No time for the old in-out, love, I've just come to read the meter.

In my quest to define everyone on the earth, here in the confines of this blog, I recently discussed Juggalos. Today, I’m going to discuss their natural enemy.

The unskilled, condescending superior asshole-
This guy…do I ever know him? You know this guy too. He thinks your taste sucks. He laughs at your idea of cool movies and openly mocks your mispronunciation of words, all the while conveniently ignoring he’s just some crappy hack musician/filmmaker/poet who actually has no money, no upward momentum, no class, lives with his parents/employed girlfriend/in his shitty flophouse with his crappy friends and generally has absolutely no concrete reason to feel superior about anything to anyone. His band sucks and he boils it down to people not ‘getting it.’ His art is trite and he boils it down to jealousy. His poems are pretentious bullshit and he’s a fucking WAITER and he has the nerve to suggest it’s the lack of culture in the city/town/world in general that’s keeping his masterpieces from being heard/appreciated.
Smugly, he can retreat into the idea that his job is just the means to a greater end, and that while you are out there, a slave, toiling like all the rest of the plebian fools in your chrome and glass prisons for the rest of eternity, he’s just biding his time until he’s discovered, or until his beat collective takes off or whatever. He conveniently ignores that there’s no fucking practical application to knowing how to pronounce “laden’ properly or how to pick out a good movie starring Mastroainni, or even namedropping hip, old Italian actors in his woefully self important blog. Heh.
Self awareness, actually, is usually not a trait found in the unskilled, condescending superior asshole, just btw, and joking at one’s own expense? Not typical at all. These are the guys who dish it out like CRAZY but can’t take it. This is why they somehow think that a semi decent grasp of flashy vernacular and some snide remarks will trump the fact that they’re an unemployed ex clerk, unable to have a bank account, express a cogent thought, create anything worth a shit or relate to anyone except for their dopey ‘caregiver issues’ girlfriend and probably one lackey who has mistaken this smugness for success.
Make no mistake, these assholes are confident and get laid often. This is almost always immediately followed by tantrums and open mockery (usually in regards to the poor, dumb deluded girl’s friends/cd collection/dumb job/plans etc.), after which the girls that these guys fuck detail these dumb turds’ loserdom on some hipster message board (sorry-mom.com comes to mind) and express that being the bassist in some crappy local band and ordering in French doesn’t actually change the fact that you have a small penis and sleep on a mattress with no sheets and you don’t even have a drivers license.
Now, I’d like to be clear. There’s nothing wrong with being a slack motherfucker who just wants to kick it. It’s cool if you don’t have a bank account or a job or you play in some crappy band and you’re just you know, livin. It’s the superiority that’s what separates this particular breed of arty slacker dipshit from the rest and that actually takes him from the “arty slacker dipshit” pile and puts him in the “Total cocksucker” pile.
As I mentioned before, Juggalos are the natural enemy of the unskilled condescending superior asshole. They embody all the qualities that the superior asshole himself possesses (a crazy, unfounded but utterly unflappable belief that they’re KILLING IT, a crappy job, dumb girlfriend, stupid, stupid favorite band, complete lack of the broader world view etc.) but the Juggalos have quarantined and branded themselves (see yesterday’s entry “Everywhere I go from Tokyo to Spain, I see Juggalos dancing in a Faygo Rain” if you need a refresher) and as such, the condescending superior asshole, as of course, only he can, points and laughs at the very same qualities that he possesses himself (you know, along with the paint and the soda and all that shit).
Make no mistake, nothing on this earth is more painful than a mirror. Nothing breeds contempt like the familiarity that comes with seeing yourself in another. This, along with unfounded jealousy is what makes the superior hipster douche asshole who condescends from his crappy job serving sandwiches who he is. Poor hipster douche dildo…did the Gaslight Anthem ruin your day? Diablo Cody? John Safran Foer? Vice Magazine? Textsfromlastnight.com? Aw. That’s okay. It’s just, well, those people are talented, and you’re not. At all. You just know how to speak extemporaneously about the societal merits of porn, or schlocky old animated shows, but guess what asshole? When the chuds, swineflu, juggalos, economic downturn, north Koreans, Islamic fundamentalists, supervolcanoes and tyrannical governments all start converging, you’re just as fucked as everyone. Moreso, actually, cuz you’re a broke dildo with no practical skills. Ha. Ha. Ha.