Hello all. It’s advice day, and as promised, those with questions about felching move to the top of the list.
Some people are telling me felching is putting a gerbal in their butt. It is not, will you please express the correct meaning of felching? These dumb fucks really need to understand how serious this is.
A: Okay, firstly, no one really stuffs gerbils in their ass. That’s just not happening… do you doubt me? Gerbils are A) soft and B) equipped with teeth and jaws that can easily gnaw right through something as soft as the human rectum…So then what’s the move? Tape up the gerbils and break their jaws for easy insertion (this is, actually what some people think goes on)? Oh yeah, nothing like mutilating an animal to get me in the mood for some ass play. Jesus Christ! Do you see how depraved this is? Okay, news flash: Gerbiling isn’t real. It’s something that homophobic fundamentalists made up to further demonize queers…Let me spell this out for you as plainly as possible: NO one, not even John Wayne Gacy types, stuff gerbils up their asses. If you think otherwise, you’re believing propaganda on the same level as oh, I don’t know…whacking off makes you blind or Polish submarines have screen doors on them.
So, no…that is not felching. That’s not even real, and believe me, felching is real.
1. how do i convince my girlfriend to try crazy new sex positions? not boring ones... _2. if i drunkenly chomped on my girls' box after sex (no 'dom) does that count as felching? _3. how do i send you pictures of my genitals? or of somebo(d)ys genitals.
1. Get her drunk and start kind of flipping her around in the heat of the moment. You’re not going to talk your way into any sort of anal piledriver over fondue and cabernet. You need to just kind of let shit roar… This all goes back to confidence. It’s what all women are attracted to. You need to use some. Flip her around, you know, confidently but courteously. If she doesn’t like it, believe me, she’ll let you know. Don’t be a dick about it…banging is supposed to be a leisure time, fun activity…Keep that in mind and make sure everyone’s having a good time. Should be fine.
2. No. Felching isn’t like buttfucking. With buttfucking you can go in for a little regular fucking, but you’re drunk, you’re not really paying attention and boom! Before you even realize it, you’re buttfucking. With Felching, it’s different. You need to be specifically going for it, I’d say. I mean, I’m really not on the official panel of what constitutes/doesn’t constitute fleching or anything, I just think what you describe is some pretty standard post coitus cunnilingus, right?
3. Send them to my email which is linked on the page.
Q: I'd love some advice for my chick problem. I met this girl at the Alkaline Trio show in South Florida. We dated for two months and she moved to Las Vegas (she told me she was going to be moving so I knew it was just going to be a fling). Our last weekend together went great and she really wants me to come visit. The problem is: I'm pretty low on cash right now and I don't know when I'm gonna be able to afford to take a Vegas vacation. How long of a window of opportunity do you think I have to visit her and have her still be interested in me. You know, for boning purposes. That kind of stuff. Thanks in advance, JT
A: This is pretty boring, dude…cash flow problems? The alkaline trio? Sheesh. I thought we discussed this. But, since it’s advice day, and I’m in a good mood…Okay, Twenty years, or twenty minutes. It just depends. People still want to bone after all that time, and people also get bored pretty quick. Depends on your chemistry. Good luck. Don’t let her see this though…she’ll think you’re dull.
Living in Elgin, I've been with my fair share of E-town hoes as some people like to say. Since you have you been pretty much all around this great state. What other towns in Illinois would you suggest to find more of these women?
A: The smaller the town, the higher concentration of sexually active people. This, friends is an immutable truth. Other places that have high concentrations of sexually active people: College towns (not only students…the vibe of the college permeates the town, for reals. Also, highschoolers attempting to go to college parties and all that seeds banging in their cultural playbook early on, and because they’re emulating college students in an unsupervised environment, they have a completely different idea about promiscuity), and towns with army bases…Be careful in these though. Overall, your best bet is a tiny, crappy rural city…Mobile, Omaha, Rockford, Pueblo, Baton Rouge…Places with just enough population that people feel entitled to fun, but with nothing going on. This is where people just get loaded and bone.
Here’s a list for the young lady who asked for some great pet names for a dick:
Spanish speaking houseguest.
There you go. That’s ten. I have to take my fat Chihuahua to the groomer and my baby to the gym and my cleaning lady is on the way…no stories of my horrible jobs today…But I’ll get back to it tomorrow, unless, of course, there are more advice queries that need to be addressed.