Why don't you open your eyes and see?

This is a highly unusual morning. My wife, who tends to be busy, and as a result, successful, is home. She’s on her computer right across from me, working from home as she waits to go to a meeting or something. This is preventing me from doing what I usually do, which is type this blog naked with a banana up my ass while watching german shit porn on the television. Oh, quit being such a puritan. The baby’s at daycare.
This is a hell of a segue into my new installment--Types of people:
Germans- These fucking people, man. Wow. Germany is the only place where I’ve seen a guy on the street with frosted tips, leather pants and a suede motorcycle jacket sparing for change. We told him to suck it up and go back to his salon and beg for his chair back. German men, as a rule have a very particular idea about how shit should be done, and they can be amazingly unbending when it comes to compromise. I know there’s a historical precedent for this that’s uh, what’s the word? Huge? Not quite right, but anyway, I’m not trying to suggest anything like that. Germans, in general, tend to be outspoken and absolute in their ideas of what’s stupid/great/working/not working and these opinions and ideas don’t tend to shift very often. This leads to lots of german guys coming across as a bit robotic and cold and German women coming off as either robotic and cold or completely fucking awesome. An outspoken, slightly bitchy frau with huge pointy cans is a fun frau to down some steins with, for sure. Prost.
Some funny Germans I know:
I know a 44 year old German with only a few teeth who’s about five five, bald, with a barbed wire tattoo around his neck. He wears XXL basketball jerseys and flannel pajama pants all the time. His ex girlfriend’s name is tattooed on his neck, on his wrist and huge on his belly. He told me once “yeah, I’m still not really getting over her.” No shit, dude. Your body is quite literally a shrine to her…Not surprising that you’re still attached in some way. This guy, who’s one of the best guys in the world, by the way, only eats two things: sugar and faces. I know, what the fuck does that mean? It means I’ve only ever seen him eat candy, but I’ve heard him threaten to eat more than a few people’s faces. The best time was when some security guards tried to encircle us in a London McDonalds. They were North African dudes, and my German friend didn’t even look up. He just sat there and said, “you think your dick is big? I’ll eat your face.” This, somehow, did the trick. They left us alone.
Keep in mind that we were being encircled because the other guy we were with had tried to pass a counterfeit 20 pound note and was being arrested. Somehow, instead of going to jail, he ended up picking up some chick and going back to her house and, you know, pumping her. Nice. Nothing like picking up a counterfeiting foreigner who’s on his way to jail in a McDonalds at two in the morning and taking him home. That’s just so well thought out, you know?
I think I may have written about this before…Okay, more Germans.
Nah, I don’t want to get into all these Germans. There are tons of them, but here’s the thing about germans, they will, make no mistake, insult you every single time that they try to compliment you. It’s called a German compliment, and anyone who’s EVER traveled through Germany extensively (especially in a band) knows all about it. It’s a compliment laced with an insult, AND the insult is as insulting as the compliment is flattering, so you (the non-german) usually walk away a little pissed off. Here are some German compliments:
“I love your records, but tonight you were so terrible.”
“Your voice is great, but you have gotten so fat”
“I think your band is awful, but tonight was not so bad.”
“Kids like your band, I don’t know why they don’t like your t shirts. Maybe it’s because the designs are so bad, or maybe it’s because you played so poorly”
“It’s funny that the girls all like you, because in my opinion you’re really not that good looking, you know?”
“Last time, you guys were great. This time it was so boring.’
“I think this show was much better than the last. That was terrible, right?”
“my friend, I think wants to have sex with you for some reason”
This last one needs to be punctuated with an index finger swirling at the temple to indicate the absolute crazy stupidness of the idea of sleeping with you.
Yeah, so you get it. German compliments. Reading over these, it seems like maybe we’re just not a very good band, and I’m at ease with that, but I swear to you, EVERY person who travels through Germany knows these compliments. God, I just had a vision of the backstage/bunkhouse in Schweinfurt and it gave me a cold chill. I don’t know why, though. That place has great food and good looking bartenders. Germany, man.
Once, we were hanging out after the last show of our tour, we were in Berlin at the guy with the sugar/face only diet that I was telling you about earlier’s house. His roommate, who I called half-a-mouth-of-teeth for some reason I don’t feel like I need to go into, and I were awake smoking some hash. Everyone else was asleep and I was dying to go to sleep. We flew out the next day and I was exhausted and we had to wake up in about two hours. I had tried to excuse myself politely a few times, but there was a certain germanness that could not be penetrated with polite suggestion, so eventually, I stood up and said, “dude. I’m going to bed. Thanks for the hospitality.” And he said, “okay, no problem. Just let me ask you one question before you go to sleep.”
“sure”
“What do you think about the attacks of September the eleventh?”

That’s Germans folks. Up next: gay French guys. But first, come see me at café 11 in St. Augustine tomorrow. Make some requests, and if they line up with the songs I’m already playing, I’ll take them. Later days, better lays.