in my back pocket? Well, par for the course, I suppose.
You know what’s disgusting? Rock of Love Bus…I said this before and I’ll say it again…Those hoes are so DIRTY, they make the chicks who were taking turns sucking off disgusting Bret Michaels in season 1 look like fucking nuns. I mean, there was a time, not that long ago when a woman taking a shot of liquor on a first date sent a signal to a man which could be construed as “I’m easy to bang”. Now, there’s nothing wrong with being a woman and taking a shot, or going after what you want…I mean, fuck, that’s great as far as I’m concerned. I’m merely pointing out that this little message has transformed a bit it seems, because on the opening episode of the Rock of Love Bus, on the first night out with Bret (who, by the way is so gross now. If you filled up a brown faux leather bag with hamburger meat, put some my Little Pony Tails on the top and then strapped a bandana over those, you’d have his face…Plus, he’s still wearing those jeans and those dumb fucking Ed Hardy shirts…DUDE! YOU’RE OLD! There’s nothing wrong with being old, there’s everything wrong with pretending you’re not) took a shot out of a test tube that was in another girl’s vagina. Modern times, man. Wow. I mean, that’s a statement of intent right there. “I intend to give you Chlamydia,’ is what I think it’s saying, and it kind of seems like it’s aimed at everyone. Whatever. Good for her. Drink that gross buttery nipple shot out of the test tube in that skanks vagina. Good on ya, as they say down under.
You know when Chris Rock mentioned that if you’re a parent of a girl, your job is to ‘keep em off the pole’, as in make sure they don’t grow up to be strippers? He goes on to say that if your girl does grow up to be a stripper, you fucked up raising them. Well, I don’t know if that’s true. I don’t know enough strippers well enough to draw any conclusions, but I can say with utmost certainty, that if you’re the parent of a girl who ends up on Rock of Love, you’ve done a terrible job of parenting, not necessarily because they’re strippers too, mind you…Because they’re on that horrible show doing gross things to a gross guy who they don’t even recognize as a cultural figure BEYOND being the guy from Rock of Love and the only desired outcome is internationally broadcast humiliation. I mean at least when you give a lapdance you get a twenty. At least when you spread your clam in a magazine or fuck a dude in a movie you get a decent amount of money. What do those hoes get? Made fun of on the Soup, or in BSC. Yeah, whatever, I’m sure there are probably many avenues of social discourse run by snide, smarty pants assholes that fall in between this blog and Joel McChale’s show…and yeah, hoes, you’re getting made fun of on those too. I mean, even Bret Michaels himself mocks these bitches, and he’s the one looking for love. Also, and I’m just throwing this out there, Big John, Bret’s personal assistant guy, he’s the one who ends up fucking ALL those chicks. I mean, you just don’t get access into Bret fucking Michaels’s exclusive sleep n’ bang chamber by just walking up and opening the door…Don't be naive, people. There's only one way in. You know what they say: the way to a man's heart is through his personal assistant's dick. Good on ya big John. Good on ya, gross hoes.
In conclusion, fuck the pole…Keep your daughter off the Rock of love, right? Right.
Maybe I’ll continue the saga of my employment tomorrow. Today, I’m not feeling it. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.
Okay, I gotta make something happen or I’m going to go crazy. I’m off to get my dog’s ass glands all squeezed out.

29 comments:

the sandwhiches said...

So I haven't seen any advice on here in a while so I'm going to ask for some.

I live in the middle of nowhere in north carolina, and I have three choices of bars.

Bar 1. Is basically a family diner that has a bar in it. Monday-thursday they have $1 yuengling drafts and $1.50 pbr. The downside is they close at 10 pm.

Bar 2. Claims to be a sports bar but only has one 13" inch tv from 1984. The plus side is they have $2 24 oz. Yuengling drafts, the downside is no pbr or highlife, and the vibe is that someone is going to get stabbed any second.

Bar 3. Is a pool hall. Free pool on sun-thur after 9 pm. drinks are reasonable($2 pbr), but the downside is they have a horrible jukebox. It is one of those internet jukeboxes, so people fill it with lil wayne and garth brooks. The few times I've used it I get charged double credits to listen to dillinger four and avail, and the one time I played fifteen they pulled the plug.

So my question to you is which of the bars seem like my best vaule. I've taken to drinking at home a lot, but I do crave social interaction at times.

Jeff said...

100% chance that I'm watching next week when Bret flips out during eliminations. She must've raked during morning BJ.

Best quote from episode deuce:

"I didn't know they made bikini's in size FAT FUCK" - Whore that looks like Juliette Lewis

Paul said...

So, I can't stand drinking PBR, or Yuengling (and that gets me alot of shit 'cuz I live in PA, 20 minutes from where it's made), does this make me uncool? I'm a Molson-kinda guy.

Also, The Soup is a pretty quality show and the only Rock of Love Bus I watch is the highlights on there, but I am still ashamed to be watching even those 10 second clips.

sheila said...

i'd gauge blog success on views, not comments. not sure if it tells you how many people are looking at your shit everyday, though. just a thought. i dunno. i read every day, i just don't comment for fear of people thinking that i am a crazy internet stalker or something.

and i don't know if this piece of info does anything for you or not, but jesse michaels has a new band. i'm stoked.

Saulio SBJ 123 said...

Go outside (when there isn't a blizzard) with a sandwich board advertising the BSC and get your reader count up...then everyone will try to offer you a publishing deal on a book.

afalker said...

Comment.


Love your blog, been reading for awhile. Keep it up!

Candice said...

can i have the contact info for your personal assistant?

aaronsuspect said...

Rock of Love... Christ. Our culture is absolutely insane. What happened to going outside and enjoying the sun? Or a refreshing blizzard?

I've gotten to the point where I check your page everyday... Fuck the economy.

Matt Ramone said...

I wouldn't mind if for a week this turned into Humiliating Stories About Toby.

Tyler K said...

Here's a thought: Given your knowledge of bands and venues in Chicago, prior experience as a "stage manager" and your known stance on the Warped Tour, why not do a Chicago style Fest. I know there are a shitload of cool bands from the area and Chicago is way less of a drive than Gainesville. Perhaps you could call it "the Felch" (clever, right?) Just a thought.

tonedeff said...

don't worry, I still read your blog. I've been on this train since your second post.

I just never comment. Sorry for half-assing loyalty.

<3

Eric said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Tyler J. Bernard said...

(Token comment)

Manny Los Gatos said...

I read BSC on a daily basis. Can't you see your daily readers on here? I never get comments on my blog, and my readers went from like 20 daily down to 4. Maybe people are too cold to read.

alkalinepunk13 said...

BSC is now part of my daily routine. Nothing like putting on a 7inch and reading a great blog.

Brandi said...

I've read your blog since the beginning but I've never commented. So here it is.

NachoP said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
NachoP said...

From Uruguay, showing support. Keep it up, it's been great this far.

harold said...

I read everyday. I look about twice just in case. I don't comment because I hate when people comment on here and they try to be as funny or more funny than brendan. It's kind of in respect that I don't comment.

diana mai said...

on the mention of external hard drives, staples is pretty excellent and they have some western digital ones on sale right now:

http://www.staples.com/office/supplies/scd2__BI84153__Supplies_2

personally i went for a thicker 500GB western dig one (it was cheaper - a little over $100) to store mostly photo files and music. i do wish those slim passbook ones had been on sale when i was looking for one though, because i carry mine when i go home back and forth and in addition to a laptop and camera it gets heavy on my shoulders.

Blake said...

I've been reading everyday since October. I feel like a bigger whore than one on ROL.

AlexCanteen said...

I read every day, usually at work (which is a bad thing).
I don't comment because I invariably sound stupid

Mikey said...

Man, it doesn't seem like you're doing bad with comments now that you said something about it. I mean, I only comment occasionally on your blog, but I read every blog and laugh hysterically each time. Not in a bad way. Your thoughts about things just entertain me.

Also, when I have a comment about something in the beginning of reading your blog, I tend to forget by the end of reading it. I don't know if it's because you jump from topic to topic, or if it's because I just think my comments are irrelevant by the end.

Whatever, take care. Keep blogging.

Chris said...

I read your blog--it keeps me occupied in Jersey.

Suzanne said...

I'm too lazy to comment, but I do read and catch up about twice a week.

Luke said...

wa wa

mat is fatt said...

bitchtits

Andrew said...

i read every day. i guess i comment more than most people but that's because I don't give a shit what some kid(s)/man/woman/tranny/robot from california or new brunswick thinks of me.
but as to why other people aren't commenting:
1) a lot of your discussions lately have been pretty simple, as in they don't leave much up for further discussion
2) you haven't answered any advice since the first month so people stopped asking (not that i blame you, some of the questions/situations were downright stupid)

daniel said...

I'm new to your blog. I have read up on you a bit and heard your a huge country music fan. So heres a list for you. Top 25 country artist/bands albums. I'm intrested to hear a punk rawkers view on country music.