Tuesday, February 9, 2010

uuuuuugh! the pain and the suffering!

My mom and axl rose both had birthdays last week. That’s pretty cool. I wanted to get together, the three of us and just have a joint celebration, but it wasn’t in the cards. Axl can be a real bitch when he wants to, you know?
Anyway, today I’m exhausted. All week I’ve been out late shooting this project, and while it’s been tons of fun, I’m no longer used to being up until one in the morning every day, and I’m old and well…holy crap. I feel like I’m through the ringer. I need some jasmine tea and a ball massage.
I’m also dealing with a potentially broken laundry machine and a child who continues to flout authority and devour innocent people. It’s making me a little sweaty, frankly. You know what I need? A yacht. I need a yacht out in the middle of the sea with a comfortable bed and some sun and a lot of good, healthy food and a ton of butlers and cooks and ball masseuses and some private daycare specialists and what else? Since we’re just wishing for things, the yacht should probably have an arctic terrarium/aquarium full of penguins inside it. I love penguins almost as much as penguins love ice cream. Trust me.
I dunno…I’d probably just be seasick today. Don’t ever get old, kids. Your body just can’t hang with old world living. I mean, shit. I’d be going on my second nap of the day if I just threw prudence to the wind and did what I’d really like to do. That’s grandpa style. And not electric rapping grandpa style either. Just traditional.
I’m frustrated with this biting thing with my kid. I don’t know how to get through to him that it’s really not nice and it totally fucks up everyone’s day when he just gnaws on whoever. It’s ruining my day, honestly. Yesterday he had six (SIX!!!) incident reports. That’s craziness. I just absolutely don’t know what to do. This flummoxed helpless feeling, I’m learning, is how parents constantly feel and it’s exactly why they’re just nervous uncool wrecks of human beings who stop going to movies and stop knowing if it’s Robert Pattinson that’s Harry Potter or if what anyone could enjoy about sound of a vocoder. All they want is for the kid to stop biting. But he won’t. He’s a petulant shit who refuses to listen and refuses to understand and it makes you nuts.
And my kid is nice. He’s sweet and he’s a good sleeper and he’s well behaved, besides his taste for human flesh. I mean, my friend Nick used to lock his nanny in the basement. He used to flush rabbits down the toilet at school. Ultimately, he turned out pretty well, but uh…what do you say to that? That’s borderline sociopath shit.
God, listen to me. Here I am crying like Ryan Seacrest at the last scene of Joseph and the Technicolor Dreamcoat, and I’ve just got a kid doing regular toddler shit. Nick’s mom had to be going fucking nuts, hiding her hydrochloric acid and making sure all the lamps in his room were just upholstered with regular fabric and shit. Thank god they weren’t from Wisconsin.
Those are Jeff Dahmer jokes, folks. And just to bring this full circle, I’d like to point out that our stupid twenty four hour news cycle has created a universe where miserable anorexic dildos in fake tans camp outside the parents of our nation’s crazy sociopaths houses and when they go get their mail, they all bum rush them and say “Your son is a monster! Do you still love him, knowing what you know now?” I mean, that’s what they did to Dahmer’s parents. And sure, those parents probably fucked him up pretty good. But man, what kind of a question is that? That shit’s brutal. Innit? I mean that’s the kind of shit that…
Oh wait a sec. BRB.
Okay, actually, I just got the call of the day. For the last 2 years we’ve been getting calls from the Chicago Public Schools. Four a day. No shit. Today, they FINALLY got me on the line, and you know what they asked? If Brendan Kelly’s parents were there. When I started to explain that my parents live in Missouri and that my kid is two and that they’ve been calling me for the last two years and so on and so forth, they fucking hung up on me! Not only is there some kid out there who’s been ditching school four times a day for the last two years, but there’s also no way that I can even know if they took my number off the list.
I’m outraged. In fact, this is the worst outrage in the history of humanity. Fuuuuck. I need a yacht and a nap, folks. It’s all downhill from here, right Pudnik? Right. Sigh.

21 comments:

dustyfloors said...

Do little kids really taste THAT good?

Stizzy said...

Cue the ball massage comment from Candice.

Maximilian said...

oh man.... that entry was amazing.

Nick! said...

you ever try tabasco sauce with your kid? next time he bites, put a little dab on his tongue. a pediatrician recommended it to my mother and it seemed to work. ask your kid's doctor what s/he thinks of that, but it might be worth a shot.

planespotting said...

You should write your kid a song on your acoustic guitar about not biting people and play it for him.

The chorus should be: "don't bite people, kids taste gross, oh whoa ohhhhh."

Real poppy and shit, because that's what little kids like to listen to.

Candice said...

You really think you know me, huh Stizzy? I wasn't gonna take the ball angle. Instead, I was gonna ask for his parents' address since I'll be flying into Missouri on Friday.

Daniel said...

hahah i know a Brendan Kelly and he always ditches school. I wonder

Scott said...

that is just too overly stalkerish...

you know, i got calls for 3 years for a girl that had debt collectors after her. I finally just had to get a new number. It was up to 3 or 4 a day.

Candice said...

I was joking

Owner Operator said...

the deputy mayor of my home town is a brendan kelly. see they all don't turn out as nice as you. and i'm sure he never ditched school

Sean said...

I'm sure that the account for Candice's Breasts would rather take the "ball massager angle."

Those gals have never let us down.

TopherAbe said...

As someone living in Missouri....well, fuck, I got nothing, this state blows.

Dave said...

I finally heard that "Hey There, Soul Sister" song on the radio. Christ almighty.

Bridgett said...

Get your kid a sweet Hannibal Lector mask. It'll be his thing. The boys will fear him and the girls will swoon.

Kevin Burnett said...

sorry dude, rough morning. I like the hot sauce on the tongue idea when he bites someone. It's not too cruel, its pavlov at his finest, and your kid gets to learn an early lesson about real world consequences for his behavior.

May I recommend Louisiana Sauce? It's my personal favorite.

Joshua said...

@dustyfloors - shoot an email to the local NAMBLA faction. theyll get you the 411.

and about this baby biting business, yeah, it sucks. but seriously, its a toddler. anyone with the balls to write an incident report, let alone 6, deserves a dick/cunt punch. wtf is wrong with this world that toddlers get written up for shit they cant comprehend. how about the fuckers that get paid to watch the little bastards put them in cages. or maybe just police them.

Jesus said...

So BK what do you listen to when you go the gym?

I ask because whenever I go for my warm up I usually start off with Cocktails and Dreams, stretching and first excercises with The Greatest Story... and when I'm doing my heavy sets and lifts I have the Falcon to get me pumped.

So you're basically keeping my energy and intensity up while I work out...But what do you listen to?

Robb said...

(shivers from ~douche chills~*)

JSIN said...

Mrs. Kelly,

It seems your husbands needs his balls massaged. It would be a nice treat for him if you massaged his balls after making him a nice hot cup of jasmine tea.

Thanx---Dogs Of War

misshennessy said...

I have to disagree w/ the hot sauce thing. Years ago I tried that at my dads suggestion w/ my son when he was 2 or 3. He thought it was awesome to start saying f@!k when he got pissed. (it's a whole other strory where he picked that up!) not only did it not work it was traumatizing for both of us. I have found that any form of corporal punishment just reinforces bad behavior. I have since found that taking away toys/priveleges and good old fashioned bribery are far more effective tools. He's a toddler and he will outgrow it for sure. Besides Tyson, you don't generally see adults going around biting each other. It's is probably the only way he can effectively express himself at the moment. Obviously whoever is watching him is droping the ball. Maybe after the second "incident" they should be paying more attention and possibly try to prevent it! They are getting paid to watch them right? I know you are not looking here for child rearing advice, just wanted to add my 2 cents since I've been there. Good luck,
<3 Ann

Karen Kitten Cupcake Sweet said...

Just think of how genious that kid is of giving the school board YOUR phone number. That kids a thinker!