Thursday, February 11, 2010

hey now!

Holy shit, man. Yesterday’s sock drawer contained the best comment ever. From a german guy talking about their version of American Idol. Here it is.

“man.... as i'm a german i don't know that much about howard stern. but what i know about him and the german version of american idol makes me think we would need someone like him as well... i mean most people here watch that shit cause the judges are really offensive to the people and talk shit all the time.”

Now, you know why this is funny? I’ve mentioned the German compliment before, where, if you’re in Germany doing pretty much anything that could possibly warrant praise, you’ll be told something that’s horribly wrong with you along with any compliment you may receive. So, therefore “you are my favorite band” becomes “wow, you are my favorite band but I did not realize you were so fat” and “That was a good show” becomes “You know, I loved that show. Too bad the album is so terrible” and “I’d like a tshirt” becomes “do you know why no one wants a tshirt from you? Because you were terrible tonight. But I will take one anyway.”
You get the idea. This is not me making something up. It’s true. Serious. Everyone who’s played a show in germany will attest to this, and THAT my friends is what makes this whole comment up above so fucking funny.
Okay, in this country, the reason they want howard stern to replace Simon is because Simon is honest. He’s not actually mean. He’s just honest. He’s not cruel. He’s also not cool. He’s not clever. He’s just honest. And that’s fine. Howard is also honest. That’s why the show wants him. He’s also clever and smart, and that’s why the mongos of the land DON’T want him.
But, see. The point is, Simon, as the honest one, fills a role. The role of ‘the only one who is willing to say someone sucks’. Everyone else just gives this old “you did the best you could” kind of bullshit ‘everybody pitches, everybody hits everybody wins’ crap that’s turning America into a land of litigious, entitled, talentless, spoiled pussies. Simon is THE ONLY person on that panel who doesn’t do that. That’s because he’s British. He’s not indoctrinated into the cult of mass-perfection that arises by treating failure like the ideal and rewarding mediocrity as the pinnacle of success because it’s nice and middle of the road and doesn’t ruffle any feathers. And howard isn’t like that either.
The thing IS, that, as we discussed before, Germans are already famous for insulting along with their compliments. OF COURSE they’re gonna be extra harsh when they don’t like something. I mean, guess I never thought of Germans as stern or mean or heartless and calculating before, but now that you mention it, I can see where someone would maybe get that impression. Hilarious.
Oh man.
Speaking of sweeping cultural stereotypes, I’ve recently been turned onto this thing. Apparently, black people think that white people, by and large, smell like wet dogs, but they don’t mention it. From what I’ve heard, it’s some kind of massive, race-wide secret. They will even deny it when you ask. My friend in Richmond has been asking his black friends and coworkers if he smells like wet dogs and he’s gotten somewhere in the neighborhood of 100% “you aren’t supposed to know about that” replies. How’s that for strange? I’ve asked a few of my buddies, but they just went “huh? Right now? I don’t really think so. You smell like laundry.” So maybe it’s a southern thing. I dunno. It’s pretty strange though. Have you heard of this? Black folk? Care to weigh in?
I mean, if this is true, and word of this secret gets out, the next thing you know, we white folks are gonna have to tell black people about our dog/white people shared baths that we all take all the time.
And that would be pretty weird too.

28 comments:

Drew said...

Those Deutsch are a stoic bunch. I dated a girl from Germany a long time ago, and man let me just say that shit DID NOT work out!

Candice said...

yay maxpower!

dustyfloors said...

Wet dog? I'm going to investigate on my end as well. This is disturbing.

Mikey said...

So what's this about JBTV?

Avery said...

the wet dog thing is true to a certain extent. it probably stems from the extra heat/humid that the South produces during the months of February-early October. And I'm from Texas, so I coming at this from personal experience.

Stizzy said...

I just read an interview of yours and I also think Trusty Chords is one of the best HWM song ever.

Nick said...

Oh definitely.

moodkiller said...

I know that my sister has taken a shower with her dog on more than one occasion.

Maximilian said...

holy shit, a whole entry dedicated to me and then you also say that i made the best comment ever? i'm so proud!

i have to admit that my intention was different, but now i won't explain that cause it seems way better the way it is.

let's just say english is still a foreign language to me. hm.... maybe that's the whole story about the german insult. maybe we aren't that much assholes and everybody just get's us wrong. nah.... don't think so.

Seagull Steve said...

Wet dog huh? Intriguing? I am half white/half korean, so my wet animal smell is hopefully far more exotic. Like a panda or something.

PS Now is a perfect time to see exactly how many black people read your blog. I would guess between 4-7, definitely less than ten. Not that theres anything wrong with that.

dustyfloors said...

Speaking of black people. John Mayer uses the "n word." Thoughts? Is it even worth touching on?

kennyg said...

dude, now that you mention it, i feel like i've heard the wet dog thing before. it seems like someone told me about that.
maybe it is a southern thing, because i'm from texas, too.
i think black people generally smell like hair grease... :/

BRAIN said...

oh shit kennyg, you're gonna get in trouble with the 4-7, definitely less than ten, black dudes here

Robb said...

There are no black people here.

Karen Kitten Cupcake Sweet said...

In my travels i found the germans the funniest people to hang out with. Theyre all super dope travellers and strangely, very concerned that i would assume that they would act like hitler.

As for the wet dog smell, i wouldnt know. we dont have black people in canada.

i kid.

i just dont know many, and we we do talk, its not about how i smell.

Bradley said...

I'm not entirely sure about what black people think white people smell like, but I do know that I'm from Tennessee and people here say that black people have a distinct aroma.

Let me elaborate. My mother works at a used clothes store. She works with an older (probably around 60) year old lady. There is a black lady that brings in clothes to put on consignment. My mother liked one of the shirts she brought in and was going to buy it for herself. The older lady told her, as seriously as you could imagine, something very similar to: "Don't take that with you, you'll never get the smell out."

She wasn't making a racist joke, but explained to my mother that black people have a smell.. And apparently it's very hard to get out of clothes.

This was probably because old people in Tennessee are generally pretty racist, but still, I'd definitely never heard that before.

Blake said...

I've heard the wet dog thing. I don't remember from who or where, but I believe it.

Candice said...

wet dog is probably my least favorite smell on the planet. makes me wanna vomit.

Avery said...

i'm a black person. and that hair grease comment, i can totally see cause several black people put way too much hair grease in their hair.

Drunken Acorn said...

I just asked my friend Sha if white people smell like wet dogs and he says some do. I'll take that as a yes.

jbody said...

wet dog is brilliant if its true because its extremely emasculating imo.Of course when I think of a wet dog its conjures up some neutered, prematurely arthritic,vaguely yellow 4 yr old retriever knocking over the youngest of three toe heads into a baby pool making memories n shit.Id rather be likened to 'baboon dick',red lobster or the "less desirable" rags at the shitty store bradley's mom works at.Y'all,The grease is a hair product not a by-product.....OF BEING BLAAaaaAACK! BeeeeeeeEEEEEEx.

Mikey said...

Did you see that?! A black person replied and completely dodged saying whether or not it's true.

Blake said...

BALLOONNOT

Banana@1000MPH said...

I texted three people I haven't talked to in a while, but whom I'm comfortable asking and so far I got "when they are wet, yes" but I don't know if they are just trying to come up with a clever answer. I asked if it was a secret among black people and he told me "I assumed you knew"...this isn't really helpful because he could be completely joking.

Banana@1000MPH said...

What I've learned is I have the worst black friends ever because he kind of avoided and said "this is an odd thing to be serious about" and then my next person to text back said "only hobos"

Banana@1000MPH said...

k, I got one straight answer from the first guy, he said that he thought everyone knew that white people who were wet smelled like wet dogs, but only if they have long hair.

Moxie. said...

the insulting compliment thing is totally true... or maybe it's not but it explains why my German friend congratulated me on graduating from college and then explained how many ways I should hate my life. /cool story bro.

I haven't heard the wet hair thing. I will investigate.

Johno said...

I don't think Simon acts like that because he's English.
He is still pretty much the odd one out on all the British shows too.
I guess we have a similar trend with the "It's the taking part that matters" thing over here but maybe not as pronounced as in the US.