Tuesday, February 16, 2010

evacuate the dancefloor!

Gentlemen: It’s night. You’re at some dumb bar/club. You’ve been drinking. You want to get laid, or perhaps you just want a blowjob. You begin to notice that all the girls that feature the kind of external indicators that get you in the mood for blowjob receiving are on the dance floor. “But I don’t dance.” You think to yourself. You look out onto the dance floor. There are dipshit dudes dancing around. Some are great dancers, most look kind of stupid. You think to yourself “hey, fuck it. I’m drunk. I don’t really dance, but I can’t possibly be as bad of a dancer as that greasy dipshit with the sweatstains and the three hundred dollar jeans over there” and you decide to get out there and go for it. I mean, fuck. Check out that guy! He’s dancing with two hot chicks! They seem into him. Again, fuck it. You gulp down the last of your beer, grab a new one and hit the floor, bobbing up and down like a flailing mongo, holding your beer over your head and kind of smiling/raising your eyebrows at girls that you happen to be in the proximity of.
And it begins.
You’ve just painted the scarlet letter of the total loser on your own forehead, my friend. Sorry. We’ve pretty much all tried this, and I can safely say that the success rate of this plan is pretty close to zero percent (I’m only counting the entire history of biped mammals here, though). This is like trying to get to the moon by reinforcing the springs on your trampoline or trying to get high smoking banana peels. It’s a nice little try, but you’re ignoring some empirical and immutable data that’s just not gonna change, no matter how hard you try to believe.
See, women go out to dance. They call up their girlfriends and they go out to dance. Now, I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking about those clubs in Miami or wherever when dudes just happen to end up dancing with hot chicks, then they sit down, they’re all hot from the sensual magnetism of their shared love of dance and all that and next thing you know: boom! Pussy town!
Well, no. That’s not how it works. Women go out dancing in groups and the first rule to picking up chicks is there’s almost no way to separate one girl from a group of girls under any circumstances. Women rely SO much on what their friends think of their choices. That’s why you’ll constantly hear women mention that they dress sexy for other girls, not guys (which, frankly is obvious, because if they dressed sexy for guys it would be pretty simple: tits out, minimal beav coverage. Boom! Guys are impressed. [oh, and any guy that says that they think that is disgusting is JUST saying that as part of a more advanced ploy to get laid, by the way. Sure, it may be disgusting. Hell, it’s USUALLY kind of disgusting. But dicks speak loudly, and when shit’s out there, it can be both disgusting and bangable, so don’t let him fool you, ladies.]) Now, back to the situation (heyooo!). You’re trying to lure one girl away from a group of girls, well, chances are you have some fundamental flaws in the eyes of at least one of the girls in the group, and therefore, in the eyes of the girl you’re trying to impress, EVEN IF SHE LIKES YOU, you equal a potential bad decision, frumpy bag or ugly pair of shoes in the eyes of her friends. No chick is just gonna walk away from her group of friends and bone you. Sorry, you’re not Robert Pattinson, bro. And that’s just in ANY situation. Okay, back to dancing.
The girls go out dancing together. First clue that they aren’t looking to get laid. Women that go out to get laid go out to places where they can be approached, and go in either pairs, mixed groups or alone. Period. Sure, there’s a wayward drunk slut here and there, but that’s not something you can bank on, and in my experience, she ends up barfing or getting too stupid to deal with before deal-sealing time anyhow. So anyway…
Know why I’ve never had a girlfriend of mine ever ask me if I wanted to go dancing? She knows the answer. SURE, she’ll say shit like, “well, I wish you’d come dancing with us” but that’s doublespeak-jive-talk, man. She wants a Man. That’s why she’s interested in me. If she wanted a guy that would go dancing, she would have picked a VASTLY different dude, and she knows this. Look at all her friends. They don’t like dudes who dance either. Know why? Because dudes that dance fall into three categories: Gay, Jersey Shore, and Creepy Loner Who Still Hasn’t Figured Out That Groping A Stranger’s Ass Is Still Totally Unacceptable, Even On A Dance Floor. Which one are you? Okay, then. You’re not getting laid. No one’s ever gotten laid on the dancefloor, don’t let the Pussycat dolls fool you. Just let those ladies enjoy their girls night out. If you really, truly think you can fuck em, go to the Ihop at 4am, because that’s where they’ll all wind up. Drunk and messy and shoveling pancakes in their mouths and farting up a storm. Good luck.

31 comments:

dustyfloors said...

This is hilarious. Every time I've ever found myself on a dance floor with some random chick I always have this out of body experience. I see myself down there and immediately want to punch myself in the dick for being one of the larger douches in the building... Naturally however, I kept dancing because I am drunk enough to think that this girl might actually do me before barfing all over me in a cab. This is actually a premonition 98% of the time.

Mark said...

This post makes me mad. I love dancing. Its just fun. Dave Hause from the Loved Ones told me once, "you'll never get laid if you don't dance"

Moxie. said...

this is genius. A+

Candice said...

You are dead on with this. I hate when guys try to dance with me. I'd rather them watch me dance with other girls. Sometimes I don't mind if they stand there and let me dry hump them but I'll go over to them for that, not the other way around.

You really understand women.

Mr Kroket said...

You're my lifestyle's Guru.
In Italy is pretty the same except for the drunk american slut that you can meet at Campo de Fiori in Rome. I love them.
There's a pint of Slalom that is waiting for you.

ciao

Ryan said...

This was the best post in a long time, enough with the American Idol, stupid morons garbage.

Jayzilla said...

best advice post of 2010!!

misshennessy said...

So true!

Nick said...

This still doesn't answer the question of what you are supposed to do if you end up at one of these establishments (frat house, club, Halloween dance, Co-op party) on the whim of a group of friends, and everyone else ends up dancing.

If you avoid dancing, you are the creepy loner who can't dance and is staring at everyone and kind of bobbing your head. If you do end up dancing, you look like a god-damned fool. My strategy is usually to try to drink enough to where I don't remember how intolerably painful the whole situation was, but this isn't always possible in said establishments. Ideas?

Scott said...

you should just hand this out at the door for most shitty clubby bars. F-that, I just might do it.

Banana@1000MPH said...

Mark, I think Dave was hinting that you'll never get laid... Hey, I didn't say it, don't get mad at me.

Sean said...

HAHAHAHAHA

The last line was amazing...

Beex, any chance The Lawrence Arms or just you and your guitar will be coming down to the Miami, FL area anytime soon?

haha

Mark said...

That very well might be true, Banans.

Matt J. Weber said...

Phenomenal advice/observation.

There is zero chance of looking cool on a dance floor...with the possible exception of Jon Favreau in Swingers...but even that situation had an improbable compilation of elements to it that were essential to said coolness:

ie; Heather Graham, Big Bad Voodoo Daddy, hair looking just right, etc., etc.

Great post today.

Shannon said...

You're like will smith in hitch

Seagull Steve said...

Pure gold today. Usually when I'm that guy who's drunk and says "fuck it" its simply to avoid being the only one in a group who is lurking on the side of a terrible club he never wanted to enter in the first place....which really isnt that much better.

jbody said...

sage advice for anyone over 23 (unless were talking swing/salsa etc) but for any male 18-22ish jumping into those stinky estro-circles aka "nuva rings" on occasion is going open you up to sex acts from chicks that have unconvincing fake baby voices are genuine fans of jessica simpson and paris hilton and who have bush stickers on their jeeps.Adjust this trend to 2010 as its been years for me. montag,palin,infiniti hovercrafts etc I guess.Fuck florida!I implore you......harvest of hope?robb

Jesus said...

Ha! Someones never seen Keys to the VIP...
So what should us regular, blue collar slobs do to get bitches? Past getting overly drunk and wearing a tight shirt at clubs, I'm fresh out of ideas.

Bridgett said...

My boyfriend's right. I really might as well have a dick. When I go out dancing (and by "go out dancing" I mean go to a frat party with a group drunken sorority girls with boyfriends at home) I'm trying to find the drunkest dude to buy me drinks and take me home. Or maybe it's because I'm fat. He'll hit on them, get turned down, so he'll go with me instead. Hmm. Fat people always going and throwing a wrench into the works.

Kevin Burnett said...

You know why I keep coming back to the chronicles everyday? Because of posts like this, man.


See, most of us have been in this situation before. And while all this is panning out, we get this whole essay mashed into one tiny, compact, instantaneous feeling. At the time, we can't really expound upon it or describe it, but we just KNOW that guy is not getting laid.

But the feeling passes and you go home and you just tack it on the pile of observations you've made about life so far.

And then BK comes along and writes 1,000 words on this one little observation you had and it's spot fucking on. See, that's what relating is all about. I can relate to that shit.

Well done, sir.

Johno said...

This is highly apt for the night I had last night.

But now I think i'm aware of it enough that I just dance like a twat and have fun without worrying about looking like an idiot. I think.

Dave said...

Today's post was especially true for any guy age 30+.

And I always look forward to reading Bridgett's comments.

Blake said...

Great post.

Drew Brooks said...

That's exactly why the hell I don't dance.

Showtyme said...

I hate to admit this, but the song that is the title to this post (by Cascada) is really fucking catchy. I listen to it at least once a day, but only when nobody else is around.

Robb said...

Err…I’m pretty sure most anyone who’s attended a four year university or otherwise lived in a large cheesy city for any length of time can testify to the fact that sweaty awkward maneuvering to top 40 hip hop DOES in fact occasionally facilitate the attainment of pussy for those in the roughly 18-23 range (add 3-5 years to this age limit for smaller/rural/culturally-devoid communities), whether directly or indirectly. I’m not saying it’s just or right--I’d even go as far as to say it’s one of the myriad of wrongs in this world--but it happens. It’s clearly not something to bank on and the scenario you’ve depicted pans out as such about 95% of the time even in that key age range, yet every year in cheesy college bars across this great nation, particularly in the fall months, a potent cocktail of peer pressure/perceived social expectations/sheer stupidity/impaired drunken judgement/too many Sex And The City reruns leads the occasional wayward fresh-faced freshman lass to interpret asinine dance maneuvers (OR the unflappable confidence displayed therein) as sexual prowess and an irresistible aura of intrigue. If it hasn’t happened for you then you’ve probably witnessed it happen for a friend or some random stranger.

JSIN said...

I don't dance.

planespotting said...

Beex - there are situations where being on the dance floor can pay dividends:

1) If you're with a group of guys drunk enough to all go out on the dance floor together (but obviously not dancing with each other). This way, if your attempt at putting your crotch against some random chic's ass goes awry, you can just act like you don't give a shit and go back to laughing at your drunk dancing friends.

2) If you see a chic that you know personally who's also out on the dance floor. You can always make the move to go up to dance with her and then laugh it off if she's obviously not obliging (you'll know that she's not into you this way). But if she backs in even more and does the whole *right arm behind her body holding your head close to hers* move, you win.

3) If you're lucky. I'm not usually lucky, but one of the first times I ever drunk danced with a girl turned into me making out with her and her friend in the corner for awhile. Beginners luck, I guess, because nothing cool ever came out of drunk dancing again.

Rick said...

There is one flaw in your theory...if you dance like an overly effeminate gay man the girls fall for it every time!!!

STACEY MCCOOL said...

This post was funny and all, but, really? Aren't there punk rock clubs in the States? I would assume that most of your readers (the few that are actually of age) would rather meet a broad in a social setting within which they feel comfortable, no?

Sure, I dance (when I'm fucking blacked out) and have been turned completely off by male dancers but, for the most part, I'd gladly fuck a dude in the bar bathroom if it means I can get back upstairs and grab another pitcher before last call.

Also (and I'm speaking for most of my female friends), if I've made it to the IHOP and I'm hard farting bacon gas into my vinyl seat... I'm probably past the fuckable point.

Brian Detweiler said...

This does not apply to special occasions such as New Years when EVERYBODY is out to get laid.

Related: The Dark Room in the Ukrainian Village turned out to be a pretty rockin' (and cheap) place to spend New Years this year.