Monday, May 24, 2010

elmo has mail, elmo has mail

Wow. Bret Michaels…hole in his heart, pool of blood in his brain, penis encrusted with the drippings of three generations of slute beavs, shiny, smooth head sheathed in mop ends and bandanas and various cowboy hats has done it folks. He won the celebrity apprentice.

In fairness, how do you fire the guy who had the brain hemorrhage, beat the odds and recovered only to find out that he’s got heart problems and STILL finish your dumb show? Can’t be done, and you know who knows that? Donald Trump. He’s nothing if not a master of compassion and the subtle manipulation of public perception all while somehow making money (“Hey, did I mention that I think Snapple tastes great!”).

Plus, I think he’s got a soft spot in his heart (that makes both of them, heyooo!) for people who have the balls to just kick dignity aside and keep rocking their ‘hairstyle,’ critics be damned. Well, I for one am pretty happy for old Bret. As I mentioned before, he’s kind of a hero of mine and I’m glad to see that he’s still out there kicking ass in the final episodes of dumb reality shows. I’m glad that they cut out the scene of him and Donald climbing drunkenly into the shower on the Rock of Love bus, though. Can’t deal with men squeezing other men’s nipples. I’m squeamish like that.

I guess the other big deal from last night was the Lost finale, but I don’t know shit about that, so suffice it to say it left me completely unsatisfied and with a lot of unanswered questions. I’m gonna miss those days of sitting around the table at the diner, though…sitting there just drooling and playing with creamers while people talk about Lost. That’s gonna be a bummer to leave behind. Oh well.

What else? Hmmm…my BP stock doesn’t seem to be doing too well and Britney Murphy’s husband is dead…who saw that coming? Wait… I mean who’s dead? I dunno. It’s like grandmas, once they die, the grandpa is not far behind…this is kind of like that I guess. Again, not something I really care about. I guess it’s sad. BUT, lots of people die all the time. I can’t light a candle for all y’all, so well, shit. Sucks. Sorry, dude’s mom and friends. He’s uh, somewhere else now? Good. Good enough.

Man, sorry to be so scatterbrained. Last night was the kind of night you dream about…that is, if your dreams are about your little baby grunting and squeaking and keeping you awake and then your toddler waking up screaming and pounding on the door at five AM and then the baby just squealing and so you get up and you just kind of put the elmo dvd on and sit there and remember how much cooler/more emotionally devastating it was to still be up at five in the morning continuing to drinking beers before sleeping until 4pm just a few short years ago.

I’ve been thinking about this lately: the galactic walk of ‘is that clock right?!” Not the walk of shame, where you are a girl walking home in your high heels and dress at 7 on Sunday morning (though that one is pretty funny and I LOVE seeing it) but the one where you’ve just been out with your people getting hammered and suddenly it’s day and you’re like “Wait, is that clock right? Oh my god!” and you open the window and it’s fully morning and you get up and your soul hits your pelvis and you slouch your worthless ass home while joggers and people with babies cruise around you (hyper aware of your shameful state) and you just melt into grossness all the way home.

Ugh. Firstly, there’s no way my body could do that now. A decade ago, I could come home at 9 am (this old bar, the Lakeview, [sadly now it’s a quiznos or a tanning salon or something] used to be open til 5am and then reopen at 6. They also sold sixpacks to go, so we’d buy one at five, go down to the golf course and drink it, go back to the bar at 6 and just hang out) sleep for 4 hours and then wake up feeling great and go skateboarding and do the whole thing again. Now if I stay up until 2 I’m worked over for a week. Jesus. It’s a murderous bitch getting old, I tell you what.

Anyway, my point is, now I’m out at six thirty, but I’m one of the people with a stroller and it’s pretty great to watch the zombies parading home. I think that, truth be told, I prefer this…it’s so much less emotionally devastating. I guess that’s kind of a no brainer, huh? Sure it is. Anyway, I feel like a zombie today anyhow, thanks to the one two punch of loud children who don’t know the value of a good night’s sleep, dag-nabbit!

Sigh. Okay, so I’m gonna start doing a punk rock night every Tuesday over at Risque Café, which is on Clark and Sheffield. I’ll be bartending, there will be cool food and beer specials (I think it’s gonna be real cheap pbr tall boys or something) and we’re gonna have punk rock dj’s, bands, acoustic shit, and good music and good food and fun and all that. Also, we’ll make sure at least one tv has boobs on it at all times.

Should be fun. Starting tomorrow. Wow.

I’m going to the zoo,

bye

23 comments:

Candice said...

well i guess i know what i'll be doing every tuesday night this summer.

Mark said...

It's a shame I'm only twenty.

dustyfloors said...

That's awesome.
I was going to head over on Friday but got waaaaaaay to drunk watching that Hawks game.

I myself am feeling drained from kids and their not mine. Babysitting the sis' kids and nothing's worse than trying to make kids that aren't yours sleep while their dad is on a fishing trip and their mom is working overnight at the hospital scanning pregnant bellies determining sex of children. Drained!

See ya Tuesday 6/1/10

Rick said...

I think I made an asshole out of myself friday at risque... wish I could remember...that bullet whiskey sure is tasty though

Sean said...

I'll have to check this Tuesday night thing out...

by acoustic do you mean Chris playing TLA songs and you singing along from behind the bar?

Cuz that would be pretty awesome, in its own right...

Bridgett said...

Oh shit, Tuesdays?! Mr. Kelly, you are the best! Tuesdays are my cheat day. Hopefully next time I drive back from Chicago I won't run over a bumper on the freeway in Kenosha. Oh man, I'm excited.

limited nobility said...

I dont know it's been mentioned but cafe risque is a chain of highway strip clubs that cater to truck drivers and dont serve booze here in florida.Whats up with that bemis story?(fuck!im 27)

limited nobility said...

and asking to be told a story about a man named max..........

Robb said...

Yea we need to sack up and actually do Risque and just accept the potential beatdown from hulking hardened trucker types. It's almost happened 3x now...i remember justin was there one of the times

Karen Kitten Cupcake Sweet said...

in the lovely land of canadia its a holiday right now, so consequently i am one of those zombies, melting in my grosslyness and just getting out of bed. 5:16 pm.
the problem with long weekends is that i forget to eat lunch and dinner sometimes and end up getting loser pissed. thankfully i didnt have to walk home, i got a ride, because im pretty sure i would have barfed if i had to walk more than 10 steps.
it tastes like someone shit in my mouth last night too! awesome!

Maximilian said...

i would have been drunk today if i wouldn't have been the driver for seeing the cobra skulls. i mean if you have to choose to get drunk or to see a great band it's hard, but i'll go for good band cause i get hammered all the time. so i'm no zombie right now, but i was on saturday.

and if my buddy who's going to the us for a year ends up near chicago i'll go visit you as well when i visit him.

AC said...

goddammit man! i had the apprentice saved on my pvr to watch tonight or tomorrow but i just HAD to read the first paragraph of this post.... argh! serves me right, i suppose.

at least bret won. bret is god.

Blake said...

After reading that last statement you made, Karen, I have to ask. Wanna makeout?

Mary said...

I'm gonna be the nerd and say, I think Curtis should have won. He was way more efficient on completing tasks than everyone else was. I was disappointed when Donald fired him, but I agree that it would have seemed shitty to have not given him the win. The end :-P

limited nobility said...

jbody?He's been expressing interest in cafe risque since 94.Its a cliche but it would ruin the mystique.those new highway "soft hand massage" joints make em seem gentrified anyhow

limited nobility said...

wrong word maybe but you know.....

limited nobility said...

benign

啟佐 said...

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dustyfloors said...

The guy above me does have a pretty good point.

Word verification: moxic
Is that like when someone shows moxie and it is contagious?

sheila said...

here you go kids, as promised:

http://www.redbubble.com/people/sleepysmile/t-shirts/5244925-2-bsc-t-1

there are several different style (long sleeve, girly, hoodie, v-neck and even kids sizes!) and color (light on dark and dark on light) options, so be sure to take your time and look at everything.

and thank you for your order, brendan!

EZB said...

yeaaaaa.... that walk of shame is tough, especially in chicago around wrigleyville. Place is overrun with overachievers (bicycle riders at 7 a.m. and the like). It's a tough place to be without a home for a weekend.

kathy g. said...

I think my soul hit my pelvis this morning...
Word verification: "stedi"... not so much

Bridgett said...

@Sheila: you are my favorite person ever. Thanks for doing whatever you did that allows the shirts to come in fat people sizes!