Monday, May 10, 2010

i love jesus but I drink a little

What’s that movie where the bad guys (maybe the good guys…I’m really reaching for a vague memory here folks…pretty sure it’s the bad guys though) come into the room where the person they’re looking for is, but suddenly he’s not there. He was JUST there, but he’s not there anymore. They’re looking everywhere for him in this small, empty room and then we, the audience, by virtue of a low angle camera shot, see the hunted is wedging himself up against the ceiling by holding his hands and feet against the walls. Then, if I’m not mistaken, a single drop of sweat starts to dangle from his nose. And then it falls. Does this sound familiar?

Because that’s what this baby seems to be doing in my wife. Just wedging itself against the ceiling and sweating bullets. No interest in coming out. She’s past due. The bags are packed. All the car seats are in the cars. Everything is ready. Nothing is happening though. Christ. There’s grandparents up in the house and everything. It’s like a strange Christmas where nothing’s going on and the time when you open presents could come at any time and involves a big garbage can for blood and a gift that won’t ever let you sleep again.

There’s not much else to think about and though there’s nothing going on (how can there be?), I don’t really feel comfortable suggesting to everyone that I just may take off and go for a bike ride or hit the gym or see what Nick is up to…Doesn’t seem right.

I mean, to borrow an urban turn of phrase from the mid nineties, this waiting shit’s straight up wack, yo! I just watched Benji Madden’s workout regimen on Perez Hilton’s website (this sentence is true. Here are the sad components of this nightmare of daytime media: Benji Madden himself as he walks us through his gross insecurities with a smug, Bush-ian smirk [“I’m not genetically gifted, so I bleach the hair, hit the gym, get some sun. Being twins with this guy {indicates Joel}, all I hear is how hot he is and how I’m the chubby twin…” and on and on like this. Good lord.] Perez and the things he has to endure in order to perpetuate millionaire bitchpire, the general public who give a fuck about this kind of gloomy crap, the poor fuckers in Benji’s gym who have to be part of this dumb video and of course, me. This is true housewife status shit, folks. I just learned who Gladys from the Ellen show is. For fucks sake. What’s next? Some knitting? Vacuum infomercials? The VIEW?

Whimper.

I need a shot of whiskey and a blowjob while I drive (too fast) over to the cockfight or something to get my dangerous side back in the game. Well, I guess I’m meeting with my accountant tomorrow to deal with my tax issues. Is that badass at all? No? Yeah…not really. Sigh. I used to be dangerous folks. In 99 I only took three showers the whole year. TRUE!

Also, what else? Um….I dunno. I don’t want to get into my various shenanigans too much, but let’s suffice it to say that I’ve stood drenched in swamp water up to my chest, in front of a ten story bonfire in the middle of the woods with nothing in my pockets, forty five minutes from the closest town, on a Monday night, in france with a war photographer from the Korean war and Desert Storm 1, a junkie with a trick knee who was going through withdrawls, a bunch of French people who couldn’t stand me, and an old man- the only person I knew within about sixty miles, mind you, who had no teeth and couldn’t stop telling me that it was all no problem, he and his friends used to jump dirt bikes while high on ecstasy all the time back in LA.

This did not calm me down at all, by the way. Did I mention I was totally freaking out? Oh, because I was.

This is an excerpt from the story of the far and away craziest night of my life. Looking back, I wasn’t really a badass or anything, I was just kind of losing my mind and trying not to cry. But hey, I was lost in the woods with fifty thousand French hippies who were all driving their cars into lakes and setting things on fire and it was snowing and I was covered in swamp water and the junkie was just collapsing in screams every time his bad knee gave out and those stories the old man was telling me about the great times jumping bikes in LA all high were really just contributing to my unease.

The war photographer ran off with the girl covered in blood to fish her boyfriend out of the muddy bog, and everyone I knew (besides the old man, of course) was an hourlong drive away in a hotel run completely by robots (true!).

Oh, and with the exception of the old man, no one would talk to me because I’d thrown my socks into the woods after my incident with the swampwater. And I was sick. Cough and cold sick. Not like meningitis, so, well that’s a silver lining.

I guess the point is, I’d rather be here than back in those woods. Even if people over here are watching Ellen. It’s just the waiting. Who sang that song? Tom Petty? The waiting is the hardest part? I’m pretty sure it was him.

God he’s handsome.

37 comments:

dustyfloors said...

Gotta be more Jewish, right?
I feel like, granted on a much smaller scale, I'm having the same anxiety about waiting to see you guys at SubT. I had a dream about it... My girlfriend was blowing me behind the bar. I don't know how I got the job of bartending at subt but it was pretty rad.

Then I woke up.

Mark said...

I don't find Tom attractive at all. He's got long blonde hair though, which is pretty sexy.

10-4 said...

"In 99 I only took three showers the whole year. TRUE!"

That's pretty astounding. My new year's resolution this year was to take less than 100. But you just took that shit to a whole new level. Bravo.

FranklinStein said...

pretty sure he's referring to chris, mark. "the waiting is the hardest part" is from "endless miles". oh, and brendan, you're gonna have to expand on that story pretty soon. how the fuck did you get yourself into such a ridiculous situation? were you on acid?

oh, and here's my shameless music video plug:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-ymZfLZ5NVA

make sure to watch it in HD 720P!!

Jorge said...

My sister was in labor for 50 hours. She was trying to have the kid at home with the aid of some midwifery, and it just refused to pop. At one point she was cooking black beans on the stove while in labor, so uh, yeah, the waiting does suck.

Word verification: herspout.

Google is fucking prescient, I swear.

Crooks said...

Uh, Franklin, I don't even think Chris would think of Endless Miles for "...the waiting is the hardest part" if it were mentioned in conversation.

kennyg said...

Shit. Now I wanna know what movie that is. Getting up at the ceiling sounds like some shit Jackie Chan would do, but the bead of sweat coming down from his nose doesn't really seem like any of his movies' style. His movies don't really have that kind of suspense.
If it were Jackie Chan, I feel like instead of a bead of sweat falling, HE would fall doing cyclone kicks and karate chops and shit. That's more his style. Hah
What was I saying?

Jennifer said...

So, BK, here is a little nugget of info you may enjoy. I work for a concert promoter and we have an upcoming show with ICP. (Listen, I'm not proud - none of us are- but we gotta do what we gotta do to pay the bills and whether we like it or not they sell out every show every time they come to Portland.) Anyway! I was just uploading their poster to our website when something caught my eye. In addition to the opening acts on the bill being such renowned artists as Coolio and Kittie (I shit you not) there will be an event called Juggalo Championship Wrestling. Now, I am not not 100% sure but all I can surmise is that it is a bunch of Juggalos going at each other in a ring. I think I may need to attend said show just so I can honestly say I have been witness to such a remarkably fucked up thing. Anyway, just thought I would share. Now on to your day of waiting some more.

Candice said...

some things:

-i think the movie was mission impossible. i could be, and probably am, wrong.

-waiting is the hardest part is definitely tom petty.

-"Oh, and with the exception of the old man, no one would talk to me because I’d thrown my socks into the woods after my incident with the swampwater."
--you especially should know, brendan- never discard your socks.

Viz said...

If you switch "drop of sweat" with "drop of blood", then the movie is Spider-Man. But they may have been ripping someone else off.

Robb said...

def mission impossible. have people under like 22 even seen the first mission impossible? after all that was waay back in '96. it's a half serious question.

Banana@1000MPH said...

I saw Mission Impossible, the first one...but I thought of Spiderman...but I didn't remember it was Spiderman.

balls yo said...

Hey Socks and Brendan,
I will be in chicago on Sunday...any suggestions on best shit to get into???
Also, anyone wanna sell me a ticket to the show lemme know...name your price!

Love y'all

Zac said...

pretty sure chris was tippin' his hat to tom petty anyway. and who wouldn't? one of the greatest.

Trace said...

I'm 22, and I have seen Mission Impossible.

Ann.H. said...

I hate to admit that I even think I know this...
It was Tom cruise, but I think it was the firm. Haven't seen the movie in ages but I remember stupid shit like that.

dustyfloors said...

kennyg - Jackie Chan does indeed pull that move in "Who Am I?"
I'm 90% sure that's what movie it was.

Nico said...

Yeah its kinda a movie cliche, there are bound to be a few. and SOMEWHERE on the internet i read an interview where the france story is told in greater detail.

Ryan said...

Yeah I remember reading this story in an interview and a youtube interview. Shit sounds whack dawg. Was there not a scene like this in one of the Hulk Hogan movies where the guy had a metal plate on his head, possibly??

Johno said...

There is a sweat drop in Mission Impossible but i'm pretty sure that's not the one he's referring to. But I might be wrong.

Owner Operator said...

"The waiting is the hardest part. Every day you get one more yard. You take it on faith, you take it to the heart. The waiting is the hardest part!"

Tom Petty is a god and I hoep you're not mocking him!

Blake said...

Robb - I'm 25 and barely remember that movie. That scene and the ridiculous part where he took off that mask are all I can remember.

Candice said...

god you're old, blake.

Andrew said...

i've seen mission impossible, jackie chan's who am i?, and spiderman
the first one i thought of was jackie chan

and tom petty rules.
that is all.

Jake Regier said...

Here you go, Brendan. It'll make the waiting easier knowing that dumbasses are still funny in a sad way.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sdDsNiPxDZc&feature=related

J said...

There's a drop of sweat thing in Mission Impossible, but I think he catches it to keep it from hitting the magic security floor. I don't remember people being there.

First movie I thought of was The Professional. Goddamn sweetest shootout scene ever filmed. Besides Heat.

peter said...

It’s like a strange Christmas where nothing’s going on and the time when you open presents could come at any time and involves a big garbage can for blood and a gift that won’t ever let you sleep again.


best analogy ever

Karen Kitten Cupcake Sweet said...

if it makes you feel any better, you arent the only one waiting for your ladyfriend to pop. I have some irish friends who were due 5 days ago. FIVE. how scary would that be? the more i think about labour, the tighter i cross my legs. That shit is crazy.

Sean said...

pretty sure he's referring to chris, mark. "the waiting is the hardest part" is from "endless miles". oh, and brendan, you're gonna have to expand on that story pretty soon. how the fuck did you get yourself into such a ridiculous situation? were you on acid?

oh, and here's my shameless music video plug:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l3rMHsE-Ngg

make sure to watch it in HD 720P!!

Nick said...

What the fuck just happened? Sean, FranklinStein, explain yourselves.

Candice said...

i was due to arrive on april 11th and wasn't born until may 3rd. i think my mom wins.

Banana@1000MPH said...

In honor of your baby (you are definitely having a baby right now), I am going to listen to that Justin Beiber song that goes "baby, baby, oh baby!"

Maximilian said...

just to step into the discussion: i think that happens in several movies. i think of the transporter and tripple x right now, but could be wrong with both.

Sean said...

I enjoyed FranklinStein's video..


.... so I decided to plug a video of my own I just recorded.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l3rMHsE-Ngg

Nick said...

xXx was a really good movie

Ryan said...

Speaking of acid, I watched some middle aged hillbillies go at it on my street and then fuck in a port-a-potty while tripping last week. Then we taped the door shut and the dude got pissed, one of the more entertaining things I've seen recently.

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