Tuesday, January 20, 2009

ding dong, the hillbilly's unemployed.

Man, that was about the best MLK day I’ve ever spent. Racially diverse? You bet your dicks/cunts it was! I’ve never had such fun…and you know what today is? That’s right, black president day! Man, if it wasn’t for all the institutionalized racism, completely fucked racially based caste system we have in this country and you know, blah blah blah, it would really be a top notch week for black folks, huh? Oh well.
Man, I’m in such a good mood, I erased my tirade about how stupid you turds are for missing the point entirely regarding Clint Eastwood, but without getting too deep into it, let’s just say that I’m allowed to say a movie looks stupid without saying it’s a bad movie, and I’m allowed to say a movie looks stupid without seeing a movie. That’s acceptable. Let me take you back to the previous century to give you all an example that maybe you can relate to:

“Hey, did you see the previews for that new Star Wars movie, Episode one?”
“Yeah dude, that shit looks awesome!”
“Not so fast, dickhead! I’ve seen the movie and it sucks, so just stop right there. Don’t you dare tell me how you perceive the movie based on the trailers that everyone is stuffing up your ass until you’ve seen it. Until then, you’re just wrong.”

But see, that’s not wrong. Our buddy here is allowed to say the movie looks awesome. I mean, fuck, that movie LOOKED awesome. It’s not, don’t mistake me here. But it’s not wrong for a person to have an opinion based on the trailer. In a similar way, Clint Eastwood’s dumb movie looks terrible, regardless of how it plays out. But hey, that’s all under the bridge now, crybabies, so let’s just move on.
Today is a day to reflect on Martin Luther King day and to look forward to Barack Obama night. Yesterday, as I mentioned earlier, I had a race relations packed day. It could all probably be best summed up by my trip to CostCo.
Okay, so CostCo is a gigantic warehouse that sells shit in bulk. It’s horrifyingly overwhelming and being in there is like being on the deck of a massive ship in a storm, in a drunken fight with giant products. I never thought I’d be a part of the Costco crowd, but here I am finding that suddenly I need a thousand diapers at a time, so, what’s a daddy to do, right? Anyway, Costco is all business. It makes the post office look like a fucking day spa. The people there don’t really fuck around, there’s no decoration…it is, in every way, exactly where I imagine Winston going to buy his Victory gin in 1984. Totally creepy…all this is neither here nor there, I’m just painting a picture.
The items are huge at Costco, so for every cashier, there’s some guy there to corral the big stuff and get it rung up. In our line, that was a guy named Alvin. Alvin was black, probably about 25 and had a tattoo on his neck that I couldn’t read. He seemed like a nice enough dude, I suppose. I mean, if I had his job I’d be punching motherfuckers, so, I guess what I’m saying is, he was holding it together, and he seemed like he knew the guy behind us in line, who was a grey bearded Dwight Schrute type guy who was buying a dutch apple pie.
Here’s the conversation (keep in mind, this was on MLK day)
Dwight: Happy Birthday
Alvin: Man, my birthday is a long way off.
Dwight: No, everyone’s celebrating their birthdays today…At least everyone with any little bit of soul. (wink wink)
Alvin: oh…

This struck me as pretty clueless…Yay! Thanks white guy with the day off and nothing better to do than cruise through Costco looking for that perfect pie for pointing out that I’m actually at work while YOU get the day off on a day that, you know, in theory, should probably be MY day off. Hmmm…well, that’s life I guess, and that’s me too: Brendan Kelly! The defender of black people everywhere! I don’t know, it’s so hard to talk about this kind of thing without sounding like a dick. So whatever, caution to the wind.
We had to take our baby to get his nine month exam (3 shots and a TB test…If you’re ever feeling too good about yourself, hold down an infant while a fat Mexican lady stuffs him full of needles…See what that does to your self opinion) and in the waiting room were four families. Us, a polish family, a Mexican family, and a black family. If you ignore Asia all together, it was a pretty good sampling. Actually, these demographics probably make up about 90% of Chicago, but hey, whatever…I’m just saying that I was sitting there thinking ‘oh, gods of race, what a nice little waiting room of diversity you’ve put together for us here, on MLK day.’ Actually, there’s no point to that part of the story, so I don’t know…in this super duper pussified day and age is it racist to notice that kind of thing? It was really pretty obvious. Okay, I don’t care.
Our baby’s doctor is a black guy and his name is Dr. Martin. Now I was trying to convince my wife to greet him by saying “Happy Martin Luther King day” and then complimenting him, not only on being a black guy, but also being named Dr. Martin. I mean, that’s great, right? Well, she didn’t think so. He probably thinks we’re assholes now. Whatever. I bet the polish couple said something.
Tonight, we get a black president, but more significantly, a NEW president. I’m pretty excited…We had a drunk old bagger at the grocery store yesterday (he was about 70) do a little dance of joy about Bush’s last day. It was great. He also said that when he goes to bagger heaven (he was such a sweet little guy) he hopes everyone has cloth bags. I was like, ‘cmon man, in bagger heaven, you’ll be able to bag other people’s groceries in WHATEVER kinds of bags you want! It’s bagger heaven, after all!’
That’s when he did the dance.
Okay, this was fun. Let’s see how many of you were paying attention. Also, read this article please. It’s one of the best things I’ve read in a long, long time.



Anonymous said...

That is a good article. Not to sound all high and mighty, but I read it about a year or so ago. But...thanks for the reminder, because it was worth another read.

In other news, 'yay, the black man is in power' (officially). Time to clean up this mess...

Anonymous said...

That's a good article, but it seems based on something I can't accept as true: That there were any people ever anywhere that would show their best friends a photo of them committing bestiality. Isn't that how you lose friends? I could see letting them see a naked photo, but I would never even admit to anyone, no matter how close, that I had sex with an animal. I would try to forget it and hopefully get on with my life. Maybe I'm too literal, but that example doesn't work for me. The rest is good.

Eric said...

haha saulio no shit. I told my friend I fucked a pillow and I was weirded out. I couldnt even show him a photo of myself getting a beej recently he didnt wanna see it! so to assume that most people have two people they could show a pic of them blowing a horse is really pretty ridiculous.

.Erica said...

so the link you posted is filtered out at work as "tasteless and offensive"

good work! Somehow I can still read your blog.

Some Young Guy said...

thanks for posting that link, beeks.

NachoP said...

David Wong writes pretty interesting articles, you should check out the rest, they are in his profile.

Nico said...

"we've built an awesome, sprawling web of technology meant purely to let us avoid annoying people."

What? No more anyone people? Where do I find this technology?

Lauren said...

That article rules. And it kind of reminds me that I need to spend less time on the computer and more time being outside and, you know, actually doing something and meeting people. How sad.

Showtyme said...

I'm too lazy to read that article, but the general consensus says its good. I'll take your word for it.

Am I the only one who doesn't really feel like it's a huge deal that Obama is a black guy? I mean, I'm super excited that Bush is finally gone, and I think Obama is going to do some awesome shit, but maybe since I'm just an ignorant white guy I'm just kinda "ok, cool" about the whole "First Black President" thing...

Eric said...

your not the only one with that perspective

daniel said...

Am I the only guy who thinks that oboma is going to fuck shit up? I think our country is now going to get worse than it already is.....lets wait and see.

K Dawg said...

After Costco did you get some Big Macs for lunch? 2 for 3.50 you know