My wife thinks I need to offer more advice. She says it’s time to get back into the advice game here at BSC and I’m perfectly cool with that. That really takes the pressure off me to come up with shit, you know? It’s Monday, I’ve hit a minor snag in my latest script, I got a new bike pump, I’m getting all stoked to eat a cheeseburger…you know how it goes. Shit’s happening, man. No two ways about it. I guess, my point is, send me your advice querries. I know you can’t possibly be an even semi competent custodian of your own life, so let me drive for a sec, right? Enough.
Next up, my quest to define everyone in the world continues.
These are guys who are scary. Specifically with long hair and beards. I know quite a few Mansons and I think, and I could be wrong, but I’m nigh certain that they get off on the fact that people find them terrifying. I have a friend named gareth, and he’s a major league manson. Spooky as shit. He’s also sweetened the deal by getting a necklace of bullets tattooed on him. Yipes. He once told me that the only women who ever EVER talk to him are ‘completely terrified of him and that’s what draws them to me.’ woah. Manson himself couldn’t concoct such a creepy little slogan. Anyhoo. These dudes are often oven guys in pizza places, barbacks, minor league assholes at the bike shop. You get the idea. You see them, but they’re relegated to a spot where they’re not up in your face causing undo panic. Yup. Mansons. They say their favorite band is Skynnard, or Thin Lizzy or some such other ironic/non ironic unimpeachable perfect choice, but in reality, they love the Bosstones.
Up next- Chicks with gigantic cans-
These girls don’t have to be smart, they don’t have to be funny, adept or even good looking or particularly in shape. They’ve got their ticket written. Huge cans are like a trust fund that you carry around under your shirt. I used to work with a girl who was borderline retarded, crosseyed and kind of a cunt, but she had enormous, wonderful jugs and as a result she survived and even thrived. They’re that powerful. I know a lot of people out there will find this to be sexist, and sure, it is. Towards men. Only men could reduce this dumb pile of shit chick to her only redeeming quality and continue to treat her like a functional human being. The best part? She was kind of a bitch to the other girls she worked with and they sort of took it. Tits are a big deal, man. Like it or not, it’s not gonna change facts. People get surgery to get nice tits. Think about that. It’s nuts. Surgery. Thousands of dollars, the chance of death, people putting your fucking severed nipples into a dish while they stuff bags of something inside your skin! It seems like a lot to go through, but apparently it’s not too much suffering in the face of getting some decent cans. This is why girls who are born with giant monsters are so fucked up. It’s a lifetime of dealing with inappropriate suggestions and jealousy. That’s enough to make any person crazy. Poor, maligned girls with huge cans…sigh. I feel bad for you. Here’s a thing we can do…you send me a picture of your cans, regardless of size, (you know, just so I know what you’re dealing with) and I’ll write you some personalized advice, based mostly on what you need to do to succeed with the tits you have. I think this is a good plan and I hope you agree. This is selfless work on my part, ladies, so don’t let me down. Okay, next up—
Jews- They run Hollywood and maybe the world. They’ve got some sort of beef with black people and vice versa…beards and money and gold and uh…wait. This is a little questionable, isn’t it? Okay, forget it. Next group.
People into dance- These fucking people, man. Mostly chicks, they’ve got this dumb religious idea about dancing and how it’s the cure for all life’s problems and it’s totally aligning your soul with the cosmos and wocka wocka wocka. Listen, dancing is cool, it’s fine. It’s something to do when music is on and that’s wonderful. My son, who is 1, dances when music comes on. No one taught him. It’s just instinctive. So yeah, in that way, good one, people into dance, you’re right. Dance is marvelous. You know what else people do without being taught? Whacking off. Get spiritual on that for a while. You know what, actually? The very same people (again, usually women) who are into dance as a lifestyle/healing/otherworldly thing are often the very same people who have some oils and candles and a cadre of dildos and an enya tape and an icecube and a whirlpool tub and make a big spiritual deal about masturbating too, so shut my mouth, I guess.
Okay, I’ve got things to do, people. Let’s rap later.