Come see my godddamn show you fucks!

Hey dicks! I’m playing a show tonight at the mutiny on western just north of fullerton in Chicago. I’m getting there around ten. Joe from smoke or fire is playing first, then I’m gonna unleash on you turds like a griffon or a dragon or something equally fruity. It’ll be cool. Please come down and buy joe and myself whiskey shots. Actually, don’t get joe whiskey. Last time he did a shot of whiskey (Monday night at the town hall pub) he barfed on me. I mean, I cooked him chicken, delicious chicken, mind you, and how does he repay me? Barfing shreds of delicious chicken all over my hoodie. Suhweet, bro. It was most gnarly in that it smelled like a gas station that serves food. Anyhow, moving on.
I got this problem. I want to do a rap record. I’m a pretty good MC, I think. I love freestyling. However, I’m a white guy and I’ve got a rock and roll history and that’s a bad fucking combo. Rockers should never rap and vice versa. It’s kind of like the way that actors shouldn’t sing and singers shouldn’t really act. It’s never great. I mean, yeah, Tom Waits is pretty good in Stranger than Paradise and Marky Mark is great, (though a very real argument could be made that he should have never EVER dipped into being a musician in the first place) but for the most part, it’s simple math. You’re good at what you love for a reason. You’re drawn to it because you think that way and you see the genre from an interesting and expandable point of view. The second you move out of your zone, you suddenly become just another dipshit that’s no good at something that they don’t have the vision and wherewithal to conquer.
Oh, you want examples? How bout Tommy Lee? That dude was a great rock drummer. It pains me to say that, by the way, because I hate the shit out of tommy lee. Why? Because he’s a dumb dildo that every single woman on earth, if pressured, sullenly admits to wanting to fuck. I’m terribly jealous of how much he gets away with, frankly. However, one thing he couldn’t get away with was his juggalo side project, Methods of Mayhem. He doesn’t bring any noise, man. Not even close. He’s a dorky white scarecrow jumping around bragging about fucking pam Anderson as though that’s not the only thing we know about him already. He doesn’t have the sack to be a rapper. It’s posturing and it’s super phony and it just sucks.
Likewise, Lil Wayne just made a rock album and it’s something in the neighborhood of the worst thing I’ve ever heard. It makes Puddle of Mudd look like erudite and compelling songsmiths. And you know why it sucks? Because Weezy is a rapper and he knows the tropes and pitfalls of the hip hop game. He knows how to construct a verse. He knows how to expand the genre and dominate in what’s established but he has no fucking clue about rock and roll. He didn’t grow up rocking, if you’ll excuse the lame expression. Regardless of what he listened to as a kid, he grew up grooming himself to be a rapper, and he did a hell of a job. However, once he stepped into rock and roll, he’s like Tyson stepping in to the ring with the Undertaker. There’s a tiny little bit of understanding of the format, but in general, it’s a whole new set of rules. It’s something that you can’t just translate easily. That’s why there aren’t more (or any) great musicians with rock AND rap records. They’re different frameworks, man. If Lil Wayne can’t rock, and Tommy Lee can’t rap, what hope is there for the rest of us? Right?
Well, those guys both seem like massive dildos and maybe I can buck the odds by being my own awesome self. However, I’m 33 and I’d be surprised if anyone my age has put out a decent rap ablum, excepting Jay Z. Rap is youth music in its inception, that’s the nature of the beast with MCing.
So, screw it. Maybe I’ll just stick to rock and roll. Come see me tonight at the Mutiny. The show’s free you cheap fuck!