Thursday, April 16, 2009

Ugh! Doooooooooogs.

Good morning. Last night I went out. It’s a rarity for me…I’m usually wiping asses and taking butt thermometer temperatures all night, but yesterday I got word that Blag from the Dwarves was gonna be hosting a burlesque show and that he was gonna give me some money. That got me out of the hose. I showed up only to discover that it was a classic bait and switch. He didn’t have money to give me, and actually, he wanted money from me. what the fuck? It’s like the Godfather 3 over here. Needless to say, I killed his family.
Okay, anyway, I have to work soon and I’m tired and I don’t feel like writing too much of this today, so I’m going to go ahead and fall back on my gimmick.
Different types of people in the world--
The woefully inappropriate:
These are most always guys. Usually, they’re kind of stupid and 100% of the time they have no idea how much they’re creeping everyone out. This is a self awareness issue more than anything, because the ‘woefully inappropriate’ guy never EVER recognizes himself as a woefully inappropriate guy. This is actually pretty simple. If said guy (let’s call him Stanley) knew that every time he talked to me, I wanted to punch him in the face, he’d surely slow his roll, BUT he’s got no idea that (for example) saying something like “that’s a big baby you’ve got there, Brendan…Looks like mama’s got some good milk, right?” and attempting to high five me is so woefully inappropriate. To him, it’s just a good, old fashioned joke.
To put it mildly, the woefully inappropriate dude is a massive bummer. Especially if you get into a situation where you have to introduce him to a real friend with a functioning brain. Oh jeez. You may as well just wear a shirt that says “sorry about this dildo. I’m just as bummed out as you are. Sorry again.”
Recently I had lunch with a woefully inappropriate friend and my kid and here are just a couple of the things he said while we were eating.

“wow, man. That kid came out of your dick.”
“Oh look, he’s flirting with the waitress.” (to the baby) “don’t worry. I’ll tell you how her pussy tastes.”
“Dude, you MADE that kid with your jizz!”

Seriously? That’s how you’re talking in public now? You’ve got no clue that this kind of banter is bad form? Here’s a quick rule of thumb: If the idea you’re about to share involves jizz or pussy juice or anal leakage or something, wait until people are done eating, count to three, picture saying it to your mom, think about it, wait, and then proceed, ONLY if you’re SURE that the laughability trumps the creepiness.
It’s actually kind of fascinating. I should take a poll and find out what these guys’ parents did, because their parenting has left me indefinitely uncomfortable, Interestingly, these dudes are almost always single (duh) and they have no idea why.
I don’t even know what else to say about the woefully inappropriate, except that I know one who comes into my bar and besides being just gross and constantly skeeving me out, he eats the gnarliest shit ever. It’s probably symptomatic of the same issue. He gets rocks glasses of Jager and orders a bowl of mayo with his burger, and also gets a big bowl of coleslaw on the side (extra mayo). He also tells me about doing key bumps at the Allman Brothers show and sits at the bar and downloads Phish bootlegs. Woefully inappropriate enough for you? Christ. I’m already so bummed and I haven’t even gone to work yet.
Okay, my inlaws come tonight, and tomorrow my kid turns one. This is an exciting time to be a daddy. I think I’m hung over. I should stay in bed, or at the very least tell Stanley to go fuck himself, right? Sigh.


Kevin said...

You should tell him to wake up.

bruce said...

great show at debonair

sheila said...

my attention was brought to this photo only a moment ago.

nice tight(ish) pants there, brendan...

sheila said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Manny Los Gatos said...

right before the B. Kelly pix there are pix of Lady GaGa. That's an odd juxtaposition.

bk said...

Speaking of "slow your roll," have you ever had Drank? Next time you're in the South, grab a can and report the results.

Ryan said...

Oh, Drank. Tastes like Robitussin mixed with Sprite, and has the complete opposite affect of Sparks. I do not support!

Aaron said...

Hey man if you're ever stumped for ideas tell us about how you met your partner.