Wednesday, April 29, 2009

No time for the old in-out, love, I've just come to read the meter.

In my quest to define everyone on the earth, here in the confines of this blog, I recently discussed Juggalos. Today, I’m going to discuss their natural enemy.

The unskilled, condescending superior asshole-
This guy…do I ever know him? You know this guy too. He thinks your taste sucks. He laughs at your idea of cool movies and openly mocks your mispronunciation of words, all the while conveniently ignoring he’s just some crappy hack musician/filmmaker/poet who actually has no money, no upward momentum, no class, lives with his parents/employed girlfriend/in his shitty flophouse with his crappy friends and generally has absolutely no concrete reason to feel superior about anything to anyone. His band sucks and he boils it down to people not ‘getting it.’ His art is trite and he boils it down to jealousy. His poems are pretentious bullshit and he’s a fucking WAITER and he has the nerve to suggest it’s the lack of culture in the city/town/world in general that’s keeping his masterpieces from being heard/appreciated.
Smugly, he can retreat into the idea that his job is just the means to a greater end, and that while you are out there, a slave, toiling like all the rest of the plebian fools in your chrome and glass prisons for the rest of eternity, he’s just biding his time until he’s discovered, or until his beat collective takes off or whatever. He conveniently ignores that there’s no fucking practical application to knowing how to pronounce “laden’ properly or how to pick out a good movie starring Mastroainni, or even namedropping hip, old Italian actors in his woefully self important blog. Heh.
Self awareness, actually, is usually not a trait found in the unskilled, condescending superior asshole, just btw, and joking at one’s own expense? Not typical at all. These are the guys who dish it out like CRAZY but can’t take it. This is why they somehow think that a semi decent grasp of flashy vernacular and some snide remarks will trump the fact that they’re an unemployed ex clerk, unable to have a bank account, express a cogent thought, create anything worth a shit or relate to anyone except for their dopey ‘caregiver issues’ girlfriend and probably one lackey who has mistaken this smugness for success.
Make no mistake, these assholes are confident and get laid often. This is almost always immediately followed by tantrums and open mockery (usually in regards to the poor, dumb deluded girl’s friends/cd collection/dumb job/plans etc.), after which the girls that these guys fuck detail these dumb turds’ loserdom on some hipster message board (sorry-mom.com comes to mind) and express that being the bassist in some crappy local band and ordering in French doesn’t actually change the fact that you have a small penis and sleep on a mattress with no sheets and you don’t even have a drivers license.
Now, I’d like to be clear. There’s nothing wrong with being a slack motherfucker who just wants to kick it. It’s cool if you don’t have a bank account or a job or you play in some crappy band and you’re just you know, livin. It’s the superiority that’s what separates this particular breed of arty slacker dipshit from the rest and that actually takes him from the “arty slacker dipshit” pile and puts him in the “Total cocksucker” pile.
As I mentioned before, Juggalos are the natural enemy of the unskilled condescending superior asshole. They embody all the qualities that the superior asshole himself possesses (a crazy, unfounded but utterly unflappable belief that they’re KILLING IT, a crappy job, dumb girlfriend, stupid, stupid favorite band, complete lack of the broader world view etc.) but the Juggalos have quarantined and branded themselves (see yesterday’s entry “Everywhere I go from Tokyo to Spain, I see Juggalos dancing in a Faygo Rain” if you need a refresher) and as such, the condescending superior asshole, as of course, only he can, points and laughs at the very same qualities that he possesses himself (you know, along with the paint and the soda and all that shit).
Make no mistake, nothing on this earth is more painful than a mirror. Nothing breeds contempt like the familiarity that comes with seeing yourself in another. This, along with unfounded jealousy is what makes the superior hipster douche asshole who condescends from his crappy job serving sandwiches who he is. Poor hipster douche dildo…did the Gaslight Anthem ruin your day? Diablo Cody? John Safran Foer? Vice Magazine? Textsfromlastnight.com? Aw. That’s okay. It’s just, well, those people are talented, and you’re not. At all. You just know how to speak extemporaneously about the societal merits of porn, or schlocky old animated shows, but guess what asshole? When the chuds, swineflu, juggalos, economic downturn, north Koreans, Islamic fundamentalists, supervolcanoes and tyrannical governments all start converging, you’re just as fucked as everyone. Moreso, actually, cuz you’re a broke dildo with no practical skills. Ha. Ha. Ha.

20 comments:

Some Young Guy said...

a baby died of swine flu the other day. an AMERICAN baby. guess it's time to start taking it seriously.

Tim said...

I really think we could all benefit if you did a bit on trust-fund hippies. You know the type, like the guy in the Land Rover asking you for spare change.

myassisapipebomb said...

i like how to you included Wicker Park in the tags or whatever thats called.

also, do you watch Kenny vs. Spenny? it's pretty terrific.

kylewagoner said...

I'm kind of pompous when it comes to my music taste, but it's rough when everyone thinks that BoysLikeGirls coming to town has changed their high school lives and then buy All Time Low and/or Nickelback albums and roll in their Dodge Neons with said albums blairing. Maybe I'm just making excuses for myself...but I also have a driver's license and don't get laid.

Some Young Guy said...

goblin fever didn't stick when i sent it to urban dictionary. they'll sure feel like assholes when they die of it next year.

stoopidcomix said...

Finally...I made the list.

Robb said...

I honestly suspect a great many who follow this blog, myself included, have their share of 'unskilled condescending superior asshole' moments. As long as you keep it in check, no biggie. Or so go my thoughts on it.

Also, nice CHUD reference yesterday. Sadly, there are people whom still think the line in Clerks 2, in which Randal calls Dante a 'hideous CHUD', is not a reference to the movie. They claim he says the generic 'chud', or 'choad'. Of COURSE it's a reference; such geeky esoteric shout-outs are the epitome of Kevin Smith. You should set the record straight. The people would listen.

Capt Murdock said...

My brother is in the hospital with suspected Swine Flu and he has been told that he is not allowed to tell family or friends which hospital and they have restricted his phone access.

I was told this by a "doctor" who is caring for him. He claims it is being done to avoid a "unneeded fear" at the hospital.

Oh and that baby funeral was awesome. I bet they served wings and onion rings at the reception.

timziegler said...

Hmmm...I have many but not all of these qualities. Am I just a pathetic hack filmmaker?

Oh, and the secret to picking out a great Mastroianni film is to ask yourself, "Did Fellini direct this? Or Antonioni? Is it titled anything but "City of Women?" If you answered 'yes' to any of these questions you more than likely have a winner.

sean said...

well...shit...at least i'm not a juggalo!

Nico said...

Is the title from Jimmy Carr? I dunno, I *know* I've heard it somewhere.

wilddanimal said...

It's so true, San Francisco is full of those douchebags. They don't understand why anyone would want to live anywhere else, because to them, everywhere else except maybe New York is fucking Dogpatch.

Tony said...

There is absolutely NOTHING terrific about Kenny vs. Spenny.

AJ (Blame the City!) said...

I think just like a lot of the other commenters that I've had my share of moments like the dudes B.K. described today, but I'm sure he has too. Generally when you're in to None More Black and Kerouac and Kevin Smith movies for any reason besides Jay and Silent Bob, you tend to look down on other people's subjectively shittier tastes in everything. The difference is that while some people can make fun of stuff they hate but still step back and say "well hey, this is a matter of opinion" or "not everybody is gonna dig my band/movie/story/nutshots" the unskilled, condescending superior asshole can't see beyond the fact that he thinks he's awesome. so even if he likes the coolest shit in the world he's still, in Brendan's word's, a massive dildo.

Saulio SBJ 123 said...

Does it still count if I keep my belief of superiority inside my head? I am well aware that I'm pretty bottom rung, but I have to keep my self-esteem up somehow - so I tell myself I'm better than the guy that feels the need to shout everything as he walks down the street with his friend.

Jason said...

Some young guy: That wasn't actually an American baby...it was a Mexican baby who came over the border for treatment in Texas, so no big deal.

Nico: The title is from Clockwork Orange

Sam Tie Blogger said...

Its "Alaska to Spain" not "tokyo".. Yes my band has played with the Lawrence Arms and ICP... Not makin this up!

Tony said...

Bit of a douchey thing to correct someone on there Sam.

Jayzilla said...

i wait tables in SF -- i just got labeled -- yikes!!

Andrew said...

so..am I the only one who doesn't know what the hell CHUD is? Does the capitalization mean something?

and what does liking NMB have to do with being a pretentious asshole?