a triumphant return to form

Good morning Viet Nam!
Okay…that’s a reference from a movie starring a guy who everyone used to think was funny just because he was coked up but who now everyone thinks is funny just because people USED to think he was funny. He hasn’t done anything worthwhile since Popeye (eh…the Fisher King was pretty cool) but no one seems to realize that. People still think he’s funny, but he NEVER was…he’s like Bruce Willis in that movie with the robot kid. Someday we’ll all look back and go, “holy shit! He was unfunny this whole time!”
Anyway, more advice, eh? I had no idea you people were such wayward lost souls. Okay, fear not, I’m here to set the world right for you and tell you what to think, like, dislike, mock openly and hold unwarranted prejudices against.

Oh, and we’ve gone over this before, but for those of you who are new here, I don’t delete the comments. Any time you see a deleted comment, it’s the person who wrote the comment who has deleted it. I’ve never deleted a comment on here. So there’s that. Whatever. Who cares? On to your depraved shit fetish, diaper wearing, rape fantasy, heroin suppository craving issues:

Q:
One time in college, at a lame Get Up Kids Show (at the time I thought it was pretty awesome though), I met this chick from downstate (ISU to be exact). We hung out the whole night, exchanged phone numbers/IMs and the whole e-communication bag that kids do nowadays. Despite the fact that she lived hours away, I was so into this girl I still cannot believe it.__Anyway, and a long story short - it never worked out and I'm better off for it. She's married now and I almost am and things are good. However, we were pretty good friends for a long time, but that kind of subsided after a few years, but we still keep tabs on each other. __If I were to be in the area she lives in with or without my current significant other, would it be out-of-line to suggest some kind of meet and greet just to say whatsup and chat at some lame coffee house or something? No blowjob exchanges or anything like that.

A:
Wait, What? Where’s the interesting part? Yeah, (hypothetically) hang out with her. Who cares? What’s your girlfriend, six? Who gives a shit? If she doesn’t trust you to hang out with someone you never even banged, you’re in a bad relationship. Get some real problems please. Next.

Q:
OK. So several years ago, while still a raging college student, I developed this insane crush on this girl. I saw her every day for weeks and it made me feel terrible. Whenever she was around my heartrate skyrocketed and I got really stressed out. It felt like I was 10 years old and it was very embarassing. Finally I worked up the nerve to talk to her even though she had a boyfriend. A while later we became friends but I have good reason to believe (in fact, I know) that the attraction was mutual. However, she proceeded to get married to said boyfriend, and then proceeded to get pregnant, which brings us to today.__My question is, how do I resume relations and, uh, go to the next step with said wonderful girl if things, you know, dont work out with the whole marriage thing? Keep in mind that she will probably have a child at this point (I dont really do well with kids, no offense) and she is very Christian (I am not), but not in a bad way. It is a sticky hypothetical situation.

A:
Now, THIS guy has some problems! First guy, take a lesson from this guy. Here’s a dude who has been into a chick (who he also never banged, and I suspect never even removed the bra of) who’s now married with A KID and who has an entirely different belief system than him and he’s trying to figure out the best way to fuck her, if, you know, it doesn’t work out. BUT, he’s not good with kids…Hmmm. That IS a pickle. What in the world should you do?

Okay, listen…I’m not gonna say you’re retarded or anything but have you really looked at the situation here? Obviously not. She got married. She had a kid. Granted, these are subtle, subtle hints, but the clues are there, man. She doesn’t like you. She probably senses you like her and she’s nice in return, which in the ethereal world of non verbal communication sometimes translates to deluded people as “wow, she likes me.” But, she doesn’t, brosephus. Oh, yeah, I know what you’re thinking: “See, you don’t know. That one time at the bar/in the park/in Glen’s basement/when we were driving back from the Chevelle concert she told me she was really attracted to me/ we drunkenly kissed/ she gave me those eyes/ she mentioned something about how her boyfriend was a schlong and then put her hand on my thigh…” Whatever dude. Firstly, there’s no rule with love that all of a sudden, once you’re hooked up with the right person that you’re no longer attracted to other people. IF and that is a BIG IF she is in fact attracted to you, fine. Feel good about yourself. You’re good looking, at least to her. That doesn’t mean she likes you. That doesn’t mean she wants to be your girlfriend. That doesn’t even mean she wants to fuck you. It probably means you’re one of the better looking people out there that still make her feel desirable to the general populace even though she’s beaver deep in a committed relationship.
Look, here’s the sad truth: She MIGHT be attracted to you. She’s more attracted to her husband. You are dealing with a delusion, and EVEN IF I’M TOTALLY WRONG AND SHE’S WAY INTO YOU (not likely) you’d be such an absolute DICK for even planning any sort of contingency plan for once she gets divorced, because man…there’s a kid out there with a very vested interest in those people not getting divorced. You should take your charm and good looks and focus them on some chick who’s married with no kids, or maybe just engaged, or maybe who just has a live in boyfriend. There’s a lot of fish in the sea, man.
Oh, and here’s the last point…She’s a Christian with a kid…being a divorcee MAY trump that, but it sounds to me like she’s probably already given her last blowjob. And it wasn’t to you. Just sayin. Even best case scenario (what’s that? She gets divorced, and the kid dies? I mean…hmmm…that’s not too good either. Hmmm…) you’re not exactly getting the same girl you got all stupid for all those years ago, eh?

Q
whats the best way to get with the hot slutty sorority chicks? i mean obviously alcohol is a factor, but their parties are pretty closed-door type deals here. any suggestions?
A
I’m glad you asked this question…As with all women, slutty sorority girls are attracted to one thing and one thing only. That is confidence. You will need some friends, because no one looks confident standing by themselves at a party. You will need some confidence and you will need to use said confidence in a way that makes you seem relaxed, unconcerned, but vaguely friendly. If you can pull this off (watch that dungeon master Mystery and his greasy sidekick Matador on VH1’s The Pick Up Artist for a retarded-ape’s-guide-to-fucking-off-duty-cocktail-waitresses if you need the most basic of lessons in how not to be terrifying to even the most desperate women) . Here’s another little tip, and this doesn’t always pan out, but it’s worth keeping in mind…If you see a group of girls, forget the pig and forget the super hot one…talk to the one that obviously goes tanning, dyes her hair, has her tits mashed together, she’s probably a little thick and she probably smokes…She’s the one that is the easiest to fuck. She’s insecure so she’s altered everything about her as a message. That message is this “I’m insecure and easy to fuck as a result. Note my orange skin, mashed together tits, fried blonde hair, raspy smokers laugh and proclivity for Goldschlager. What do I have to do? Put a ‘take-a-number’ wheel on my chin?” Yeah…this is a shitty thing to say, but whatever…I didn’t tell her how to present herself. Now, if you’re not confident, you won’t have any more luck fucking her than that Russian drunkard did trying to fuck that raccoon earlier this week (google it), but if you play your cards right, you’ll be sneaking out of her room at four thirty in the morning with your pants over your shoulder and your shoes in your hand before you know it. Good luck. Oh, and as for getting into the parties…I don’t know, start a band or something. Or just walk right in. Confidence works wonders in every scenario, dude. This is major balls level confidence, but if you really truly act like you’re supposed to be somewhere, chances are VERY good that no one will question you.

For the rest of you, I can’t tell you how to pick a beer or why your bandmate doesn’t seem to share your enthusiasm…that’s just not for me to say.
Tomorrow is my last blog for a week, because I’m going to Mexico, so be sure to get your advice questions in, or you’ll be left all week wondering what to do with the dead whore in your laundry room.