hey tweens!

Sheeeeeeeeeit. Know what I love? Twilight. I love that shit. I’m so fucking excited that that rat girl and that guy that looks like a high schooler’s cartoon are now such big stars that they’re actually influencing the baby names in this country to a point where there’s articles being written about how the name of the rat girl’s character is now the number one name in America. Wow. Cool. That’s great. I was gonna name my daughter Cheetos but now, I’m thinking Bella. Pretty good name, but it doesn’t really sum up how dedicated I am to the franchise. So, maybe Twilight? That’s a pretty name, right? Twilight? How bout Ed? Sure it can be feminine! Remember Holly Hunter in Raising Arizona (which, by the way is one of my favorite movies of all time. Don’t let that list on my profile fool you)? Ed’s a pretty good name for a little girl. Know what else is a good name: Pattinson. There we go. Ed Pattinson Twilight Bella Kelly. Sounds kind of cool.

Glad that’s settled. It’s so much better than Cheetos Kelly, which was (let’s just get this all out in the open) just something we were doing because it’s a family name. This is better though. Nice.

Twilight is funny and here’s why: it’s so simultaneously successful and virginal. Now, sure, I know that the virgin illusion is all the rage these days. Just ask Justin Bebier’s mom (recently trampled by girls at a Target or something) or the girls that like the JoBros or hell, remember Britney spears? She was a virgin once too (I’m guessing when she was twelve) and yeah, it’s that highly chaste, highly sexualized by-way -of-selling-chastity that’s really stoking the flames. It’s like when someone just breathes on your dick for a while and finally you’re like “Man, I can’t take it any more, bro. You gotta start sucking that thing or I’m finna go cuh-RAZY!” It’s the tease factor. Here’s the thing though, these fucking pugs are ugly as hell.

Oh my god! Yes they are! I cannot sit idly by and get told how gorgeous this guy is for another day. Yeah, sure, he’s got the wacky hair and the sunken, sallow, british pale glow that’s obviously in line with what people want, and yeah, he’s brooding and he looks (not to belabor the point) SO much like a cartoon and….fuck, I don’t know. I guess he’s gorgeous. My wife and her homies certainly think so. Twilight is the one thing my wife doesn’t want me around for.

When her girls come over and there’s a vampire movie on the docket, she says things like, “You and marcus should go get some beers tonight. I’ll get up with the baby. Oh, marcus is working? What’s Chris up to? How bout toby?”

I don’t know WHAT goes on while I’m out, but it must be great. Fine. He’s gorgeous. I take it all back, but man, that knock kneed rodenty budget winona ryder…she’s good looking? Really? I see her being like, the hottest girl that you work with at mcdonalds, TOPS…so you know, when you’re stoned and you’re standing there on some down time you think to yourself “who would I bang if this McDonalds suddenly was the last thing on earth and my fellow employees and I had to repopulate? Probably Kristen.” But that’s about it, honestly.

She’s not hot. Hell, maybe that guy’s so hot that just hanging out next to him makes her kind of hot. Kind of like how if you’re in a lot of pictures with Hitler, just hanging out, shooting the shit, passing the beets, whatever, you’re kind of a dick, even if you never really did anything too wrong yourself. I guess it’s like that.

Nah, seriously folks, and I’ve got two quick points here: 1) dudes play this little ‘last mcdonalds on earth’ game all the time. That’s why guys end up banging gross girls. A guy’s standards (despite what anyone may tell you) are like a law school bell curve. The hottest woman in the room, even if she’s kind of a pig, becomes an A and everyone else is graded on a sliding scale down. The quick scan to find the most bangable woman in the room happens uh…what’s the word? EVERY time a guy enters a new room. Right? No? Come on. Who do you think you’re bullshitting here? Okay, anyway, that’s just an aside….up next:

2) The only cool thing about Goths and vampires is the overt sexuality. Once you take that away, you’re left with nerds and goofballs that are little more than people who walk around 24-7 pretending to be paladins or warriors or wizards or whatever. It’s the overt sexuality that sells the thing (and probably gets so many nerds into it in the first place [check yesterday’s entry for a primer on nerds {and yes, of course I meant Alton Brown! Sheesh}]). Vampire movies without sex are like those ‘all chocolate’ reeses peanut butter cups or nonalcoholic beer or baked lays. It’s just fucking stupid. Period.

Okay, listen. I can’t figure this all out right now. I’ve gotta take my dog to the groomers to get shaved up for summer. We’re giving her the full-body Hitler cut with the Rob Pattinson top of the head. It’s called the Sieg Heilight. Gonna be sweet.