Tuesday, February 2, 2010

that's huuuuuuge

When I was a kid, my mom traveled a lot for her job. She’d bring me back various crap from her destinations and as such, I became something of a collector. Smurfs. Oh, I used to own some smurfs, boy. Let me tell you. For those of you who are too young to remember, the smurfs were little blue figments of Gargamel’s imagination that dressed like Dutch painters on their break, lived in mushrooms and were, supposedly, according to Gargamel, delicious and also a key ingredient in making gold.
Now, that explanation obviously begs the question, ‘well then, who the fuck is gargamel?’ That, my friends is not so easy to address. Who indeed was gargamel? Old wizard? Reclusive shut in? Toby Jeg in the future? All of these answers hint at the character of the man who tormented the smurfs, but none really, concisely drum up the appropriate image. Okay, he’s an old, bald grump of an asshole who wears a brown bag and talks to his cat. He also sees tiny blue things everywhere which he’s constantly trying to capture (for gold and/or food, as we discussed earlier) and that’s probably a bit of a circular narrative, because no one that chases blue mushroom dwellers around and constantly screams at his cat about being foiled is gonna be able to get audience with too many good homies that aren’t feline, if you dig. And THAT perverse loneliness has to be exactly what probably manifests itself in Gargamel’s hallucinogenically induced rages. I mean, right? Sure.
Okay, so that’s that. We’re not gonna figure everything out about gargamel today, and that’s fine. Back to the point.
The other thing my mom would bring me was mesh hats. She worked in the agricultural industry and the style of the time was to put your logo for your saw and blade company, or your cotton concern or your slaughterhouse on a mesh hat. I have about a zillion mesh hats and I love them.
Now, Ashton Kutcher came along and kind of fucked up the mesh hat for a while. So did Britney spears and paris Hilton and everyone. Now, you can’t go into a dumb dance club/fern bar/dildo emporium without seeing some choach in a party shirt and a rhinestone studded mesh hat.
They started calling them ‘trucker hats’ which is irritating to me for reasons to nebulous to explain here and well, they generally reduced my awesome, twenty-years-in-the-making collection of hats to a pile of garbage.
It’s okay though. Because now that whole trend is kind of gone, and I could maybe start wearing those hats again if I wanted to, BUT there’s nothing stupider looking than a grown man in a mesh hat. Between the ages of about 28 and 65 you really shouldn’t be wearing that shit. You probably shouldn’t be talking about smurfs either, I guess. It’s kind of, uh…windowless van at the playground style, innit?
Okay, so, those are a few of the things I used to collect. I also collected license plates and uh..what else? Records and cds and tapes. And comics. I used to collect some comics, man. I have x men number twelve. I’ve got all the original odd sized first printings of all the tick comics. I have all the orginial Akiras. And yet, I’ve still managed to have sex with a human woman (of legal age!). Not bad for a smurf collecting, trucker hat wearing comic enthusiast, right? Am I right folks?

Look, I’m just putting off the inevitable discussion of how John Mayer has descended so deeply into horrible dildodom. It’s becoming impossible to ignore. No, actually, he’s symptomatic of a bigger issue, namely that these celebrities and their dumb relationships are swamping the fucking news and the discussion about John Mayer beating off and checking out buttholes before he gets around to making coffee is just…well, why is there a forum for that kind of thing? Eh? Because he used to pump Jen? Is that all you need now? I know he’s hugely popular and man, I can’t really figure out why. I guess he was kind of funny before he became all sweet on himself, but that music…really? That’s popular? That’s like the shit that the nerd with the Stratocaster in your highschool gets on stage and plays at the talent show, bro. That’s not hugely popular, revenue generating music, is it? That shit’s Dave Matthews without the commitment to genre, which is essentially the Dead filtered through the terrible musical ideas of the nineties and with their dusty balls removed and replaced with violins and dreadlocks. All those bands and musicians make the music that moms put on before masturbating. And that, friends, is not cool. AND!!!! I’m not talking hot moms here. I’m talking YOUR moms. Yup.
No, I’m not a fan of John Mayer, or the Dead or Dave Matthews for that matter. And I really, really don’t care who he bangs or what his favorite body part to beat off to is or when he does it (spoiler alert-it’s assholes and first thing in the morning.)
Oh, and I guess brad pitt is single again, eh? Who fucking cares. Christ. Get me off this dumb ride. I’d rather chase smurfs for fucks sake. At least you can maybe get some gold out of the whole thing. Right?
Fuck this. I’m out.

30 comments:

dustyfloors said...

Is that why you wanted to know about hip hop spots yesterday, Bren? So you can flaunt your mesh hat collection? That's awesome!

Scott said...

awesome rant on music. Thank you for that. (badass for the akira collection as well)

but the first thing your blog made me today is find this video to share with all of you

http://video.adultswim.com/robot-chicken/smurf-tastrophe.html

teabag3737 said...

Stop pissing on strats, they are great guitars. Anyone who says otherwise doesn't know fuck about shit.

FranklinStein said...

i don't think he's "pissing on strats". he's just pointing out the typical. i remember "that guy" at my high school, and he sure as hell had a black strat and did the whole dave matthews/john mayer pose (guitar positioned unusually high, foot stomping sporadically, stupid head bobbing) while either busting out a fat G-Chord or noodling in the key of C. now, at the time, i of course thought he was a big time douche. but, truth be told, he was the one getting laid while i, like john mayer these days, was masturbating to porn on the family computer, regularly putting my ear to the crack in the gameroom door to hear if anyone was coming up the stairs or checking the window next to our 1998 Gateway every time i heard a car to see if it was my mom pulling up the driveway. it's like what jeff tweedy had to say about the song "heavy metal drummer". back when he was in uncle tupelo, he and his friends would turn their noses up to all the metal bands in the st. louis scene, scoffing at their ridiculous music, outrageous hair, over-the-top outfits, etc. however, he eventually came to the conclusion that it was those guys who were having the time of their lives, banging buttloads of beautiful babraham lincolns, while he and his pals were hunched over bars, singing bitter songs in their 20s, holding their flaccid dicks. so, if i could befriend a guy like doc brown, i would travel back to high school and get on that talent show stage to bob my head, bust out a fat G, stomp my foot off-time, and let the banging begin.

Mark said...

John Mayer is sweet.

Candice said...

one of the doctors i work with was just telling me about a smurf porn he recently watched. now i want to watch it even more to see if toby makes an appearance as gargamel.

also, my word verification is lioness. is that the internet's way of telling me to stop being a cougar?

Jesus said...

Dude, trucker hats are still cool. If I could pull the look I'd do it, and you're still rad so you should probably do it.

March 16th!

Donnie said...

Gargamel has a lock on smurf chasing why don't you go after the snorks...

Matt said...

After reading that John Mayer interview in Rolling Stone, all I could think was, "Why does any of this matter?" The guy's a millionaire, and Rolling Stone's trying to play him off like some sad bastard struggling artist who just can't find that right girl to make his life seem meaningful. Sorry. I don't buy it. Go work a real job Mayer, then tell us how porn is the only worthwhile thing in your life. While you're at it lower your guitar strap a little bit because you look goofy.


Word verification: cheapho (Just what John Mayer needs right now.)

Candice said...

matt- i am so glad you got "cheapho" and not me.

Mark said...

LOL at caring how high people wear their guitars.

Banana@1000MPH said...

write as much as you want about smurfs, I enjoy it.

Vincent said...

Meh.

John Mayer is the man.

2 reasons I know of...

Some girl I went to school with went to a show and said he told all the guys to go for Pussy when he played Wonderland. Which is pretty funny. And she said he was an asshole, which is even funnier.

And he had his own TV show where he would pretty much make his fans look like idiots. Which was hilarious.

I agree his music is pretty geh. But he's pretty fucking funny. Oh and he was on Chappel show.

Yeah John Mayer is the man.

Bridgett said...

Oh man Candice! The Smurf porn!

http://www.redtube.com/8399


Love. It.

misshennessy said...

Ahhhh the smurfs. I feel kinda old that some of u had to google it. That was "way back when" we had to wait for sat. am to watch cartoons, ha. When I was a wee one I always wondered why there was only 1 smurfette. And I'm pretty sure she was down for the one with the tatttoo. What was his name? But Papa smurf was the man! Always outsmarting Gargamel and Ozriel. (that's his cat). Wow I feel like a nerd!
Anyway, haven't thought about smurfs in ages so thanks :)

<3 Ann xoxo

word verification antiwari ?

misshennessy said...

Ps> Candice, you are to young to be a cougar so no worries. I was informed cougars are over 40. Whew that means I still have a few years to go myself! :)

Drunken Acorn said...

I liked Azrael the cat, Gargamel was holding him back, if he just ditched that bald fuck I'm sure he would be having Smurfs for diner.

Drunken Acorn said...

oh and FranlinStein everything you said reminds me of bating when I was 14.

Sean said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Sean said...

I was just about to post that smurf porn, but then I saw the amazing Bridgett beat (HA!) me to the punch.

... the best part is when Gargamel comes in and sticks it up smurfette's butt.

And by "best" I mean "most hilarious."

Speaking of sticking things up people's butts:
Anyone out there going to the Alkaline Trio show in Ft. Lauderdale this March?

I got my tickets... but I dunno anyone that's goin seeing as I'm down here at college and people in Miami only listen to rap and club music.

Regardless, I figure after a decade of enjoying their music I owe it to myself to see them live... seeing as I always missed them when they would ACTUALLY play a show in Chicago.

I'm stoked, bro!

Johno said...

Okay, this is my first post.

Two things:

1. The lower the guitar the cooler the person.

2. Babraham Lincoln should be used much more often.

Robb said...

The higher the guitar, the-larger-your-cock-ironically-probably-is-since-you're-unconcerned-with-such-frivolous-bullshit

Candice said...

thanks, bridgett! i was looking for it but pornhub didn't have it and youporn was linking me to wiki for some reason. now i have something to do while i wait to go into work.

kylewagoner said...

Speaking of "Fuck This, I'm Out," Off With Their Heads were signed to Epitaph! How about that? Talk about non-popular music....D4-esque pop punk.

love,
Kyle

~die~ said...

I still have all of my smurf figures from when I was a kid! Does that make me old?

TheViz said...

Man, I took a couple philosophy classes in my first two years of college, all with the same professor, who was obsessed with smurf. Anytime he needed an example for a thought experiment or whatever, it was smurfs this and smurfs that. He told us if we ever experimented with hallucinogenic drugs that we should get fucked up, go online, and watch the Smurfs in its original Flemish.

I miss that guy, I've got to start taking his classes again.

JSIN said...

I'm a douche...
I love my mesh hat.

Alexis said...

chicks dig john mayer so much cause he looks like he's taking a dump when he sings...or "croons".

ilovegoats69 said...

http://www.thehollywoodgossip.com/categories/john-mayer/

I can't believe I laughed at something related to pop culture, and for all the right reasons.

CHobbsMorgan said...

Y'know, I once bought a Larry Arms hat at your show in, I believe, Goleta, California that I wore nonstop for years. As per the truism that all good things must come to an end, I was celebrating the new year (of 2007?) in Tijuana, when the truck that my friends and I had (foolishly? Awesomely?) borrowed for the aforementioned occasion was broken into (I assure you, we should have and did see that coming). Among the belongings which were taken was the fine specimen that was my well-worn Lawrence Arms mesh hat. Sad times indeed.