Thursday, January 29, 2009

a triumphant return to form

Good morning Viet Nam!
Okay…that’s a reference from a movie starring a guy who everyone used to think was funny just because he was coked up but who now everyone thinks is funny just because people USED to think he was funny. He hasn’t done anything worthwhile since Popeye (eh…the Fisher King was pretty cool) but no one seems to realize that. People still think he’s funny, but he NEVER was…he’s like Bruce Willis in that movie with the robot kid. Someday we’ll all look back and go, “holy shit! He was unfunny this whole time!”
Anyway, more advice, eh? I had no idea you people were such wayward lost souls. Okay, fear not, I’m here to set the world right for you and tell you what to think, like, dislike, mock openly and hold unwarranted prejudices against.

Oh, and we’ve gone over this before, but for those of you who are new here, I don’t delete the comments. Any time you see a deleted comment, it’s the person who wrote the comment who has deleted it. I’ve never deleted a comment on here. So there’s that. Whatever. Who cares? On to your depraved shit fetish, diaper wearing, rape fantasy, heroin suppository craving issues:

Q:
One time in college, at a lame Get Up Kids Show (at the time I thought it was pretty awesome though), I met this chick from downstate (ISU to be exact). We hung out the whole night, exchanged phone numbers/IMs and the whole e-communication bag that kids do nowadays. Despite the fact that she lived hours away, I was so into this girl I still cannot believe it.__Anyway, and a long story short - it never worked out and I'm better off for it. She's married now and I almost am and things are good. However, we were pretty good friends for a long time, but that kind of subsided after a few years, but we still keep tabs on each other. __If I were to be in the area she lives in with or without my current significant other, would it be out-of-line to suggest some kind of meet and greet just to say whatsup and chat at some lame coffee house or something? No blowjob exchanges or anything like that.

A:
Wait, What? Where’s the interesting part? Yeah, (hypothetically) hang out with her. Who cares? What’s your girlfriend, six? Who gives a shit? If she doesn’t trust you to hang out with someone you never even banged, you’re in a bad relationship. Get some real problems please. Next.

Q:
OK. So several years ago, while still a raging college student, I developed this insane crush on this girl. I saw her every day for weeks and it made me feel terrible. Whenever she was around my heartrate skyrocketed and I got really stressed out. It felt like I was 10 years old and it was very embarassing. Finally I worked up the nerve to talk to her even though she had a boyfriend. A while later we became friends but I have good reason to believe (in fact, I know) that the attraction was mutual. However, she proceeded to get married to said boyfriend, and then proceeded to get pregnant, which brings us to today.__My question is, how do I resume relations and, uh, go to the next step with said wonderful girl if things, you know, dont work out with the whole marriage thing? Keep in mind that she will probably have a child at this point (I dont really do well with kids, no offense) and she is very Christian (I am not), but not in a bad way. It is a sticky hypothetical situation.

A:
Now, THIS guy has some problems! First guy, take a lesson from this guy. Here’s a dude who has been into a chick (who he also never banged, and I suspect never even removed the bra of) who’s now married with A KID and who has an entirely different belief system than him and he’s trying to figure out the best way to fuck her, if, you know, it doesn’t work out. BUT, he’s not good with kids…Hmmm. That IS a pickle. What in the world should you do?

Okay, listen…I’m not gonna say you’re retarded or anything but have you really looked at the situation here? Obviously not. She got married. She had a kid. Granted, these are subtle, subtle hints, but the clues are there, man. She doesn’t like you. She probably senses you like her and she’s nice in return, which in the ethereal world of non verbal communication sometimes translates to deluded people as “wow, she likes me.” But, she doesn’t, brosephus. Oh, yeah, I know what you’re thinking: “See, you don’t know. That one time at the bar/in the park/in Glen’s basement/when we were driving back from the Chevelle concert she told me she was really attracted to me/ we drunkenly kissed/ she gave me those eyes/ she mentioned something about how her boyfriend was a schlong and then put her hand on my thigh…” Whatever dude. Firstly, there’s no rule with love that all of a sudden, once you’re hooked up with the right person that you’re no longer attracted to other people. IF and that is a BIG IF she is in fact attracted to you, fine. Feel good about yourself. You’re good looking, at least to her. That doesn’t mean she likes you. That doesn’t mean she wants to be your girlfriend. That doesn’t even mean she wants to fuck you. It probably means you’re one of the better looking people out there that still make her feel desirable to the general populace even though she’s beaver deep in a committed relationship.
Look, here’s the sad truth: She MIGHT be attracted to you. She’s more attracted to her husband. You are dealing with a delusion, and EVEN IF I’M TOTALLY WRONG AND SHE’S WAY INTO YOU (not likely) you’d be such an absolute DICK for even planning any sort of contingency plan for once she gets divorced, because man…there’s a kid out there with a very vested interest in those people not getting divorced. You should take your charm and good looks and focus them on some chick who’s married with no kids, or maybe just engaged, or maybe who just has a live in boyfriend. There’s a lot of fish in the sea, man.
Oh, and here’s the last point…She’s a Christian with a kid…being a divorcee MAY trump that, but it sounds to me like she’s probably already given her last blowjob. And it wasn’t to you. Just sayin. Even best case scenario (what’s that? She gets divorced, and the kid dies? I mean…hmmm…that’s not too good either. Hmmm…) you’re not exactly getting the same girl you got all stupid for all those years ago, eh?

Q
whats the best way to get with the hot slutty sorority chicks? i mean obviously alcohol is a factor, but their parties are pretty closed-door type deals here. any suggestions?
A
I’m glad you asked this question…As with all women, slutty sorority girls are attracted to one thing and one thing only. That is confidence. You will need some friends, because no one looks confident standing by themselves at a party. You will need some confidence and you will need to use said confidence in a way that makes you seem relaxed, unconcerned, but vaguely friendly. If you can pull this off (watch that dungeon master Mystery and his greasy sidekick Matador on VH1’s The Pick Up Artist for a retarded-ape’s-guide-to-fucking-off-duty-cocktail-waitresses if you need the most basic of lessons in how not to be terrifying to even the most desperate women) . Here’s another little tip, and this doesn’t always pan out, but it’s worth keeping in mind…If you see a group of girls, forget the pig and forget the super hot one…talk to the one that obviously goes tanning, dyes her hair, has her tits mashed together, she’s probably a little thick and she probably smokes…She’s the one that is the easiest to fuck. She’s insecure so she’s altered everything about her as a message. That message is this “I’m insecure and easy to fuck as a result. Note my orange skin, mashed together tits, fried blonde hair, raspy smokers laugh and proclivity for Goldschlager. What do I have to do? Put a ‘take-a-number’ wheel on my chin?” Yeah…this is a shitty thing to say, but whatever…I didn’t tell her how to present herself. Now, if you’re not confident, you won’t have any more luck fucking her than that Russian drunkard did trying to fuck that raccoon earlier this week (google it), but if you play your cards right, you’ll be sneaking out of her room at four thirty in the morning with your pants over your shoulder and your shoes in your hand before you know it. Good luck. Oh, and as for getting into the parties…I don’t know, start a band or something. Or just walk right in. Confidence works wonders in every scenario, dude. This is major balls level confidence, but if you really truly act like you’re supposed to be somewhere, chances are VERY good that no one will question you.

For the rest of you, I can’t tell you how to pick a beer or why your bandmate doesn’t seem to share your enthusiasm…that’s just not for me to say.
Tomorrow is my last blog for a week, because I’m going to Mexico, so be sure to get your advice questions in, or you’ll be left all week wondering what to do with the dead whore in your laundry room.

34 comments:

bombadepanico said...

what part of mexico you going to?

Mike said...

I can't tell you how much I look forward to reading your blogs every morning. Best advice ever.

Mike said...

Here's the deal. I'm going down to Tampa,Florida the first week of March, and need to know
A. If you know any good tattoo places there and
B. Where I should get my Lawrence Arms tattoo? other than the obvious places such as my dong.

blank tapes, said...

so recently I've started sucking at drinking, I blackout or just skip drunk and go straight to wasted. The problem is my alcohol tolerance is so high, that I kind of have to drink a ridiculous amount. What can I do to avoid all the memory loss and terrible hangovers?

Seagull Steve said...

Brendan, that was a good answer (to my Christian child-bearing question). I couldnt of said it better myself, I feel lucky that at least I wasnt very serious about plotting all this.....but I guess everyone comes across a bit creepier and demented on the internet.

Funny shit......yes "the best case scenario" is pretty gruesome.

Showtyme said...

If there's more advice coming I'd like to get in on that...

So, back in the college days I lived with this dude for 3 years ('03-'06). I sort of introduced him to his woman in '04 and she moved in and lived with us for a year and a half ('05-06). Then we graduated and I moved home. They moved in together, just the two of them. We didn't talk as much 'cuz we lived 2 hours apart. Just last year they got married, and I wasn't invited. So, question time, am I just being a girl by being pissed I wasn't invited to the wedding, or do I have legit reasons? And if I do have legit reasons, do I say something to the dude, or just try and let it go?

aaronsuspect said...

Ok, speaking of confidence, what do you say to someone who's a very confident person ASIDE from speaking to women? It's a horrible situation I've got goin' on here. When it comes to my life or music or whatever, I tell people like it is. And around women I'm insanely awkward. Maybe because I haven't had a romantic interest in 2 years, and am losing what little skill I might've had, and I'm only 20. And don't tell me to watch The Pick Up Artist, haha.

Eric said...

god damn this blog is good stuff. I can unequivocally confirm brendans constant reminder that confidence is key to all your lady troubles. The man knows his shit. He knows how to effectively communicate his perspective. Its always a rewarding experience to venture to my bookmarks and wander here. BK you sir are not a mere mortal.

Showtyme...I know your asking BK and this advice was not requested but I think you should let that go. It was a dick move on their part but you will get no where calling them on their shit. Some people have to trim guest lists for financial reasons! Maybe it wasnt personal at all. I dont know. Just my two cents.

myassisapipebomb said...

1. is it possible to graduate from college smoking weed everyday if you have a 3.3 at loyola?
2. why don't you try to get a VH1 show instead of the dildo's that already have them? you could bring glue huffing sluts on the road with you and film all that filthy anal poundage.
3. what are some creative ways to make those dumb bimbo's with fried hair and gross skin feel insecure about who they are?

paco! said...

blank tapes, i'm having the same problem!! i've been drinking mostly beer, i'm gonna try going back to whiskey and vodka and see if the problem works itself out that way. maybe we should get some sparks or something...

Eric said...

What should I do with the dead whore in my laundry room?

Capt Murdock said...

I was in college and my roommate was a really reserved type of guy During our sophmore year he started dating this really wild girl and I assumed it would go nowhere. Anyway on New Year's Eve they made this video. She was pretty wild in it and he was utterly embarrassing. I mean he was spouting off about how much he loved her while she was rubbing up on him like Baloo with an itch. I stumbled upon the tape a few weeks later and naturally dubbed it onto the end credits of "The Last Temptation of Christ"

Over the next few years I proceeded to show this tape to EVERYONE I could with the assumption they would eventually break up. Well they got married and I was the best man. Roughly 73% of their wedding guests had seen them engage in the physical act of love because of me.

Flash forward to last weekend when I get a call from a buddy saying that after a few beers he may have told my ex-roommate about "The Last Temptation of Christ". I still get together with my ex-roommate a few times a year so I can't completely cut him off but I'm kinda wary about giving him a call now. What do I do?

Craig said...

Dear Brendan Kelly,

You are cool.

everyoneiskindofhappy said...

What should I do about the dead whore in Eric's laundry room?

duck duck JOOSE! said...

I have a sticky situation on my hands so to speak. I recently visited my ex at her dorm where she and i and her roommate watched terrible VH1 reality shows (I believe the show was TOOL academy, they had to fill me in on the point of it). Anyway, her roommate went into a slumber and the ex started to grope me. Now, I dumped this girl twice and I just couldn't start a relationship with her again I'd feel just awful. So, I did what I think anyone would do in the situation and groped back, now by groped I mean more like fondled her breasts (seriously you should see them). I left after awhile of this play, and was able to sneak out without having kissed her. Was this wrong of me? She is clearly not over me, now to my second problem. I have a date tonight with another girl, who I may or may not have much in common with. Let's just say her favorite band is Brand New. If this date does not end up with me in a tongue hockey match and/or very uninterested in her what do I do about this?

cornicula said...

Brendan, I'm going on a road trip by myself to see the Don Giovanni Showcase in Hoboken, NJ next Friday for For Science's last show. Can you give me any tips for making the 13 hour drive from Chicago to there less painful? Thanks.

I really like your blog.

phil lewago said...

im a home brewer and wanted to make a brendan kelly signature brew in recognition of just how great a person you are.. what style of beer would be most appropriate. we could even give it a great name like " mr. kellys' felched squirl ale". i know this isn't as urgent as asking advice on how to get my girlfriend to engage in a super hot night of bukkakkee with the water polo team, but any adice would be great. and you'd get free booze so really it's a win win

simmons said...

HaHa jokes on you. i didnt put the dead whore in the laundry room, i put the bitch in the NEIGHBORS laundry room. let them deal with it now.

Suzanne said...

Dear Aunty Brendan.

I'm female, 31, attractive enough, but not enough to qualify as "super hot". I don't tan or frizz or any of that retarded shit though.

I've been celibate for about a year by choice because I got tired of really crappy men, and really crappy sex, usually one with the other.. However, a year without balling is lame, and I'd quite like to get laid. Where or how do I find guys that (a) don't smell weird (b) don't suck in bed (c) can at least treat me like a human being instead of some potentially clingy leper later. I really need a friends with benefits sort of situation, but I've not lived here long enough to find any friends I really want to fuck, and one night stands seem to assume that a friend relationship is like, the women's backdoor to getting married, and tend to just treat me like shit at some point later, so I get irritated.

Of course, ideally, monogamy is great, but since I'm having no luck finding that, is it really too much to ask to get some half decent fucking every now and again? Or should I just give up?

PS. Naked pics in yer email if I get a decent response. Maybe.

Matt Ramone said...

Bren, I need some cereal advice. What's the best way to get noticed by a musician turned blogger? I mean in the sense that you create a problem out of nothing in order to feel noticed by said entertainer, who you may feel warm feelings for.

Andrew said...

wow that shit was hilarious. walk right in. d'oh! of course that's what i'm going to do. now on to finding out where said parties are...i've got connections. no problem.

Showtyme said...

Eric... Good call on the financial shit. Like the idiot I am, I hadn't thought of that. Guess you can skip my question BK, I got a pretty good answer from a fellow reader... Don't be sad though, I still love you!

Ryan said...

Dear Mr. Kelly

I find that I am currently in several sexual relationships, these girls don't know about each other, but that's not really the problem. Its more of a purely sexual thing with these girls, "fuck buddies" if you will. The problem is; not one out of these three girls I find myself regularly having sex with will perform fellatio. Now call me crazy, but those odds don't seem kosher, I suppose this must be gods way of telling me I'm a bastard, and it sucks. So I was wondering if you have any tricks/tips/magic words that can help me out. I've tried everything I know including but not limited to: getting them rip roaring retarded, asking nicely, asking repeatedly, and just thrusting my junk in their face. What the hell do I need to do!?!?

Rumble Radio said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Rumble Radio said...

I love dick jokes but seem to have run out. Can you give me some good ones? I enjoy all facets of dick jokes, especially small dick jokes to use on asshole frat dudes. You'll of course, get credit for any of the ones I use. Cheers!

The Bryant said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
The Bryant said...

Back to felching please, you went an entire blog without bringing it up. So people using a straw in the felching process - that's not how you do it! Do you drink beer with a straw? Wait wait...this is BK's blog. Brendan...can you please yell at the non-felching puppy dogs please? Even if you just mention it's a good jaw work out for 6th graders...please?

-Bryant

Saulio SBJ 123 said...

@Matt Ramone, yeah I'm trying to get Tom Gabel's attention also.

Brenden said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Brenden said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Wayne Michael said...

watch out for those crazy ass drug cartels down there in mexico. They befriend you by blowing a whistle and pouring tequila down your face and the next thing you know you are kidnapped and a pawn in the drug war... but im sure youre going somewhere way more classy than TJ.

Since everyone is going to be all bored out of their minds during your hiatus check this out. I found this site mentioned in some book i was reading and the pictures are fucking classic. I dont work for em or anything, i just found it quite entertaining.

http://www.hotchickswithdouchebags.com/

Anthony said...

dear BK,
How do I break it to my friend that the music that hes has been making sucks?

nancy said...

MattRamone, I enjoy your antics here, as well as on the org.

Angiepants said...

Dude, fuck you, Death To Smoochy is pure genius.