Tuesday, February 23, 2010

they're GRRRRREEEEEAT!

Good morning various dipshits and dipshittalinas, welcome to Tuesday, Bad Sandwich number 367. I’m waiting for the cable guy to come and look at my phone. It’s never worked and these lazy fuckers always seem to double talk their way out of fixing it properly. I don’t like the pressure of dealing with the cable guy if we’re being honest. Sounds pretty wimpy, right? Well, here’s the thing. I’m out of my element in that I know nothing about cable and phone installation and this guy, when he shows up is gonna be, and this is a guarantee, lazy as shit and not interested in doing anything. That puts us at odds right away. Now, add to the mix that I’ve got a pregnant wife with nesting syndrome who is also very easily riled to anger when dealing with bureaucracy and with my ineptitude and you’ve got a recipe for a sweaty man sitting there while the cable guy does nothing, worrying about what he’s gonna say to placate his wife who only wants the fucking phone to work. “Come on! Don’t be such a fucking pussy!” I scream to myself, but it’s no use. I’m lost in this world of fiber optics, man. Lost.
Well, sorry. My thing is a whole other thing, brah. I’ll stand in front of a thousand people and just start talking and have no idea what I’m gonna say and just kind of hope I stick the landing. That’s my talent here on this earth. Hell, that’s what I’m doing right now, man, just in print form. Handling housecalls though, not my forte.
Well, it’s too late. I’m stuck here, just waiting for this guy to come in, look around, say “hey, nothing I can do here” and then when I try to call his supervisor or whatever, my phone will cut out. that’s the twisted genius of these fucks at Comcast. I can’t even call to bitch because they won’t fix my phone. That’s some fucking M Night Shyamalan shit man. Well, I’m feeling doomed. That’s all there is to it. Any of you install phone jacks? Wanna help a brother out? Come on! This is three hundred and sixty six pages of free content I’ve given you. The least you can do is come over here and install some phone jacks and run a bunch of cable through my place, right? Right. See you soon.

Now, briefly let’s talk Tiger Woods, kay? I mean, I wouldn’t be an irresponsible media pundit if I didn’t weigh in on the public apology, right? Of course not. Okay, here’s how I see it. He’s a total pussy and for whatever reason, he needs to keep those millions of dollars coming in. I guess I get it. It’s hard to scale back. If you’re playing stadiums and then suddenly you’re reduced to playing theaters, it stings, even though playing theaters is still a real benchmark of great success. So, yeah. Tiger was getting kind of shined by his endorsements due to his moral slumming, so he had to announce his deep regret and stuff so they’d keep him on the wheaties boxes and on the shoes and shit, right?
I know! He’s already got millions and billions. Who cares if the cash train stops? Well, let me throw another analogy at you. Let’s say, arbitrarily that Tiger Woods has fourteen endorsements, right? Each one of these endorsements he puts in a little time with and they each satisfy him in his own little way, not unlike if he was, let’s say, fucking fourteen different women, right? Okay, you with me? Good. So, when you’re fucking fourteen different women, that’s great. And SURE, you only need three or four women to be totally satisfied, but man, fourteen is GREAT! And when they all stop fucking you at once, well, you’ll probably do whatever you can to get them back, because that’s what you’re used to, not because it’s what you need. You follow? We’re talking about endorsements here.
Anyway, point being, here’s what I think he should have said:

“Hey hey! It’s me, tiger. I’ve been in the news a lot lately. Yeah, I know. You all know all about it. Now listen up. Let me ask you all something? Ever been the best at something? At anything at all? No? Hmmm…Okay, ever been the best EVER at something? No? Okay, let me ask you all this, then: ever have fourteen women want to fuck you at the same time? How about two? No? Didn’t think so. So leave me alone. You have no fucking idea what my life is like or the pressure I face. Suck a dick, everyone. I’ve got plenty of money. Oh, and leave my wife and kids alone you parasitic assholes. I’m sorry you’re untalented, and you have to take pictures of me for a living but get off my neighbor’s lawn, kay? Thanks Adnan.”

I don’t know. I think a little honesty would have been refreshing, but hey, who am I to talk. I can’t even stand up to the fucking cable guy. Maybe I would have done the tears and mom hug too…I guess Tiger’s right. I have no idea what kind of pressure he’s under.

Okay, I’m out. One final question: Hey! Girl from NY! Did you get laid or what? Jesus.

22 comments:

dustyfloors said...

The Tiger thing was absolutely great.

I may be lucky but I've never had a problem with Comcast. I don't get their phone service though. Just cable/internet for me.

Donnie said...

You can always pull a Whoopi Goldberg and just talk into a broken phone...or hide from the cable man while pretending to be a nun.

Sean said...

I'd install some cable jacks, if I knew how to.

Loved the the stadium-to-theatre bit... it's gold jerry, gold!

Vincent said...

I'm a huge golf fan. Favorite thing to watch when I can't move on sunday mornings. I wish Tiger would have gone for the bad boy role though. He could have pulled it. America loves that shit. You got actors beating wives, olympian's taking shots of skanks, poloticians sleeping with camera girls while the wife is at home with cancer... ok that's messed up. But Tiger could have totally played it cool. Like Wilt the Stilt. Everyone loves him...

Candice said...

I may not be THE girl from NY but I am a girl from NY and no, I haven't in months.

Maximilian said...

man.... i almost believed the girl looking for advice was you candice, even if you allreadys said that it's not you.

ComcastCares1 said...

I am not going to comment on the Tiger portion because I hear it every day! :)

Anyway, I decided to post because I work for Comcast. I would like to help in getting the problem resolved for you. Email me with your information and I will make sure you are cared for. Please include the link to this page on your email.

Thanks in advance and sorry for the trouble.

Mark Casem
Comcast Corp.
National Customer Operations
We_can_help@comcast.com

Candice said...

I did one time ask Brendan for advice and he was very helpful. Shockingly though, I was not the NYer looking to bang a musician although I am a NYer looking to bang a musician.

Sickie27 said...

Woah... ^
BK has the power, obviously.

Timothy said...

I would totally install those phone jacks, too bad Im kidna far away from Chicago. I spent a few summers doing a lot of wiring work for my old high school, so some silly phone jacks shouldnt be too much of a challange.

Karen Kitten Cupcake Sweet said...

perhaps its best to just assume that the girl from ny is STILL fucking that guy from the band.. and thats why she hasnt responded, ya?

Mark said...

Hey Candice, I'm a musician...;)

And agreed on the 4 day fuckfest. Good call.

Sean said...

"Four Day Fuck Fest" sounds like a great band name!

sg1414 said...

comcast reads the BSC! no shit! you oughta try and parlay this into an endorsement.

Mikey said...

I'm terrified of Comcast right now.

Barack Obama said...

Oh hell, even I read BSC to kickstart my day! Heh, sometimes I'll peruse it first thing in the morning while still in my bathrobe! Ahahahahahaa! Sigh...sometimes it's my only real reprieve from my shitstorm of a schedule and hellacious family life. My wife can be a real domineering cunt, and my two daughters are, quite frankly, obnoxious as hell. err....chaaAaaAnge~?

Banana@1000MPH said...

I get the feeling that "Comcast" commenter just wants Brendan to send a webpage with words like "felch" to Comcast and see what happens...but maybe they work for Comcast and actually will help.

Bridgett said...

Whoa, Comcast is all up in your shit. But then again, so is the place I work. I bet if I put the name of the place on my blog, I'd get a write up at work tomorrow. Hell, Mr. Kelly, if you put the name of the place I work in your blog, it'll show up on my Monday morning "people on the internet love us!" email.

kylewagoner said...

Bravo. That shit don't happen, though...unfortunately.

Bradley said...

Comcast is a piece of shit. My internet was out for like a week once and when they finally got there they didn't know what the problem was. I eventually had to get it fixed by a friend of mine who works with computers and shit.

James Straker, Troublemaker said...

ok your new day gig is officially no longer "arse kicking punk rocker" its now "top three speech writers ever"

not sure who the top two are..just didnt want any undue pressure this early in your new career !!!

OPKOPete said...

What to watch with your morning Faygo:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/02/22/juggalo-news-is-your-sour_n_472270.html