Friday, January 30, 2009

last day of this bullshit for a week! Here's your advice, you depraved fucks!

Okay, not much time and lots of advice, I want to get to all the good shit today, because tomorrow I go to Mexico for a week. So, without further ado:


Q:
This is question that my mates and I have been debating for a while, i think there is a simple answer, but it seems impossible to reach a consensus.
Wha would you rather?

A Brutally, Savage unepected, hell on earth for the next three hours Raping

OR

Aides

GIVEN...theres always a chance the person who rapes you, might give you aides?

A:
Aides? Aides? How cute. This guy is from Australia, and of course he’s referring to the Aussie version of AIDS. You’d think, since we all speak English, that a disease based on a medical acronym would be the same in both places…but that’s the funny thing…it’s a whole different disease. AIDS is caused by infected blood, usually due to using needles or penises recklessly. “Aides” is a feisty little bugger caused by sneaking too many sugar crisps right before nighty night. So, yeah…I guess aides. Unless I’ve got this all wrong and you’re referring to study aides…then I’d pick the raping, because I hated college.

Q:
so recently I've started sucking at drinking, I blackout or just skip drunk and go straight to wasted. The problem is my alcohol tolerance is so high, that I kind of have to drink a ridiculous amount. What can I do to avoid all the memory loss and terrible hangovers?

A:
Get younger. Or quit drinking so much.

Q:
I was in college and my roommate was a really reserved type of guy During our sophmore year he started dating this really wild girl and I assumed it would go nowhere. Anyway on New Year's Eve they made this video. She was pretty wild in it and he was utterly embarrassing. I mean he was spouting off about how much he loved her while she was rubbing up on him like Baloo with an itch. I stumbled upon the tape a few weeks later and naturally dubbed it onto the end credits of "The Last Temptation of Christ"__Over the next few years I proceeded to show this tape to EVERYONE I could with the assumption they would eventually break up. Well they got married and I was the best man. Roughly 73% of their wedding guests had seen them engage in the physical act of love because of me.__Flash forward to last weekend when I get a call from a buddy saying that after a few beers he may have told my ex-roommate about "The Last Temptation of Christ". I still get together with my ex-roommate a few times a year so I can't completely cut him off but I'm kinda wary about giving him a call now. What do I do?

A:
Great question…See people, this is a GOOD advice letter. All the trappings, sex, betrayal, real, honest question. You all could learn a thing or two from this dude.
Okay, down to it: What do you do? Why do you care? You obviously have no respect for this guy. I mean, you can shine up a fistful of shit and put it in a tie and sit it next to Angelina Jolie at the SAG awards, but it’s still a fistful of shit. And no matter what your excuses are, no matter what your justifications, this is a totally unacceptable move. You snuck through his shit, found a tape of him and his old lady having sex and then copied it for yourself and THEN showed it to people??? Any one of those things by themselves is totally fucked up, dude. Fuck yeah the guy’s gonna be pissed. I’d fucking KILL you if I was him. Just chalk it up to this, you’re an asshole, and if that guy ever comes up and punches you in the face, no matter what the situation is, he’s right and you’re wrong.

On a side note, when he was about fourteen, my little brother unwittingly came into possession of a tape of his friend’s PARENTS having sex. He just thought he was stealing a studio made porn from his friends dad’s stash…Nope. He got the mother (and father) load. The mom spends a great deal of time with a dildo up her ass. I’ve seen it. It’s great.

Q
im a home brewer and wanted to make a brendan kelly signature brew in recognition of just how great a person you are.. what style of beer would be most appropriate. we could even give it a great name like " mr. kellys' felched squirl ale". i know this isn't as urgent as asking advice on how to get my girlfriend to engage in a super hot night of bukkakkee with the water polo team, but any adice would be great. and you'd get free booze so really it's a win win

A
Not really a question, but I like your style. I like light lagers and ales and pilsners…anything light, really. I’m talking flavor, here, people, not calories. Nothing with squirrels please, but yes, thank you, I’d love a beer. The water polo team are a bunch of queers and unless your girlfriend has a penis, her bukakke dreams are unrealizable. Sorry

Q:
Dear Aunty Brendan.__I'm female, 31, attractive enough, but not enough to qualify as "super hot". I don't tan or frizz or any of that retarded shit though.__I've been celibate for about a year by choice because I got tired of really crappy men, and really crappy sex, usually one with the other.. However, a year without balling is lame, and I'd quite like to get laid. Where or how do I find guys that (a) don't smell weird (b) don't suck in bed (c) can at least treat me like a human being instead of some potentially clingy leper later. I really need a friends with benefits sort of situation, but I've not lived here long enough to find any friends I really want to fuck, and one night stands seem to assume that a friend relationship is like, the women's backdoor to getting married, and tend to just treat me like shit at some point later, so I get irritated.__Of course, ideally, monogamy is great, but since I'm having no luck finding that, is it really too much to ask to get some half decent fucking every now and again? Or should I just give up?_

A:
Hey, if I could answer this one I’d be the richest man alive…How do you find someone to bang who you get along with that’s decent in bed that doesn’t have weird issues that get in the way, that’s pleasant to be around? Well, I don’t know, but I’ll tell you what you should do if you find them: Marry their ass. This is a TALL order. Think about the highschool class equation. In anyone’s given class, from ANYONE’S perspective, there are probably about 3 really great people, ten people who are pretty decent, another ten you can deal with and everyone else is a TOTAL bag of shit, right? This ratio holds true in every circumstance, even the act of trying to find someone to stimulate your genitals. It’s hard. Most people have issues/suck in bed/are assholes. I will say though, your best bet is to be social, diversify where you spend your time and keep an open mind. Sitting at the same bar with the same losers will result in a long line of the same exact kind of dudes fucking you the exact same kind of poorly. Go to events, shows, plays, galleries, food classes, the racetrack, the baseball game whatever…even if you think that shit sucks…try some variety. It’s the kind of thing that’s good for you anyway, it’ll make you more well rounded, expand your circle of potential wangs and ultimately make you more attractive to higher caliber people, simply because you’re more interesting than the bitch who just sits at the bar and only talks about facebook. Good luck.

Q
Dear Mr. Kelly__I find that I am currently in several sexual relationships, these girls don't know about each other, but that's not really the problem. Its more of a purely sexual thing with these girls, "fuck buddies" if you will. The problem is; not one out of these three girls I find myself regularly having sex with will perform fellatio. Now call me crazy, but those odds don't seem kosher, I suppose this must be gods way of telling me I'm a bastard, and it sucks. So I was wondering if you have any tricks/tips/magic words that can help me out. I've tried everything I know including but not limited to: getting them rip roaring retarded, asking nicely, asking repeatedly, and just thrusting my junk in their face. What the hell do I need to do!?!?

A
Wash your dick/balls.

Q
Well I have a best guy friend and recently we became more than friends. After we said that we loved each other, he backed away though and I guess got scared. Now we don't even act the same as best friends anymore and he is always talking to ugly sluts. So I guess my question is why are guys so scared of the perfect girl for them and would rather waste their time with stupid sluts?

A
I’m guessing you’re young. You and he are looking for different things. Once you start to bone, things, friendships change. It’s like sprinkling salt in water. You can’t just decide you don’t like the new salty water and take the salt out…what’s done is done. He’s a young guy who’s been bolstered by confidence thanks to being able to bang (or feel up or whatever) a girl who’s close to him…so like it or not, he’s found that he’s more confident, and therefore more able to attract other girls. You were probably not looking to bolster his confidence and send him out on the prowl, but he clearly was not looking for what you were either. Why would dudes rather waste their time with stupid sluts? Easy, they fuck you, they blow you and then, when you move on to other stupid sluts, they just move on to other asshole guys.

Q
I've known this chick for like 8 or 9 years, we're pretty close friend. After all these years I sure as hell don't want to date her or anything (boring) like that. She lives a few hours away now. Lately she's been talking to me online a lot about fucking. Not fucking ME, per se, but she talks about how lately, she's really horny and needs lots of dicks. If I were an idiot, I'd say she keeps bringing it up because she wants to bone me, but I'm not an idiot so I know she only talks to me about cock because she looks at me as a friend whose opinion she values. But, being that I'm a guy, I want to get on that, and this slutty juncture in her life would be the perfect time to do so, no? How do I plant the seed that fucking her best guy friend next time he visits might be a great idea?

A
Get drunk, get her drunk and just go for it. If she’s talking to you about fucking, she’s at the very least trying to get you to think about her fucking…if not fucking you. You have nothing to lose. But be courteous. “she looks at me as a friend whose opinion she values”. Heh. What are you, sixty?

Q
Alright so, I just slept with this guy for the first time. The chemistry is really great and things were going well. I was semi-drunk so I don't remember all the details but after we were done I realized he didn't come. I asked him to make sure and he said he just doesn't come during sex. He can during blow jobs but never during sex. This is bugging the shit out of me. I brought it up to him again yesterday and he said it has nothing to do with me, it's all him. He says it's extremely rare for him to get off. He says he enjoys sex and has a crazy libido but the stars just have to be aligned for it to work.

Not to be conceited but I know what I'm doing when it comes to the dick. So my question to you is this- is this common? Is this totally psychological? Is this even a big deal? I think maybe I am blowing (no pun intended) this out of proportion but it is just really bugging me and I don't know if it's something I want to deal with. I care about the guy getting off more than myself and I think if this problem were to continue it would cause us both a lot of frustration. This is a relatively new relationship and I don't know if it's worth ending over this but I also don't know if it's worth getting too involved if this guy has mental problems. What do you think?

Other possibly important info, he had 4 or 5 drinks, was wearing a condom, and it lasted i'm guessing 20-25 minutes.

A:
Okay, good question. This actually isn’t that uncommon…Lots of guys have this uh…syndrome as a hangover from when they were teenagers and couldn’t really get condoms or birth control, but didn’t want to deny themselves the brave new world of pussy that was suddenly available. Solution: Don’t come in the pussy…come in the mouth. This is predicated on necessity, the fear of god, the fear of parents, pregnancy, and some dumb asses who think that disease can’t be transmitted without jizz..whatever the reason, lots and lots of guys trained themselves in their sexually formative years to only be able to come while whacking off/getting a beej/ peeking in through the crack in the girls shower. So don’t be hard on yourself. This guy is just dick deep in a psychological mindfuck brought about by his basic survival instinct all wrapped up in his libido. How do you fix it? Well, I’d suggest a few things…get your asses tested, get on the pill, talk dirty and talk dirty some more. Beg him for it…that should set him straight.
If that’s more of a commitment than you want to make, ditch his ass and I’ll have a contest here to see how many dudes would write an essay to see you coax a load out of them, using nothing but your vagina/ass. They’re definitely out there…


Q
so, as an avid porn watcher and connoisseur (god bless spell check), i've gotten to thinking - maybe my boner is curved a little too upward. i think it comes from me constantly getting boners in class and pulling the whole 'superbad' boner waistband up-tuck (which i invented YEARS ago, thank you). do you think if i, ya know, over time, kind of kneaded my boner downward, it would eventually start getting back to being a nice straight boner? thanks for your help

A
If you think you invented that move, I’ve got some news for you, man…the cave men were turning their boners up in their pelts before chicks even stopped looking like monkeys. That shit is as old as time, and fuck Superbad for having the GALL to suggest that that’s any sort of new innovation. To answer your question: no dude. That’s the way your dick looks. I bet your dad has the same one. Don’t you know your Darwin? It’s not from whacking off…It’s just not.


Okay, good luck out there. If I didn’t answer your question, it was terrible…Sorry. Have a good week and I’ll talk to you when I’m back from Mexico.
XOXOXOXO

11 comments:

Candice said...

you are really good at this advice shit. sue johanson has nothing on you. except possibly being better at putting a condom on with her mouth. but i've only seen her do that so it's not fair to judge.

Chris said...

BK, you are some sort of super genius demi-god.. Have fun in Mexico!

Casey said...

"what are you, sixty?"

unreal.

Eric said...

to the girl whos guy cant cum...depression does that. alternatively narcotics do that to me. I dont know anyone who can will away orgasms! bk has a magical perspective as always.

bk-enjoy your trip! im already shaking from withdraw from this blog.

that dude chris is a fuckin asshole. haha jk

Mike said...

This is for the girl who asked about why her boyfriend didn't ejaculate after sex. There could be other reasons, but what jumped to my mind immediately is that he is on some type of antidepressant. Sexual malfunction is a semi-common side effect.

martin* said...

“she looks at me as a friend whose opinion she values”. Heh. What are you, sixty?


That is golden!!!

tonedeff said...

http://www.mitchclem.com/nothingnice/196/

This reminded me of you, in a way.

Craig said...

Brendan I miss you!

Eric said...

im with craig!

Nina said...

I'm with Craig too

Mikey said...

I hope you don't look too much like one o' us Canadians while you're in Mexico or else that entry will have been your last...Scary place that Mexico is.