Ladies! you know what to do!

Wow, I have NO time this morning, and it’s Friday which is the hardest day to make something happen on the internet. I’m just a whirlwind of emotions right now. Some readers have been kind enough to point out all the other badsandwich rip offs that have popped up lately and I’m at once flattered and appalled. What the fuck? Okay, firstly, Bad Sandwich started out as the worst band name I could think of. This was a game that we would play while on the road. We’d sit around and when someone would say something that could be a terrible band name, we’d write it on a list. It would go something like this….

INT. THE LAWRENCE ARMS VAN - MORNING

The Lawrence Arms are on tour and driving out of LA. NEIL drives while a visibly hung over NADER sits shotgun. He’s rubbing his bloodshot eyes and sweating a bit. He turns around to address PT, who’s grossing everyone out by running his big sausagey fingers all over the velour ceiling of the van. BRENDAN and CHRIS are both laying down behind PT trying not to pay attention to his fingernails on the velour.

NADER: Man, dogs! I think I may have pissed my pants last night, and I definitely tried to bone that girl.

CHRIS (sitting up in the back with huge smile): WHAT?

PT: That shouldn’t surprise you, McCooch. Doesn’t surprise me. (shit eating giggle)

NEIL: Oh man. (beat) How do you feel right now?

NADER: Oh, well, I’m gonna be pretty hung over eventually, but right now, I’m still mostly monster.

BRENDAN (sitting up): Dude, did you say mostly monster?

CHRIS: That’s a band name.

NEIL: That’s a GREAT band name!

NADER (miming talking into a microphone): What’s up Syracuse! We’re Mostly Monster. This is our first song. Ladies, get your tits out!

NEIL: Hey, I need to take a dump so I’m gonna stop up here. Is anyone hungry? There’s an arbys and a taco time.

So, anyway, Bad Sandwich was one of the best bands we came up with, along with Interesting Cafeteria (Chris in Germany: “It kind of smells like an interesting cafeteria in this place”), Chin Business (due to mocking some completely inappropriate facial hair on some San diego style dildo [parenthetical note: the ‘just the chin’ action is dumb looking. Yes. Even on you. Be a man and grow a mustache. Sheesh]) Uh…Technical Sex was a good band name we came up with…well, you get the idea. I’m not spilling all the great secrets of terrific band names here. I know how uncreative all you cock farmers are, and I don’t need to get some myspace message from some band called Chin Business next week thanking me for inspiration. Come up with your own band names. Nah, never mind. Use Chin Business. I dare you. I’ve still got like a nineteen page list somewhere.
Anyhoo, that’s where bad sandwich came from. We started talking about the awesome band, BAD SANDWICH, as a way to have fun with uncreative interview questions about influences, favorite bands to tour with, etc. NOW, there’s a fucking ska-funk band from England called bad sandwich. I don’t know if they’re ripping me off, or if they just came up with the name on their own, and honestly, I have no idea which one is lamer.
That’s the name of your band? Bad Sandwich? Fuck. And you play what? FUNK? IT’S 2009! AND YOU’RE FROM ENGLAND!!!! England is about as funky as fargo, man. (see, THAT’S a good band name. “Hey, we’re Funky as Fargo from Brighton. Ladies, get your tits out!)
Now there’s this other badsandwich blog started by some lame amateur penis enthusiast douche from Wyoming. It’s literally like what fifth grade kids write when they’re trying to write their own porn. Very well done. Then there’s the one that’s run by robits that we’ve already discussed (see the entry I, robit for explanation of what a robit is), and THEN there’s the scary one. The bible one. The one that’s all about the rapture and 666 and mega churching and all that shit. HOW THE FUCK DID THEY COME ACROSS ME???? This is not the work of robits, man. This is way crazier. Take the S and the P in ‘blogspot and switch them in my URL to see this wacky shit. I guess Jesus has a computer after all. AND he reads my blog. Pretty cool. Okay. Fuck this. I’m going to work. Um…it’s Friday, so that means it’s gonna suck out there. Bye.
(personal message below)
Hey summer! You wanna hang? It’s been too long. Come over later.