Friday, February 5, 2010

Come see my godddamn show you fucks!

Hey dicks! I’m playing a show tonight at the mutiny on western just north of fullerton in Chicago. I’m getting there around ten. Joe from smoke or fire is playing first, then I’m gonna unleash on you turds like a griffon or a dragon or something equally fruity. It’ll be cool. Please come down and buy joe and myself whiskey shots. Actually, don’t get joe whiskey. Last time he did a shot of whiskey (Monday night at the town hall pub) he barfed on me. I mean, I cooked him chicken, delicious chicken, mind you, and how does he repay me? Barfing shreds of delicious chicken all over my hoodie. Suhweet, bro. It was most gnarly in that it smelled like a gas station that serves food. Anyhow, moving on.
I got this problem. I want to do a rap record. I’m a pretty good MC, I think. I love freestyling. However, I’m a white guy and I’ve got a rock and roll history and that’s a bad fucking combo. Rockers should never rap and vice versa. It’s kind of like the way that actors shouldn’t sing and singers shouldn’t really act. It’s never great. I mean, yeah, Tom Waits is pretty good in Stranger than Paradise and Marky Mark is great, (though a very real argument could be made that he should have never EVER dipped into being a musician in the first place) but for the most part, it’s simple math. You’re good at what you love for a reason. You’re drawn to it because you think that way and you see the genre from an interesting and expandable point of view. The second you move out of your zone, you suddenly become just another dipshit that’s no good at something that they don’t have the vision and wherewithal to conquer.
Oh, you want examples? How bout Tommy Lee? That dude was a great rock drummer. It pains me to say that, by the way, because I hate the shit out of tommy lee. Why? Because he’s a dumb dildo that every single woman on earth, if pressured, sullenly admits to wanting to fuck. I’m terribly jealous of how much he gets away with, frankly. However, one thing he couldn’t get away with was his juggalo side project, Methods of Mayhem. He doesn’t bring any noise, man. Not even close. He’s a dorky white scarecrow jumping around bragging about fucking pam Anderson as though that’s not the only thing we know about him already. He doesn’t have the sack to be a rapper. It’s posturing and it’s super phony and it just sucks.
Likewise, Lil Wayne just made a rock album and it’s something in the neighborhood of the worst thing I’ve ever heard. It makes Puddle of Mudd look like erudite and compelling songsmiths. And you know why it sucks? Because Weezy is a rapper and he knows the tropes and pitfalls of the hip hop game. He knows how to construct a verse. He knows how to expand the genre and dominate in what’s established but he has no fucking clue about rock and roll. He didn’t grow up rocking, if you’ll excuse the lame expression. Regardless of what he listened to as a kid, he grew up grooming himself to be a rapper, and he did a hell of a job. However, once he stepped into rock and roll, he’s like Tyson stepping in to the ring with the Undertaker. There’s a tiny little bit of understanding of the format, but in general, it’s a whole new set of rules. It’s something that you can’t just translate easily. That’s why there aren’t more (or any) great musicians with rock AND rap records. They’re different frameworks, man. If Lil Wayne can’t rock, and Tommy Lee can’t rap, what hope is there for the rest of us? Right?
Well, those guys both seem like massive dildos and maybe I can buck the odds by being my own awesome self. However, I’m 33 and I’d be surprised if anyone my age has put out a decent rap ablum, excepting Jay Z. Rap is youth music in its inception, that’s the nature of the beast with MCing.
So, screw it. Maybe I’ll just stick to rock and roll. Come see me tonight at the Mutiny. The show’s free you cheap fuck!

57 comments:

Candice said...

my brother is the greatest rapper i know. no joke. and he just did a song for me that has a line about you in it.

he makes really great beats too. you guys should join forces. and hang out. and invite me.

Danny said...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vagvlZqjMz0&feature=related

planespotting said...

Wouldn't your brother be uncomfortable with all the affection you would display towards BK, Candice?

Also, there are some amazing "actor tries to be a singer" efforts out there, especially ones that fail epically.

Don Johnson's "Heartbeat":
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ULI5kolBpAk

Joey Lawrence's "Nothin' my heart can't fix":
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FDyuVxyJt2w

Eddie Murphy's "Party all the time":
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m5LX16zia2k

The only one who is awesome at both acting and drumming is John Stamos.

teabag3737 said...

I need a ride to the show, there's no way I'm waiting for TWO buses. Someone should rent a party bus and pick me up in it.

Candice said...

my brother realizes i have a mental illness and accepts me for who i am.

Jayzilla said...

undertaker would totally tombstone tyson..


teabag: if you get that lift, see if the group can pick me up in SF. ill be off work around 4:30 and can chip in for gas money if need be

Candice said...

good call, jay. i'm in jersey if anyone can pick me up. i'll buy drinks and provide hours of entertainment.

Uncle Buck said...

sounds good guys, I'll start calling some party blimp rental places so we don't have to be rushed. We should be cool on gas

Uncle Buck said...

apparently my comments show up under both teabag3737 and uncle buck now, as we are one and the same

dustyfloors said...

Bullshit! I can't make this show and it sucks. It would be amazing to go with the girlfriend and figure out who wants to do Beex harder me or the girl... I bet it's me.
I hope all you socks that go enjoy.

word verification: aniespit

P.S. I want to see this Undertaker v Tyson match. So long as Paul Bearer and Don King are in their stars corners.

Donnie said...

What about Tyson vs. the Bushwackers?

Candice said...

dusty- the answer to that question is me. candice. always.

Gregory said...

mike tyson would without a doubt EVISCERATE (anyone see the daily show last night? haaaa) the undertaker.

Erik Eklund said...

Granted he was 31-ish when it was released, but Aesop Rock put out None Shall Pass in '07 and it fucking kills.

Katie said...

I plan on getting there early so hopefully I won't be too drunk to not remember the show, or lock myself in the bathroom (as I did the last time Smoke or Fire was in town).

FranklinStein said...

fuck you gotta check out wicked wisdom if you haven't already. it's will smith's wife fronting a slipknot-esque band!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-nHGGAmJCYI

Seagull Steve said...

JayZ is waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay overrated. He gets away with being mediocre a lot of the time because A) his bad songs are never that bad and B) he's a slick bastard.

In other news.....part of me still wants to hear Dee Dee Ramone's rap skills (or lack thereof).

Crooks said...

Good call Gregory, and I think Tyson actually would eviscerate...well, damn near anyone if his switch was flipped (which doesn't take much it seems).

Garfield Roscoe said...

You may be too hipster to admit it, but Rage Against the Machine did some serious rap-rocking in their time, but I'm not sure if that's exactly what you're talking about, because otherwise, there isn't a single "rap-rock" fusion worth the circuit their mp3 sits on. I suppose that is completely different than a rapper or "rocker" crossing genres.

BTWK said...

What?!?! How come no one has mentioned the Beastie Boys?!? That seems like a pretty obvious choice.

Sean said...

Will Smith was a great rapper AND actor.... (in The Fresh Prince of Bel Air, at least...)

balls yo said...

i have won many rap battles....last time i shut an MC down with this line....
"bout to serve you up a chin omelet, fuck you won on it!?"

word muther-fuckers and i'm out!

balls yo TWENTY TEN

balls yo said...

oh, socks, btw...if anyone wants to battle me here in the sock drawer then BRING IT SUCKAZ!!!

just pop off at me and see what happens.

Blake said...

Balls yo. you suck balls yo.
you spend you day watching fried green tomatoes.
you are not as good of a rapper as me. you don't even have a peepee.

Your turn.

Candice said...

i knew you were my favorite uncle for a reason, blake. and it's not just because of the night time bedroom visits.

Stizzy said...

don't let candice sweet talk you beex. she's totally into neil now.

balls yo said...

Yo Blake!

Check it!
even if your flows were close to sick, you still pack a baby dick...recognize before u spit, cuz u just got your dome piece lit.

I put my dick on the train track and derail the train, put your name in my battle raps and derail your brain.

i wear sweat pants so my peepee makes a teepee when that shit gets hard, steppin to the balls yo proves your a retard. half step you can't battle this, i had to write a line that rhyme with candice!

NEXT......

Candice said...

hahaha stizzy thanks for outing me, you dick.

it's taken many years and many shameless attempts at flirting, but i am finally realizing what you all have known forever- brendan is a married man.

and balls yo- thanks for including me in your rap battle!

Nico said...

Dee-Dee Ramone's rap album should be enough to put you off the idea forever...

Drew said...

dude I called that you wanted to do a rap record. Remember a few months ago when you said you had something awesome brewing, that would totally shock us or some shit... i totally thought you were going to release a rap record. Anyway, fucking do it man! Nobody gives a fuck how it comes out, everyone (here at least) would still love the shit out of it... fuck "patience," "humility" should be a virtue! That's all.

...except, "Weezy" sucks so much fucking dick! I still don't get your complete adoration for him. He sounds like a hoodass alvin and the chipmunk, who's partially brain dead. I'll take De La Soul, or if you wanna talk modern rappers, Clipse over that trick any day!

Mikey said...

First of all, I stumbled across this. WTF...you've gotta check this out Brendan if you haven't already seen it: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KoBDnmHSpJY

Anyways, P.O.S. is awesome and from what I've heard of his band, it's pretty good too. So one can do both, I think. And you should at least give it a try. Worst case scenario you come up with something, it's no good, and you don't show anyone.

But a full length Lawrence Arms record needs to come first.

sheila said...

your boy lil wayne is headed to the slammer, and he "is looking forward to it!" my prediction: the next album he puts out is going to SELL (not that his previous ones haven't done well...)

ghostpilots said...

I have a novel idea- take your rap rock show on the road! When was the last time you came out to Canada, specifically Calgary area? I can tell you; it was 3 and a half years ago when you toured with AK3.

Calgary is a bumblefuck country town; rap rock is the perfect fit for the void the departure of nu metal left.

sean said...

for fuck's sake don't make a rap album. stick to punk rock and giving handjobs for change

Sean said...

what the hell, there's another Sean?

.... this drawer ain't big enough for the both of us!

balls yo said...

OK....since no one else will step to me, I think Ghostpilots and Planespotting should battle next!...

winner battles the winner of Drew and Robb.

then winner battles winner of Sickie27 and Candice....

however, if anyone wishes to test me i can battle whenever. I will even battle BK if he will come down here where all the serfs hang and drop science on me.

fuck.

balls yo said...

internet fighting = retarded

internet rap battling = awesome

Sean said...

Yo, I'm a white boy but my neck is red
I put miracle whip on my wonder bread
My face is pail, nah I've never been in Jail
Me and Buffy spend every winter in Vail
How many bitches have i slapped? Zero, uh
And Martha Stuart happens to be my hero
I grew up in a farm and i was born with no rhythm
Dr. Phil is my uncle and I like to hang with him
I can't dance, I wear khaki pants
My middle name is Lance, my grandma is from France
So maybe I'm whack
Cause my skin ain't black
But you can't talk smack
Because whitey just struck back



haha

Jake Regier said...

http://www.myspace.com/brendanckelly

Perhaps my favorite Brendan Kelly singer/songwriter.

It's like Creed.

But not as good.

balls yo said...

Sean,

Unfortunately, if i bust back at you after you tried to step(?) it would be showing your battle skills too much respect...

k, it is important in battle rapping to not dis yourself...while NEVER dissing the other guy, k?? see, the point of the "battle" is to dis the other guy, freestyle a lil to show some skills (also, ammunition for person who rebuttles), break em down, then peace.

what you did was freestyle, we can all freestyle too, thatd be fun. but this is the sock "rap battle" droor right now.

Nick said...

Balls Yo: Sean borrowed that rap from Scary Movie 3. I think he's mocking you.

Jake: Haha, seriously. I love that his first song on there is called "Impostor."

balls yo said...

Dear Nick,

tell sean he is both bad at battle rapping and mocking.

sincerely,

the iLL BLZ

Candice said...

I get the feeling balls has been waiting his whole life for this post to happen so that he could share his skills.

balls yo said...

Candice is correct....I have read bsc everyday from the start hoping that in some round about way I would get my chance to rhyme in here. Just didn't wanna come right out and do it, but this post gave me the opportunity....
i am hoping BK will want to be in a hip hop group with me... but in order to impress him i must first destroy everyone who steps to me. word.

James said...

Is the hip hop group gonna be like Wu-Tang cause then I'd like to be one of the fillers in the background who ocassionaly spits a line or two and says one-syllable words here and there for layered emphasis.

word verification: plitsol - cause im a dyslexic gangsta

Candice said...

In that case, I wanna be the girl with her ass hanging out that everyone sprays with alcohol.

James said...

Candice,

Aren't you already that girl?

Candice said...

It's not alcohol that's usually being sprayed on me...

James said...

when did you become a juggalette?

Brian said...

I can't believe you said that nobody likes Abracadaver at your show. :/

Candice said...

james- it's not faygo either.

Some Young Guy said...

For the record, POS was into punk way before he was into hip hop, and he's one of the best rappers out there right now. AND he is in an awesome hardcore band.

James said...

Well if its sticky it has to be grape soda then...

Owner Operator said...

way to be the deputy mayor of my home town. nice work

http://www.bunbury.wa.gov.au/index.php?pageId=422


cheers n beers

Mikey said...

"For the record, POS was into punk way before he was into hip hop, and he's one of the best rappers out there right now. AND he is in an awesome hardcore band."

I know but you know what I meant.

Clearly he grew up listening to both. I know he started rapping because a member of his band Building Better Bombs moved away for college or something. But there's no way he just decided to give it a shot out of nowhere and found he was good at it.

Actually, I seem to remember hearing him say, in an interview, that he could always rap but he never really focused on it.

So my point is that if BK has an interest and passion for both, it's worth a shot. And if it doesn't work out, well then whatever.

Sean said...

I was actually mocking the idea of a "rap battle."

I didn't mean to... ahem... "dis" you.

Candice's comment was pretty hilarious though. haha

Blake said...

Yeah, I still feel like I won.