Friday, January 16, 2009

Well, do you? Punk?

Well fuck a duck, man. It’s even colder today than yesterday. Today, our thermometer on the porch said negative twenty five. That’s fucking impossible, right? Who makes thermometers that go down to negative twenty five? I don’t have a lot of time today. I’m late, so let me just point out one quick thing that’s been bothering me lately.
Gran Torino
Okay, you’ve all seen the trailers, right? You’ve probably all seen the movie, as I’m hearing the shit’s huge. It’s essentially about some mean, shitty gangbangers, some other kids with hearts of gold stuck hanging with the wrong crowd, and a grumpy, racist old man who’s gonna show everybody who’s boss, and in what I hope was a fit of satirical genius (but, I really don’t think it was), the old man in the trailer ACTUALLY SAYS “get off my lawn.” Fuck, man, you can’t write that shit. Well, in this case you can, but you can’t make up how completely deluded Clint Eastwood has become. Okay:
He was a bad ass leading man for what, thirty years? That’s enough to make anyone think they’re awesome, and let’s not be total snarky internet dicks, Clint was pretty fucking awesome. He’s got that whole ‘chicks want to blow me, dudes want to be me, terrorists and (the other kind of) Indians and gangsters want to kill me,’ but nope. None of that shit’s happening (except the blowjobs, probably). Why? Because I’m Clint fucking Eastwood. The world was down with it.
THEN he started directing movies, and beyond Midnight in the garden of good and evil, he’s had a pretty insane career as a director. He’s won tons of Oscars, been nominated for more. The guy is pretty much unstoppable. You know how many times he’s had some tagalong sycophant sidekick dildo indulge one of his dumb ideas? More times than I’ve taken a dump in my life. At this point, everything that guy says has to be interpreted as potentially brilliant…”Okay, listen up. I’m making a movie about a lady boxer who dies. Very, very sad. Hopeless. Soul crushing. You in?” Doesn’t sound that good, but hey, Clint pulled it off, man. He even convinced some motherfuckers to let him put out an album where he sings…No one even called bullshit on that, because it’s kind of a ‘oh, look at the old man and his little pet project’ type of thing. It didn’t have to be good. It’s a novelty, and that’s fine. The world was down with it.
Now, with this new movie, he’s gone too far. What’s the premise? “Hey, you know who the most terrifying, bad ass, hard boiled, tough mother fuckers are? Old ass men. Let’s get some kids standing on his lawn and just watch him go off.”
What’s the climax? They hit a ball onto his roof? Put some dogshit in a bag and set it on fire on his porch? I mean seriously, Clint? Dude, you’re old. No one is afraid of old people….okay, that’s totally wrong. EVERYONE is afraid of old people, but, like in the same way they’re scared of bugs or skeletons, or dogshit on a stick. They try to touch you sometimes, they remind you of death and they smell strange and look gross and are dripping, respectively. BUT, not since the Firm (with Wilford Brimley impossibly cast as an ass whupping senior citizen lawyer who can take out a young tom cruise in a fist fight) has Hollywood made such a monumental miscalculation about the potential of an old ass man to seem like a dangerous badass. Just because that old man is clint eastwood doesn’t’ make it any different. He’s still an old man. He’s yelling ‘get off my lawn’ at kids. That’s what Mr. Wilson yells at Dennis the Menace. That’s what the hobo who invented itchy and scratchy yells at Bart and Lisa. It’s completely refuting the idea that the old man (and I’m referring to both character and director here) is any sort of dynamic badass. He’s the classic old man, that shakes his fist and gets off his belt to show the kids how they did it in the old days just to watch his pants fall down around his ankles and the kids laugh their asses off at his sock garters and gigantic yellow underpants.
Anyway, you get the idea. Nice try eastwood. Can’t wait until you’re dead and making zombie movies.

30 comments:

Brian said...

wait hold on...did you even see the movie?

How are you gonna bitch about Clint Eastwood and Gran Torino without even watching the movie? gg

Showtyme said...

I've never been an Eastwood fan. He's always seemed like a pretentious dick.

Katie said...

Thanks for the rant, I thought i was the only one who was thinking this...

mat is fatt said...

showtyme....gran torino only reinforces that label. you read my mind

timziegler said...

You obviously haven't met Paul Kersey.

Manny Los Gatos said...

Cheese isn't illegal.

Matt Ramone said...

New song is great.

And lay off the crystal meth.

Bryant said...

Not one of your best blogs, but yesterdays was terrific. Just fantastic! Eastwood is like Shaq. Just quit, you're not very good anymore.

Now, I'm going to be random here but listen up please:
I've been very fond of Gold Bond Medicated Powder on my sack. Will you try it out and let us know in a blog how it feels? THE POWDER, NOT THE LOTION! Don't put it on tho if you plan on getting some play.

michael michael motorcycle said...

What you don't know is, after he says, "Get off my lawn!" there's a big dance number afterwards with all the asian teenagers. Dude, Clint could make a film pumping gas while going over his list of chores for the day and half the sycophantic critics in this country would hail it as a "Gritty, American Masterpiece!"

Fuck...

Kevin said...

Brendan, how can you judge this movie without even seeing it? Had you watched it you would have understood the character more, not to mention the plot. He's not just some grumpy old man. You should see this movie. It was really good. I would be grumpy too if my fat grandkids wore a lions jersey to a funeral mass.

John F. said...

I saw Gran Torino (for free) recently, and actually, I liked it. I hadn't seen any trailers for it, and I can't imagine one that would have actually sold the movie worth a damn. But the ending was pretty brutal.

kylewagoner said...

Ehh...I agreed with your views on the old man on the pourch cliche while watching the trailer the first time, but I saw the trailer that they show in the theatres, so it's not a bull shit 30-second trailer...they drag it out for like 2 minutes. Like they even made that movie "Notorious" look like something I'd feel like watching, but I know it's not. So I'm not going to be able to agree with you until I see it for myself, which I may. The follow-up after the "get off my lawn" kind of made it seem like...I don't know...like it was supposed to be a cliche (in that he acts like a typical stereotypical old man) and then he's shown the light and beats the hell out of some Asian gang trying to beat up on the neighbors. Whatever. I'm pretty sure he's going to shit gold again.

michael michael motorcycle said...

Guys take down your pitchforks and boards-with-giant-nails-stick-out-of-them. Brendan's just knocking the PREMISE of the film--and it is silly. Any
Gang in a major metropolitan area being bested by a 70-something man is a little tenuous with the ole suspension of disbelief. Maybe using little asian people makes it easier?

Zac said...

this movie looks badass. who doesn't hate punk ass kids driving around in shitty hondas? i'd love to see clint eastwood stick it to them.

also- bryant, shaq totally still rules. what the fuck are you talking about? do you even watch the suns play?

Tony said...

Yeah this movie looks all kinds of lame.

Alex said...

Clint Eastwood was the "man with no name". i still wouldn't fuck with him even if he does have one foot in the grave.

And i saw you have Taxi Driver and Dog Day Afternoon in your favorite movies. Did you see Righteous Kill? For the DeNiro and the Pacino, it should've been so much more rowdy. thoughts?

Saulio SBJ 123 said...

I know this is a couple days late for Rock of Love, but someone you probably don't care about that makes hip hop beats wrote (what I perceive as) a funny "blog" about all the shitty TV shows ruining America.

http://www.definitivejux.net/news/995

Jason said...

Alright I saw this movie and I have to agree somewhat, the fact that this happened in Detroit is more appauling. Being as I'm from that area that wouldn't have went down they woulda drove by his house at midnight shooting the shit out of it, after they got the wrong house 4 times of course. I get the old he's a bad ass thing, he always was a bad ass and the fact is I can believe the story because these were some fake ass gangsters in the movie. So that's what happens, all in all its a good movie but in real life it aint going down like that especially around here.

Andrew said...

ok brendan. i put up with your rant against leon. besides the fact thats one of my favorite movies I let it slide. You're a cool guy after all and I agree with a lot of things you say.

But don't do this. I just saw Gran Torino in theaters for the 2nd time tonight. I loved it. It was funny, and it had a good story. What do you need to make a movie better than that? The guy goes by the textbook and it works every time. Hell, clint WROTE the textbook.
i'm gonna have to tell you to fuck off on this one. Watch the movie for yourself before you judge it.

Now before everyone spazzes out on me, I just want to add a disclaimer: you are all entitled to your own opinion. If you don't like it that's fine. I'm just saying don't knock it until you try it.

Scott Juniper. said...

"don't do this". HAHAHAHAHA.

Zac said...

ok. just watched it. it fucking rules. don't be so misled by trailers. the movie IS ABOUT how he is a feeble old man. the ending revolves around that.

it's so good. relevant and touching and pretty funny sometimes.

Zac said...

seriously so good. anyone with a heart and brain will like it.

Sam O. Russo said...

Armed with his finger gun, he's out to shove priests and ruin his own birthday party. Looks like a cracker.

Luke said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Luke said...

also, I love Clint Eastwood.

Troy said...

WHERE'S THE CONTINUING SAGA OF YOUR WORKING ENVIRONMENTS KELLY WHERE IS IT

Also I'm a huge fan of Wild West movies, so basically I'm a sucker for Clint Eastwood. Sorry.

Eric said...

Gran Torino was a great movie, so this entry sucks.

Righteous Kill was a terrible fucking movie. Why would anybody want to discuss such a gigantic piece of shit?

Also, I believe the saga's over. Unless I'm mistaken, the last part of the saga ended with the current bartending position.

Michael said...

Hey brendan,
The movie is about passing the generational torch and overcoming racism, and Eastwood uses his character as a paradigm of the "old-school" philosophy in order to further make the point that his generation is steeped in a racial heritage that even Eastwood's character ultimately would like to see become more healthy for posterity's sake.

But I'm sure it's a "darn you kids!" flick, like Big Momma's House.

martin* said...

Holy, after your little whinge about no comments you are being inundated with fans :)

Top work

johnny tainted. said...

i have never heard of this movie before.
but based on how many people seem to like it, i guess i´ll have to download it.