Tuesday, May 11, 2010

ah, gary...I remember you.

There’s no baby still. I’m digging the sleep, but I think my wife is getting a little sick of being pregnant all the time. I see her eyeing the Bacardi 151 and the raw hamburger that we keep by the sink. She’s tired of the ‘straight and narrow’ that pregnancy forces on even the most genteel cigarette eating, raw meat loving, grain alcohol chugging mom-to-be. Once that baby comes, boy…hide your booze stills and your livestock.

Nah, I’m kidding of course. Lord knows I don’t want to put anything out there that could possibly be construed as disparaging towards the understandably impatient overdue pregnant lady I share an apartment/bed with. Bad idea 100% of the time folks. So, just so we’re clear: my wife does NOT eat raw meat, she does NOT eat cigarettes (nor does she smoke them) and she doesn’t drink 151 as far as I know, but who knows what goes on when her and her homies gather to watch twilight.

Anyhoo…

Did I already do the thing where I tell you guys about all my jobs that I’ve had? I think I have, but I’m gonna revisit a job or two, or at least the highlights, because today I’m thinking about my three primary sources of stress: 1) I’m about to have a baby. I want the baby and the mom to be okay at the end of the whole thing (We’ve already talked about this, right?) 2) I’m getting hassled by the IRS. Not really a big deal since I’m fairly sure my shit’s in order and in a second I’m about to go visit my accountant (he’s done my taxes for a decade and we’ve never met face to face. Big day for me. I picture him looking like my friend Eric, but that’s probably just because he and Eric have the same last name. This kind of shit is exciting and almost always disappointing, because I’ve got this perception and it’s gonna be wrong.

It’s not like when I imagine what a girl is gonna look like and then she ends up more attractive. That’s not disappointing, but, well, I don’t have any vested interest in the appearance of my accountant. SO, the end result is this: he can either look exactly like Eric Anderson, or I’ll be disappointed and kind of go through the meeting with this “wow! I can’t believe you look like this!” on a loop in my brain) and he’s gonna handle this shit and it should be cool and finally:

3) I’ve got no job. In the spirit of my unemployment, and in the spirit of that being the only thing on my little list that doesn’t look like it’s gonna resolve itself any time too soon, well, let’s see what I’ve got:

I worked at a comic book store, McDonalds, Ben and Jerry’s, um…what’s the name of that place on the second floor that sells second hand clothes and Halloween costumes and shit? It’s at Belmont and Clark. Ragstock! I worked there for a couple of weeks. I also worked as the door guy at the L and L and as a camp counselor at a jewish themed summer sports camp for third graders. I’ve worked as a copywriter and A and R guy for the media conglomerate Red Scare Industries and I’ve uh…jesus, what else? I do freelance writing for a marketing agency or two here and there. I play in a band and I write a highly successful blog.

Oh shit! I worked at a record store run by one of those guys who tells you all the time how laid back he is, which we all know is code for “I’m high strung as shit and I’ll absolutely freak out at the most random times and you’ll grow to fear me for it.” That guy had a single strip of hairplugs at the top of his forehead (it was all he could afford apparently) but everything else was gone except the toilet seat style ring. He also had a David Crosby mustache and a penchant for absolutely flipping the fuck out and telling people to go fuck themselves and/or kicking people out of the store, refusing to pay people who worked there just based on arbitrary ideas about ‘conduct’ and so on. He fancied himself to be a hippy and his name was gary and he’s by far one of the saddest individuals I’ve ever met.

One of the guys who worked there was a goth kid (actually there were three Goths that worked there) who was a junkie and one day his dealer came in and screamed shit like “hey, where’s my fucking money! I fronted you all that shit and you did it all and you’re not gonna pay me! I’ll fucking kill you!” in front of a crowded store and the boss. Uncool.

Also, this girl named Tara, also a goth, used to brag about the things that the dudes in Coal Chamber stuffed into her vagina on the back of their bus. Really. It wasn’t just dicks and fingers either. Remote controls, he man figures etc. Gross. We wanted to laugh but the whole thing was so generally unappetizing that we couldn’t.

I also worked with a girl who was beautiful and wound up taking cruise ships around the world and discovering and buying exciting and exotic art for a cabal of wealthy collectors. We went on one date after she got this cool new job. She plainly expressed her preference for ‘aryans’ over other races. Somehow, that trumped the hotness and the great job and we never spoke again.

Who else? My buddy mark worked there. He was the other guy who lived in the Lawrence Arms building with Chris and me. Oh, and Jeff. Jeff was a guy who talked about his wife all the time but was obviously gay. He lived in boystown and I don’t know that his ‘wife’ even existed. He also discussed how he used to be in the ‘rat race’ and live the corporate lifestyle and all that but then he decided to give it all up to work at a record store because the pace and lifestyle suited him better. I thought this was a radical (if highly stupid) move until it was revealed that his ‘corporate’ job was working at a coconuts records. Heh.

That job really sucked. I’m glad I’m unemployed. I gotta go meet my accountant now. Wish me luck.

(fart sound)

bye.

37 comments:

Scott said...

dude, freelance writing? Got to be a few of those jobs around right now. Seems like the company I work for is always looking for contract stuff. We are located outside Chicago, but most jobs are hiring in our baltimore office so who knows how much longer i will be employed. I would really like to work with bands/labels or in music or even bartend again. When i was unemployed i was bored, but also did not mind it. It was weird.

Do you consider JBTV a job? That seems like it would be a blast but Toby seemed kinda jokey about it when I talked to him at the Cobra Skulls show.

Maximilian said...

yeah you told about yor jobs allready and stopped at playing in bands. i think exactly at the time when slapstick got formed. and i think you should go on from there.

bobbibowers said...

Copywriters, unite.

Dr. Karl Navore said...

At least you were never a copy clerk, that shit sucks. Trust me I feel like my brain is suffering from atrophy.

Bridgett said...

I would gladly take any of those jobs over the one I am in right now. Anyone want to trade me? 100% on this one. One more trip to the Wisconsin DMV and I may explode. Seriously, anyone got a job for me? My skills include being fat, falling asleep at inappropriate moments, being way too helpful, and knowing random facts about nothing important.

Mark said...

We already know about your record store job, BK.

PS. The Blind Staggers are sweet. Stoked.

Owner Operator said...

http://www.ericandersen.com/
this eric andersen?

Matt said...

What you should do instead of (or probably as well as...) see your accountant, is set up a place where I can actually buy goddamn lawrence arms shirts without it being that black suicide king one.

Mr_Crackovich said...

quick question? this past year i broke my nose playing pickup basketball. some short, muscular kid elbowed me in the nose. I only slightly fractured my nose but the bridge of my nose now has a bump. is it a total puss move to get plastic surgery? thoughts, opinions.

Blake said...

Crack - That's your face now. Get over it.

Robb said...

crackovich - were you already fairly attractive or pretty ugly prior? If the former it could work out in an owen wilson way

Eric said...

i think boning shakes the baby loose bro...give it a whirl

PIXI said...

I agree with Blake.

kylewagoner said...

I've never had a job...other than playing in a band which made $50 at a birthday party one time....

ACE said...

Well I don't know what is worse: having a job while going to school and getting a degree which possible may not help in the future or being unempolyed? I have been serving people coffee for 5 years at Starbucks and am now currentally hitting up school, but my major may no longer do me any good thanks to cut backs in schools. I enjoy reading your blogs, they get me through the day and distract me from my homework! =) You should get paid for that!

Sean said...

I wonder if: no post = new baby?

Anyways, if so, enjoy this happy birthday song I made... except replace the name "Autumn" with your baby's name (Thor).

"It's just a little tune we wrote for you on your special day."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l3rMHsE-Ngg&feature=player_embedded

Kevin Burnett said...

I'm assuming you're at the hospital...an early congratulations to you and your lady...I can't imagine what the feeling is like, as I don't have any rug rats...but I'm sure it's pretty special.

Drunken Acorn said...

No post huh. Then I assume that Ed Pattinson Twilight Bella Kelly has been born and if thats the case, then congrats to you and your family.

Bridgett said...

@Acorn: You forgot Cheeto!

Crooks said...

Dan Andriano just tweeted congrats to the Kellys...so there's that. Indeed, congrats BK, WifeK, BabyboyK, and now BabygirlK. We'll see you Wednesday!

Mark said...

Congratulations Beex!

PIXI said...

Congratulations on your new baby girl!

ACE said...

Woo hoo! The baby is finally here! Congratulations!!

Blake said...

Congrats on the baby! Do you like her?

JoBros (very famous.) said...

Congrats on the baby!

So, I'm doing a research study for one of my classes on the relationship between subjective well-being and creative output (writing, in particular); how it affects writing linguistically and the psychological and biological factors underlying it. I was wondering if I could possibly contact you (via email or something similar) and you could answer a few easy questions (eg, describing your writing process, etc.) for me? I'm trying to get a broad range of people in this study, so if you'd be into it, I'd really appreciate it. Think about it like this, it's for science.

j said...

Congrats BEEEEEEEE K

Banana@1000MPH said...

congratulations if you made a good baby with your sperm, no congratulations if your sperm created a female Jeffrey Dahmer or Ron Jeremy...sorry.

Drunken Acorn said...

Does anyone else have that Teenage Anarchist song stuck in their head. I listened to it yesterday and I can't stop singing it. It's ruining my fucking life. That record needs to come out already.

Mark said...

@Drunken Acorn

It leaked already.

Blake said...

Yeah, that shit leaked before RAR first came out, bro. Get with the times.

Drunken Acorn said...

Really? Fuck I do need to get with the times.

Jake Regier said...

Hey, Crackovich. Don't be a dick. Live with that shit. It's a fuckin' broken bone that'll heal. I was one of those kids who performed mouth-to-mouth on an extension cord, and I can guarantee that I have a satisfactory life with a fuckin' permanently singed lip. Be a man's man.

And very good, Brendan. Time to get the hat trick.

Sean said...

so tonight I was walkin through O'Hare coming home whilst carrying my guitar in its case when a pilot walks up to me and goes "Hey! What kind of music you play? ...Punk/Rock, eh? ...Like Iggy Pop??!! Do they pay you?"

before I could grasp what this older man was saying to me he concluded with:

"Ah, nice t-shirt... The Lawrences? (referring to The Lawrence Arms shirt I was wearing) Well, that's a dumb name for your band! You should choose a new name." And with that he walked off before I could even cock slap him.

Mary said...

Congratulations Brendan! Hope you and your family are getting some well deserved rest =D

nancy said...

Drunken Acorn, usually I'm the last one to know anything, even I got the new AM! last month, I thought it honked for what it's worth. Actually, at first I liked it, then I hated it, then I liked it, then I saw them, and hated it.

Congrats on your new kid-I suppose this means no NE tour...ever...

Andrew said...

Congratulations on your baby girl. I hope your wife recovers quickly and your daughter has a talent for sleeping soundly through the night! My first is coming in August and I'm super excited and kind of anxious... Anyway, congratulations!

HFQQ said...

Maybe we should get some kind of paypal think going where we can give BK money directly so the good old Larry Arms will be basically obligated to keep making sweet music...call it something like...Albums for Grocery Money...or Rent for Records...it could work...