Monday, April 27, 2009

I cant stop taking drugs

My wife thinks I need to offer more advice. She says it’s time to get back into the advice game here at BSC and I’m perfectly cool with that. That really takes the pressure off me to come up with shit, you know? It’s Monday, I’ve hit a minor snag in my latest script, I got a new bike pump, I’m getting all stoked to eat a cheeseburger…you know how it goes. Shit’s happening, man. No two ways about it. I guess, my point is, send me your advice querries. I know you can’t possibly be an even semi competent custodian of your own life, so let me drive for a sec, right? Enough.
Next up, my quest to define everyone in the world continues.
Mansons-
These are guys who are scary. Specifically with long hair and beards. I know quite a few Mansons and I think, and I could be wrong, but I’m nigh certain that they get off on the fact that people find them terrifying. I have a friend named gareth, and he’s a major league manson. Spooky as shit. He’s also sweetened the deal by getting a necklace of bullets tattooed on him. Yipes. He once told me that the only women who ever EVER talk to him are ‘completely terrified of him and that’s what draws them to me.’ woah. Manson himself couldn’t concoct such a creepy little slogan. Anyhoo. These dudes are often oven guys in pizza places, barbacks, minor league assholes at the bike shop. You get the idea. You see them, but they’re relegated to a spot where they’re not up in your face causing undo panic. Yup. Mansons. They say their favorite band is Skynnard, or Thin Lizzy or some such other ironic/non ironic unimpeachable perfect choice, but in reality, they love the Bosstones.
Up next- Chicks with gigantic cans-
These girls don’t have to be smart, they don’t have to be funny, adept or even good looking or particularly in shape. They’ve got their ticket written. Huge cans are like a trust fund that you carry around under your shirt. I used to work with a girl who was borderline retarded, crosseyed and kind of a cunt, but she had enormous, wonderful jugs and as a result she survived and even thrived. They’re that powerful. I know a lot of people out there will find this to be sexist, and sure, it is. Towards men. Only men could reduce this dumb pile of shit chick to her only redeeming quality and continue to treat her like a functional human being. The best part? She was kind of a bitch to the other girls she worked with and they sort of took it. Tits are a big deal, man. Like it or not, it’s not gonna change facts. People get surgery to get nice tits. Think about that. It’s nuts. Surgery. Thousands of dollars, the chance of death, people putting your fucking severed nipples into a dish while they stuff bags of something inside your skin! It seems like a lot to go through, but apparently it’s not too much suffering in the face of getting some decent cans. This is why girls who are born with giant monsters are so fucked up. It’s a lifetime of dealing with inappropriate suggestions and jealousy. That’s enough to make any person crazy. Poor, maligned girls with huge cans…sigh. I feel bad for you. Here’s a thing we can do…you send me a picture of your cans, regardless of size, (you know, just so I know what you’re dealing with) and I’ll write you some personalized advice, based mostly on what you need to do to succeed with the tits you have. I think this is a good plan and I hope you agree. This is selfless work on my part, ladies, so don’t let me down. Okay, next up—

Jews- They run Hollywood and maybe the world. They’ve got some sort of beef with black people and vice versa…beards and money and gold and uh…wait. This is a little questionable, isn’t it? Okay, forget it. Next group.

People into dance- These fucking people, man. Mostly chicks, they’ve got this dumb religious idea about dancing and how it’s the cure for all life’s problems and it’s totally aligning your soul with the cosmos and wocka wocka wocka. Listen, dancing is cool, it’s fine. It’s something to do when music is on and that’s wonderful. My son, who is 1, dances when music comes on. No one taught him. It’s just instinctive. So yeah, in that way, good one, people into dance, you’re right. Dance is marvelous. You know what else people do without being taught? Whacking off. Get spiritual on that for a while. You know what, actually? The very same people (again, usually women) who are into dance as a lifestyle/healing/otherworldly thing are often the very same people who have some oils and candles and a cadre of dildos and an enya tape and an icecube and a whirlpool tub and make a big spiritual deal about masturbating too, so shut my mouth, I guess.
Okay, I’ve got things to do, people. Let’s rap later.

19 comments:

planespotting said...

*waits for the flak BK will get for soliciting pictures of big cans*

Also, you better be careful - a hard-hitting news show might find out about this blog entry, interview you about how much you like candy, and then splice some tape together to make it seem like you're a huge pervert who just wants to look at sweet cans. It'll end with a local television newsman saying:

"Of course, there's no way to see into the Kelly home without some kind of infrared heat-sensitive camera ... So, let's turn it on.
...
Now, this technology is new to me, but ... I'm pretty sure that's Lawrence Arms frontman Brendan Kelly in the oven, rotating slowly.
...
His body temperature has risen to over 400 degrees -- he's literally stewing in his own juices."

myassisapipebomb said...

the new nofx record is gonna be awesome. the last one was, and most of the ones before it were. i hope i don't get kicked out of punk for saying so.

what are your thoughts on the hold steady?

an advice query: how do i find time to masterbate while living with two roomates in a shitty little apt? shower excluded because it takes time you know? it's very close quarters and i need to get my nut on...

FOD789 said...

Hi, Brendan. I posted this in a previous entry, but there’s been a minor update. I hope you can help me out.
This girl and I met in our freshman year of high school and we got to be pretty good friends during that time but now we’re juniors in college. I’d say that we were only really close for about a year, year and a half total. Things happened and during the other years, in my view, anyway, we were friends because of the past. We didn’t talk much at all in-between. I think the last time I hung out with her was in either December ‘07 or January ‘08 and it just wasn’t fun hanging out with her. And the next time I had a legit conversation with her was in August. But even though it wasn’t fun hanging out with her that time, I thought maybe it was just a rough day and IM’d her or called her about once a week to see if she could hang out. I’d either not get an answer or she’d say she was busy. Understandable, she worked a lot and things, but in August, she blew up at me via IM and told me I annoyed the shit out of her. Again, understandable, but I would think that since if we were still friends, she’d understand I just wanted to have lunch or something. And it bummed me out when she said that. A few weeks later, I told her I didn’t want to be her friend anymore because when she told me I annoyed her, I started thinking that the friendship ran its course and we could end it without hard feelings. And I’m comfortable with that now too. She was really defensive and thought I was joking, I guess. She still wanted to be friends and I was admittedly stubborn, but given the past history of our friendship, I’d seen it before. Up until a few weeks ago, I hadn’t talked to her at all.
We were at a party and we were a beer pong table’s length away from each other, each in a corner, and she texted me asking if I was still mad at her. On one hand, I can see why she’d text, but it’s also pretty pathetic that we can’t talk to each other. (Technology’s fucked my generation up a little bit). She asked “Why r u so mad at me?!” I didn’t respond and then, it seemed to be that she changed her attitude and said “it honestly upsets me that i lost you as a friend because i’m an asshole.” I left the party because I was drunk and high and that wasn’t the right way to talk to her. The host of the party told me she was one of the last to leave and asked where I went and why I left. I want to give her closure because I can’t honestly say I REALLY gave it to her in August. I want us to have an understanding.
And then this is the minor update–I tell her I want us to talk and we agree that we’ll get together the upcoming Friday. That Friday comes and she says she’ll call me after she gets done running some errands. She never calls. It’s been a two weeks since then and we haven’t spoken. My feeling is that the ball’s in her court now.
My question is, is/was it a dick move to end the friendship? I feel like if I met her today, we wouldn’t be friends. I’m not bitter about anything; I just see us as two different people who were friends for a while, but we changed and if we did become friends again, it’d be the same topsy-turvy bullshit. And I don’t like that kind of half-assed stuff.
Thanks!
Tim

Blair said...

Wow, looks like someones been watching a little to much of the Simpson's..oh wait..is that even possible??

smokestacks said...

dude give me some advice please

i am unconfident, what can i do to become more confident and thefore bone more random chicks?

wilddanimal said...

It's so true, man: I'm a fairly intelligent guy and I give major bonus points to chicks with outstanding jugs. I do get fed up after a while if they have nothing else going for them. But when chicks who actually have personality and intelligence, who are actually cool likeable people, ALSO have outstanding jugs, you can stick a fork in me cos I'm DONE. It's all over, that bitch owns me.

Tony said...

That new NOFX is awesome. They are coming to Australia with Bad Religion later this year. Now I'm just waiting for a Lawrence Arms/Falcon/Sundowner announcement. Should be any day now...

AndTheRadio said...

Advice please.
My girlfriend has her graduation on May 23rd. Which is the second day of the Windy City Soundclash. And I also just found out that Trio is playing in Rockford that day too, anyway, I figure I have 4 options for this day. Her graduation is at 8 at night, and no I am not some creepy 23 year old dating a high schooler, I graduated last year. And we have been going out for close to 3 years. Im sure those both come into play somehow in the decision making process. So I figure these are my options:
1.Skip the graduation and go see banner pilot, the copyrights, the sidekicks, some other peice of shit band called the falcon.
2.Skip the graduation and go see Trio
3.Suck it up for the 2 and half hours of the graduation, stick around after and most likely get wasted and some sort of pleasure out of the deal.
4.Have dinner with her before the graduation and then just skip out on the whole actual graduation/pleasure thing and go to Reggie's.
Given she will obviously be some sort of angry with me if I skip out on any part of the graduation process.

Saulio SBJ 123 said...

I don't know if NOFX dropped the ball on promotion or are geniuses. They made everyone's expectations so low with "Creeping Out Sara" that I think the new record sounds better than it actually is (although it is definitely good), but there are also people walking around thinking Coaster is a piece of shit and it all sounds like the worst song on the record.

kylewagoner said...

What do you think about people who get on Wikipedia and say that Dan Andriano was found dead in his hotel room dated approximately 366 days before you read the information? I took the liberty of deleting that shit. I didn't want anyone else who stumbled on that page a week before their scheduled Alkaline Trio show to nearly have a heart attack. If Dan was dead, the world just wouldn't spin the same way...

bk said...

Do artists make art with an audience in mind?

Let's take a band, for instance. They have a sound that is more or less distinct. They have obvious influences but they do their own thing mostly and they have a decent amount of fans. Then on album 3 or 4 they change their sound. They add synthesizers and french horns and shit like that. It alienates their fans, but they claim their "real" fans will like the new shit. I guess another tangential question is do art lovers love art or the artist.

Owner Operator said...

"That new NOFX is awesome. They are coming to Australia with Bad Religion later this year. Now I'm just waiting for a Lawrence Arms/Falcon/Sundowner announcement. Should be any day now..."

here here!!!!!!!

Tao Lin said...

sweet blog bro

johnny B said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
johnny B said...

planespotting, your talking to the same guy that solicited pictures of guys dicks and made a competition out of it. and what guy doesn't like a picture of some nice cans.

Dan said...

I agree with you Sir. The new NOFX record is quite fucking amazing. I'm listening to it like it's 1997 and "So long and thanks for all the shoes" just came out.

and on that note...yep.

Jesus said...

Alright Burger King, here's my inquiry;

Tattoo sleeves? You've got em', how come? What do you think of them on other people? What do yours mean to you? Annd when is old enough to get them?

planespotting said...

To JohnnyB:

Let it be known that i also love nice cans.

garthattacks said...

I got a situation, I came across a vibrating cock ring in my house, it's still in its wrapper and everything so it's not been used but I'm currently seeing this girl who is boring as hell in bed. I think you see where I'm going with this. She isn't really the best communicator but I figure all this could be solved with a vibrating cock ring. a) The sex might be more fun and b) maybe it will get her to open up a little. The question is how do I approach the topic with her as shes quite prudish... and is there anything gay about wearing a cock ring?

James