Wednesday, April 1, 2009

I, Robit

Hey y’all. Wednesday here and I’m fixin to have a real productive day. After yesterday’s doom fest, brought on by a big cheeseburger, I finally recovered only to end up eating a mammoth one pound steak for dinner. Guess what happened? I was tortured by nightmares and I’m once again feeling semi-doomed. At least this time it’s more manageable. Who cares about doom anyway? It’s like the dumbest video game of all time, right? Okay, I don’t even know. I’m not much of a gamer. That’s such a funny word, right? “Gamer.” I guess chronic masturbator/girlfriend irritator/dorito aficionado was too cumbersome. Har-de-har-har.
My grandfather was actually the first person I ever knew who got a Nintendo. He and my dad both LOVE video games, and I’m pretty sure my brother’s got a pretty bad case of dork fever too…I don’t know how I escaped. Regardless, that’s not the point. My grandfather had the most hilarious view of the world and the shit he would say would be so confusingly funny as a result…so I’d come by and he’d ask me if there was anything I wanted to do, and when I said ‘no’ (because all kids say no when asked if there’s anything they want to do…you must provide options to kids, actually and to most adults too…that’s the BSC life lesson for today) he’d say “well, Brendan, I’ve got this really fun robit in the basement. A robit. This was how he said robot and to my granddad, EVERYTHING that was in any way technical above basic machination was a robit. SO, there was a robit who automatically opened the door for you at the grocery store, and a robit that took your money for the toll at the automatic tollbooth and a robit that sat in the basement and played with the grandkids.
This was in fact, the Nintendo. I know what you’re all thinking, and YES there are stories out there about grandpas and basements and much more sinisterly uh, ‘grown up’ robits, but that’s just sick. I’m not Marylin Manson. I’ve never even worn jackboots for fucks sake! So get your minds out of the gutter and let’s continue, please. Ahem…The Nintendo was the robit in the basement and at first he just had duck hunt, which was, for those of you who don’t remember, a pretty great game that involved a gun and killing ducks and he had golf, which was his game, and presumably his entire reason for buying the robit in the first place. We loved this shit. At the time, there was Atari and the original sega, not the genesis, just the regular sega, but that shit was already old and played out and the Nintendo was SO much cooler than those were. I loved going over there and playing duck hunt, and even golf. So, one time we went over to my granddads house and he told me all about this new game he had for the robit. It involved, he said, a little boy trying to run along a wall and pick flowers and a bunch of girls trying to kiss him. If they kissed him, he’d fall off the wall.
This sounded like a pretty fucking lame game to me, but that’s how he sold it to me and I begrudgingly agreed to give it a try. Well, it was super Mario Brothers…that’s how he described it. A boy (not a middle aged plumber) picking flowers (not collecting coins) trying to avoid being kissed (what the fuck?). I don’t know. But yeah. That was the deal. Apparently he’s pretty into having dementia these days. Sad. He’s a good guy, although, as I look back over this, it seems like the complete unraveling of reality maybe started a while ago.
So now, there’s gamers. I was reading Cracked.com, which I think is a pretty good website, beyond just being funny, the articles can be pretty thought provoking, and I came across this paragraph where the main writer for cracked (david wong or something) talks about how when he was a kid there were only 3 tv channels and one newspaper, and now, he scours more sources than that daily just to get his video game news. What? Video game NEWS? Daily? Good Christ, man. What the fuck is that? I mean, I get the idea of wanting a schedule of releases and maybe a place for reviews, but then what? Interviews with Lara Croft? What’s next for the Halo franchise? I mean, I’m sure it IS actually shit like this. I can’t even think of something that’s patently ridiculous enough that it wouldn’t probably be included in this vast multi media influx of gaming news that’s funneling into this otherwise intelligent, funny and erudite man’s brain. There you go. I guess it’s true. I’m a luddite and the world has turned without me. I’m gonna go play with my jacks (which is an old timey slang for balls).
Right about now, my baby is asleep. We’re supposed to go to the library for baby story time today, in fact, we should be leaving in like, ten minutes, but he seems like he’s gonna sleep right through it. I’m pretty bummed out about this, actually. I was really looking forward to it for some reason. It’s like I’ve got this connection with this kid or something and I like to see him happy. Huh. I’m gonna have to go talk to the librarians, I guess.
Oh, and we’re gonna do a pretty rad Lawrence Arms tenth anniversary show this year. I just started booking it yesterday, and there are details to come, but let’s say it involves fan voting, free shit, a whole kaboodle of awesome surprises, felching, space docking, snoodling, a battle royal to the death featuring all our ex tour managers/road dudes (my money’s on beef or Nader to take the whole thing). It’s gonna be SICK. But that’s all for another time.
Oh, and it’s april fools day, but everything here is true. I don’t observe secular holidays.

27 comments:

Steve said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
grimey said...

hey Brendan, hey what do you think of the whole retro thrash scene going on? There's this band called Toxic Holocaust that i'm a big fan of, you familiar with them at all?

especially good blog today btw, i loved nintendo golf as a kid and still vividly remember getting a couple hole in ones on the short courses.

Jayzilla said...

can it please be a 10th anniversary tour??

Manny Los Gatos said...

I'm definitely making a shirt that says "I play with robits"

Uncle Buck said...

the Lincoln Square library rules

brandnewsheep said...

*crosses fingers*
...and it'll be in England!!

Wayne Michael said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Wayne Michael said...

So I remember back a few weeks I think when you posted that site that came up if you entered badsandwichcrhonicles.com. Well I misspelled the site name today as www.badsandwichchronicles.blogpsot.com and came upon something way cooler. You shouldnt have written about that superchurch the other day, now look what you have done.

Jason said...

So, I'm no "gamer" or anything, but isn't the gaming industry just another branch of entertainment? And think about the dozens and dozens of websites/blogs you can goto on a daily basis to get your music news. Or better yet, just your punk rock music news. Or movie news, etc. There's just a large market for video games and its turning into a little generational, reactionary subculture of its own, just like popular music has done in every generation since the 50s. Keep writing man, you are uniquely inspiring

Some Young Guy said...

did your grampa also say "warsh" instead of wash?

admp said...

that link is awesome

FAskies said...

Gaming is pretty much a form of media equivalent to music, books, movies, tv. YOu can get some really deep shit out of gaming. Most people just see shit like Halo (which is more like the Twilight, or Pop Music of the gaming industry), than there is the games that actually have deep stories with political, emotional, etc. issues. I'm just saying it's really underestimated and it's unfortunate that it's not seen as a proper or mature form of entertainment.

also i'd love for there to be a 10th anniversary tour.

Sickie27 said...

Me, my brother, and my dad got into a HUGE fight about my Playstation and Rock Band two days ago. It ended with my PS2, game, and guitar controllers being thrown across my room and random bruises on my hands. Gaming is more serious than one would think.

Also, I loved playing the Paperboy game on Nintendo. And Mario Kart. And Mortal Kombat.

Anthony said...

I almost pissed my pants reading this. Oh man that's hilarious.

johnny B said...

when i was a kid i had the half duck hunt half super mario brothers 1 cartridge. it was amazing. my dad was and still is a huge AV nerd so we had the big screen television for duck hunt with the gun. my mom loved super mario brothers and we would always compete. in a lot of ways video games made my family closer. that sounds really lame.

by the way about the 10th anniversary concert. being from Chicago I'm going to assume that it is going to be in Chicago. do you know if the metro would book? i haven't been to a good metro show in years. I'm missing the trio's 4/20 show cuz I'm an idiot. it would be awesome if you played there.

by the way is their a reason why they don't book bands in that genre there anymore? don't get me wrong i love reggies and beat kitchen, but i miss the metro days the way it was like 5 years ago.

Robb said...

Exhausted Matt Skiba drunkenly admits owning "multiple Ed Hardy shirts"; feels he "just has his hand in way too much corny shit, at this point"

http://www.punknews.org/article/32816

Jake Teufel said...

I kind of squealed like a little girl after reading about the Larry Arms show. I can honestly say I've never done that before. Yikes.

everyoneiskindofhappy said...

I will sleep with anyone that I have to to see a 10th Anniversary show.

Jon said...

BK -
I agree. Make this a tour.
If not, I will make it to Chicago from Pittsburgh in some way, shape, or form.

Saulio SBJ 123 said...

I like your grandpa's description of Super Mario Bros. I think he got confused. It does have those flowers with teeth, but you don't pick them. There is also the reward of Peach kissing you, but that isn't something you can/want to avoid.

I'm not a gamer, but I think the thing you are forgetting is the news like movie sites have; I'm sure that are sites with "breaking news" that there is a new Halo game in development and any new details about the upcoming game - still, you are right that people don't need to know more than what is coming out and when and then if it is good.

My word is "maceleli", it is like it wants to make words, but doesn't know how.

b-ill said...

Jon if there is a show then you can ride with me. I will not miss that show for anything. By the way I am from Pittsburgh too if you could not tell.

J said...

Of course it'll be in Chicago. Can't leave Brendan v2.0! But if you change your mind, something west of the Mississippi would be sweet. Like, say, Denver. Nice central location. Cheap domestic beer. Think about it.

Mikey said...

Bah. :( I wish traveling wasn't so expensive so it would actually be possible to come see that show.

:'( Life sucks.

bfwc523 said...

the robit story is hilarious.. and a lawrence arms anniversary show would be amazing! how about a new album too? haha, i'm kidding, but that would be epic.

and i dunno why, but i've noticed you seem to realllly dislike people who are into "nerdy" things.. just something i've noticed about your blog, and the interview i saw where you bashed coheed for writing concept albums. i don't have a real problem with it, but it kind of sucks when the bassist of my favorite band is constantly hating on people like myself. haha

Blair said...

OK, so I'm flying from Portland Oregon to Chicago just to catch this show...I'm a poor, poor college student and I've never actually been on a plane before..I guess what really I'm trying to say here is if I make it you better fucking Buy me a beer!!!!

BTW. I've seen the Lawrence arms 9 Times in Portland, Eugene and Seattle..so this would be a great 10th LA show for me!!

I need a date so I can book my flight...

BTW., can I crash on your couch?? I don't know anyone from Chicago.

Thanks Brendan!!

-Blair

ethos said...

maybe when he said video game news he meant more kind of techie news?


oh well, you should definitely do your show at reggies!

.Erica said...

So I was watching Futurama and Zoidberg totally uses the word "robit". I found it even more hilarious due to your blogs.