Okay, so welcome to 2011. So far, I’ve gotta give the new year a big thumbs up. Sure, I feel like a sack of crap due to sitting around and drinking beer and eating chicken wings for the last 2 weeks, but you know what? I’m already in my gym clothes, I had a good night of sleep and I’m currently immersed in 4 of the best books I’ve read in a long while. Plus, if I do say so myself, my dick is looking better than ever. No small feat, considering its usual (remarkably high) level of resplendence.
And that’s good, because this year I’m gonna get back into reading a lot. See, I love to read, but having a new baby seriously cuts into reading time (and since nothing is harder than reading while you’re tired, it kind of becomes impossible to read at all during the first few months of a new person’s life), but now this monster is getting to the point where she can kind of just chill, and as such, I’m ready to feed my head again. Right now I’m reading Garner’s Modern American Usage (Bryan A Garner) The Bin Ladens (Steve Coll), the Innocents Abroad (Mark Twain) and 2666 (Roberto Bolano). It’s a nice curriculum. If you’re out there with nothing to do, go ahead and pick these up. The Garner isn’t really something to read cover to cover, but if you’re at all interested in writing or just language in general, it’s a GREAT thing to have sitting in the bathroom for a highly sophisticated crap sesh. 2666 is already shaping up to be up in the top five or so books I’ve ever read in my life and the other two are must reads for pretty obvious reasons. Yeah. So let’s leave it at that, kay? New year. Feed the head. Good game.
Now, to get down to brass tacks. Of course, no new year would be complete without a compendium of the successes and failures of the previous year and that’s where I come in. What sucked? What ruled? Look no further than this page, underlings, for I, your master am about to impart your official guide to remembering 2010. Ready? Good. Okay, without any further ado, the official End Of the Year as We Know It guide to 2010 starting with…
Best Place To Shit- Your pants.
‘The toilet’, ‘the sidewalk’ and ‘into a paper towel and then gently placed into the oven of an enemy’ were all strong contenders this year, but nothing really said ‘2010’ like taking a steamy dump right there in the pants your mommy dressed you in. I’m kind of hoping this trend goes into decline for ’11, but you know what? What do I know? I’m an old man. And if you kids want to shit your pants right there at the party, who am I to say it’s not the coolest (are you kids still saying ‘coolest?’), grooviest move out there. Cowabunga, bro.
Best Dick Substitute- Tube of Toothpaste
This is a hot category every year, with previous winners like cucumbers, gear shifters and wadded up socks (bulge subcategory) all being in strong contention this year, but here at BSC we decided that this slightly more whimsical entrant should get the prize. It starts out hard, it shoots paste, you wind up with it all over your face and in the end, it’s crusty and spent and your old lady tells you to put it away. Now THAT’S a dick substitute, folks.
Worst Off With Their Heads Record- In Desolation
There weren’t really a lot of contenders in this category, and uh…well, this one kind of ‘won’ by default. This is saying a lot, because this is a really, really good record, so you can imagine how great all the other OWTH records this year had to have been for this to get voted the worst, right? Yeah. Uh…moving on.
Ugliest Celebrity that I’d still bone- Joy Behar
This one’s a bit of a misnomer, because I really, really want to fuck Fred Armisen, but uh…that’d be kind of gay, so I’m just gonna fuck Joy Behar and pretend it’s him on the set of the SNL View.
Hottest Animal- Pixel
For those of you who were lucky enough to watch Animal Passions this year, you know that no single one of god’s creatures stood out quite like Pixel, the little pony. God, she’s a vision of loveliness. Waiter, the lady will have the salt lick and the bucket of oats and we’ll split a bottle of Dom, please.
Best Taco Bell ingredient- Beans
Ah, Taco Bell, is there anything you can’t make from your five voltron-esque ingredients? Well, this year, the beans seemed somehow even more necessary than the plastic cheese, the plastic meat, the plastic tomatoes or even the plastic tortillas. Beans win, for their mortar-like consistency, their complete lack of taste, their fecal appearance and of course their ubiquitous presence. Take a bow, Beans!
Best Celebrity Dick- T.I.
Nothing says ‘check out my hot dick’ like squatting naked in just a hat, watch and sneakers in a sort of furious “I’m about to take a dump right here in this sauna room” pose.
Best Celebrity Tits- Lindsay Lohan
Drunk tits are always great tits and Lindsay happens to have GREAT drunk tits. I can’t wait until the hoopla dies down and she can get back to flashing her drunk, high tits and beaver with the dignity and grace she’s brought to the vocation in the past.
Okay, well, as you guys know, a year end list can’t all come at once. This is just the first part (there is precedent here. Check out last years list or the list before that [I’ve been doing this for 3 years? Jesus…I need a job] for the general 2 part template and of course some of the hottest shit from ’08 and ’09) see you tomorrow with more of what was hot and what was not (heyo!) in 2010.
Keep watching the stars, folks!