Wednesday, January 28, 2009

dear abby,

Hello all. It’s advice day, and as promised, those with questions about felching move to the top of the list.

Some people are telling me felching is putting a gerbal in their butt. It is not, will you please express the correct meaning of felching? These dumb fucks really need to understand how serious this is.

A: Okay, firstly, no one really stuffs gerbils in their ass. That’s just not happening… do you doubt me? Gerbils are A) soft and B) equipped with teeth and jaws that can easily gnaw right through something as soft as the human rectum…So then what’s the move? Tape up the gerbils and break their jaws for easy insertion (this is, actually what some people think goes on)? Oh yeah, nothing like mutilating an animal to get me in the mood for some ass play. Jesus Christ! Do you see how depraved this is? Okay, news flash: Gerbiling isn’t real. It’s something that homophobic fundamentalists made up to further demonize queers…Let me spell this out for you as plainly as possible: NO one, not even John Wayne Gacy types, stuff gerbils up their asses. If you think otherwise, you’re believing propaganda on the same level as oh, I don’t know…whacking off makes you blind or Polish submarines have screen doors on them.
So, no…that is not felching. That’s not even real, and believe me, felching is real.

1. how do i convince my girlfriend to try crazy new sex positions? not boring ones... _2. if i drunkenly chomped on my girls' box after sex (no 'dom) does that count as felching? _3. how do i send you pictures of my genitals? or of somebo(d)ys genitals.

1. Get her drunk and start kind of flipping her around in the heat of the moment. You’re not going to talk your way into any sort of anal piledriver over fondue and cabernet. You need to just kind of let shit roar… This all goes back to confidence. It’s what all women are attracted to. You need to use some. Flip her around, you know, confidently but courteously. If she doesn’t like it, believe me, she’ll let you know. Don’t be a dick about it…banging is supposed to be a leisure time, fun activity…Keep that in mind and make sure everyone’s having a good time. Should be fine.
2. No. Felching isn’t like buttfucking. With buttfucking you can go in for a little regular fucking, but you’re drunk, you’re not really paying attention and boom! Before you even realize it, you’re buttfucking. With Felching, it’s different. You need to be specifically going for it, I’d say. I mean, I’m really not on the official panel of what constitutes/doesn’t constitute fleching or anything, I just think what you describe is some pretty standard post coitus cunnilingus, right?
3. Send them to my email which is linked on the page.

Q: I'd love some advice for my chick problem. I met this girl at the Alkaline Trio show in South Florida. We dated for two months and she moved to Las Vegas (she told me she was going to be moving so I knew it was just going to be a fling). Our last weekend together went great and she really wants me to come visit. The problem is: I'm pretty low on cash right now and I don't know when I'm gonna be able to afford to take a Vegas vacation. How long of a window of opportunity do you think I have to visit her and have her still be interested in me. You know, for boning purposes. That kind of stuff. Thanks in advance, JT

A: This is pretty boring, dude…cash flow problems? The alkaline trio? Sheesh. I thought we discussed this. But, since it’s advice day, and I’m in a good mood…Okay, Twenty years, or twenty minutes. It just depends. People still want to bone after all that time, and people also get bored pretty quick. Depends on your chemistry. Good luck. Don’t let her see this though…she’ll think you’re dull.

Living in Elgin, I've been with my fair share of E-town hoes as some people like to say. Since you have you been pretty much all around this great state. What other towns in Illinois would you suggest to find more of these women?

A: The smaller the town, the higher concentration of sexually active people. This, friends is an immutable truth. Other places that have high concentrations of sexually active people: College towns (not only students…the vibe of the college permeates the town, for reals. Also, highschoolers attempting to go to college parties and all that seeds banging in their cultural playbook early on, and because they’re emulating college students in an unsupervised environment, they have a completely different idea about promiscuity), and towns with army bases…Be careful in these though. Overall, your best bet is a tiny, crappy rural city…Mobile, Omaha, Rockford, Pueblo, Baton Rouge…Places with just enough population that people feel entitled to fun, but with nothing going on. This is where people just get loaded and bone.

Here’s a list for the young lady who asked for some great pet names for a dick:
The gnome
Patient 642
Winston Churchill
Cunt crusher
Spanish speaking houseguest.

There you go. That’s ten. I have to take my fat Chihuahua to the groomer and my baby to the gym and my cleaning lady is on the way…no stories of my horrible jobs today…But I’ll get back to it tomorrow, unless, of course, there are more advice queries that need to be addressed.


Anonymous said...

This isn't advice, but I'm not satisfied believing that DVDA is completely, 100% impossible. BK, do you believe that someone (or somefive) will one day pull off the DVDA?

Nina said...

the baby goes to the gym?

Matt Ramone said...

Nina's just upset I won't take our baby to the gym.

simmons said...

10! Youve exceeded my expectations. Ill use them and let you know how that works out.

and a fun little note. my verification word is boner. no im not kidding, boner. so im left to assume it will be a good day.

bloodiedup3o said...

I don't know if this falls into your do-nots of questions, but...

My good buddy and fellow musician wanted asked me to start a band with him a about a year ago before I moved up to Boston to go to school (I'm from NJ). Our plan was that we would write shit and send it back and forth and record anything we came up with and just throw ideas around until I came home for breaks and we could jam. Now a year later, I've written a good amount of songs and he's only put in enough effort to come up with some guitar for one. Oh, and he wrote a bunch of songs about how girls "broke his heart". So now I've got a whole bunch of songs here and this dick keeps ditching me for girls that only end up leaving him a week/month later. Should I give up on my hopes of getting something going and look elsewhere for a band or should I tell him to stop being such a pussy and live up to his word? I've told him plenty of times he's being pretty dick by saying he wants to do this and then completely abandoning any plans, but the dude is on the same page as me as far as a "vision" for the music's direction. Any advice?

Jersey Beat said...

If Omaha is a great place to get laid, does that mean Conor Oberst was sexually active in high school? I really find that hard to believe.

Seagull Steve said...

OK. So several years ago, while still a raging college student, I developed this insane crush on this girl. I saw her every day for weeks and it made me feel terrible. Whenever she was around my heartrate skyrocketed and I got really stressed out. It felt like I was 10 years old and it was very embarassing. Finally I worked up the nerve to talk to her even though she had a boyfriend. A while later we became friends but I have good reason to believe (in fact, I know) that the attraction was mutual. However, she proceeded to get married to said boyfriend, and then proceeded to get pregnant, which brings us to today.

My question is, how do I resume relations and, uh, go to the next step with said wonderful girl if things, you know, dont work out with the whole marriage thing? Keep in mind that she will probably have a child at this point (I dont really do well with kids, no offense) and she is very Christian (I am not), but not in a bad way. It is a sticky hypothetical situation.

planespotting said...

I have a question too, oh oracle of bad sandwiches.

One time in college, at a lame Get Up Kids Show (at the time I thought it was pretty awesome though), I met this chick from downstate (ISU to be exact). We hung out the whole night, exchanged phone numbers/IMs and the whole e-communication bag that kids do nowadays. Despite the fact that she lived hours away, I was so into this girl I still cannot believe it.

Anyway, and a long story short - it never worked out and I'm better off for it. She's married now and I almost am and things are good. However, we were pretty good friends for a long time, but that kind of subsided after a few years, but we still keep tabs on each other.

If I were to be in the area she lives in with or without my current significant other, would it be out-of-line to suggest some kind of meet and greet just to say whatsup and chat at some lame coffee house or something? No blowjob exchanges or anything like that.

Andrew said...

whats the best way to get with the hot slutty sorority chicks? i mean obviously alcohol is a factor, but their parties are pretty closed-door type deals here. any suggestions?

Wayne Michael said...

Alright, seeing as you seem to have some expertise in this area, I need some wisdom in picking a new beer for the year 2009. I've already done the bud thing and I was into the old style when they had those tall ivy cans, but i need something truly remarkable and new for this year. I think you said something about being into high life now and while I'm a fan, i've danced that dance all too many times. Any ideas? I would absolutely do miester brau if i didnt have to trek up to WI to get it.

Jayzilla said...

why do you delete some comments??

censorfree website!

Samuel said...

Hey Brendan. When or how can you tell that a band has run it's course? I am having a dilemma with my guitarist in that he never really learned how to read music, tabulature, or notes. He has a very slow way of learning new material. We have been a band for 7 years and have only a handful of songs. I fear my patience is wearing thin and our friendship is heading into bitter territory. Is there a way to salvage this band or did I just answer my own question. If I did, I just want to say I am fan of the Larry Arms, the Falcon, Slapstick, and the Broadways. Thanks for the tunes and I can't wait for the whatever you release next.

K Dawg said...

I'll stick with The Bludgeoner

Denise said...

Yeah, Rockford!! Woo hoo! lol