Monday, February 22, 2010

it's been a long day

How was y’alls weekend? I played a show with the Smoking Popes and I witnessed the greatest single feat of human endurance I’ve ever seen. Okay, I’ve got a kid. He’s not quite two. The thing that’s really the life changer that comes with having kids is the hours. They wake up early. They’re morning people. All of them. There’s never a day where they decide to just sleep in because they can. It’s 715? They’re awake.
Now, my kid is a late sleeper by kid standards. He sleeps in until between 730 and 8 most days. Lots of kids always wake up at 530 or 6, so we’re lucky. Sunday morning, however, my kid slept in until 1130!!!!!!!!
Now, I know most of you don’t give two shits about the ins and outs of child rearing as you’re a bunch of coked up highschool kids who are more worried about contracting crabs than big dull issues like health care reform, and that’s fine. I’m not here to usher you into the world of dull adult subjects. I’m just pointing out that my one year old slept in until 1130. Ask someone you know with kids. That shit is FREAKISH, man. It was great, because it was my day to get up with him. Ha! Take that, pregnant wife. How cool is that? I also made some delicious peanut butter cookies last night. I’m a regular Paula Dean, y’all.
Okay, enough domesticity. I want to know if our homegirl with the query about fucking the guy in the band this weekend was able to seal the deal (and I kind of want to know what band the dude’s from too…just for gossip purposes). I want to discuss the single biggest event of my lifetime, which happened on Friday, but first, a wee bit of advice for a dude with a pretty simple, but sticky problem,

Q
The background: Some buddies and I have been playing in a "poker league" for a couple years now, which basically involves us getting together once a month to fart and eat pizza and drink a beer or two while debating what new girl we'd like to hypothetically nail. (I know, cliche, but it really is fun) At the beginning of this year, we invited a few new guys into the 'league' in order to expand and share the joy, however one of the new members is, to put it bluntly, annoying as sin. I can't figure out if he's got the absolute worst case of ADD that ever existed, or if it's just his personality, either way, he has to go. We can't really kick him out this season, because we each throw a bit of money into a "pool" for the end of the year, but at the beginning of next season it just has to be done. I was the dolt that invited him in, so I believe it's going to be up to me to deliver the bad news. Is there a tactful way to do this? Is it wrong to lie to him? I'm not so coldhearted that I can tell him, "dude, no one likes you," but I feel like lying is the cheap way out.
I know this isn't your regular "i'm jamming a 40 y/o who wants me to toss her salad after anal," but I still need some advice!

A
Okay, every human relationship involves compromise and this one is no different. I understand your reluctance to get down there and potentially eat your own jizz out of some distended old asshole, but she obviously craves the oral-anal stimulation, and it’s kind of shitty (no pun intended) to just withhold something someone wants in bed. It’s a recipe for resentment and it can quickly become a deal breaker. That being said, you’ve got a good case for not going down there, too, so that’s where compromise comes into play. Perhaps offer to bang her ass for a little while, stop for a little salad tossing and THEN get back in there to finish the job, OR maybe you warm her ass up with a little salad tossing and THEN bang her ass. That could work, right?
I mean, as a good partner it’s up to both of you to indulge each other, but not at the expense of something that makes you uncomfortable. If this sort of compromise won’t work, hey, maybe you guys just have different ideas about what’s okay and fun in bed and maybe you’re not meant to be. Right? Sure. Of course. Let me know how everything turns….OH, wait. Okay, I wasn’t reading your letter properly (I usually start at the bottom and read backwards just to save time). Starting over.
Okay, so you’ve got an annoying buddy and you want him out of your poker league after the big final game, but you don’t want to be a dick and you don’t want to lie. Okay, easy. You guys meet once a month, right? And this is his first ‘season?’ So just at the end of the last game, make a deal about how you’ll figure out when the next season’s gonna start and you’ll let everyone know. Then you all leave, then you don’t call dude and tell him when you’re starting again. Done.
You’ll probably have to change when the game is, but it’s one night a month, it’s not like you’re doing this every couple days, so if it’s the third Friday, make it the second Friday or something like that. Look, those details aren’t important. What is important is that you make the last game of the season final. Say, “okay, great. Skippy won this season and I can’t wait to see what the next one holds. I’m going to (do something totally lame with my mom/girlfriend/job) next month, so I’ll call all yall and we’ll figure out when to get the next season started. Then you just don’t call the guy. When he inevitably asks about when shit’s gonna start up again, you’ll have no choice but to be honest, but you can say something that’s not specific about him. You can say “we decided to shrink it back down. It was too many people” or “we’re keeping it low key this time.” And those things, my friend, aren’t lies. You ARE shrinking the league back down (by one guy) and you are keeping it more low key (by eliminating this annoying douche) so you aren’t REALLY lying.
Now, if you don’t like this advice, there’s really only one decent thing to do, and that’s level with the dude. “Buddy, I like you, but you’re too much to deal with at these poker games and frankly, it’s not the vibe we’re trying to cultivate over there, so we’re gonna keep going but without you. Sorry. I know it’s kind of shitty, but hey, you should have been cooler. What can I tell you?” BUT, you’re probably not gonna say this, right? So go with the first option. It’s a lot less shitty.

Okay, on to the most important event of my lifetime: Tiger Woods little speech! Actually, you know what? I’ve already taken up a lot of space here, and I think I could write on tiger’s speech and the subsequent reaction for quite a while, so I’m gonna save it for tomorrow. Um, tonight I’m making cheese from scratch. Watch out Martha Stewart, you fucking dishonest cunt! I’m gunning for you!

11 comments:

laurabm said...

are you using "raw" milk, you fucking hippie?
just kidding, that stuff is too hard to get and expensive.

Jayzilla said...

i just heard about this "new" milk -- its supposed to have all the great things that the milk purveyors boil out.. and youre still not supposed to get salmonella -- at least all the time from it

Jake Regier said...

Call me old fashioned, but I still prefer to suckle the human bosom.

Sickie27 said...

I don't want anyone tossing my salad. I wouldn't want anyone getting worms or something. I'm considerate.

kylewagoner said...

So Dan said it's up to you to decide when the next Falcon album is. I'm not suggesting anything, just observing...

propaprick said...

Brendan, you've provided valuable insight to me once before and so I come seeking your advice/condemnation/concurrence once more. Over the course of the past year I have been sleeping with a woman in my workplace every so often. This woman is engaged to be married to another man, whom she just recently bought a home with (no kids). After the first few times we slept together she began to express her desire to leave her fiance for me. I made it clear that I was not interested in a relationship, more than sex, with her. I also communicated to her that this whole sexual relationship was making me a little uncomfortable, in part because she's engaged to a guy whom I've been led to believe is a little "aggressive", but for the most part because I sense this may be morally reprehensible behavior and I feel some guilt over it. She has no remorse whatsoever for her indfidelity and as a result, she makes frequent (daily) advances and I comply, often enough, because I have no discipline or restraint whatsoever. Basically, do I need to knock this shit off? Am I a prick for continuing to bone this chick? Or, is the ball of moral respobsibility not really in my court?

Kevin Burnett said...

Propaprick,

You've got three options.

1.) Find some will power and restraint and tell her its over and done with and that you won't comply with her nympho tendencies and deal with the consequences..which could be severe depending on how hurt said nympho's feelings are.

2.) Tell her you'd love to date her and she should leave her fiance for you...and do exactly that....and deal with the fact that now you're dating the nympho and you've got an inter-office romance on your hands.

3.) Don't do anything and continue to sex-up the nympho...if this is the case, enjoy it while it lasts because it WILL blow up in your face.

Frankly, you're vagina punching a girl that has expressed some sort of emotional attachment to you, has a supposed aggressive fiance and you both work together....I'd be surprised if this doesn't blow up in your face.

Hope the sex is good man, and good luck, I hope you sort it out.

jbody said...

Propaprick,just keep doin what ya gotta do bro!go big then go home then return to work and go big once more.nah,You a damn lie!If you arent then kevin pretty much nailed it when he said "vagina punching a girl"."Ive had loads of office romances.not here,another place i worked...good looking ones as well"...situational

Johno said...

I was given some non-pasteurised goat's cheese for free in Kosovo once because I was with a pretty girl with blonde hair. It was great up until the day we both got food poisoning...

myassisapipebomb said...

i just got the 10,000th profile view. fail?

Moxie. said...

I am reasonably sure that I would have sacrificed a virgin (if I could find one) to see you, or the Lawrence Arms, play with the Smoking Popes. JUST SAYIN'.