Today is my kid’s first birthday. He’s one. Hard to believe. I don’t know if it seems like time’s flying or not. I don’t remember a time when he wasn’t around or my wife wasn’t pregnant, but still, it’s been astounding. It’s been a hell of a year. So many firsts. Maybe I’ll enumerate them, you know, just to pass the time.
Things I’d never done before this year:
Wiped someone else’s ass- Man, what a joy. Nothing like getting dinner all ready to eat, on the table and then having to scoop feces out of the wrinkly chasms that surround someone else’s balls. It’s like an appetizer for your mind. Other times this is great? First thing in the morning. Middle of the night, when you’re trying to negotiate the terms of a beej. Any time, really. Never done any third party butt wiping before this year, but I look forward to more and more of it as we have more kids and my parents continue to decay.
Slept in until 830 and felt refreshed- Actually, when I was a kid I used to wake up at four and five and watch the lone ranger on tv. On Sundays I used to get up real early, excited to watch the WWF (which was what the WWE used to be called [for the ladies out there, I’m talking about pro wrestling]) but wrestling didn’t come on until 9 so I’d have to sit through Jerry Falwell’s televised sermons. Never occurred to me to not watch TV. Instead, I just suffered, and as a result began loathing Jerry Falwell and church in general. I mean, give me my fucking giant muscle men grappling around in speedoes! I don’t want to hear this religious nut blabbing conspiracy theories about gay recruiters attempting to draw in young people by sneaking pro homosexual messages into seemingly benign entertainment, you know?
Known about all this crazy baby shit- There are humongous companies out there with names like Graco, Chicco, McLaren, you get the idea. Shit you’ve never heard of, but it’s a gigantic business. Of course, like any successful commercial pillar of the economy, it’s all fear based. I know I’m not really busting out any amazingly surprising info here, but if you’re really feeling really really really bored and you want an idea of what I’m talking about, go to Babies R Us and be prepared to be amazed. They’ll tell you about the way the Snap n Go is okay, but the Graco seat that goes in it doesn’t have as good of a travel system and I don’t know if your baby may not just die if you go for the cheap option…here are a thousand car seats, some very deadly, here are some monitors, without these, your baby will certainly die. These are just a few items that may make your child grow up to not be retarded, never can tell, but lots of kids wind up autistic if they don’t get a few of these items…You get the idea. Domestic terror isn’t just crazy separatists in Montana anymore. It’s happening in babies r us.
Seen birth- and had it scorched into my memory. Pretty wild. Let's just say it's like absolutely nothing I've ever seen. Wowzers.
Okay, there’s more…much more but I have to go to work. All in all, pretty great year. Also, I had never blogged before this year. So there’s that. I’m talking about the fiscal year people, not the year of our lord. Okay. Happy birthday baby! Your daddy is very proud of you. The rest of you felch belching perverts can go suck a dog dick.