I’m at a diner. I’m having some coffee. I’m going to witness my friend’s courthouse nuptials today, and I was supposed to have band practice, but due to a tiny little bit of logistical problems and a lingering refusal of my child to sleep past 345 in the morning I’m just sitting here drinking coffee and rapping at y’all instead. In the booth next to me are four cops of various ethnicities. As far as I can tell, they’re opposed to the woman in Colorado who the news just reported put her baby in a dumpster, they’re opposed to Miley Cyrus and they don’t seem to like Barack Obama. Now, I’m no huge fan of any of this shit, cops included but I’m gonna weigh in here, as though I were sitting at their table (no easy task considering that the slimmest of them is about 280 lbs), just bullshitting along with them. Well, no. I’m eavesdropping and what follows will be some kind of halfassed and highly editorial transcript.
Okay, so the white guy likes the Miami Dolphins (a team that no one should be able to get behind, if based on nothing more than the ubiquitously smug Dan Marino and his [and by extension the whole franchise’s] appearance in Ace Ventura, one of the most irritating films ever made [and all that self important dick thumping about their 72 season doesn’t help matters either]) and the black guy likes Blackhawk helicopters and hates some form of treason. God, I wish I was a cop so I could sit over there and talk with them about this shit. Maybe I’d say something like this:
Yeah, lady on the breaking news. Why are you dumping your baby in the garbage? There’s so many ways to get rid of children that don’t involve putting them in the trash. If that’s the best you could come up with, well, you deserve all the trays that the women in prison are gonna beat you with in about 3 hours when you get processed. Let’s think about it, shall we? You could give the kid up for adoption. You could put the kid in a foster home or religion-oriented orphanage or you could even just be a shitty parent and get the kid taken away from you. Stand in front of the police station with your baby and smoke a little crack, for fucks sake. Or go stand in front of a church and wave your tits at passing cars. I mean, yes yes yes…it bears mentioning that these are reprehensible things to do, and that kids that wind up in foster homes and shelters generally have a very rough time and that’s completely unfair, but uh…give me the choice between growing up in some twisted hillbilly foster home with a pervy uncle and a mean foster sister or dying in some Wendy’s dumpster next to a bunch of half eaten junior bacon cheeseburgers and melted frosties, uh, it’s no contest. Once you’ve made the ethical leap after which you’ll no longer give a shit about your baby, how bout making the self preservation influenced decision to get away from the kid in such a way that doesn’t end up with you in jail and hated by absolutely everyone on earth for being a monster, eh? I mean, look around. It’s 2010 and no one has parents anymore. But they didn’t all get tossed into dumpsters either. Use your head, deadbeat prison mom!
Now, it’s been determined that the cops at the next table don’t like what’s happening in Pakistan and/or Afghanistan. Well, shit. I dig complaining about that, right? I mean, who likes what’s going on there? Is there anyone? Probably not. It’s kind of akin that ugly girl from your sixth grade class that’s also a bitch. Remember her? No one likes her. She’s dumb and her teachers and mom hate her and she’s ugly so the guys and hot girls hate her and she’s mean so even the other nerds shun her. That’s our little wartime situation. I don’t think there’s a person on earth that enjoys the American military presence in Afghanistan except for maybe some shadowy vampire smoking man types who are making money off the blood of the blaaaaaaaaaaah blaaaaah blaaaaah. You know who I’m talking about. I mean, right? Presumably troops would rather be home with their families, dying people would rather be not dying and local warlords would rather just be lording over their local folks, right? I don’t know…there’s probably more to this war situation I’m missing. There’s dudes that just like killing, right? And cars need oil. Hmmmm…this one’s not so easy to govern. These cops, thankfully seem to be having a healthy discourse at least.
Okay, white cop just silenced the table with his ability to name every American president (in order!!!) since Carter. No small feat. The other cops seem a little cowed. This topic sucks. Up next: Miley!!! Are we with her or against her?
Okay, yeah, miley is kind of dumb and vapid and she’s hot one second and looks like a football dressed up as a slutty pig the next, but there’s no denying that she’s about to provide the world with some of the best entertainment ever in the form of her filthy drug and cock fueled freakout and subsequent decline. (black guy cop just sang an old army recruiter theme song at Mexican cop and mocked him for not ever being in the army. He then called him ‘Chico’ and I’m pretty sure that he’s not actually named Chico. White cop just read a Wikipedia entry on the panama canal. Turns out that it was built by the army under Carter. Coooool. I mean, if that’s the kind of information you didn’t already know, uh, that’s cool. Right? Sure.) I love Miley’s weird relationship with her dad and her creepy old boyfriends and her totally gross brother who’s totally got fangs and drinks blood (probably).
Nah, I totally disagree with these cops on their Miley hating. She’s great. I mean, hasn’t the world already seen her clam, when Perez tweeted it or something? I’ve just heard that. I’d never look that kind of shit up on the internet because the last thing I need is some sort of SWAT team busting into my house and ruining my life because I googled “Miley’s beaver” or something. That would be a drag. Maybe one of these guys is also SWAT. Nah, they’re all fat and old.
Oh, now officer Chico is talking about ‘the corporations’ and their shadowy cabal that rules the world.
White cop just said “they don’t hate us for our freedom (he’s presumably talking about Miley and Billy Ray, who, last time I checked had quite a bit of freedom themselves)” and I gotta say, I’m impressed that we’re getting somewhere in the neighborhood of rational and well thought out trains of thought over here. Maybe these cops are smarter than I’m giving them credit for, eh? Eh? Hard to say. Oooooooh! Black guy cop just used the phrase “you’ve been bamboozled by the media.” Come on Chico, pull it together!
The phrase “mr. Gorbachev, I just pooped my pants” just got uttered. I’m out.