Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Ann Landers is a boring old biddy!

Well, well. It’s Wednesday. It’s tot swimming day over here, which is pretty exciting. Also, it’s uh…what? Um, well, fuck. That’s about it. I suppose I’m playing at Reggies with the Smoking Popes this Friday, which should be cool. I’ve always wanted to meet those guys, so that’s exciting.
What’s in the news? The Olympics? That’s cool. Uh. I like the Olympics. Look. I’m just stalling, okay. I got two advice questions this week (one that’s pretty rough) and I’m trying to figure out how to answer them. I think I’m just gonna go for it.
First up, the guy with the…uh, well, here’s the query:

Q:
So, this past Friday, my grandfather, a man of 81 years of age, attempted to shoot himself in the head. My father ending up getting there in time to wrangle the gun away from him, but in the end, they had to send him to the Veteran's Affair's equivalent of an institution for observation. I'm living in New York now, so I had to catch a flight back home to Chicago just to 'show solidarity' as my step-mother would say. My grandmother, his wife of 50 years, died two years ago and he has understandably, been unable to get over it. Now we're having the uncomfortable 'What do we do with grandpa?' talk. I'm 26 and have a rather pregnant girlfriend back in New York whom I can't really uproot (the whole finding a job back home thing, I could care less about- I miss Chicago). My father lives a good hour and a half from my grandfather, and we really don't want to ask one of my grandfather's brothers to put him up. Couple that with the fact that he's stated very flatly that he intends to try it again. I feel like I'm in that episode of South Park where Stan's grandfather keeps trying to kill himself. So, I think the question is, how the hell can anyone address this sort of thing? If someone wants to die, I feel they have the right to do just that. It's sort of selfish, but your life is your life. I know this is a bit of a ways off of your normal sex/dick joke advice mailbag, but another set of eyes would be cool.

A:
Uh, well. Hmmmm. Uh, well you nailed it. This is a pretty far cry from the usual dick joke mailbag, but let’s see if I can’t squeeze one in anyhow. Not that it’s appropriate, but hey, that little pun was a nice start, right? Okay, down to business. There doesn’t seem to be any nice way around this. Your grandpa wants out. there’s no one around to keep him company and make him feel like life’s worth living (and let’s be honest, that’s nobody’s fault. When your life partner dies, sons and grandsons stopping by here and there are little to no comfort, so I wouldn’t beat myself up about that, were I you, your dad or your great uncles.)
Obviously, I can’t tell you what to do with a member of your family, but the advice I can offer is this: You’ve got extremely limited time with this man, one way or the other. Do you feel at peace with the idea of him being gone? If not, make some peace. If so, hey, you’re right. Mofos want to die, mofos should be allowed to die. He’s 81, he’s been around and he’s done. I leave parties before everyone else all the time. No shame in it. What you do with him is really something that only your family and his care providers can really determine (though if I was old and ready to die and I wanted to kill myself, I’d be pretty stoked if someone just set me up in a cabin somewhere) but you can be a catalyst for your family to make sure that they’re all on the same page in terms of recognizing your grandfather’s wishes, rooting out selfish wishes that aren’t in his best interest (often, children keep their parents alive against the parent’s will because, for a variety of reasons they can’t bear to have the parent die. I think we can all agree that’s not a very cool move, even if it does prolong life) and generally keeping the lines of communication in your family open. You seem to have a good handle on this, so shepherd the people in your family who maybe don’t. Not very good advice, maybe, but this right to die shit is sticky business, man. Um…hope that helps. Jeez. Oh, and uh…did you hear about the guy with five dicks? Oh, you did? Fuck. Next time, duder. Good luck.

Okay, up next, a recent divorcee is finally sticking her clam back in the dating pool and she doesn’t know how to go about properly wrangling the dong of the dude she’s flying across the country to see. Well, in fairness, she’s flying for business and she hopes to see this dude while she’s on her trip. She was married ten years and is understandably out of practice. What else can I tell you about her? Her emails are extremely long (hence this summary) and she’s apparently pretty hot. Dude’s in a band. She’s gonna go see his band play one of the three nights she’s out there, and she wants some dong out of the deal. The guy makes her nervous and makes her drink too fast and she ends up wasted. She’s smitten! It’s been so long! She’s nervous! What to do????

Well, okay. This is MUCH easier than the last one. Fuck. Here’s what you do. First, send me some pictures of yourself. I gotta know what I’m working with here. Preferably topless. Okay. That’s step one. Step two: You call the dude. Do you have his number? Oh, but you can get it? Good. Then call him, or email him or whatever and let him know that you’re gonna be in town and see if he wants to get dinner or get a beer on a day that’s NOT the day of his show. Say something dumb like “I’m just gonna be dicking around and I really don’t have any friends/plans. You wanna get a beer or a burger or something?” Here’s what this does: it innocently puts out there that you’re interested in seeing HIM specifically. Now, the day of the show is probably a bad time for your one-shot-at-schlong. Here’s why: He is gonna have a shit ton of friends around, he’s probably gonna have to go back to his practice space and unload his gear, he’s gonna have after parties and shit all planned out and if, in the past, you’ve been wasted together at shows and it hasn’t all worked out well, WELL, this isn’t gonna be a very different situation. Now, I’m not saying that you can’t make it happen that day. Hell, listen, if you’re good looking and want to bone and this guy is single and you get along and you live on opposite sides of the country, he’ll bone you. That’s a fucking promise. All you have to do is make sure that you get some time when he’s not just dicking around with his friends/ in the same room with the girl from his immediate circle that he likes that he doesn’t want to seem like a skeez in front of etc. (and if such a girl exists, she’ll be at the show, so keep that in mind. He may be less receptive at the show because he’s got his sights on some local tang. That’s no problem for you, just a temporary roadblock.)
I’m rambling a little, but here’s the advice in a nutshell: diversify your options. The show is NOT the place to go all-in, because you don’t know the myriad situations that could be preventing him from being able to devote the attention to you he may like to. Send him an email, or call him. This clearly, CLEARLY will say “I’d like to bone, please” and he’ll respond appropriately. As for when you’re face to face…um, I dunno, get drunk and whisper to him a lot. That seems to work. I mean, fuck. Keep the conversation light and don’t do shots. Nothing kills excitement like talk of an ex or sudden barfing. And nervous girls tend to pound shots way faster than they should. SO, I think we’re good here. Make your intentions ‘innocently’ known beforehand, don’t bank on the show, and stick to cocktails and beer. Whisper. Uh…dress kind of sexy. Dicks are easy devices to work. They’re like garage doors. They go up and down and pretty much anyone can master the controls in like, fifteen seconds.
Um, good luck? Let us know how it goes!

Okay,
I’m out of here. Swim time. Later dildos!

25 comments:

chris said...

dude im in a band and ill fuck the divorced chick.

sorry to hear about your situation with your grandpa other dude. there is no way to stop him from checking out if thats what he wants. as bk says make sure your ok with that...

whos going to reggies friday?

Candice said...

will that second set of advice work on neil?

Mark said...

How have you not met the Popes yet? Your drummer is their drummer.

dustyfloors said...

The line "dicks are easy devices to work" is the most hilariously true thing I've ever read in this space. I laughed out loud at work and nearly spit coffee... Kinda choked a bit actually and the laughing turned to a fit of coughing.

Kevin Burnett said...

Anyone read the Skiba interview on punknews? After reading it, I'm not surprised these two are buddies...the sarcasm was excellent.

Have a good week socks. It's hump day, go hump something.

FranklinStein said...

I read the Mr. Skiba interview. Two things irked me: He said what he's said countless times before in the last 6 months: "this record's a return-to-roots record...". NO IT'S NOT!!! Crimson was a step in the right direction, as was Agony and Irony. He's developed some sort of complex, since the "old school trio" fans apparently found Agony and Irony an embarrassment. Fuck that. "Love Love Kiss Kiss," despite what most of the .orgers say, kicks ass. "Ruin it", on the other hand, with the auto-tuning, is the only thing on that album that is remotely embarrassing.
Second, as far "Demos" go, Mr. Skiba should release that shit for free. The notion that some of the songs came about because he was "stoned and messing around in [his] room" does not sound very appetizing.

jbody said...

mark's comment reminds me of the 'skiba raver pants story' from the slapstick dvd video commentary.its still on theirspace

sean said...

i wish the advice columns in newspapers were more like this post. A+

and...

where can i find this Matt Skiba interview?

jbody said...

in the interview skiba called agony and irony a "great record" and said that this addiction is a "progression" of sorts.The return to the roots seems to be in reference to the organic way in which the record came together and of course the fact that matt allison produced it in chicago.I do agree that nobody should take seriously the musical opinions of ogre's though....

Karen Kitten Cupcake Sweet said...

www.punknews.org

or more specifically:

http://www.punknews.org/article/37105

I think this advice was spot on. Im sorry to hear about gramps, but im also a believer of people making their own decisions, even if its about taking their own lives. who are we to tell him hes not hurting and has to drag on?

And as for the show dong, as it would be, you have to remember things about boys in bands.. theyre sweaty. Theres going to be some serious swass and swalls after the show. but i suppose if you are flying across the country, you'll take what you can get, right?

Justin said...

So, I know I'm a little late to the party here, but it was a bit of a hectic day. I'm the grandpa guy. Today, we had a 'group session' with my brother, father, great-uncle, grandfather, and his doctors. One of the tidbits of knowledge which I didn't have at the time of this happening was that he had been seeing a call girl for a good year and a half prior to this mess. He had developed feelings for her, and she sort of shot him down.

Firstly, when I'm 81, I hope that I'm nailing girls younger than my youngest grandchild. (Y'know, assuming the wife's gone and all. Why not live a little?) And I can totally level with having feelings- it's only natural. They took him home today and I have to get back east tomorrow as I've all ready burned a good bit of vacation. He claims he's seen the error of his ways and understands that what he did was wrong, but no one is buying it. He says he wants to go to meetings and all that jazz, but again, it smells off. Christ, if I were in his shoes (wife of fifty years and what not), I'd probably be looking at the same conclusion he reached. Life's funny, kids.

Anyway, thanks for the words Beex and Socks.

Emma said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
misshennessy said...

Whoa, whoa, whoa Candice....back off girl. You're the Brendan stalker leave Neil stalking to me. :) bet we both are wishin to be in Chicago this weekend!

Emma said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
emma said...

First off Justin my heart goes out to you. It makes my advice query seem even more superficial now than I felt while writing it. I don't pray but I'm sending positive thoughts to you.
Secondly, wow thanks so much for the advice Brendan. I have already emailed him and we're going out for drinks fri night after my work engagement. Yay! At the show sat I'm gonna stick to beers only! Wish me luck. I'm gonna go dust off the old vag and get ready to go. I'll let you know Monday if all goes well.

emma said...

Oh yeah, forgot to thank chris for the kind offer ;)
Not that hard up... yet

Robb said...

Oh so Candice favors Neil now? Looks like we're in competition.

Andrew - if you're still wondering Kiss the Bottle is on the 'Etc.' compilation...not sure if/what it was originally released on

Jesus said...

The Olympics ARE cool! Canada's womens hockey is setting scoring records and the men are going to do it this year!
Seriously, that's all Canadians care about. Every other event can shove it.
Props Beex.

Candice said...

i was hoping if i went for neil, miss hennessy would be part of the deal.

i was looking for a new person to play harmonica with.

you can watch, robb.

Bridgett said...

Has Mr. Kelly ever spoken of a 3-way? Or advised on one? Seems like something up his alley, not to be in one specifically, but to speak of them. I'll start: they're a rip-roarin' good time.

kylewagoner said...

I loved yesterday's post and I loved today's. And I look like Shaun White from the Olympics, do I not?

http://c4.ac-images.myspacecdn.com/images02/48/l_4262eba51fd04aa48c29331a569583df.jpg (me)

http://c2.ac-images.myspacecdn.com/images01/30/l_36774f0145392b94d9f2e7d8f94dfb5d.jpg (also me)

http://www.greenopia.com/image/news/shaun-white.jpg (Shaun White)


love,
Kyle

Andrew said...

thanks robb. i'll look for it

Blake said...

This was a captivating read. The title really set me off.

LET'S GO OFF TONIGHT!

misshennessy said...

hmmm... Candice, I like where you had is at girl ;)

misshennessy said...

Meant to type your head... Stupid iPhones!